Colleague flirting with husband?

[LeftWondering]

I may be totally paranoid but just wanted to know the thoughts of others on this. Husband used to work in a job that involved a lot of travel. On one international assignment he would spend time outside of work with a female colleague on their own going out for dinner, going shopping etc. I didn't feel comfortable about this and told him so - he was very angry in response and felt I was controlling what he got up to. He later apologised and swore nothing happened. Further down the line I still feel uneasy about it. I looked at their messages and whilst their was nothing overtly bad in them a couple of times when they were arranging to meet up she'd say she was about to have a shower - I read this as an invitation to imagine her in the shower? When they went shopping she wanted him to help her pick a coat - subtle flirting again or am I being paranoid?

DeeCeeCherry when he was angry at me for being upset about it I asked him if I did these things with a male colleague would he be jealou?. He said he wouldn't because he trusts me. That broke my heart - I think it's natural to be a little jealous of someone doing nice things and spending quality time with your loved one.

@LeftWondering

"EpochTime* I didn't think she was hinting or suggest he join in her in the shower more just that he would then imagine her in the shower. Like you I would just say get ready. It's the only situation I have every been suspicious about so questioned him.

Ahh I see. Yes, I agree with you. Mentioning the shower acts as a trigger - a potentially manipulative move, or one that is perhaps designed to court attention. If this is the only time you have questioned him, I would be very concerned. Odd question, but has he ever displayed narcissistic traits? I'm just asking because a narcissist is very likely react angrily to being questioned even when the situation is completely innocent.

EpochTime not really but he has very, very little empathy.

My eXH would accuse me of having affairs with pretty much every male friend I have, and I have always had male friends, some since I was at school.

He would say things like “bet you would want to be with him if you weren’t with me,” Nothing could have been further from the truth and yes I bloody well did accuse him of being controlling, because he was. Sometimes there’s only so much reassuring you can do, and sometimes it is the other person who needs to think about what they’re saying.

Just because a partner is unhappy about a friendship doesn’t mean that friendship is wrong. Sometimes it is, but being defensive about it isn’t an admission of guilt.

@LeftWondering

EpochTime not really but he has very, very little empathy.

A sign of narcissistic personality, OP.

Oh ok, that is a bit different - I thought at first perhaps he doesn't travel with work much and you didn't realise colleagues generally meet up with whoever is staying near them for dinner.

Did he say why they were meeting up on their own instead of with the others? It is possible they just got on better. Would you be ok with him being friends with her (genuine question - no right answer).

It really is impossible to say what her intentions are / were with things like the shower comment (I can imagine doing this with zero ulterior motive, just giving a timeline).

My sister travels with work all the time, has dinner and goes sightseeing with male and female colleagues in a group or on their own. She ironically looks like a catwalk model but has zero self confidence. I don't think it would enter her head that anyone would see her as any sort of threat or that she might be flirting, she's in a long-term relationship.

I have another thankfully ex-friend who read everything into nothing constantly. One work trip abroad a company client signed them both into the members VIP area of the bar and said she was his wife (for membership purposes). He then made some throwaway remark to her that they might have to convince the staff. A flirty remark yes but that was the only one. She became completely obsessed with him, convinced he wanted to start an affair with her and or leave his wife, he was torn, the situation was all so hard and complicated. I heard her tell this story many many times to various peopel, pull his pictures up wherever she could find them online along with any other information she unearthed. This was based on one flirty remark. They had one drink and he called it a night (probably because he picked up the crazy vibe from her).

So the crazies do definition exist and yes this woman could have convinced herself these dinners were dates and the shower remark could have been a purposeful attempt to excite him.

It's his intentions that matter here, not hers.

Paranoia based on what’s presented. I have travelled abroad a lot for work, often with a male colleague, saying I’m going for a shower is certainly not an invitation foe them to imagine me naked, it is simply mate, I’m going for a shower. I’ve also went shopping with them.

I don’t know how come ons work in your world. But this is not how it works in mine.

DeeCeeCherry when he was angry at me for being upset about it I asked him if I did these things with a male colleague would he be jealous?. He said he wouldn't because he trusts me. That broke my heart

Ignore this OP. It's gaslighting, meant to guilt trip you and also make you feel bad about yourself. He's not been in your shoes on this so it's very easy for him to say he'd trust you. When in reality, he'd query it too.

Also, he chose to spend time alone with her as opposed to his other female colleagues. But how do you know about all this? Does he tell you?

