DS apologising to DP...

[CopperPotter]

DP and I have been together for 6 years. We have 1 DC together and I have older DC including DS (9) from previous marriage.

DS has never been able to take responsibility and never apologises. He’s quite shy and I understand it’s difficult even for adults to apologise but I feel it’s important he starts trying.

He will often pinches sweets/chocolate if we ever get them and has also taken bags of sugar and eaten them in his room.

DP has never been that close to DS although they are starting to spend more time together.

DP has some birthday sweets on top of the fridge which kept disappearing. DS finally admitted to taking a few. DP said he wanted an apology. He wouldn’t apologise as thought DP would just shout at him/didn’t feel confident doing it and finally agreed to write a note to say sorry.

Is DS behaving like a spoilt brat or is DP being petty?

This is so sad. It's actually quite sadistic of you and your partner to leave tempting sweets out where the son that you've allowed to become a sugar addict can access them. Then live in fear of being caught. Then confronted. Then shouted at or made to apologise. Your son isn't happy and hasn't been for a long time. You write about him taking responsibility. Hmm take a look in the mirror.

My best friend has just applied to become a foster parent. I wrote a reference. If she and her husband did this to a child they were fostering, I would hope that the local authority would remove the child from them.
When a child is sad, says he needs comfort and is afraid of a step fathe - you don't drift on ignoring that.

Hmm a biscuit from you. Yes.

@DianaT1969 While I loath to give you airtime I have a genuine question. What do you get from making really sweeping unhelpful and hurtful statements on a thread where a worried parent has asked for help? Is it attention you’re after? Do you want to upset me? Do you want me to see the error of my ways and feel you’re the person to teach me a lesson? I’m curious.

@dianat you are massively projecting. It's sadistic to get sweets for your birthday and leave them on top of the fridge?

“When a child is sad, says he needs comfort and is afraid of a step father - you don't drift on ignoring that.”

This.

We all get things wrong - I know I do - and there are many things I wish I had done differently as a parent. With that in mind, I’m with PP who think it’s unhelpful to leave sweets in plain sight of a child with a sweet tooth and then make a huge deal about him taking them. In all honesty, they would be fair game in our house if left out for a week.

The real point is that it sounds like he’s scared of your DP and you don’t sound sufficiently concerned about that. It’s good that your DP is making an effort and I’m sure there’s still time to put it right. But that should be your focus. Particularly if your DP is tall and stern with a big voice. Your description of him actually scared me a bit.

Hmm, many things at play. You seem to brush off your DP not being that close to DS. Well, to my mind, there would of been no other DC's if there was not this closeness first, how shit for your DS obviously getting treated differently than his siblings. Comfort eating with sweets and sugar- just sugar! He's showing emotional distress.
Then, DP having sweets go missing, well, do adults really need sweets between meals for any reason? I'd feel any kid has done me a favour and would more likely give any sweets received away to a child rather than hoard them for myself. Very childish of your DP to make a deal of his sweets going missing. Somewhere, it's his just deserts, for not being close to your son - overall, he sounds quite the nob. Let me guess, your DP has helped you realise that your DS is poor at apologizing to him. Well your DS deserves a monumental apology from his DM, for making him have to grow up with a man who has no interest in him .

Your child is comfort eating.

Yes he shouldn't have taken the sweets but he's a child, not an adult! Children like sweets. Most parents have had a child nick a sweet or 2 - so what? I wouldn't be expecting an apology from my DC. It's not money.

Was your son too scared to ask for sweets?

Either way you have an unhappy child, and a DP who hasn't bonded with him. Your son has emotional issues and I'd be concerned about that. Not a grown man who's that stern, your DS sounds to be retreating into himself.

I wonder if there's anyone your DS can open up to, another family member maybe?

Also what youvegottenminutes said

I'm a 33 year old average sized (relatively gobby) woman and if a man bigger than me shouts or has an aggressive voice then I find it quite intimidating so I imagine it's worse for a little boy

I never understand why some feel shouting and sternness towards a child is ok, when it's something that can and does scare adults too. If you start from a position of shout/stern, which is aggressive, then you're in the wrong from the off ime.

Their son takes sweets and sugar from the kitchen without asking and eats it secretly in his room. He's 9. They left sweets which would tempt him out. Then he got in trouble for it. Things seem bigger when you are a kid. An annoyed step father when you are 9 isn't fun.

When I was your child's age I was also taking sweets from cupboards and eating them, mainly at night. I didn't think of it as stealing and yes, they temporarily made me feel better. I also had a stepmother who hated me, she couldn't stand my father giving me any attention. At that time I never told my father what she did and said to me whe he wasn't around as I didn't want to upset him. Once she made him "teach" me how to be nice using his belt. I never forgave them both, her for how she treated me and him for not wanting to see what was really going on in his family and deciding leaving me to my own devices instead. I was also stealing random things, I don't know why. I guess it was cry for attention. Long story short - I'm now not in contact with them. I left as soon as I could.

Your description of him actually scared me a bit.

My god, she said he is tall and has a deep voice not Freddy bloody krueger.

@Cheeeeislifenow - nonetheless, it did, particularly looking at it from the perspective of a 9 yo boy.

Stop blaming your nine year old for not being able to refuse temptation that you're putting in front of him. He's nine and it's too much temptation for him. Sugar is like crack to some people. Lock it out of sight.

