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Original poster

Colleague flirting with husband?

74 replies

LeftWondering · 19/11/2020 09:24

I may be totally paranoid but just wanted to know the thoughts of others on this. Husband used to work in a job that involved a lot of travel. On one international assignment he would spend time outside of work with a female colleague on their own going out for dinner, going shopping etc. I didn't feel comfortable about this and told him so - he was very angry in response and felt I was controlling what he got up to. He later apologised and swore nothing happened. Further down the line I still feel uneasy about it. I looked at their messages and whilst their was nothing overtly bad in them a couple of times when they were arranging to meet up she'd say she was about to have a shower - I read this as an invitation to imagine her in the shower? When they went shopping she wanted him to help her pick a coat - subtle flirting again or am I being paranoid?

OP posts:

Original poster

LeftWondering · 19/11/2020 12:44

My husband did this job for many years and spent time going out for dinners and socialising with his female colleagues, oftentimes alone. I realise this was part of the job and there was no way i’d suggest he sat alone at night instead. It was this one situation that made me feel uncomfortable. I hadn’t felt this way every time he was spending time alone with another woman.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2020 12:53

But why op? I assume you think she’s attractive and that’s th issue? Because nothing you’ve said here gives any cause for concern. So why her over other women?

BigBlueBow · 19/11/2020 12:57

I really wouldnt read too much into the shower comment.

Id probably tell a male colleague I was going for a shower. I wouldnt say getting ready as that sounds like Im dressing up. Im really not inviting them to imagine me naked. Just like 'Ive just got to have a shower and then Ill be ready'. Ive never told someone Im having a shower in the hope theyll imagine me naked.

The coat thing is unusual, I think my male colleagues would look at me like I was mental if I asked them to come coat shopping with me. She might have been flirting with him, but she could easily have been going coat shopping if they were in city known for shopping and wanted some company. I do think your being a bit paranoid

I wouldnt be jealous of any woman taking my DP coat shopping. Id be greatful if someone took the burden of DPs clothes indecisiveness off my hands

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2020 12:58

@JurassicParkAha

Even when the husband is nothing short of a hairy knuckled troll, the wife seems to think that the woman will go there. When she wouldn’t in any circumstances. Because he’s a friggen troll.

@Bluntness100 hahahahah, yes!

It’s true isn’t it? I’ve sat at some work events and watched some women visibly become annoyed and possessive because you’re normally talking to her husband who is your colleague.

You see it and think “are you kidding me, have you actually seen your balding, unfit, face that would scare small puppies, husband?, he’s a nice guy but he’s no sex god” 😂

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2020 12:59

The point op, is just because you think your husband is irresistible, don’t assume any other woman feels the same.

BigBlueBow · 19/11/2020 13:04

I once had a woman get pissed off because she thought I was flirting with her mid-50s, balding husband. I was 23 at the time
Suprisingly I had better prospects. He wasnt even nice.

SofiaVergara · 19/11/2020 13:33

My husband works in a small team and one girl in particular rubs me up the wrong way. One day when he was wfh he was on a teams cal and after the others left, she was chatting to him, asking what he was doing at the weekend etc and giggling at every answer he gave. I had come home early from work as it was a Friday and if it's quiet our boss lets us finish a bit earlier, so he was on this call and she was flirty. He was rolling his eyes at her and said I better go as SophiaVergara is home and she instantly went "oh ok, bye".

The point in my message is while this woman was flirty with him, my husband was not interested, he didn't even notice it until I pointed it out by asking "who's flirty mcFlirtyson?" And he laughed and said "oh absolutely nothing to worry about". They message about work sometimes and she signs off her messages with xxx and my husband doesn't rise to it. I 100% trust him.

SofiaVergara · 19/11/2020 13:36

@BigBlueBow

I once had a woman get pissed off because she thought I was flirting with her mid-50s, balding husband. I was 23 at the time

Suprisingly I had better prospects. He wasnt even nice.

