dh has left me and dd, I'm not sure what to do

[TLV]

we'd been rowing on and off for a few weeks, some arguments quite horrible, we both said things we probably didn't mean, anyway he eventually left last night and is quite adamant he won't return, I've begged pleaded and tried everything to make him stay to work it out (dd is 2.5 and she adores him) part of me thinks what a shit he is for leaving her without even trying to make things work, he had the estate agent out beginning of the week although I know he can't sell the house, I'm going through a range of emotions at the moment and i've not slept or hardly ate, I just don't know what to do, anyone got any advice please

poor you -

The only person you need to think about now is you and your dd.

You are probably looking for answers now. Find out what you want. this may take some time and not be easy.

You have already said you have said some things you didnt mean - now you have the power to not be drawn into anymore arguments, you are better than that.

Anyway thinking of you. we are here for you.

I just want him home with us, I'm not even sure if I should suggest relate again, he is just refusing to talk to me.

i'm back again, I spoke to him this morning and asked if he was sure it was what he wanted and he said yes I think so, my head is completely battered and he's coming round later, part of me wants to beg and scream at him to stay and the other wants to appear calm, I really feel like i can't cope and that i'm hanging on by a thread, he is everything to me, best friend, lover etc and I can't believe we are now in this situation, I was badgering him so much the other night and he told me he didn't love me and yet last week he said he did, now when I tell him i love he just says I know darlin, arrrghh, i really want to ask again about relate but think i might be pushing my luck and that he'll walk out the door again

Sorry to hear this TLV, i would say to try to be calm would be best, if you can manage it. Maybe write a list of things that were good in your relationship,and things that were bad, and work out a way that you could improve them?
Have you been to relate before? Would be worth mentioning it i think,and say that you owe it to yourselves and your dd to try everything before abandoning it all together?

Good luck xxx

Hi

Really would be best to stay calm - but believe me it is not easy - why should you bottle up how you feel just to make him feel better? At least if you scream and shout and even beg then you will have done everything you could.

I really feel for you - does he say why he wants to leave now? Hate to ask but is there someone else? I know how your head and whole body is feeling at the mo - mine walked out about a year ago (but we are working it through now).

Its the total not knowing and not expecting all these emotions at one time.

You know you will cope - and just knowing that will help.

well he came round and first thing he did was ask how much money I needed without even saying hello, I asked him if he thought he would come back and he said I don't think so I don't know, but then we sort of ended up going off on one again and he walked out, I completely at a loss and I asked about relate and he refused again. I asked if there was anyone else and he swore on dd life there wasn't and tbh he didn't really go out much so I can't see how it could be that. I'm trying my best not to contact him at all and just giving him some time. He has left most of his stuff here not that it means anything but he didn't go with that much. He was supposed to be coming for tea tonight but after yesterday I'm not sure and I don't think its a good idea to ring him

((((((hug))))))) i know how ur feeling at the moment hun, but i must stress to you that you both need space,and him coming round for tea is not going to help the situation if you are going to argue with each other.you need to step back and look at what is best for you and dd at this moment in time.when me and dp split a few years ago i arranged for him to pick up dd from his sisters so we didnt have to see each other for a while,which was good for me.

are you back together or did you split for good??

ok he's just phoned and still wants to come for tea and I'm going to let him (not a good idea I know) and I'm also pleased to say he is not sleeping either, i feel stupidly happy that he's coming over and i'm probably going to feel crap when he's gone but i left it totally up to him to decide to come, so I'm feeling crap and tired but i'm going to make an effort to look nice, someone tell me not to get my hopes up.

i'm going to buy a bottle of wine and I'm going to make myself eat something, cooking a dish that he likes, then when he says he is going I will smile say ok and then let him go and sit down with a glass of wine knowing that he is feeling shite too!!
sorry for going on...

we are back together and have been for 3 years,but it was very hard.in the short story....
he left,i was gutted,i came to terms with the split and got on with my life and he got on with his.i started seeing someone, and he shat himself when he realised i would not always be there for him,and the grass wasnt greener when he left. a lot of grovelling,tears and doubts on both sides occured and we eventually decided to give it a go.I am just trying to advise you the best ican because i was very much hurt when i was in the situation,he fed me false promises and prolonged the grieving process.

tlv so for you. Sounds like your both so stressed and tired from arguing your both all over the place. Try make tonight about being calm and not letting dd see either of you angry/upset etc. Been through this with my dh and i know its incredibly difficult. But sometimes you need space apart in order to appreciate what you have.

