Colleague flirting with husband?

[LeftWondering]

I may be totally paranoid but just wanted to know the thoughts of others on this. Husband used to work in a job that involved a lot of travel. On one international assignment he would spend time outside of work with a female colleague on their own going out for dinner, going shopping etc. I didn't feel comfortable about this and told him so - he was very angry in response and felt I was controlling what he got up to. He later apologised and swore nothing happened. Further down the line I still feel uneasy about it. I looked at their messages and whilst their was nothing overtly bad in them a couple of times when they were arranging to meet up she'd say she was about to have a shower - I read this as an invitation to imagine her in the shower? When they went shopping she wanted him to help her pick a coat - subtle flirting again or am I being paranoid?

It's difficult to judge...I know many women would feel as you do but I have to say, I have worked internationally and in different cities to home and I do go out with male colleagues...sometimes in a group and sometimes not.

Dinner, drinks and shopping is normal when you're alone and away from family.

The shower comment...not sure it's an invitation but a way of ending the messaging in a clear way. I'm now busy sort of thing.

I wouldn’t read too much in to the shower thing. I tell my dad I’m about to have a shower and I’m certainly not inviting him in (yuck).

I’m guessing that they no longer work together so what has caused this to play on your mind now?

Thanks FortunesFave it's so difficult to know if I am being some crazy paranoid wife or if there was something in it.

Audreyseyebrows I guess while I believe nothing physical ever happened I still wonder if he had feelings for her and if he wasn't married to me it might have been different.

Is he still in contact at all with this woman?.

Yes dinner, drinks and shopping is normal when you are alone and away from family but there are boundaries here with work colleagues that should be observed also outside working hours and his seem to be problematic. Did he really think it was appropriate for him to go shopping with her to choose a coat?. I cannot imagine he would want you going out shopping with a male work colleague to choose a coat.

AttilaTheMeerKat It was the coat thing that really got me - know its hardly stripping naked in front of a man but I just found it really subtle - wanting his attention and looking like the little girl lost who needs his help and advice. I just assumed a successful, educated woman in her 30s wouldn't need advice in buying a winter coat.

Your gut is talking to for a reason.

It depends on the type of coat surely? A coat to wear to work or everyday she should be fine to choose it. A specialist one maybe some input would be helpful (thinking my DP is very outdoorsy, he helped me pick what to buy for a cold outdoors holiday).

You don't tell someone you have a professional relationship with that you're going for a shower or send them pictures of your clothes choices or flirt. At the very least, he is getting an ego boost going on dates with a woman who's openly flirting with him.

He's only indulging her because he's open for something to happen. It sounds like it's already crossed a line and if something hasn't already happened, it's only a matter of time.

Don't accept any accusations from him, cheats will always turn it on you. It's gaslighting. He's being defensive and angry because he knows you're right.

You're not paranoid when you're seeing inappropriate behaviour, crossed boundaries, his anger at those being challenged and your instinct is telling you to beware.

Personally, my instinct has always been proven right, I'd always encourage people to follow theirs.

I think him being angry at you for mentioning it speaks volumes. If he wasn't up to no good surely he'd want to discuss it and hear your thoughts

Martinisarebetterdirty I suppose if it were me in that situation I'd look up the internet or discuss it with a friend, I don't know I just wouldn't ask a male work colleague.

ReneeRol he's no longer in the job anymore so they don't work together anymore. The reason this has been on my mind again is that I noticed she is only 1 of 2 out of many ex work colleagues that he follows on social media.

It's hard to say because it could be your instinct telling you something is wrong.

However I had a near identical experience with a male colleague abroad once. The reality was it was very boring and lonely. We met up on the weekends, went to museums, had meals and talked. We talked about mutual colleagues, our jobs, what we did previously, where we grew up, why I was single, the type of guy I would like to meet, his friends at home, how he met his girlfriend, how their relationship evolved and what his plans for the future were.

I enjoyed spending time with him as the conversation flowed so easily and he was a really nice guy. It's also nice to spend time with a new person to get different perspectives on things. At no point did he give any indication he had any romantic interest in me whatsoever. In fact I would have no idea if he would have considered me objectively attractive in a 'if I was single' way. That dynamic to our interactions just did not exist. When we got back we didn't stay in touch or have a closer working relationship or anything like that. We were simply passing time together.

I also did go shopping with him one day - he was mainly on the phone to his girlfriend and I remember him laughing down the phone to her at how I was the fastest shopper he'd ever seen - he basically stepped outside to take the phonecall and I appeared with the shopping bags shortly afterwards. So the visuals you have of her trying on coats and standing in front of him waiting for am opinion might be complete fiction.

Now this was just my experience and I probably remember it in more detail than it deserves but the reason for that is I did sometimes wonder if it would give his girlfriend cause for concern. I realised how it might look (we were there for a few months) and I wondered how I would feel at home (probably as you do now) but there really was nothing whatsoever to worry about. Also, this might be irrelevant but I am extremely photogenic and if she had looked me up out of curiosity she would have seen an unrealistic representation of me.

Now that is just my experience and I can't say it's the same in your partner's situation but I wanted to point out that sometimes it is completely innocent.

