New man worries...

[TheLaundryNeedsTidying]

I recently started dating someone. He's very nice and sweet and affectionate. Not OTT. I fancy him - he seems to fancy me well enough.

But I'm riddled with doubts and insecurities. I know some will say that I'm not ready for dating - maybe that's true.

This man has travelled extensively and lived in other countries through work. He's good looking and I know he had relationships in these other countries.

I'm around the same age as him (both 'middle aged'), a little overweight and pasty.

I know (because I've seen photos) that his exes were quite often younger, very slim and very attractive - lots of photos of them on beaches in bikinis. I've never had the body for that even when I was younger and slimmer.

I can't for the life of me see what he sees in me.

My last boyfriend was a while ago and he didn't compliment me, seemed to he embarrassed by me and pretty much implied that he wanted to be with someone half my age, slim, beautiful, sexy and the sort of woman he felt he should be with. We ended up splitting up because being with him was making me feel bad about myself.

I can remember how i used to feel about and see myself before him. Which was never great but I did believe I was attractive enough.

I find it hard to relax with this man now and I'm always conscious of how I look naked - whether my thighs are too big, my bum is too big, my belly too big, my boobs too droopy. I try to behave how I used to when I thought I was ok but I'm just not feeling it at all.

I feel like I've forgotten how to be a girlfriend. I'm so measured in everything I say and do I don't appear needy or insecure.

He mentioned a female friend last night and then, because of what he said, reassured me that she wasn't an ex or anything. It hadn't occured to me that she might be and I'm not really prone to jealousy so old me is in there somewhere.

I'm not jealous but I do feel inadequate and insecure. I was walking around his place last night in a longish (covered my bum) t shirt and knickers and it got a reaction (ahem) but I cant help but think that he was looking at me wishing my legs were slimmer and my stomach flatter.

Is it possible that he finds me attractive even though I'm very far removed from what he's used to? I'm not really in his, or their, league at all.

I suppose I'm also aware that his physical compliments are about my face or my skin or my feet and not really about my body other than saying my bum is 'cute'. (I think my bum is a nice shape but there's too much of it!) And I can see why because there's not really anything to compliment.

I suppose i don't really compliment him either because my ex trained me out of it and now I just don't think about it.

Hi OP,

I feel so sad reading your posts, I too have a lot of the same feelings about my own body image. Which partly stems from horrible comments men have made to me in the past but mainly because I just don’t like what I see in the mirror. I don’t think it’s uncommon sadly.

Can I ask if you have posted before about this? Your writing style sounds familiar, sorry if I’ve got that wrong. I only ask because I wondered if your current partner is the same one you have spoken of before?

You have received lot’s of thoughtful posts and comments so I can’t really add anything. I just hope you can find a way to build your confidence and change the way you feel about yourself.

But previous boyfriends have said they were surprised i was so happy to walk around naked in front of them.

I think this will have been because the majority of women have body hang ups and are not happy to walk around naked, rather than a critique of your body.

I wonder if you have body dysmorphia, because your thoughts and experiences are quite extreme. I wonder if your experiences really happened as you say, or whether you heard what you wanted to hear through the lens of your insecurity. Said in the kindest gentlest way, OP. I bet if you posted a picture on here we would all think you looked absolutely fine.

When I got with DP I had a pretty banging body, if I say so myself. 7 years later I am three stone heavier (as is he) but he still finds me attractive, and I still find him attractive even though he no longer has a six pack and big biceps.

I think I look fatter naked than I look like I will be when clothed.

I dont have nice smooth skin, my stomach and upper arms as well as bum and thighs are very cellulite-y. I've got a bit of a c section overhang. A big bum. My hips make me look frumpy.

My ankles and lower legs as well as my forearms and wrists I quite dainty which creates the illusion I'm slimmer/smaller than I am. And makes the rest of me look fatter in contrast. I'm flabby and was even at 8 stone.

My boobs are a 34G and, whilst they look good in a bra, they dont otherwise.

I never wear shape wear but I look ok dressed. As soon as it comes off all the nasty is unleashed.

@ChristmasFluff Great post!

What do you think would help you feel totally confident about your body? And what is standing between you and doing it?

Well that just sums it up tbh.

The only things I've ever been complimented on are my feet because they are a nice shape and small and my 'fanny' and those are deemed both creepy and 🤮

So I've got no chance then have I?

What do you think would help you feel totally confident about your body?

Keeping it hidden and staying single in reality.

I've been 8 stone and size 8 and I've been 11 stone and a size 14. Makes no difference to my experience.

I prefer my body when I'm slimmer but it makes me difference to how its responded to by men.

In fact, I got the worst comments when i was about 9 and a half stone which is the weight that suits my body the best and when I felt the most attractive.

I just meant it’s an odd thing to say about a fanny! Not implying anything is wrong with yours .

See , you’ve immediately jumped to the wrong negative conclusion there.

Well firstly he is with you and he is turned on by you, so he must find you attractive otherwise he'd have ended it 100%. Also it could be something else that he finds attractive about you not just appearance. Personally I find intelligence a turn on in a man, irrespective of his looks, could it also be that you have something else that makes him attracted to you? Perfectly possible.

