dh has left me and dd, I'm not sure what to do

[TLV]

we'd been rowing on and off for a few weeks, some arguments quite horrible, we both said things we probably didn't mean, anyway he eventually left last night and is quite adamant he won't return, I've begged pleaded and tried everything to make him stay to work it out (dd is 2.5 and she adores him) part of me thinks what a shit he is for leaving her without even trying to make things work, he had the estate agent out beginning of the week although I know he can't sell the house, I'm going through a range of emotions at the moment and i've not slept or hardly ate, I just don't know what to do, anyone got any advice please

I don't feel strong tbh but I have to try to keep it together for dd (its her I feel for the most) from now on I'm going to have to try and be distant with him and maybe in time he'll realise but probably by then I will be hating him anyway, i thinks its a no win situation for everyone

oh and one of the worst things about yesterday was I tried to seduce him, stupid idiot that I was, don't know what I thought I was going to achieve so i made a total pratt of myself!!

Bless you! That's perfectly understandable, and what most of us would have done faced with the same situation.

Poor you No answers, I'm afraid. But I'm thinking of you.

no your not an idiot i did that myself to dh. And no you cant turn your feelings off but you can act your ass off!

Even if there was someone else which from the fact you say he didnt go out i very much doubt it. There maybe a family member twitching down his ear. He may feel pulled in every direction.

You do not have to sell the house tho if you do not want to. He has a legal duty to home you and dd and hell he should want to!

I know what we are saying just seems soooo easy. But still recovering myself from dh infidelity and uncertainty of whether he want o be here or not. I do completely understand every emotion you are going through.

It does help to talk till you lose your voice! I had a great friend who would not allow me to sit at home and wallow and she dragged me out every day she was fantastic. that helped me nott o focus on dh and to give him the space he wanted so badly. And as with nearly every guy once that have it they realise its the last thing in the world they want.

Getting out also helped in the fact that when dh did phone i made sure dc's and i were having fun somewhere so he could always hear it in the background. That way he could not stop thinking of us and wishing he was with us having fun. worked with my dh anyway. And now we make sure we do have fun together.

If home life isnt happy then no one wants to be there. But always easier for the man just to up and walk away right? Wrong walking out hurts them like mad too.

Dont overdo the being nice to dh or getting dolled up just be pleasant and polite and try to be happy slowing and subtely remind him why he fell in love with you and remind him his home and his heart is with you and dd.

thank you all, i feel a little better, he did say that the the guilt was weighing on his shoulders with the decision that he's made and I suppose the more time he spends staying at families on not in his home will make him feel more shit, it can't be nice seeing your child a few days a week, either way its him who has lost out. He said he was going to call today about seeing dd but i've not heard anything yet, I'm hating coming home and being here (if that makes sense) probably coz I know he's not going to be here and the more I look back the more I think I caused quite a few of the arguments, what have i done? should I email him

No iwouldnt email him. He needs time to sort his head out. and whilst you want to say sorry for 1 his not ready to hear it 2) he would see it as you saying anything to have him back .He needs space and time to realise how much he wants to come back. And you need time out to think about your part in this. Why did you argue? Can things really change? Is this a recent thing or been stewing for months?

Im not asking the questions but these are along the lines of questions you should be asking yourself.

Email a friend or phone/text one if you feel yourself twitching. I know it was so difficult for me to not text im a text addict!

In my heart of hearts I suppose I'm thinking he's not going to change his mind, but he must be missing us both he must. Yes I played a big part in the arguments and I lost sight of what I had and inside I ache because I know I can't change things now everytime i mentioned us he sat in silence and again refused relate. I'm not going to invite him for tea or anything again or to bath dd because those will be the little family things he'll miss the most

bump

I'm still thinking of going down the relate route but how can I get him to go even if its finally to get some closure on things??

TLV - for what it's worth I totally agree that you shouldn't invite him to do the family things anymore.

I say this from bitter experience. My H left last December saying he needed 'space'. For months I tried to 'show him what he was missing'. I let him come and go as he pleased, he did all the lovely family things with me and ds, slept with me when he wanted... then he would leave again as 'his head was a mess, he was confused, he needed space...'.