Some men like unsettling their partners with crumbs of 'this other woman fancies me' type of info. Would serve them right if you responded with 'oh yes, same with...*insert man's name towards me, he's so flirty'. Petty, I know. But sometimes petty is gratifying.

I agree with @Bluntness100. Messaging that you’re jumping in the shower is just that. ‘See you downstairs I need to shower.’

When I tell people I'm going for a shower, it just means 'so don't expect me to text back for a while' kind of thing, rather than wanting them to think about me in the shower.

Also, when I travelled for work, I would have dinner or spend time with whoever was there, because quite frankly it's better to have a bit of company morale than to just sit in separate hotel rooms all night every night until you go home.

Obviously there's always the chance someone is having an affair (you don't have to travel with the person to do that, though!) but for everything you've said, there's a reasonable and more probable explanation.

Generally @LeftWondering I've found if they trust you they are trustworthy and if they are suspicious they are suspicious.

I don't agree with what bluntness has written because she has taken the very narrow view of 'this is my scenario therefore it's everyone's' but so have lots of posters here.

I will say this though. I would be very annoyed if my partner objected to me having dinner with a male colleague. I would see that as him interfering in my career which is separate to him.

I wouldn't have interpreted it to mean 'join me in the shower' but I would question why she chose to specifically mention the shower when she could have referred to 'getting ready'.

Exactly this.

@Billben

I wouldn't have interpreted it to mean 'join me in the shower' but I would question why she chose to specifically mention the shower when she could have referred to 'getting ready'.

Exactly this.

Eh?

Bloody hell
The level of paranoia. When it gets to the stage you’re not allowed to say going for a shower see you later, just in case the dude or his wife thinks you’re doing some form of weird come on then it’s time to seek help.

I don’t think I’ve read anything so batshit before.

My colleague and i usually travel to our US offices a couple of times a year. We have breakfast, lunch and dinner together when we do. We also go shopping together and get each others opinions on things.

When back in the UK we do none of those things.....other than perhaps give or ask opinions on things outside of work.

Doing things like you describe with the opposite sex when away on business is perfectly normal tbh. At least in my experience it is but i suppose everyone feels differently about things. My partner would never had a problem with what i have done but each to their own.

You either trust him or you don't. I would struggle with this too, but I've also been in your husbands position and I wouldn't not socialise with someone I got on with just because they have a penis and a wife.

You are reading a hell of a lot into a brief factual comment about the shower. Their interactions seem to be fine to me so I think you are over thinking, they haven't been flirting.

I think your gut is a better judge than anyone on here.

Erm, I used to do your husband's type of job. International assignments where you stay over with your team for weeks/months at a time. You do become very close, as you don't know anyone else in this place - so breakfasts, dinners, gym etc - you become best friends.

But you're always aware it's a bubble. I certainly was. My real life was when I came home, but my team got me through being away from friends and family for so long. It's not an easy life - constant pressure to socialise, network and be your best self. You cannot switch off even when back in your hotel/apartment, because it's still technically work time. Which is why you need allies out there, or you'd have a break down.

It's also why it's a well remunerated profession.

When we'd co-ordinate dinner plans, it was very common to say, "X, I need to grab a shower and then will meet you down at x time", or we would ask/give each other advice on what to buy, where to go on holiday, gym routines to follow etc. Sure, some of the relationships (not mine) developed further, but most stayed exactly as they were - friendships. If you do a job where you need to be away, you cannot avoid becoming very friendly with the people you're with. Your success depends on them.

Nothing you've said suggests this is flirting. I've said and been in those situations, and I was married, my colleagues were married, and nothing romantic was ever considered. But this requires you to know and trust your husband. I did work with men, who never ever liked being home with their wife and kids - but the wives knew this, and tolerated it because it meant they could afford a certain lifestyle. Those men absolutely cheated, but it was so obvious who they were, and they'd be like that even back home.

I would have been enraged if my partner made me take decisions on my team/colleague dynamics based on their insecurity. I'm not sure you understand how much performance ratings/bonuses are based on how well you work/get on with your team. And going to dinner or the gym together is just the norm - you can't expect him to stay alone in his room constantly? Feeling guilty about doing your job is not a nice place to be. So unless you've noticed a change in his behaviour, feel he's not being as attentive, don't make his life miserable for just making friends at work.

