On the outside looking in....would this worry you? Is it me?

[Parlourpalm1966]

Dh and I, been together thirty years, married twenty eight.
Paid our mortgage off years ago, no children, thinking of retiring in five years.

Recently, I’ve noticed that apart from my pension and car tax, nothing is in my name. Even my mobile phone is in his name.

Bank statements are in his name, money goes in a joint account, though I have credit and debit cards.

I can access the bank online, but it now has third step verification, which means when I enter the details, I have to access his mobile phone for a verification code. No good if he is at work and I want to move money around.

We both have our own personal accounts which we pay money into monthly (personal expenditure).

All the household bills are in his name. I know the tv licensing bill used to be in mine ( moved over from a previous address where I used to live when I met him.), then his name got added. Now it’s just in his name.

I mentioned this in a conversation about the bills in his name, and he said “look on the bright side, it’s me that has to pay them then” (?🤷‍♀️).

We both work, and we are not in any debt.

But....what happens if we ever split up? Apart from the pension, it looks on paper that I don’t live here.

We haven’t been getting on of late, and I get it might be that that’s bothering me, but if nothing much seems to be in my name, could he throw me out, and claim I don’t live there?

Sorry if all that sounds dumb.

Don't you have a bank account ?
Also you are married so will be protected Re assets and I don't see a situation where he will claim you haven't lived there as it's just ridiculous if you actually have.

If you have a joint account then that is in your name so all good

It's not great that you have to use his mobile for verification. He essentially controls the money in your joint account. Also changing the bills to be in his name only. I can't advise on the financial implications, but he sounds rather controlling OP.

I'm confused - you say bank statements are in his name, but money goes into a joint account. If it is a joint account, just ring the bank and set up your own log-ins. I was in exactly the same position about 2 years ago and did that. Not that I think we will split up, but you just never know.

I can't say I'd worry about bills being in his name. You have a credit rating due to the credit cards and debit cards.

Whose name is the house in? That's what would worry me.

Some men do enjoy having everything in their name, I think it makes them feel macho or possibly is just a bad habit copied from sexist parents. It does need addressing, but if you aren’t getting on well at present then I can see it’s awkward to discuss.

Is the house in your name, or joint? If joint then that’s good. If is only in his name then you still have some rights, basic spousal ones ie not to have the house sold without notice to you as a spouse (you can register this right at the Land Registry and I would suggest that you do, or it isn’t effective); and if you paid towards mortgage or otherwise to household you have have some rigts to proceeds if house sold but that gets complicated.

If the bank account is joint then I don’t understand why you would need his phone to use it, speak to the bank about fixing this as I suspect it is something really sinple like you aren’t properly registered for phone banking. If the bank account is only in his name but he lets you use it then that isn’t a joint account and you should discuss with him that you want a real joint account as you are not a child and don’t want to need his phone to access your own money.

Worth bearing in mind what would happen if he suddenly died? If house / bank account are in joint names then they automatically pass to you and don’t need to be in a will. If is all in his name then there would be a delay and you potentially wouldn’t be able to access the account until the probate / Will stuff got sorted out. I know a woman locally who lost her husband and she wasn’t able to access the bank account for a year because it was in his name and he hadn’t done a will.

I don’t think day to day bills matter much but if they are in your joint name then they improve your credit score and provide proof of address. I insisted on being on water and elec bills (my husband thought I was being weird).

I’ve noticed that many couples I know are currently going through a bad patch - the year has been a huge strain on everyone - maybe be delicate in how you raise these issues. I would frame it as “I worry about what would happen to me and the house / bills if you died” as opposed to “oi why is nothing in my name”

Thank you all for your responses. You have highlighted things that aren’t necessarily something to worry about, but some things need a discussion.

Our house is in joint names.
I insisted on having the mortgage in both names, which we have paid off since.

Yes, it’s been a tough year, and we are stressed.

So basically it’s the bank stuff that’s the main worry. If we sort that out, then I’d not be too bothered about the bills part.

