dh has left me and dd, I'm not sure what to do

[TLV]

we'd been rowing on and off for a few weeks, some arguments quite horrible, we both said things we probably didn't mean, anyway he eventually left last night and is quite adamant he won't return, I've begged pleaded and tried everything to make him stay to work it out (dd is 2.5 and she adores him) part of me thinks what a shit he is for leaving her without even trying to make things work, he had the estate agent out beginning of the week although I know he can't sell the house, I'm going through a range of emotions at the moment and i've not slept or hardly ate, I just don't know what to do, anyone got any advice please

TLV I know it's negative, but try and prepare yourself for the worst. I found out yesterday my ex has been seeing someone for months despite the fact he's still denying it, and my world fell apart all over again.
I have my fingers crossed that yours isn't so horrible.

god jenny and TLV - men can be such bds. Why would you want him back after that?

in spite of everything he's not a bad person, I went to relate today and found it very useful, i even gave him the leaflet when I got home which he took (whether he reads it is a different matter) he has still left a pile of dirty washing and has washed some stuff and put it back in the cupboard?? (can't fathom it) just some socks and stuff but I can't understand why he just doesn't take the lot, this afternoon I was trying to talk to him and he couldn't even look me in the face coz he felt so bad about what he was doing, he admitted that he missed me and dd and that he was miserable, all very confusing on his part i suppose, anyway at the moment i'm concentrating on me and dd and i'm lucky in that i've got some good friends and a fab family to fall back on

Oh TLV - so what are you going to do? You don't want to chuck him out - so you are just waiting on him really. I hope he sorts himself out soon, it's really not fair on you.(or dd)

well i went out last night only had a couple, got annoyed on the way home because i was sick of tiptoeing round him, told him we both missed him blah blah, he accused me of emotional blackmail (git) then he said something along the lines of how he was going to have to move back home coz he had no where else to go!! er where has he been staying the last week or so, I can't stop him coming back and for all i know it could have been all talk so I will just have to wait and see, on a better note tho i've started to eat properly (gone from a 12 to 10 in a week) not good at all

well he is here again this morning, asking to use the shower etc, he looked very rough when he arrived, i'm so confused again

Ok i know i'm going on but I'm not sure if I should be worried about dh, he turned up this morning looking bloody awful and for someone who is staying with Brother/mother why is he not showering there and why is he still dumping his dirty clothes here??? on discussing this with family members I'm now beginning to wonder if he is sleeping in his car and pretending to his family he has somewhere to stay

Hi TLV if he can't be honest with you then or his family that is his own fault. I would think it's a good sign if he hasn't actually found a permanent place to stay yet. Don't wash his clothes, and just wait and see if he will come clean in time.

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Hi TLV, just ask him.

Or ring his family & ask them.

It sounds as if communication is key here. If you can't ask him where he is living at the minute how ar you going to ask him all the more important questions regarding your future?

I want to ask him but i know that if i do he'll just walk out like every other time i've tried to talk to him, I think I will need to have a word with his mother, he looks so forlorn but is still not saying much to me, I can't do anything more and tbh I don't know that I want to, today I actually felt ok when he left (what does that say, infact dd didn't even look up when he left she just murmured bye whilst playing) previously when he's left I've wanted to curl up and cry

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Where did he say he was going when he left?

If he said his mums then can you ring there on the pretext of speaking to him?

I agree with Harman. You need to tell him to shape up or ship out. Your house can no longer be used as a base for him to shower in or play at being daddy when it suits him. Tell him he either has to talk it over with you & decide what to do, or start looking for somewhere else to live so he can start spending time with dd properly.

He's taking you for a fool love, he comes home, showers & pisses off again like a single man!

I agree with harman. Just think of everything the spice girls did for girl power and you'll be able to do anything

God TLV - it would make me so angry - he just comes in when he wants a shower/clean clothes/to see dd? He owes you an explanation. He owes you at least a conversation. He cannot just come and go without talking to you, not least about where he is stayingt and what he intends to do.

TVL you are not alone and not the first to go through this but it is a long and rough ride.
Dont lower yourself to anything you will not be proud of in the future. You can do this. He is the arse and not you, you will get through this with us and you are not alone.

Take care

I know I can be strong and hold it together however I feel he is being very unfair in keep coming back and treating the place like a hotel in some respects, and I've just ordered a relate book from amazon and the confirmation of the order gets emailed to his works email address (big bollocks) I've had the crappiest night too, i'm loaded with cold and feel shit and then dd throws up everywhere in the middle of the night and I just end up thinking what a bastard coz he's not here to help out!

You are strong and even though it does not feel like it now - you will be stronger and and in a better place yourself because of this.

Dont think too far ahead - focus on today and getting through it. Try and make some time to spoil yourself and try and see some good in everything you do.

Try not to think about him at the moment as it will make you so very angry - but he will be feeling guilty and looking to blame you for his mess, it is the only way they can get through it all.

Take care and keep us updated.
Do are doing just fine.

Hi TLV, hiw are you doing?

I'm ok thanks, been at work this last week so rather busy, dh still showing no signs of wanting to get back together, however he is coming over tonight for a 'talk' . I felt quite hurt yesterday as he babysat whilst i was out visiting family and as soon as I got back he wanted to hotfoot it out of the door, whilst I was out he even did some washing took a few more bits on the good side tho dd puked all over him i'm really not sure what to expect tonight but i'm being extremely pleasant with him but i'm really starting to wonder if there is someone else coz everytime he is here his phone keeps going and he keeps saying its his brother but fgs he's a grown man so why is his brother keep texting him? Anyway time will tell, wish me luck

Hope tonight goes ok. Let us know how you get on.

well it didnt go well, I did get out of him what the problem was which I sort of discovered whilst he'd moved out (i did a lot of soul searching) anyway he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce and i told him that it was only fair to move back in and give us a few months and if things hadn't changed then I would agree to what he wanted and he flatly refused so I guess its stalemate, I don't know what else to do I did call him and he said he would consider it if only to get me of the phone but how can I show him that things could be different if he won't come back? so i've no option to plod on as usual and see what happens next, I suppose i should accept that its over really but I'm not moving out of the house, any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated

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well i cried this morning after calling him to reconsider and he refused however I made it clear that that was what I wanted, anyway he came over to see dd, I pottered about had a bath generally kept out of the way, then he was being nice to me????? and having a laugh with me about things dd was doing (he was not in a talking mood this morning i should add) anyway I decided to set up an online shopping account so that I wouldn't have to rely on him to bring anything ooh and you should have seen the look on his face, he then asked if he could come and see dd tomorrow and I said yes and then he said could we possibly reschedule for another talk!? and then said mmm well probably not a good idea and muttered on, I was amicable and said if he wanted to talk then he could, all strange but I definitely felt better coz I didn't ask anything of him

Hi TLV, I don't get much chance to come on here (can only read posts at work and teenage kids hog computer at home) but I just wanted to let you know that I'm going through a very similar thing. It hurts doesn't it? The physical day to day stuff is easy, but I find the rejection so hard. We've been married 25 years, have 3 teenage kids and now he decides he doesn't love me. Like you I've tried everything but he's adamant that he doesn't want me, say's he's happy by himself. When I'm in my strong-woman mood then I just get on with work/home/friends etc but on a bad day I'm just a wreck. I know it will get better, just wish it would hurry up!! The future scares me witless, I don't want to be alone, I want to be in the marriage I worked hard at for all those years.
Hope your having a good day, keep strong.