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Relationships

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Original poster

How far is too far with your child’s mother?

55 replies

Marioodd · 16/11/2020 11:48

Hi so I’m new here. I just wanted to get some perspective from mother’s.

I met a lovely guy around a year ago, he straight up told me he has a baby on the way. He was never with the child’s mother but they get on well as friends. I’ve never had any reason to think differently.

We’ve been together since we’ve met, he’s had his baby and everything seems settled to me. I’ve never met the baby or anything. Since we’ve been in lockdown I’ve noticed he has been messaging the baby’s mum quite a lot.

We’ll be sat on the sofa, he’s chatting to her. They always talk about the baby from what I can see but it’s constant. He’s said before they need a good relationship to co parent and I completely agree. I’ve never get insecure before this.

They’ve been out for meals together, they obviously spend a lot of time together. And he stayed at hers a lot when the baby was born. So I guess what I’m asking is as women with children. What is normal and what isn’t when co parenting?

OP posts:

ReneeRol · 16/11/2020 12:12

It's a new baby so too young to be separated from the mother overnight or for long periods so if he wants to spend time with the baby, he has to spend time with her.

His relationship with the baby should be more important to him than his new relationship with you, he'd be a crap parent if he didn't prioritise his child.Q

In saying that, they could still be seeing each other... I don't think it's a situation I'd bother to get involved in.

booboo24 · 16/11/2020 12:15

A new baby is going to take up a lot of his headspace (rightfully so) so it depends whether you are comfortable with this. Was she a one night stand/fwb? It seems a lot to take on, I doubt I could do it. I think you'll have years of this, the baby will and should be his central focus, and that will mean a lot of time spent in communication with mum. He's not doing anything wrong as such, sounds like he just wants to be involved, but you'll have this for years. It wouldn't be for me, I'd have to walk from this

Badwill · 16/11/2020 12:20

I've no experience of this but if he's telling the truth and it's all platonic and centering around the needs of the child then I'd be inclined to think he's being a good father.

Personally I wouldn't want to be involved with someone in these circumstances as it's all too complicated but if you're happy with him and he's open about it then I'm not sure there's much to worry about?

If they were never in a relationship it's unlikely they'll start now.

Original poster

Marioodd · 16/11/2020 12:32

Hi, thank you for the replies. I think they had a ‘complicated’ relationship. He is a really good dad and I can’t fault him for obviously wanting to be involved as much as possible even though they aren’t a family as such. I just wasn’t sure if chatting every day is normal.

I don’t want to leave information out but there was an incident before when they were arguing about something. She claimed he was jealous and his behaviour was controlling. Apart from that, it’s been plain sailing

OP posts:

movingonup20 · 16/11/2020 12:36

I speak to my ex a fair amount, sometimes we stay in the same house, it's because we put the kids first and dp knows this (understands and doesn't mind). A good dad or mum puts their kids first (outcome depends on circumstances of course)

upsidedownwavylegs · 16/11/2020 12:39

There is no normal here because it’s completely weird to date someone else when you have a baby on the way, or to date someone who has a baby on the way.

Original poster

Marioodd · 16/11/2020 12:44

I can appreciate it’s not a normal situation. I just feel like we’re separate from him having a baby. I would never get in the way and we enjoy our time together.

OP posts:

Givemeabreak88 · 16/11/2020 12:52

Me and my ex don’t do any of those things and we only speak if it regards the children. I wouldn’t have him stay over or go for meals with him but then that’s because I don’t have a good relationship with him. I wouldn’t ever get involved with someone who has a baby on the way though personally

Seatime · 16/11/2020 12:54

He is in a close relationship with the mother. I guess it's about everyone defining what are the boundaries. He may be close to her for the next 18 years. Are you getting what you need from him?

upsidedownwavylegs · 16/11/2020 12:54

I really don’t believe you can be separate from him having a baby, and no decent father would want to. Babies are all consuming and rightly so.

ellazeem · 16/11/2020 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Milkshake7489 · 16/11/2020 13:07

He has a baby, of course he needs to talk to their mum regularly.

You say they're not a family but his relationship with his child will involve the child's mum for years to come, and the better they communicate with each other the better it will be for that child. (Remember that the baby is your partner's family and his obligations to his child far outweigh the obligations he has towards you).

Honestly, he sounds like a good dad who is putting his baby first (and could you respect someone who didn't put their baby first anyway?)

Having said that, you need to decide whether you're happy coming in second place in your relationship (which includes accepting that he will be in regular contact with his ex).

Babies and small children take up a huge amount of headspace and no one could blame you for leaving... I'm not sure I could do it.