Much later I discovered he had been having an affair. He was literally living a double life.
(He too never went out much so I did not suspect a thing. He was doing things like meeting this girl at 8am in the morning, having sex with her in his car, then dropping her at work!! Then the same at lunch times or after work. )

Me allowing him to still be a big part of our lives meant he was literally having his cake and eating it. The lovely family stuff, doting wife, me at his beck and call, lots of time with ds, making his favourite meals etc etc... but then his girlfriend in the background when he felt like it.

It's taken me (many) months to realise my mistakes. Everyone gave me great advice but I just didn't listen. I loved him too much and wanted to spend time with him - under any circumstances.
But as much as I still love him and miss him now, I have realised that you don't treat people you love like that. You don't just up and leave, no matter how difficult your relationship is. You have a child and a responsibility as a parent to speak up and deal with the issues like a responsible adult.
These men have not done that. They are selfish and weak.

He will realise what he's done. And he will want to come back one day. I just hope that when that day comes, you have the strength and confidence to tell him where to go. (And you will get to that point - I promise.)

Nobody deserves to be treated like this. And that awful feeling of loss, rejection, and inevitably blaming yourself for taking them for granted... it's just soul destroying. He is in the wrong here. Not you. It will get better. Keep posting.

yes him! probably, tho i do think it would help both of us to go, I will leave it for a bit and see if its worth suggesting again

You can try to force him to go, but if he isn't ready or willing then he will just lie and it will be pointless.

We did go to relate, but H lied his way through the sessions! Was blaming it all on depression, our relationship blah blah blah... never once mentioned his girlfriend!!
What a complete waste of money!

I agree, maybe you should go for yourself for the moment. Get some help and support to deal with this difficult time.

Perhaps book the session, tell him when and where it is, and give him the chance to do the right thing and turn up.
If he doesn't tuen up, then go alone. At least you'd know that you had tried everything to save things - and it would show you just how little he valued the relationship if he's not even prepared to attend a 1 hour counselling session

TLV I don't ahve any experience of this (unlike some others on here) but I think I would ask why he left n the first place? Are the arguments sorted out? Is there a way forward without setling them?
Some men like to be needed, and some men like clingy women - they get a bit of a shock when you suddenly don't need them anymore. Try to sort out your life as much as you can, without trying to fit him back into it. He may decide he doesnt like that much. And if he does, then at least you can move on under your own steam.

good luck, and lots of support to you when you need it!

Hi TLV I have been going through something very similar, I have done the begging, the what is wrong with me, the you are making a full of yourself bit all of it, every emotion. But I have decided he is just a selfish pig as all he is interested in is making himself happy. I know he won't find much happyness with a silly girl 10 years younger and that it is his work and lack of a social life that are making him unhappy, but I will be dammed if I will let him bring me down while he discovers that.

So chin up babes, get yourself sorted out and as someone said to me if he does come crawling back in a while you can make it on your terms not his. You have to put your DD and yourself first concentrate on sorting out all the practical stuff and don't tie yourself up in all the emotional stuff. I have been on one rocky rollercoaster and I have seen sense now. I will not be standing around making a fool of myself while he does.

I have to say that if he has suddenly decided to leave, then he should actually leave.

Tell him coming round for family meals is not an option. If he wants tea with dd, then let him make tea and have it with dd, if not at his place, then at your while you go out (maybe to relate?).
Do NOT let him bring home his dirty washing. In fact, if he says he has 'left', I'd pack a bag for him and hand it to him next time you see him, "to save him going to and fro for everyday things".
If he complains, tell him he's the one who says it's over, and as such you want to get on with it, not have your head messed up with him popping back whenever he feels like it.

For heavens sake girl, take CONTROL of this situation. I know you feel like begging him, you'll do anything to get him back, but that is what he's playing on.
Pretend you have decided to move on. Pretend you are going to carry on strongly on your own.