well i'm pleased to say that i didn't ring him at all and he called me, he could quite easily have left it and said he'd see dd over the weekend, part of me hopes that me not contacting is making him realise what he is doing, I'm really not going to get my hopes up

well he came over, we were both calm and pleasant with each other, sat and ate together, he helped bath dd and put her to bed, however he did come back with some dirty clothes??? and put them in the washing basket?? and took a couple of items away, I'm very confused by this coz to me if that was it and he was leaving why didn't he just take all his stuff (i ain't doin his washing thats for sure!) he is coming over tomorrow to see dd and have some dinner. This sounds totally stupid and you may all think I'm crackers but I sprayed my perfume on my wrist then rubbed it on his shirts etc (i know i'm daft) but then at least he'll be reminded of me. Anyway we'll see what happens from now but I certainly felt better after he left last night

Space and One day at a time. Try not to contact him today, try not to be needy, it will push him further, he as confused as you.. Get busy for the day. He wont be long realising what he has done. Dont worry. Been thru the same, wasted past five months begging and pleading, pushed him further away also from my daughter, only when I stopped did things take a turn...

So sorry for your situation TLV

It does sound as if he's not really sure what he wants either, all this coming and going.

I think the other posters are absolutely right. Stay calm, give him some space, and in a very subtle way, show him what he's missing ( nice meals, family time etc)

If this situation goes on for a week or two, then you are more than entitled to ask him what's going on, where's it all going etc, but I really think a few days time out might be a great help for both of you.

My dh left 4 weeks ago today so i know what you're going through. He turned around out of the blue and said he was going. It was a real shock and i begged him to stay and give us a chance etc but he said no. He has already been to a solicitor and is planning on divorcing me as soon as possible even though i don't actually know what went wrong.
I am just trying to live each day as they come and stay strong for my beautiful children who definately don't deserve any of this.

he is coming over today to take us shopping and is staying for tea, its tearing me apart, dd thinks he's at work and i've a bad couple of nights with her as she can't settle and keeps asking for him (and thats when I think what a shit he is for leaving us) i'm really starting to think i've lost him for good and sorry to all of you going through the same thing

My kids have been playing me up, especially my youngest, but when they see him they are so pleased that they are on their best behaviour. Typical!
I'm now getting to the stage when i am thinking that even if he wanted to come back i wouldn't take him, but then something small reminds me of how much i still love him and i have to fight the urge not to phone him.
On a more positive note, i have actually started to sleep again, at least 5 hours last night! and i'm eating 2 meals a day now. When he first left i had to force myself to eat dinner so my 10 year old didn't worry! I've lost over a stone already, which is about the only good thing to have come out of this!

Tlv and jennypenguin, you girls are amazing, stay strong. Take one day at a time and I hope you get the happiness you deserve. I've been there too and came out the other end. I didn't have children at the time, maybe that is the one thing which will keep you going. Best of luck x

I made a complete fool of myself again, going on at him and asking if he was sure and he said he was, I'm totally baffled and I think part of the reason why i'm finding it difficult is coz its all really sudden (even tho we had been arguing for a few weeks) I also think his mother has had a hand in it as well, he ended up leaving in tears and I felt awful, he did say that he was missing us but the bastard went out on saturday night to watch the rugby and when I asked him if he could take us shopping he said he had arranged to take his brother and wife er what about us? i guess its just one day at a time then, however I think there is more to this than meets the eye

they all think the grass is greener! From what your saying and the fact his coming round so much shoes his not really ready to leave. But he also cant leave you in limbo like this.

As tough as it is you cant just let him come back when it suits him. He will never know then what it is to be on his own cos he has you as a fall back. Trust me i have been where you are.

If his family are interferring it does make things a lot harder but in the end his his own man and he will make his own decision.

Tell him you love him and you do want your marriage to work but for the time being you are willing to have the trial seperation. Which means arranged times for him to see dd and no you dont do his washing!

Do you have any friends/family around to help keep you busy?

he said he is only coming to see dd and not me, everytime i mentioned all the good times we had he just stayed silent (didn't want to give me any hope apparently) we had more than most people and I really think he's being a fool, can you really just switch off your feelings for someone?? a week or so ago he said he loved me, he seems to have it all figured out ie the selling of the house how much money we'll get and seeing our dd, somethings just not right and I can't put my finger on it

he keeps saying there is no one else and I think he is being truthful, hey ho I will get there eventually, don't know where there it but I'll get there

You sound very strong, TLV. I hope this resolves itself in time, and that you both come out of it stronger and wiser .. and together.

For the time being, I would advise that you remain calm and pleasant whenever he's around ... however difficult that is. High emotion rarely gets to the bottom of anything.

You know there will always be plenty of people on here you can rant to!