Fwiw I'm always insecure about my body, especially after 2 children. Few extra kilos, wobbly tummy and saggy boobs. I think of it every time and feel very down. However, my husband regularly says things to me like 'you look like a poster girl', 'sexiest woman ever', gorgeous, sexy, whatever.. I'm not bragging at all, In fact I often wonder whether he's taking a piss because I don't find myself that at all, I'd never want to have sex with me if I were a man. I don't think I'm very pretty either. So go figure! Maybe he's in love with you and to him, you are perfect? I suggest doing something to raise your self esteem. Buy some cute sexy underwear, maybe nice new perfume, anything that you like yourself in. See if you can revoke your 'old you'. I know I used to love the way I looked, then having children and age has taken toll... I'm in the process of bringing my old self back out too, I'm trying to invest time and money in it and hoping for success. Good luck and all the best for your new relationship.

You are clearly having mental issues regarding your body. Whether it was previous bloke or something else but something has triggered this insecurity. We all have parts of our bodies we dislike but you sound really hard on your body. If new bloke wasn't interested he wouldn't be around for more. I don't know what to advise as you have tried counselling etc and still feel the same. A size 12-14 isn't big. I would continue to enjoy new bloke and hopefully you become more at ease with how you feel.

On a side note, someone telling you that you have a cute fanny is weird, who even looks there and decides in their head that it's cute and then actually says it out loud.

On a side note, someone telling you that you have a cute fanny is weird, who even looks there and decides in their head that it's cute and then actually says it out loud.

Perhaps it was the nicest thing he could find to say about me 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP you are beginning to sound self pitying now. People are trying to help you reframe the situation, take positive action but you just keep turning it back to what’s wrong with you.

Well, tbf, my last comment was intended to be a bit tongue in cheek.

Everyone saying that men must find something attractive about me. There must be something.

So I say a couple of things that men have complimented me on and just get told, no, not those things, they're gross and weird. So I've literally got nothing.

I've been told I'm projecting when I'm not.

And repeatedly told that i shouldn't keep seeking external validation from men when I couldnt be clearer that I'm not.

So I dont know what the answer is. Some of the suggestions have been reasonable and good but many of them I've tried. Some I haven't and i will do those and others I will try again. Other things, it's too complicated and lengthy to explain why, but they aren't relevant.

Some would just be too identifying to explain.

I'm just weary of it now tbh.

I'm going to put my pjs on and open a bottle of wine.

People really have taken time to try to help in their posts but your frustration with the situation is coming across as being defensive or pissed off with people making suggestions.

I'm not sure what else people can do on an anonymous forum where you've expressed you're unhappy about something.

You say you're not sure what the answer is but I'm now not sure what the question is as you seem very certain of what's happening and why. And when challenged to question your perception of things you are super resistant.

So I guess all people can really offer is sympathy without advice. I hope things get better

When I used the throwing up emoji and called it creepy it was because it takes a creepy man to make such a 'compliment' not because of you but because of the stock of men you got with. Rather than see it as a reflection on you, see it as a reflection on THEM.

Being in a relationship and having sex is not obligatory in life. You could stay celibate and keep any potential lover at arms length. You really can. But if you don't want to then you need to work on yourself acceptance and/or changing what can be changed.
Fwiw i think your self esteem is making you choose or encourage shitty men. These men tend to sense women they can manipulate and they use that weakness and vulnerability in you so by all means take time out of dating while you make peace or changes.

This has just spiralled down so fast.

It went from you being insecure with a great new bloke due to his previous girlfriends being slimmer than you, but you are still wandering round in just a t shirt and you thinking you’ve a nice bum.

To every man you’ve ever been with being abusive and how you need to end this relationship because your body is so deeply unattractive men recoil in horror and none would wish to sustain a relationship with you due to how bad your body is..

I honestly think you need to seek help. You come across as angry, defeated, pissed off. . I honestly think you might not be well and seeking help will be really beneficial for you.

You come across as angry, defeated, pissed off.

I am defeated, yes.

I'm not angry or pissed off with what people have said. I'm frustrated that the only things people can say are the things I've already said to myself 1000 times. I guess there's no magic response that's just going to flick a switch and suddenly I'll see things differently. I can't change my past experiences. I've no doubt that in some cases, I have attracted the wrong men or not got rid of them soon enough.

I don't know what the answer is myself anymore. I'm clearly not ready for a relationship of any kind and I'm at a stage where I wonder if I ever will be.

Anyway, thank you.

If someone criticises your appearance and uses it to put you down, that can really stick, it can make you develop a complex about it and then you can view every reaction to you from that lens.

That lens isn't necessarily accurate.

“From the boys who told me I was fat as an 8 stone teenager, to the men who have laughed at me, to the men who told me they were confident i wouldn't cheat because I wasnt attractive enough, to the men who were reassured by me saying I was slimmer when I was younger (as though that gave me higher currently now), to the men who commented that I probably couldn't wear x, y or a clothes because they wouldn't suit my body, to the men who just werent bothered about losing me because better was always just around the corner...

I haven't ever dated anyone who commented positively on my body. They've either been negative, damned with faint praise or just not said anything at all.”

This is really sad, OP. It makes me wonder, for want of a better expression, which sea you’ve been fishing in for boyfriends.

I have been 2-3 stone overweight for much of my adult life because, basically, I love food. I have been slimmer for periods but have eventually always gained it again. I currently need to lose probably 2 stone to be properly healthy. But partners have never been put off and, you know, when I look at myself in the mirror, I can’t shake the feeling that I look like a goddess. Like one of those ancient goddess statues! Sounds like you’ve found a man who sees the goddess. You’ve waited so long. Don’t let your anxiety spoil it. Embrace it. You have nothing to lose and much to gain.