New man worries...

[TheLaundryNeedsTidying]

I recently started dating someone. He's very nice and sweet and affectionate. Not OTT. I fancy him - he seems to fancy me well enough.

But I'm riddled with doubts and insecurities. I know some will say that I'm not ready for dating - maybe that's true.

This man has travelled extensively and lived in other countries through work. He's good looking and I know he had relationships in these other countries.

I'm around the same age as him (both 'middle aged'), a little overweight and pasty.

I know (because I've seen photos) that his exes were quite often younger, very slim and very attractive - lots of photos of them on beaches in bikinis. I've never had the body for that even when I was younger and slimmer.

I can't for the life of me see what he sees in me.

My last boyfriend was a while ago and he didn't compliment me, seemed to he embarrassed by me and pretty much implied that he wanted to be with someone half my age, slim, beautiful, sexy and the sort of woman he felt he should be with. We ended up splitting up because being with him was making me feel bad about myself.

I can remember how i used to feel about and see myself before him. Which was never great but I did believe I was attractive enough.

I find it hard to relax with this man now and I'm always conscious of how I look naked - whether my thighs are too big, my bum is too big, my belly too big, my boobs too droopy. I try to behave how I used to when I thought I was ok but I'm just not feeling it at all.

I feel like I've forgotten how to be a girlfriend. I'm so measured in everything I say and do I don't appear needy or insecure.

He mentioned a female friend last night and then, because of what he said, reassured me that she wasn't an ex or anything. It hadn't occured to me that she might be and I'm not really prone to jealousy so old me is in there somewhere.

I'm not jealous but I do feel inadequate and insecure. I was walking around his place last night in a longish (covered my bum) t shirt and knickers and it got a reaction (ahem) but I cant help but think that he was looking at me wishing my legs were slimmer and my stomach flatter.

Is it possible that he finds me attractive even though I'm very far removed from what he's used to? I'm not really in his, or their, league at all.

I suppose I'm also aware that his physical compliments are about my face or my skin or my feet and not really about my body other than saying my bum is 'cute'. (I think my bum is a nice shape but there's too much of it!) And I can see why because there's not really anything to compliment.

I suppose i don't really compliment him either because my ex trained me out of it and now I just don't think about it.

I'm a stone and a half over my happy weight but even when I lose that I still wont have a 'nice' body. Just a smaller version of the one i have now. Which isn't great.

I suppose part of it is that, whenever I end up dating someone) I quickly learn that their ex girlfriends have always been far more attractive and slimmer than me. None of my ex boyfriends seem to have dated a range of women or body shapes. They all seem to have had a previous type and I'm not it.

I think this might be in your head, also there is more to a woman than her body.

He finds you attractive, as did your ex, or he wouldn’t be with you. Men aren’t particularly altruistic to be with someone who doesn’t turn them on!

I don't think my ex did find me particulalrly attractive. In the conversation we had where we split up, I said that I did think he was physically attracted to me and he just ignored it. Although he didn't want me to end things either.

there is more to a woman than her body.

I know but physical attraction is important. I just dont see how he can look at me and not be put off me. I wouldn't find me attractive.

It's not like you were slim etc when you got with him and then put on weight. He CHOSE you like this. He doesn't have to be with you. He clearly wants what you got, lady.

I hate so much about my body but there is no way I can deny that my fella finds it attractive. I still feel insecure but then I remind myself that in his eyes, its good. And plenty of men seem to find my body attractive, even though I am overweight.

Perhaps it will take some time to get used to the fact that he fancies you as you are. Personally I find young slim jiggle-free female bodies quite dull and non-sexy, so its not unheard of.

CrazyToast

That's what I keep trying to tell.myself but it's not really working at the moment

And he does find young, slim, jiggle free bodies attractive - that's what a lot of his exes have looked like.

I feel like I'll just do for sex until he meets someone better. That's definitely where my last boyfriend was.

I suppose there is difference though. This man looks at me when we have sex whereas my last boyfriend didn't at all.

Stop thinking about your ex. He's gone, thank goodness, you just need to get him out of your head. Maybe talk to your new man about your insecurities and hopefully he will reassure you that you are what he wants.

You are really hung up on looks. It doesn't mean that he is, also. Putting so much emphasis on looks/appearance as if that's all that matters in a relationship does mean you aren't ready to be in one.

However you are so, perhaps keep reminding yourself that the superficial isn't all things to all people. At this stage you should be happy and excited. It's a new relationship. Not ruminating over whether your face and body is 'good enough'.

If it's not good enough for you (please just keep in mind that most of us aren't middle aged with the taut body of a 25 year old) then you could focus just on looking the best you can. If you want to.

I think you need some counselling. You’re going to drive him away.

He wouldn't be with you if he wasn't attracted to you. It sounds like your ex has destroyed your self esteem and you probably have a very skewed version of what you look like.

I think you need to focus on building your self esteem. Eat well, exercise and take up a hobby of some sort. If you feel as fit and healthy as you can, if you are doing things you enjoy, then you will feel good about yourself.

Stop putting yourself down and start building yourself up. He obviously thinks you're worth being with, you need to believe you are.

The young jiggle frees are A - on social media so could actually look like a potato in real life like most of us

B - his EXS for a reason. Maybe he wants someone who looks like you, and thinks like you, and acts like you, and speaks like you and dresses like you...

It's very hard but you need to try and believe in yourself more as insecurity is a turn off. I'm not the slimmest myself but I've always managed to pull men and have dated some seriously attractive ones. I try and not flag up my insecurities verbally, it's almost faking it till I make it. This guy clearly likes something in you and vice versa. You need to roll with it rather than overanalyse it till you kill it. Believe in yourself.

Thanks. I think that's the kind of reality check I needed.