My guess is that he'll be surprised, and after a few weeks may reconsider his position. t which point you make attending Relate a condition of starting again.

I'm pleased mumsnet exists i really do. I think we have both have a lot of unresolved issues but in the past he's always brushed arguments under the carpet and never wanted to talk about them again. I would like to say that I don't think there is anyone else and he is quite genuine in that I don't think he could stomach cheating on me, and besides we were still having sex and unprotected (and he's not that daft) definitely no more inviting for tea tho, He's as much admitted its killing him what he's doing so I'm going to step back but not sure if I should tell him that I'm not giving up on our marriage

My ex decided tonight i shouldn't have a social life! He requested to have the girls for tea on friday, which i agreed to, then today when i asked if he could stay for a bit whilst i went out with friends he cancelled the whole thing, so now i feel guilty to the girls.
Good luck TLV, you'll probably feel worse before you feel better, just keep telling yourself that you're better off without him and that he's missing out. (and yes, i do know it doesn't work some (or most) of the time!)

Sorry if that sounded really negative!

hi jenny - do you need him for babysitting then? Does he have them for access overnight, when you could go out without him knowing? Or join a babysitting circle and go out without him needing to know? Men do hate 'their' women having a life without them - I said the same thing to TLV.

Hi all

well i've been out with dd this morning and I've managed to get an appt for relate for tomorrow (going alone) dh rang earlier to ask about coming over to see dd, he's coming in the morning, I apologised for the weekend and he was ok about it, he even asked if I needed anything bringing over, he even mentioned something about having a talk which scares me but also i'm pleased about it bearing in mind I couldn't get him to talk at all, he has a bad stomach with all thats going on and I told him that both dd and I loved him and missed him (he said I know I know) in a nice manner and I also said that this was his home too and he was welcome anytime (sorry ladies) but I also said that I wasn't going to force him to do anything he didn't want to and that I wasn't inviting him for tea anymore but he only had to ask, I'm trying not to build myself up but I do feel better for being calm about everything

just being reading this, and poor you hope you work through your troubles with him. Does he know you are going to relate? can you persuade him to go too? keep posting, you will always find someone wise and wonderful to give you good adivce.

Hi TVL

I would also say pack his "stuff up" and leave it in a bag by the door and pass it to him next time he walks out. Show him that he can't come and dump his dirty clothes and collect fresh ! Who is he living with, can he not operate a washing machine? You need to be strong and show him you need to get sorted out. Obviously making it clear that you would like him back but can't cope with his stuff being around you all the time if he is definately leaving.

Hi TLV. sorry to hear of your problems. You may have seen my thread a few weeks ago. I am going through the same thing although my partner has only told me that he wants to leave and has not gone yet. We have 2 dc's aged 3 and 1 and I am 2 monthsd pregnant (found out about that after he dropped the bombshell). Cannot give much advice really but would say that Relate helped us. We had a phone session and it made us realse that there were issues that we could deal with and he realised that he was just trying to run away from problems rather than face them. We are now on the waiting list for face to face sessons but I would definitely try to get him to go f were you. He owes you and your dd that. If he s not happy after one session then he doesn't have to go agan.
We have just come back from a famly holiday with my parents and had a great time - he said it made him realsie what he has got to lose and although he is not making promises he thinks that we should try to make it work and see what happens. With hm he had a friend who he had feelings for - nothing had happened and I believe him. he has promised not to have contact with her again.
Don't know if this helps. I know it helped me just knowing that other people were going through the same thing and that I had people to talk to who were not involved.

you lot are a godsend, don't get me wrong he's not actually asked me to do his washing and I also think you are right layla17 he is running away from problems rather than facing them, although he says he mentioned about going to relate a few months back but i can't remember it ever being brought up (i now wish i did) just by talking to him and and the way he is feeling suggests to me that he isn't 100% sure but is scared to confront anything, i simply can't give up hope I can't

Hi sparkybabe, I luckily don't have a problem with babysitters, my whole family and my friends are really rallying round, it just annoys me that he can go out whenever he feels like now and the first time i ask him in over a month he refuses.