I'd be far more concerned with the fact that he's shy, withdrawn, feels he has to sneak around and clearly has emotional issues, caused by you and your husband.

It sounds like he's frightened of your "loud and strict" husband and your enablement (at the least) of that.

Bullying a child will lead to them having no confidence, no voice, emotional eating and detaching from you because it's the only way he can deal with an emotionally abusive enviroment.

Your child wouldn't be sneaking food if he wasn't afraid of the reaction to eating it. He wouldn't have emotional and confidence issues if he was raised in a happy home where he felt safe. That's on you.

Provide him with a safe, happy, emotionally stable home and you'll have a happy child who'll be open with you and won't feel the need to sneak food. Get rid of your husband and put your child first if you have to.

Carry on as you are and nothing will change. The more miserable and afraid you make this child (or allow your husband to) the more he will engage with coping behaviours that you don't like.

I feel so sorry for your poor child. I have one the same age and it would enrage me if anybody made her feel as your poor little boy does. I hate when parents allow partners to bully their kids. You should feel terrible about that because you're making your child feel terrible. A child is defenceless, your job is to protect his wellbeing, do your job.

Why is your dp 'spending time' with him at the weekend if he's been around for 6 years....it sounds like there is something really off in their relationship or lack of ...and he thinks you should be stricter...and your son hides in cupboards and steals things...can you really not see anything wrong..?
I'm not sure family therapy is the first step as your ds is scared of your dp....
Maybe talk to the gp about that and see what she suggests

If the sweets were at the top of the fridge and he knew they were birthday sweets then his behaviour was wrong. If my 10yr old did that I would expect him to apologise to my partner. I know my partner wouldn't shout, but would say he was disappointed as we don't steal from each other; we ask politely and share.

It sounds like you need to review your rules and boundaries and agree as a family (age appropriate discussion with DCs) so everyone is thoughtful and not scared.

I have just re read the whole thread. Op said her dp is sterner and stricter than she is. He is tall and has a deep voice.
And from that people have insinuated that he is bullying her ds.Even questioning why he would spend time with her ds? As if that's sinister or something?
Did everyone skip the part where her ds threw a tantrum and hit his sibling on the head and had another tantrum when he was told to hoover his room as a punishment?
Op I'm not saying your child is bad or anything I'm just baffled by people painting your dp as a nasty bully based on nothing.
Your ds should apologize for taking them, he knew they were not his. If someone brook his birthday sweets I am sure he would be unhappy.
Dp is not making a fuss over the sweets, it's following through on discipline, I imagine is what he wants to happen.

I can see why your DP was miffed- this wasn't a one off- he repeatedly took sweets that weren't his, and when caught- won't apologise? He's 9. If he doesn't want to apologise, don't steal. And the written apology is a cop out.

Whilst refusing to apologise is a problem, I'd be far more concerned that your son is sneaking bags of sugar to his room and doesn't have a good relationship with his stepfather...

You say he's sensitive and your DP is stricter and has a deeper voice than your ex, and that he is scared your partner will shout at him...Is your son scared of his stepdad?

Maybe family counselling would help you unpick what's going on?

*DP said he wanted an apology. He wouldn’t apologise as thought DP would just shout at him/didn’t feel confident doing it and finally agreed to write a note to say sorry.

Is DS behaving like a spoilt brat or is DP being petty?*

Your son has agreed to write a note to say sorry ....... is that not an apology?

Who declared it has to be a face to face verbal apology? This shy, introverted, emotionally stressed child has complied with the request for an apology and is only suggesting this communication channel because he is terrified and knows that the verbal will likely involve another a sharp telling off by the big, loud, emotionally cold and disconnected man who he has to live with.

He has also told you in direct words that he is scared of your DH.

I think your DS has made a v emotionally intelligent and protective decision

It's hard to tell if dp is too strict and op is normal or dp is normal strict and op is too soft. No consequence for taking sweets and sugar is the opposite of vacuuming after hurting a sibling. If you are too soft then I can understand why dp might end up being strict to compensate which in turn makes you too soft. As a parent you need to be leading the discipline consistently

It's also hard to tell from the op if he's using it to be scary and squaring up to the boy or it's purely descriptive and he happens to be tall with a deep voice.

Did he vacuum his room after the remote incident? Or does he use his tantrums to get out of it? Was the vacuuming your idea of a punishment?

Does ds apologize to you when he does wrong? Did he apologize to his sibling for throwing the remote at them? I'm assuming that he's not scared of you or his sibling.

Did everyone skip the part where her ds threw a tantrum and hit his sibling on the head and had another tantrum when he was told to hoover his room as a punishment?

You've skipped the part where the child makes clear he's scared of his stepdad. You've also skipped that this child is comfort eating and sneaking sugar into his room so he is a troubled child. Just as you've skipped that a shouty stern man is scary for a child, in fact scary for more than enough adults on MN and they're not advised that it's cool to put up with, are they?

Op never said her dp is shouty. She said he is stricter. Stricter does not always mean shouty.
Op said her ds has always had the same temperament even since before she spilt with her ex. People are filling in bits of the story with their own narrative.
There is three sides to every story.

What an awful thread - MN projection at its very worse.

OP you have a troubled child, for what ever reason. If my children had nicked something they were not entitled to they would have got a bollocking. 9 is more than old enough to know better.

Best thing you can do is see about family counselling which may help you get the bottom of it.

Oh one other piece of advise - there are some absolute twats in MN and most of them seem to be on this thread