He doesnt know I feel insecure. It's too early days to say anything like that but I did say I had a stone to lose when we were talking about the effects of lockdown. He said I was fine as I am and if I wanted to lose it it was up to me and none of his business. But I've heard that before 😉 and he'd only seen me dressed up until that point. I look better in clothes!

I didn't think the other guy had damaged my self esteem because it was clearly his issue but it looks like it did after all.

Aw OP it sounds like your ex did a real number on your head, what a dick!! I do know how you feel as I've had a couple of horrible men in the past who've criticised my weight and made it clear they'd rather have been banging my sexy best mate, and it left me in a really bad place.

This man may have dated lots of attractive younger women before, but maybe he's realised that actually in relationship terms he'd rather be with someone he has more in common with and can hold a decent conversation? Also - maybe he's also dated women who are more mature and less polished but who don't post lots of bikini photos on social media as they have better things to do!

If he's getting aroused just with you walking around in non-sexy clothing, and the sex is good, then it sounds like you really have nothing to worry about.

Maybe looking into some body positivity and self esteem "stuff" would help you accept and love your body as it is? I truly believe that every body is beautiful in its own way and once you can see and appreciate that beauty, others will respond to it the same way. There is nothing more attractive to me than someone who's comfortable in their own skin. And I've slept with a lot of men and a fair few women ;)

Maybe he is more interested in shared interests and personality etc but it won't stop him from being aware.

I've dated men in the past where I've got on really well with them and we really clicked but my physical body has been what put them off seeing it as or wanting to make it more serious because they wanted someone younger and slimmer. Personality isnt enough despite what mumsnet would have us believe

I think you've been very unlucky with the men in your life and you've a completely warped sense of reality.

I'm hyper critical of my looks too (I don't verbalize this though) but honestly no man I've been with has ever made me feel anything less than completely desirable. I scrub up well but I'm no natural beauty, I'm also 5ft 2 so no long limbed model body here and I almost always have a stone I could lose. Truthfully it never bothered any of my previous partners/my husband. Most men are really not as fussy as we are and are just delighted there's a naked woman in their bed!

The ones that critique your body like your ex are fucking weirdos with issues and deserve a very wide berth!

Enjoy being with this normal one OP!

Personality isnt enough despite what mumsnet would have us believe

But people aren't saying that someone would find someone else attractive due to just their personality even if they thought they were physically unattractive.

The point is he clearly does find you physically attractive because he's dating you and shagging you and has given you no reason to think he doesn't fancy you.

You do seem to be reducing women to just their looks in quite an extreme way. Nobody is saying looks don't influence chemistry or relationships, but looks are part of the package not the package in its entirety.

Him finding slim bodies attractive does not mean he doesn't find more wobbly bodies attractive. Like you might see a very toned man and think he has a great body, but also see a man who's not really in shape and find him attractive as well. I know I find various types of men attractive for different reasons, and imagine that men are the same.

Besides, you are turning him on walking around in a t shirt. He finds you hot! Please relax about his exes and put them out of your mind. It seems that he wants to be with you.

Out of interest OP, did your twat of an ex get his dream, slim girlfriend? I'd love to hear that he never met anyone and is still prowling Tinder with his fish photo. In any case, he was awful and his personality won't get better, no matter who he shares a bed with.

Keep trying to fake it til you make it with this new man. He sounds nice.

Men love a good-looking woman but unless they’re looks-obsessed they don’t make it a top relationship priority any more than women do.
As my DB says, looks don’t last anyway and you can close your eyes but not your ears!
If you keep going on and on about your insecurities he will wonder if you’re only with him because your self esteem is too low to aim higher. That’ll put him off.
Find a friend or therapist (or mumsnet) to let off steam with but keep your hang-ups to yourself when you’re with him.

My DB is my brother. A partner probably wouldn’t dare to say that to me🙂

If you keep going on and on about your insecurities he will wonder if you’re only with him because your self esteem is too low to aim higher. That’ll put him off.

I wouldn't say anything to him he doesn't know how I feel. I mentioned the stone weightloss as we were discussing lockdown. But even then, I wasn't negative about it. Just matter of fact.

You do seem to be reducing women to just their looks in quite an extreme way.

It's only me though. I don't judge anyone else like this and tbh I didn't judge myself like this until men did.

honestly no man I've been with has ever made me feel anything less than completely desirable

I've only ever dated one man who made me feel genuinely desirable. The best I generally hope for is no obvious signs they are disgusted by me. Which I have experienced before. Most men have seemed pretty ambivalent.

Most men are really not as fussy as we are and are just delighted there's a naked woman in their bed!

This isnt my experience. And I dated one man who physically recoiled when he saw me naked and dumped me straight afterwards.

Out of interest OP, did your twat of an ex get his dream, slim girlfriend?

No 😆 he was single for years before me and has been single since. 54 years old and still holding out for a woman half his age 🤷🏻‍♀️

Basically, I'm not what they want. I have no real trouble attracting them initially because my face is ok. Every man I've dated wanted to see me again so my company isn't bad. It falls apart when they see me naked or after a few months when it gets to the point of deciding if this is a relationship with legs or not.

I think i dress pretty well for my size too. At work the other day, we were discussing stuff and my colleagues estimated my dress size as an 8-10 and were shocked when I said it was 12-14. My shape is ok generally but my body isn't nice.

Like you might see a very toned man and think he has a great body, but also see a man who's not really in shape and find him attractive as well

But I don't want him to find me attractive in spite of what I look like. Tbh, I really don't want him to be looking at me thinking he's had much more attractive girlfriends than me and wondering whether the whole me is worth the sacrifice of my appearance. I know that sounds really bad.

I don't want to be unattractive and I'm cross with myself that I am.