DS apologising to DP...

[CopperPotter]

DP and I have been together for 6 years. We have 1 DC together and I have older DC including DS (9) from previous marriage.

DS has never been able to take responsibility and never apologises. He’s quite shy and I understand it’s difficult even for adults to apologise but I feel it’s important he starts trying.

He will often pinches sweets/chocolate if we ever get them and has also taken bags of sugar and eaten them in his room.

DP has never been that close to DS although they are starting to spend more time together.

DP has some birthday sweets on top of the fridge which kept disappearing. DS finally admitted to taking a few. DP said he wanted an apology. He wouldn’t apologise as thought DP would just shout at him/didn’t feel confident doing it and finally agreed to write a note to say sorry.

Is DS behaving like a spoilt brat or is DP being petty?

[Nanny0gg]

Why did you move in with someone your child wasn't that close to (and still isnt)?

You haven't answered that question and its the root of their relationship.

[Cheeseandwin5]

I know this is Mns, but the rush to blame your DP is staggering and off course the only one to suffer will be the DC ( although I doubt some of the posters care about that).
Look at what your DS is doing, he never takes responsibility, never apologises and steals ( chocolates sweets and most worryingly bags of sugar). Is anyone not going to have a problem with this. If the genders were reversed would ppl be saying the DSM was at fault for a child doing this?
Also how is it the DP fault that the DC never apologises to the DM?
If he was scared of the DSD then he wouldn't apologise to him but it is stated he doesnt apologise to anyone. So ppl using that arguement should think about it more carefully.
I would not regard myself as strict but I think I would be compared to you.
It seems to me that you are mollycollying your DC and by doing so , you are not doing him any favours in the long run. He does sound sad, but allowing him to get away with transgressions will not help.
He will grow up to be an unhealthy, unhappy and lonely person.
I don't this post to sound like I am blaming you OP, I can fully understand, that you may feel your DC maybe unhappy due to the breakdown of your previous relationship , but I think going forward you are the only one who can make changes and instill the discipline and responsibility that all children need.

[Queenofthemadouse]

My 4 YO knows that she should apologise if she has upset someone. In fact she apologised after nursery yesterday for not getting dressed properly as I told her off for messing about and not getting dressed for nursery which made us late and I told her it made me upset that she didn't do what she was told. A 9YO is plenty old enough to understand that taking someone else's things is unacceptable and that if they upset someone then apologising is the right thing to do.

Have you had a talk with your DS to find out what the issue is as to why he's stealing sugar out of the cupboards?

[CopperPotter]

Thanks for all the replies. Some much more measured responses this morning and I think it makes sense to separate the issues and some of you have suggested.

DP does accuse me of mollycoddling DS.
I don’t think DS is scared of DP but they don’t have as close a relationship as I feel they should. He certainly doesn’t like being told off by DP and feels that DP is too hard on him/blames him for everything when there’s sibling squabbles. He does instigate lots of the squabbles with his older siblings and then has meltdowns when he gets told off.

I always make a point of apologising if I’m in the wrong or have upset someone as does DP and I’ve explained to DS how difficult yet important it is to take responsibility and not have a tantrum when your behaviour is questioned.

DS does get very defensive and we’re going to try to give him more positive attention to try and help him feel secure enough not to feel he’s being ‘got at’.

[Breastfeedingworries]

My dad used to pinch my chocolates if left out as he had mega sweet toothe birthday Christmas ect. He’d replace them ect. I think it’s best to make sure he replace sand everyone gets over it. Address the real issues

[ivfbeenbusy]

So he lies, has tantrums, steals and refuses to accept responsibility and say sorry. 🤷‍♀️

Yes he needs reprimanding - the whole he's "shy" thing is you making excuses for him

My DH never apologies for anything and it's because his parents mollycoddled him as a child. It drives me crazy and has often led to arguments

You're not doing your son any favours

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

No one is suggesting that birthday sweets for a person should become a free for all. I think people are questioning why these are not shared?.

I give you two examples:-
I usually take round a box of biscuits for my friend and her family when I return from holiday. When handed over she always asks me if I would like one.

When my DH has given his mother a box of chocolates for an occasion like her birthday, Christmas etc he is thanked and then the box is put to one side. She never offers anyone, even her own son, a chocolate because she regards them as hers and hers alone.

Getting back to the OP and her situation I feel she is merely storing up more problems for the future if she does not act decisively now towards her DP. I wonder if she is afraid of him on some level as well and how she is going to feel if she is directly told that the two adults in his life are the catalyst for her son acting like he is.

[Standrewsschool]

Some people are asking why birthday sweets can’t be shared. In our household, you don’t help yourself to other people’s sweets. They may offer them around, but it’s not a free-for-all. In other households, they may be more communal.

[AllosaurusMum]

OP do you apologize to your DS? Does your DP apologize to your DS when he’s wrong? Does he apologize to you?