Givemeabreak88 · 16/11/2020 13:08

Just out of interest, does she know about you? Maybe I’m cynical but sometimes they aren’t actually separated, at least the mother doesn’t think they are.

Original poster

Marioodd · 16/11/2020 13:10

I didn’t mean to act like the baby isn’t there. But I’m not going to be the babies stepmum or even meet the baby yet. He’s a lovely sweet boy and me and him also talk about him. I just get the feeling there’s more there between them. Especially as she accused him of being jealous, I just wasn’t sure if it was parents?

It is getting more complicated as time goes on I suppose

OP posts:

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 16/11/2020 13:11

When my ds is with his dad I'm in touch quite a lot , less so now but really quite a bit when he was a bit younger . I would expect pretty constant communication when a baby was so young ,so nothing unusual there. However, this situation would be way too complicated for me I'm afraid and really you have to like it or lump it.

FelicityPike · 16/11/2020 13:13

I’d put good money on the “ex” not having a clue that you exist or that you and he are “together”.

S00LA · 16/11/2020 13:13

@upsidedownwavylegs

I really don’t believe you can be separate from him having a baby, and no decent father would want to. Babies are all consuming and rightly so.

This.

You asked if it’s normal to chat every day . No it’s not, most parents of babies actually spend time with their baby every day. Being a good parent is more than chatting on the phone.

Have you any idea how much work it is to care for a new baby ? How many hours a week is he spending there out of 168?

TBH you sounds very young and naive.

Fink · 16/11/2020 13:14

No one can really say what's going on. Maybe he's just being a decent father to his baby, maybe he's still dating the mother and stringing you along. We can't know that without knowing the individuals involved. What I would say is that maybe you're not ready to be in a relationship with someone in this situation. Possibly no one is, but you can't control that. You can decide what you want to do, and maybe you don't want to be with someone who has other priorities.

Original poster

Marioodd · 16/11/2020 13:17

When he takes the baby they chat but not as much He says he just misses his son as she lives in the next town over so they chat. But they have in jokes and are always laughing at something. As far as her knowing about me, she knows he’s dating etc but doesn’t know me specifically as he said it would upset her. Whilst pregnant

OP posts:

upsidedownwavylegs · 16/11/2020 13:23

@Marioodd

But she doesn’t know you, so why would knowing he’s dating you specifically be more upsetting than him dating in the abstract? He sounds like a piece of work.

Skysblue · 16/11/2020 13:30

Random thoughts

If he wanted to be with her, he would be. They obviously don’t work as a couple.
If he’s a good dad, it must be incredibly hard for him loving his baby but not being with the baby every day. This will come out in different ways but when he is reaching out to her by text it may be the only way he has of reaching out to the baby.
Things will get more normal as the baby gets older and the dad is able to take the baby for a day (ie with you) without it wanting/needing its mum. Don’t know when that will be.
It sounds tricky and complicated but then what isn’t? If you really like gim then don’t worry too much about this but as baby gets older try and find a way that you and the dad can have a turn at parenting while the mum has a break. That might be more around age 2 though, depending on her parenting style, before that age the relationship can be very intense.

booboo24 · 16/11/2020 13:33

Why would it upset her if they're "just good friend's" I wasn't too concerned at first, I thought he was just trying to be as involved as he could be with his baby, but the fact he is keeping you a secret is more worrying. I stand by what I said at first, and that this isn't going to get any easier in the years to come I'm afraid. If you feel there's more to this then I'd go with my gut and get out now before it becomes even more complicated.

Periclement43 · 16/11/2020 13:35

If it's getting more complicated, might be best to walk away now before you get hurt OP.

Do you know for certain they were not actually together & she knows he's dating?

I only ask as I'm commenting from a very similar situation and know the lies my ex spouts when he is trying to downplay our relationship/life together and just how close we still are now.

Ultimately his relationship with his son should always come first and that will mean communicating/seeing his 'ex' regularly. If that's something you can't handle and don't like, you're better off out of it and finding someone with less baggage (hate that term)

Elvesinquarantine · 16/11/2020 13:42

If he is building up his relationship with his dc that could become a 50 /50 arrangement.. He may not have enough of himself left for any other relationship.. Being a new parent in a steady relationship can be challenging.. Being a new df and starting a new relationship with you is a high expectation for you both..

Blossomhill4 · 16/11/2020 13:42

This is not normal OP. You need to think of yourself. If the man has chosen to date he should not be staying at his ex’s house it’s disrespectful. They seem to get on well which is lovely.... why didn’t it work out between them so early on? It’s also not fair on the ex either!

I agree with @Givemeabreak88

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