DS apologising to DP...

[CopperPotter]

DP and I have been together for 6 years. We have 1 DC together and I have older DC including DS (9) from previous marriage.

DS has never been able to take responsibility and never apologises. He’s quite shy and I understand it’s difficult even for adults to apologise but I feel it’s important he starts trying.

He will often pinches sweets/chocolate if we ever get them and has also taken bags of sugar and eaten them in his room.

DP has never been that close to DS although they are starting to spend more time together.

DP has some birthday sweets on top of the fridge which kept disappearing. DS finally admitted to taking a few. DP said he wanted an apology. He wouldn’t apologise as thought DP would just shout at him/didn’t feel confident doing it and finally agreed to write a note to say sorry.

Is DS behaving like a spoilt brat or is DP being petty?

[BigFatLiar]

A big man with a loud deep voice may come over as quite intimidating to a young boy even if he isn't intending to. Could he speak little more softly to him an perhaps try not to tower over him, especially if the lad thinks he's done something wrong. He sounds a little frightened even if he has no real reason. A little effort on your partners part might help make him seem less scary.

[formerbabe]

That is extremely worrying that your ds takes bags of sugar to eat in his room. I think you need to address that urgently and deal with the rest later.

[category12]

I talked to him about it and he told me It makes him feel better...

So he's comfort-eating. You need to address what's going on emotionally.

[Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel]

Choose your child not your man. Always. Your son sounds frightened of him.

[smeerf]

Everyone seems really shocked by the sugar thing which surprised me. As a child I used to mix icing sugar with water and eat it with a spoon when my mum wasn't watching - I'm really bad with sugar as an adult too. I wouldn't have nicked someone's special chocolate though.

If DS apologises, will DP shout at him? Or will he tell him how he understands how difficult it is to come clean when you've done something wrong and give him a hug?

[formerbabe]

You're trying to placate your dp by getting your ds to apologize. Your dp is not a child and needs to see the bigger picture...your ds needs some help clearly and that's the priority.

[RoseTintedAtuin]

Different families work differently but for me it seems like you are avoiding putting boundaries in place. No children (or adults for that matter) like apologising, it is a sign of failure, disappointment and as a child you think it is weakness. The fact is he needs to learn about responsibility, consequences and the impact his actions have on others. I completely understand it is difficult but I’m with your dp on this one, your child needs you as the parent to set boundaries which includes apologising when his behaviour has a negative effect on others but reading you OP you make excuses that he is shy and is scared to own up. I really feel for you but it sounds like your preference would be for dp to drop it and allow child to continue without consequences and that is t good for anyone in the long run.

[goldenharvest]

Maybe DS has had bad experiences with apologising or blamed and shouted at so he is reluctant to apologise. DS needs to understand the value of apologising and that by taking responsibility and accepting reasonable punishment is a maturing process

[diamond4u]

I feel sorry for your son. Poor thing, don't leave tempting treats where he can see it and naturally want it. It's hard enough for us adults to resist treats so imagine how a child feels. Think about the impact all this will have on him later on in life.
Your dp does not sound nice at all, demanding a apology for his sweets being eaten, grow up! Am sure if that was his own blood son, he would overlook it.
Also your darling son seems to be afraid of your dp, you need to fix that.

[Picktionary]

I would nick sweets from a cupboard as an adult let alone as a child. Poor kid! No need to make it such a big deal - poor child. Buy your DP more sweets and tell him to hide them in a better place!

[CopperPotter]

I have explained to DS it’s not so much about the sweets, more about the fact he has real difficulty taking responsibility and how it’s important to learn to apologise.
He regularly lies and refuses to admit he’s done anything wrong. For example last week he threw the remote at his older brothers head in a temper tantrum and he refused to admit he’d done it on purpose or apologise then had a massive meltdown when he was told to hoover his room.

[Chloemol]

Your poor son, you have been with your do for 6 years yet your son obviously doesn’t feel comfortable with your dp who does sound intimidating, and to date appears to have made little effort with your ds

The sugar is probably a comfort thing, it sounds like he is not even comfortable in his own home

That’s what you need to work on

[CopperPotter]

I just want him to be happy and I’m really struggling with perspective and feel like a shit parent.

[CopperPotter]

That’s what you need to work on

What would you suggest? Genuine question.
DP spent the weekend with him and I’m trying to sit and have a good one to one talk with him daily About how he’s feeling. We’re trying.

[CopperPotter]

Family therapy?

[beavisandbutthead]

your DS has emotional issues leading him to steal sweets and sugar. The sweets is linked with them being your Dp. The sugar he has told you is comfort.......you have already decided that your DC from before the age of 3 doesnt take responsibility or apolgise. Feel sorry for the wee man. He needs a hug and a reset at whats going on in his life as if things dont change he will become obese and you and your DP will keep suggesting he is some damaged boy

[beavisandbutthead]

You need to speak to your DS not our DP... its his mum he wants

[Sally872]

If he was so worried about dp shouting at him he shouldn't have taken the sweets. He is using that as an excuse. Also he can't be bold enough to take a birthday gift without permission yet to shy to apologise.

Ds should be made to apologise and some other consequence if it happens again. You can't make him feel sorry unfortunately, but you can make him go through the motions of doing the right thing so hopefully he learns. I would say "you have taken dp's birthday gift you must apologise and pay for/towards replacement. It is unacceptable to steal from anyone especially family. No TV/phone etc until apologised like you mean it"

[user15368536798589]

It's not about the sweets, it's about the fact you have a child who is so unhappy he constantly needs sugar to soothe himself. And your response is to punish him.

He lives with a man who scares him and a woman who's considered him bad since he was an infant. Of course he doesn't want to open himself up to further attacks by admitting to any transgressions.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@category12

I talked to him about it and he told me It makes him feel better...

So he's comfort-eating. You need to address what's going on emotionally.

This.

I'm a 33 year old average sized (relatively gobby) woman and if a man bigger than me shouts or has an aggressive voice then I find it quite intimidating so I imagine it's worse for a little boy.

[HeddaGarbled]

I’ve never really understood this obsession people have with insisting someone says a couple of words they don’t mean. It always seems like a power play/ritualised humiliation rather than anything useful or meaningful. I’d make him buy replacement sweets out of his pocket money. And yes, try and work out what’s going on with your son.

[CopperPotter]

a woman who's considered him bad since he was an infant

So you consider being a sugar fiend and having tantrums as an infant equates to ‘being bad’ as I certainly don’t.

[Ifitaintgotnoswing]

Did you ask him why sugar makes him feel better?

He might need professional help and certainly family therapy.

At 9 he is old enough to know better. Maybe he is scared of DP but just as likely he uses it as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility.
My nephew was like this from 4 or 5 onwards, always a reason, an excuse, some else made him do it, he didnt do it He is now an adult and one you wouldn't want within a million miles of your family.

[WattleOn]

@user1843685313563

And I would prep DH to not shout at him

Why on earth should she need to prep the man not to shout at a child for eating a few sweets?

She shouldn’t need to.

But she has stated that the child thinks he will be shouted at. That may or may not be justified.

[CopperPotter]

@Ifitaintgotnoswing Yes I might give the doctor a call tomorrow, she’s very good and might be able to point us in the right direction.