My last trip was at the end of last year, due to Covid. I went to Moscow, myself and a male colleague

We met at Heathrow, flew together, went a day early so we could get over the jet lag, checked in together, had breakfast together, then went sight seeing round red square on that day, we had lunch, drinks, went shopping, came back showed and changed, went for dinner. We spent the rest of the week having breakfast together, having lunch with others in the office, dinner together every night alone. We flew back together.

We are colleagues and friends, neither of us is interested in the other. I would be aghast if anyone thought when I said to him, see you in an hour I’m going for a shower I was thinking he should be thinking of me in the shower, or that he should join me, in another planet if he’d lost all common sense, I’d have kneed him in the balls for even thinking it.

Another trip, early morning, my shower got properly stuck full on, I texted a colleague and asked him to come and see if he could switch it off. He did, we both laughed that when someone saw him coming out of my room they’d think were were at it. I didn’t ask him to come and help because I was wanting him to consider me in the shower, or that I was inviting him to shower with me, I asked him because we are good mates and I didn’t want to walk out the room and leave the shower on full blast,

I’d also add, the thing I have repeatedly noticed because I work in a male dominated environment there is a certain minority of women who perceive any attractive female near their husbands as a risk. Even when the husband is nothing short of a hairy knuckled troll, the wife seems to think that the woman will go there. When she wouldn’t in any circumstances. Because he’s a friggen troll.

I never considered once how wives or partners at home would consider it, because it is one hundred percent innocent. Why should I not get to hang out with my colleagues like the guys do one on one when the situation calls for it just because I’m a woman?

I’m an equal. I am a professional. And I should be treated as such. I am not some stupid little woman gagging to shag my colleagues. Any thought to the contrary is misogynistic. If you can’t trust your husband then this is your issue. If you’re jealous and insecure this is your issue. Women in the work place do not have to behave differently and forego hanging out with colleagues when travelling just because they are women.

The idea is appalling.

Like others, I've done these kind of assignments where you're away for a while and end up doing stuff you usually wouldn't with colleagues (i've shopped with male colleagues, just to pass the time when away). The shower comment wouldn't shock me either if it was just in a "grabbing a shower, meet you in 20 minutes" kind of way

And I think if DH said he was uncomfortable with how I was behaving with my colleagues on the trip, I would probably be really pissed off too.

I'm not saying you're wrong, and that there's definitely nothing happening, no one can know that. But its also potentially perfectly normal.

Also OP, I did have one male colleague on such a trip I got on with much better than the others. We were the only 2 with a particular skill set and didn't really understand the rest of the team too well. So we did do dinners, and shopped on our own, away from the others. He had a fiancee, I had a husband. I even met his fiancee and we all went to a gig together back in London.

Then, I split from my husband and he from his fiancee. His ex fiancee was convinced he and I would get together. We never did, not even something that came up. There was zero attraction there from the start. And we aren't even in touch anymore due to leaving the job. But I wonder for how long his fiancee worried or stressed about this - we obviously only bonded because we both hated the job and had noone else to talk to. After we quit - there was nothing else there.

He's now with a woman who does a similar job FYI - likely because she will better understand the colleague dynamics. It can be very very very stressful living with someone who questions innocuous work interactions.

@Bluntness100

I’d also add, the thing I have repeatedly noticed because I work in a male dominated environment there is a certain minority of women who perceive any attractive female near their husbands as a risk. Even when the husband is nothing short of a hairy knuckled troll, the wife seems to think that the woman will go there. When she wouldn’t in any circumstances. Because he’s a friggen troll.

I never considered once how wives or partners at home would consider it, because it is one hundred percent innocent. Why should I not get to hang out with my colleagues like the guys do one on one when the situation calls for it just because I’m a woman?

I’m an equal. I am a professional. And I should be treated as such. I am not some stupid little woman gagging to shag my colleagues. Any thought to the contrary is misogynistic. If you can’t trust your husband then this is your issue. If you’re jealous and insecure this is your issue. Women in the work place do not have to behave differently and forego hanging out with colleagues when travelling just because they are women.

The idea is appalling.

This, 100%

Difficult to judge. I would have those sorts of conversations with colleagues on business trips without any sort of motive. I’ve done sight seeing, meals out, shopping (including helping buy presents for partners and children etc) while abroad. And had conversations about still being in bed etc as conversations about why I might be late for breakfast etc. not as an offer to join me.

Even when the husband is nothing short of a hairy knuckled troll, the wife seems to think that the woman will go there. When she wouldn’t in any circumstances. Because he’s a friggen troll.

@Bluntness100 hahahahah, yes!