Is apologizing something that’s regularly modeled for him and towards him when warranted?

[DianaT1969]

Have reported my comment this morning to be deleted. It was meant for another thread.

[Standrewsschool]

I think there’s a few issues at play.

At nine, he should know those sweets didn’t belong to him, and shouldn’t have taken them. He should apologise.

You say he never takes responsibilty. He needs to learn that actions have consequences. He if he dies something wrong, reprimand him. If it leads to a tantrum, so be it. Let him have a tantrum.

The sugar issue is another matter. Is this regular or occasional? Is it only sugar he takes or other food? He is putting g himself at risk from diabetes by having all that sugar. Could all the sugar be contributing to the tantrums?

[MsSquiz]

Of course the DP is stricter than the OP, she said herself she had let the fact that he's been taking sugar go on for a while without being addressed. That does not mean DS is scared of the DP, he probably doesn't like to be told off.

Many posters seem to be ignoring the fact that DS also refused to apologise for throwing a tv remote at his brother.

It sounds to me like DS has never been held accountable for his behaviour for a while, so he doesn't like to apologise and apologising hasn't been enforced.

And, the sugar/sweet stealing is something that needs to be addressed separately

[WelliesWithHeels]

I'm curious why the birthday sweets can't be shared with the whole family. Obviously no one family member should scarf them all, but can't everyone enjoy them (with the birthday person having first pick of the treats)?
When I receive a box of chocolates or other treats the best part is offering it 'round so everyone can enjoy together.
Also, I do think you may want to dive in to why your DS is so intimidated by your DP and why they "aren't close" after six years. The inappropriate eating suggests a desperate attempt at coping with difficult feelings via food.

[DianaT1969]

You didn't want to discuss childcare fees or reducing your debt payments on your last thread, but if you sort these and have an extra £300 per month to pay your father, then your problem is solved for a while. Once you DC is 3, or at school, your disposal income goes up. You are doing very well to hold down a job under these circumstances. Easier times are ahead.

[Asurvivor]

I would seperate out the 2 issues:

1. the taking of birthday sweets without asking - be clear with him that it is not ok to do and next time he wants sweets, he should just ask. Its teaching him the rules of life. I had a sweet tooth and couldn’t resist pinching a biscuit or two, but have grown out of that :-) So no need to make a big deal out of it.
   
2. the poor relationship between your ds, dp and your role in that. I also feel quite sorry for him, he sounds scared of your dp. How do you feel when your dp makes negative comments about your son? He is just a little boy still.

[AgentJohnson]

It’s time to involve a professional, he clearly has issues that you are not equipped to get to the bottom of.

[RAOK]

Your son sounds very unhappy. I bet he is extremely aware that your partner doesn’t like him that much.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

DP has some birthday sweets on top of the fridge which kept disappearing. DS finally admitted to taking a few. DP said he wanted an apology.

DS admitted it. What would have happened here (admittedly from a much younger age)... "DS I'm really happy you admitted it, that took some courage. DP is feeling sad about his sweets, though. [DP does sad face] What should we do?" DS suggests getting some more sweets/writing a note/saying sorry. He does, everyone says how great that is and moves on.

Forcing apologies has the opposite effect you want. It makes the child resentful and avoidant. You'll get an apology, but they won't be apologetic. Encouraging apologies while being kind works much better.

My suspicion is that your DP wants submission, rather than growth. But I may be wrong.

[user1481840227]

He’s quite shy and I understand it’s difficult even for adults to apologise but I feel it’s important he starts trying.

Have either of you ever apologised to him for anything?
You said you understand it's difficult even for adults, but didn't say if either of you do actually apologise and lead by example?

[Harmarsuperstar]

I can't imagine moving a strict intimidating man into my house with my son tbh

[Anordinarymum]

In my house as soon as sweets or chocolate hit the deck its open season. Nobody here is that precious.
What would concern me is the eating of sugar in secret.

[FlatFace]

The thing that jumps out is you saying your partner is stricter than your sons dad and wants you to be stricter. A step parent being stricter than both parents isn’t going to work, more so as your son grows up x

[Ifitaintgotnoswing]

Oh one other piece of advise - there are some absolute twats in MN and most of them seem to be on this thread

[Ifitaintgotnoswing]

What an awful thread - MN projection at its very worse.

OP you have a troubled child, for what ever reason. If my children had nicked something they were not entitled to they would have got a bollocking. 9 is more than old enough to know better.

Best thing you can do is see about family counselling which may help you get the bottom of it.

[Cheeeeislifenow]

Op never said her dp is shouty. She said he is stricter. Stricter does not always mean shouty.
Op said her ds has always had the same temperament even since before she spilt with her ex. People are filling in bits of the story with their own narrative.
There is three sides to every story.