@BigBlueBow I had that once, I was at a party and this girl pulled me to the side and asked me never ever to go near her husband! I was like "wtf? That guy there?" I just politely said he's not my type 🤣 it's the only time it has ever happened and I'm baffled cause this girl was utterly gorgeous!!! He was majorly punching with her but he literally wasn't my type..

LilyWater · 19/11/2020 13:36

@JurassicParkAha

Even when the husband is nothing short of a hairy knuckled troll, the wife seems to think that the woman will go there. When she wouldn’t in any circumstances. Because he’s a friggen troll.

@Bluntness100 hahahahah, yes!

Bluntness hit the nail on the head there

Such women and their insecurity are so exhausting.
Message to such women: if you're that insecure, unhappy and scared of other women just let the guy go as you obviously don't trust him a single bit and if he's minded to, he will cheat on you anyway no matter what you do!

ReneeRol · 19/11/2020 13:58

Don't let people gaslight you with the "jealous and insecure" bullshit. This isn't about her being a woman, there have been plenty of female colleagues he's spent time with and there was no issue.

You know there's something different with this one. Different in her tone of messages to your husband but I'd say the biggest difference is you're noticing something off with him in relation to her.

Trust your instincts and act in your own best interests.

Original poster

LeftWondering · 19/11/2020 14:10

@Bluntness100

But why op? I assume you think she’s attractive and that’s th issue? Because nothing you’ve said here gives any cause for concern. So why her over other women?

I think because he chose to spend time alone with her when there were other colleagues there as well. He invited her to do things with him. For example, he said he woke on the Sunday morning and asked her if she wanted to go shopping and have lunch with him. To me it sounded like he enjoyed her company and wanted to be with her. He is very unlikely to ever wake up and ask me if I want to go shopping and go out for lunch with him. If this was something he did with me maybe I wouldn’t be unsettled. It seemed unusual for him.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2020 14:34

But was that not because he was away op ans had nothing else to do? That potentially others had made plans or wouldn’t fancy it?

The bottom line is either you trust him or you don’t.

Neither my husband or I would have an issue with this, but we trust each other, when he’s away on a work trip he can go shopping and have lunch with whomever he pleases, I give not a shit. Literally.

Original poster

LeftWondering · 19/11/2020 14:48

Surely though there are those out there who have trusted their other halves and affairs have still happened? I don’t think everyone who has an affair sets out to do so - lines get crossed and blurred over time without it even being realised.

OP posts:

DrMorbius · 19/11/2020 15:01

I once went with a female colleague in February to a lingerie store while she picked some underwear as a surprise for her DH (for Valatine's). Nothing ever happened between us. Nor will it.
It's quite common to mention showering while away. It's a time indicator. As in "going to my room" = see you in the bar in 10 minutes. ,Whereas "going for a shower" = see you in the bar in 30-40 minutes.
I even go shopping with colleagues while away, which I rarely ever do at home.

Isthisnothing · 19/11/2020 15:18

I think this debate is going round in circles now.

I and other posters have given scenarios of being abroad and all these things happening with no subtext.
Then yet more posters have said it's always dangerous to socialise with colleagues.

The point is OP that these incidents are not alarming in themselves, they only are cause for concern if they are very out of character and he is behaving differently.

You seem to be obsessing over pointless what-ifs like would he have liked her if he wasn't with you. That way madness lies literally. If he is loyal and faithful then he is not lining up a contingency plan. If he is lining up a contingency plan then this woman is not the problem.

Lines don't get blurred, people make decisions to disrespect their partner. I don't think, based on what you've said this has happened here.

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2020 15:34

@LeftWondering

Well yes, of course. That doesn’t mean we live our lives being suspicious of every female they talk to. I mean, you can if you want, but most of us don’t wish to live like that.

There is nothing here to say he had an affair. It’s normal work shit. He no longer even works there

If you think he’s been shagging around then speak to him. But no one on here is going to read those normal texts and say yea yeah, she was inviting him into the shower with her. Like you seem to think she meant.

If you think he was over the side deal with it.