It's the opposite for us & a pain for me.

All our stuff is in joint names but DP has 'lost' all his login details so I'm left sorting everything.

To be fair DP realises this so has taken on the car admin.

But still leaves me somehow doing all our admin.

In slight defence of your husband I'd be a bit pissed off if my DP approached this as not trusting me. I'd be very open to him taking on the work though!

I assume your employer and HMRC, plus DVLA and the GP, dentist etc have you as resident at the address you share with your husband? So no, he can't claim you don't live there.

After such a long marriage, in a divorce the split would be 50:50. Assets, liabilities etc being in his name and not yours, jointly, make it possibly administratively more awkward, that's all.

I agree with PP, call the bank re access to joint account. No way it should be controlled by one party because of third party authentication.

While I agree with another PP that this year has been horribly tough on relationships, there's no harm in keeping track of level of assets and liabilities at this point in time - ducks in a row etc.

Most importantly, his attitude is a bit twattish re 'I get to pay them all' etc, plus changing things into his name. You clearly need to have a good think about your relationship in general and his controlling instincts in particular.

If the bank account is joint then I don’t understand why you would need his phone to use it, speak to the bank about fixing this as I suspect it is something really sinple like you aren’t properly registered for phone banking. If the bank account is only in his name but he lets you use it then that isn’t a joint account and you should discuss with him that you want a real joint account as you are not a child and don’t want to need his phone to access your own money.

This has only happened recently. I used to be able to log in with password username etc, until the third step verification came in.
This now involves every time I log in, the third security step sends a verification code to his mobile which is what I need to finish logging in.
It’s ok when he is here, he gives me the code that it sends to him, but it’s when he isn’t.
His parents are old fashioned/sexist funnily enough.

Can you check your credit rating and make sure that's ok? If it's not, the app I use has tips on how to improve this. I think that will be the most important factor if anything were to happen.

You shouldn't be using his log in details for online banking anyway. You have a joint account but everybody should have a separate debit card and online banking profile in their own name...

Just set yourself up with online banking. As long as the house is in your name then you legally own half the house, it doesn't matter who is paying bills or who's name are on them.

The only time that might be an issue is if you ever need proof of address from a utility bill and you don't have one.

The only thing I'd say is to have some bills in your name, as if you did split and wanted a mortgage or any credit - you sometimes need to show proof or address or identity via bills. Since your mortgage is paid off, that won't count. It can also affect your credit score - so do a free check with Experian and see if there's any negative scoring re: not having any lines of credit in your name? I assume you are registered on the electoral roll at your address as well - if not, make sure you are, as that can impact credit score sometimes as well.

*While I agree with another PP that this year has been horribly tough on relationships, there's no harm in keeping track of level of assets and liabilities at this point in time - ducks in a row etc.

Most importantly, his attitude is a bit twattish re 'I get to pay them all' etc, plus changing things into his name. You clearly need to have a good think about your relationship in general and his controlling instincts in particular.*

I agree with top part, yes. I do need to get my ducks in a row.
I should say the way he said it wasn’t especially nasty, he was saying more that he was the one that gets landed with the bills. Might be the way I worded it.

I have some thinking to do.

I assume you are registered on the electoral roll at your address as well - if not, make sure you are, as that can impact credit score sometimes as well.

Yes I am on the electoral roll.

I’d forgot about the electoral roll tbh.

It's the opposite in our house. Everything in my name as 2 houses ago he moved in with me. Both cars are mine too and he's a named driver. He's not the remotest bit interested.

He had a massive stress out this week because he hadn't realised that his personal spending cash hadn't gone up since we agreed to drop it down earlier this year and he's over spent; i couldn't understand how he has no clue what is going in and out of the one personal account he manages. I dont think he's ever looked at the joint accounts.