Have they remained friends? Does he have mentionitis? Is he behaving differently?

rumred that is what I felt at the time and when I later told him that he said he reacted that way because he was tired. He's not very communicative and it's really hard to have serious conversations with him because he just closes it off. I've never felt fully satisfied about this situation. I almost wish if he had wanted to be with here he would just own up to it and then at least I would know I wasn't being paranoid.

Istisnothing gosh this is unnerving to say the least. I suppose though can you 100% say if he didn't have a girlfriend nothing would have happened? You may not have been interested in him but he might have been interested in you and suppressed his feelings as he had a girlfriend.

@LeftWondering actually he was an attractive guy and in another world I might have been interested in him but he gave zero indication that he'd have any interest in me. I mean really - none. He was very clear he had a serious girlfriend and that was all there was to it.

Imagine hypothetically another guy said "I'm going on a blind date with this woman from your office, what's she like"

I assume he would say oh she's really nice. But if pressed about whether I am attractive or not I have no idea what he would respond. I felt as comfortable with him as I would with a gay man. It was different to hanging out with a woman but not because of any tension or chemistry, more because it was interesting to get male perspectives on things. We sometimes met up with three couples (this was where I used to feel bad for his girlfriend at home wondering how it might be perceived at home) but there was zero difference in how we interacted alone or in company. We might have seemed a bit together because couples there sat together so we would inevitably as the 'spares' end up sitting together and travelling together as we lived close by. So it really could have looked like something to worry about to his girlfriend at home but no no no, he never showed me the slightest bit of 'male' interest.

Suspicions about a partner and a work colleague are NEVER wrong in my experience. It’s out of order and they know what they’re doing.

@LeftWondering sorry to answer your question no I cannot 100% say nothing would have happened if we were both single. Who can answer a question like that though? We were not both single. But no I do not think he was suppressing any feelings for me.

He was really into his girlfriend - they got engaged a few months later. He told me all about how they met, how the relationship evolved over the years (it was a very funny story how he told it), said she was gorgeous and showed me a silly video of her to prove his point.

What I'm trying to say is although things can look highly suspicious, sometimes they aren't.

Isthisnothing thanks for taking the time time to reply and it's really worthwhile hearing from a female colleague in that situation, if you said he had a wife instead of a girlfriend I honestly thought you might have been the colleague. It's also interesting to hear that you wondered how his girlfriend at home might have perceived it. I've often wondered how my husband's colleagues wives felt in the same situation as me but never knew them well enough to ask.

I wouldn't have interpreted it to mean 'join me in the shower' but I would question why she chose to specifically mention the shower when she could have referred to 'getting ready'.
More importantly, your husband's reaction when you voiced your concerns is troublesome. Tired or not, a loved one should not become angry, but should reassure their partner. It's not like you are continually questioning him is it?
I hate to suggest it, but such angry responses often signal guilt. Attack is the best form of defence.

"EpochTime* I didn't think she was hinting or suggest he join in her in the shower more just that he would then imagine her in the shower. Like you I would just say get ready.
It's the only situation I have every been suspicious about so questioned him.

@LeftWondering have you met her? Did they stay in touch? Myself and that colleague didn't stay in touch, if we were on the same floor I probably would have stopped for a chat but I can't even say that for sure.

My sister works abroad a lot with a multinational and i know she always goes for dinner / sightseeing with colleagues, male and female, in groups and alone. It really and truly is not anything out of the ordinary.

If there is nothing more then I think his reaction is justified; he was behaving in a very normal manner. If there is more though then maybe he is defensive.

She needs a man to help her choose a coat for herself?

I understand why this would be more upsetting than the shower comment. Although as a pp said, why wouldn't she just say 'Im getting ready?'

It's a shame he didn't just reassure you, instead of becoming angry. Would he like it if you were away on business, having drinks and dinner with a man and asking said man to come with you to help you choose clothes? & That's without the shower comments.

This woman needs to find her own DP to help her pick a coat. I would not be okay with my DP going coat shopping with a girl. The shower thing I do think was innocent like going to be busy now but I agree she could of just waited and replied after I'm sure he wasn't sitting waiting eagerly by the phone. I also don't like how he got angry at you for asking him. I don't want to say you are being paranoid but I do think you are unhappy and uneasy with the situation and really DP should be trying to help you with that. How often do they message?

This is one of reasons I'm now divorced, my exh was always travelling aboard, having the time of his life it seems, dinners out, sight seeing, travelling with other women, networking at home, having one to one coffees and lunches, our views of what was acceptable became very different , I felt a bit abandoned being a sahm, he just couldn't see how hard it was for me.
I do think it's a bit odd to do some personal clothes shopping with a colleague but then again I'm the kind of person that enjoys shopping on my own.
Sometimes couples change over time, as we grow older our views and tolerance changes, perhaps it's time to fulfil your life too without him being the main part of it.

Isthisnothing No I haven't met her. He was in that job for several years and dined alone with many female colleagues - often that was the only other person to have dinner with. I thought this different as there were other people on the assignment with him but he choose to spend time alone with her on a number of occasions. He never spent time alone with any of the other females on that assignment.