Original poster

LeftWondering · 19/11/2020 15:40

Isthisnothing you are right this is going round in circles. I don’t think he was lining up a contingency plan as such. I went out one day and met my husband and fell off in love with him. I didn’t plan on that when I woke up that morning. Someone can come along and you can have feelings for them. Yes you can stop yourself from acting on them but i’m not sure you can stop those feelings happening in the first place. I guess I worry that’s what happened here - he met someone and liked her. My husband isn’t very communicative or talk much so I was never fully able to get to the bottom of this. I guess the fact that he asked her to do things with him took me as a surprise as he is not someone to make arrangements with anyone - he will always be asked to go to things rather than initiating them.
The only way I will ever know is from him but he just can’t talk for any length about anything like that.

OP posts:

Isthisnothing · 19/11/2020 15:53

But are they still communicating? I assume when you met him you were single and whether actively looking or not you were available. No matter what you think, you didn't fall in love with him when you met him, it happened over time.

Ok let's play devils advocate. He did really feel a connection with her. There was loads of chemistry. He didn't act on it but he would have liked to - if something had happened you would have picked it up in the messages, if he was deleting messages he would have deleted all surely. He snatched the time with her while he could.

Yes the thought of that would sting (I am prone to jealousy myself) but let's be honest - it almost certainly didn't happen. That is the worst case scenario and it's not all that terrible. There is a teeny teeny tiny chance it did but he chose you and while him potentially being tempted is painful it didn't go any further. That is the worst case scenario. You're married. You don't own him. He hasn't betrayed you.

The more likely scenario is that he simply liked her and enjoyed hanging out with her. You say it was him who suggested going to do things but that may have followed on from her suggesting it in person.

Really, relationships get stifled when there is no room to breathe. Flip the roles - would you find a partner dissecting conversations and interactions attractive? I wouldn't.

Original poster

LeftWondering · 19/11/2020 16:01

Thanks Isthisnothing. I don’t think he would have deleted all the messages as he knows that would have looked suspicious if something did happen. I really don’t think anything physical did happen. I know it’s a self fulfilling scenario, being paranoid is hardly attractive. Thinking about this maybe what I find most upsetting is just not being able to talk about it and if he did feel anything then being able to admit it to me. I actually understand if he was attracted to her, I really believe that can happen. Maybe it’s the lack of communication that has just worn me down after all these years.

OP posts:

Original poster

LeftWondering · 19/11/2020 16:03

Ps. I don’t know if they are still communicating, I saw those messages once at the time. I am not proud of myself for going looking and have not done so since so have no idea if they are in touch.

OP posts:

JurassicParkAha · 19/11/2020 16:08

OP, I think you would feel a lot worse if he actually admitted he did have feelings, or felt a connection. At least this way, you can have a word with yourself and assume it was just a friendship.

It always feels like if you had that honesty, it would feel better. But you can't unlearn what you then know, and it will greatly impact your relationship. Given you don't think he cheated, and is likely not in contact with her now, don't torture yourself on the off chance he had some fleeting feelings for her once upon a time. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have, and likely just enjoyed her company, found it different to what he's used to, but you're his whole world.

EpochTime · 19/11/2020 16:09

OP, it is particularly upsetting when your other half invites another woman to do things (like go shopping and have Sunday lunch) when he cannot be bothered to do those things with you.

Could it be that he got a kick out of being seen with her? Is she younger than him/attractive? Some men just seem to like that sort of thing - like the trophy-wife kind. It's utterly shallow, but it is a thing.

Original poster

LeftWondering · 19/11/2020 16:14

JurrassicParkAha those are kind words thank you. I have no doubt he loves me but I worry he loves what we have more so than me individually. I’m his only partner and he wasn’t very confident with girls so I have always worried that he settled for me because it was easy and I really loved him. I still do really love him.
EpochTime thank you.

OP posts:

chemicalworld · 20/11/2020 11:02

Left wondering, your posts make me feel sad for you. Have you ever considered councelling? It does sound like you have low self esteem and wondering all of these 'what ifs'. You say you have no doubt he loves you, but worry if he has settled for you, and what you have. It sounds to me like you are anxious and could do with speaking with someone,

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