The mortgage might have had your name on it, but does the Land Registry? I'd be double checking. I don't think it's possible today to separate the two, but it sounds as if your house might have been purchased many years ago, so I'd be quietly checking.
Is your car ownership in your name? And I think I'd prefer my mobile in my own name. But my past dictates that I need as much control over my finances as possible.
The rest wouldn't worry me. We've always kept a joint account plus our own accounts, and so long as there's plenty in the joint for bills, garden/maintenance and an emergency washing machine if ours breaks down, we've never much worried about what the other has saved etc. Nowadays, as the dc are off our hands, no mortgage etc and a couple of inheritances, we also have actual joint savings but we also have individual ISAs and investments.

The number of women who have no way of proving their address with a bill dates within 3 months (for employment/credit/DBS checks) in 2020 is staggering.

@Parlourpalm1966

If the bank account is joint then I don’t understand why you would need his phone to use it, speak to the bank about fixing this as I suspect it is something really sinple like you aren’t properly registered for phone banking. If the bank account is only in his name but he lets you use it then that isn’t a joint account and you should discuss with him that you want a real joint account as you are not a child and don’t want to need his phone to access your own money.

This has only happened recently. I used to be able to log in with password username etc, until the third step verification came in.
This now involves every time I log in, the third security step sends a verification code to his mobile which is what I need to finish logging in.
It’s ok when he is here, he gives me the code that it sends to him, but it’s when he isn’t.
His parents are old fashioned/sexist funnily enough.

Which means he has the chance (which he might not take) of asking you why and what you're doing.

Seriously, just call the bank and explain the situation. They will give you another log-in option if it's a joint bank account.

I would get your mobile phone bill in your name even if it means getting a new contract as he can look through the bills and see who you phone etc...

I wouldn't like it but then I am the one that does most of the bills etc although wherever possible it's in joint names.

Do you have your own car in your own name?

@Feminist10101

The number of women who have no way of proving their address with a bill dates within 3 months (for employment/credit/DBS checks) in 2020 is staggering.

This. You may need to show a utility bill in your name as proof of address any minute - eg due diligence checks by banks, govt, employers etc. That is a good enough reason for converting one bill onto your name urgently

Why don't you set things up in your name then? Unless he is actively preventing you from doing this, it sounds like maybe you've just been a bit lazy about putting your name on things.

The joint account is odd though. How do you have a joint account without your own login details? Did you just never set it up? Dh and I have a joint account (plus our own personal accounts). Dh initially opened the account for household expenses in his name (he was the one who had time to go and do it, we didn't have time to go together). I eventually went to the bank and had myself added to the account. The bank set up my online banking, debit card, etc. So I get my own verification texts to my phone related to my own login and my debit card, etc. You shouldn't just be using his login (as technically from a security perspective, you aren't him).

I think you just need to sort all of this out if you aren't happy with it. But it doesn't sound like a red flag to me, maybe just you haven't gotten on top of it when you should have. If he refuses to add you, then that's something different though. Fwiw, dh and I still have some things only in our individual names (electric and council tax in dh's name - it's a pain to add me, so we just never did; tv licensing is in my name, because I'm the one who sets up the payment, etc.).

Why don't you set things up in your name then? Unless he is actively preventing you from doing this, it sounds like maybe you've just been a bit lazy about putting your name on things.

The bills were a crossover from when I lived on my own. They became bills in joint names, now in his name.
Yes, I left him to deal with it I suppose, it was a nice change at the time after sorting all my bills when I lived on my own. Valid point though, I take that on board.

The joint account is odd though. How do you have a joint account without your own login details? Did you just never set it up? Dh and I have a joint account (plus our own personal accounts). Dh initially opened the account for household expenses in his name (he was the one who had time to go and do it, we didn't have time to go together). I eventually went to the bank and had myself added to the account. The bank set up my online banking, debit card, etc. So I get my own verification texts to my phone related to my own login and my debit card, etc. You shouldn't just be using his login (as technically from a security perspective, you aren't him).

It’s a joint account as both wages go in it, but it’s in his name only. I can access the money in it, but with the new third step security verification it goes off his mob number which he has to give me the verification code to get in after entering the usual log in details.