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Relationships

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Original poster

How far is too far with your child’s mother?

55 replies

Marioodd · 16/11/2020 11:48

Hi so I’m new here. I just wanted to get some perspective from mother’s.

I met a lovely guy around a year ago, he straight up told me he has a baby on the way. He was never with the child’s mother but they get on well as friends. I’ve never had any reason to think differently.

We’ve been together since we’ve met, he’s had his baby and everything seems settled to me. I’ve never met the baby or anything. Since we’ve been in lockdown I’ve noticed he has been messaging the baby’s mum quite a lot.

We’ll be sat on the sofa, he’s chatting to her. They always talk about the baby from what I can see but it’s constant. He’s said before they need a good relationship to co parent and I completely agree. I’ve never get insecure before this.

They’ve been out for meals together, they obviously spend a lot of time together. And he stayed at hers a lot when the baby was born. So I guess what I’m asking is as women with children. What is normal and what isn’t when co parenting?

OP posts:

Original poster

Marioodd · 16/11/2020 13:43

Like i said I think they had a complicated relationship. She wanted more from him and he didn’t want a relationship with her. Which is why he hasn’t told her in so many ways exactly who I am. He takes the baby now, she’s said before she isn’t happy with that but doesn’t get much help etc so it has to be done.

I just feel like he’s the one for me, it’s my fault for getting into this I accept that. I know it’s not going to go away.

He said when they stayed together when baby was born it was very intense and she had a lot of emotions etc. She found out he was dating someone They had a fight, she accused him of being jealous?? Or controlling her. But now they are amicable. I just wasn’t sure if there was more to the situation with them. I appreciate you can’t tell me a yes or no but with them nothing seems black and white

OP posts:

Blossomhill4 · 16/11/2020 13:46

How old is the baby? It sounds very odd OP they couldn’t get along together but now they can get along well enough for him to stay over. I’m sure the mother of his child has feelings for him and they could well be having sex!

I would call it off OP it’s far too messy and I think it will end in tears for you.

Justtickingboxes · 16/11/2020 13:54

Sounds like a nightmare for both you and the ex - I felt a total emotional wreck after having my kids and I can't imagine what his ex must be feeling. After giving birth, you need support and are mourning your figure, your life and your lost sleep, not to mention worrying and working to take care of the baby. It seems so convenient for this guy to escape from all that to enjoy time off with a new date. And he's hardly much company fof you either. Run if you can!!!

Justtickingboxes · 16/11/2020 13:55

Btw, follow your brain - how can you "feel" he is the one for you???

upsidedownwavylegs · 16/11/2020 13:59

@Marioodd

I just feel like he’s the one for me, it’s my fault for getting into this I accept that. I know it’s not going to go away.

She accused him of being jealous and controlling because he was dating someone else? And he told you that did he?

SadSack39 · 16/11/2020 14:00

Nope.. red flag by her saying hes jealous... u probably dont have full story.. easy for him to say he doesnt want more with her but men are easy to read.. hes so involved with her cos he wants to be

RantyAnty · 16/11/2020 14:07

You only know the situation from what he has told you.
Men tend to lie, a lot.

Have you met any of his friends or family?

How long was he with this woman he said he never wanted a relationship with?

How did you meet him?

S00LA · 16/11/2020 14:26

So he didn’t want a relationship but she did. But knowing that, he was happy to have unprotected sex with her.

He sounds lovely and very responsible .

Original poster

Marioodd · 16/11/2020 15:16

I’ve met his friends, he’s not so close with his family so no. I do know they were messing around for about a year before she got pregnant. And we met at work.

Like I said I don’t know the ins and outs but he didn’t want to be in a relationship with her. They decided to co parent instead. In regards to him being jealous I don’t actually know what it was all about but she went mad at him

OP posts:

user1481840227 · 16/11/2020 15:33

I'd never get into a relationship with a man who had a baby on the way. The parents have to be able to learn to be co-parents first and foremost and the baby has to come first. Of course there will probably be bonding moments along the way along with other issues that might throw up complex emotions and that's all natural and normal, but of course you need to feel safe and secure in the relationship too.

When the baby was born and it was intense and she was emotional that doesn't really say much, she had just had a baby so it's not a real reflection on her, or her feelings towards your boyfriend, the natural thing for your body to do would be to bond with the father more then and to bond as a family because hormones do that to you, so i'm not surprised if she got a bit upset by him seeing someone either, that doesn't mean she wants him.

If I were you I would be concerned about how he will react when she dates or meets someone, he might have more feelings for her than he says, he might struggle to know another man is going to be around his child, there are all sorts of feelings that could possibly come up.

Even if it was all above board and they are just navigating the early days of parenting it would be all too much for me to deal with so i'd end the relationship.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/11/2020 17:54

I think it was pretty silly of you or him to pursue a relationship when he was expecting a baby with someone. He was already going to have to navigate a complicated coparenting relationship as a first time dad and now he has added a girlfriend to the mix. Everyone involved probably has some growing up to do and I would be removing myself from the equation if I was you.

Mittens030869 · 16/11/2020 18:11

I agree with those PPs saying that he's very likely lying to you and the mother of his baby doesn't know about you at all.

Isthisnothing · 16/11/2020 18:20

I think you and the ex are headed for heartbreak op.

He has been dishonest with her about his current situation - he obviously justifies lying for an easier life. He won't paint a clear picture for you either.

He is too wrapped up in the excitement of the new baby (as he should be) to give your relationship a fair go. This doesn't mean he prefers his ex to you but it does mean you are gonna be sidelined.

It's a messy situation and he is not a great guy. I'd walk.

Isthisnothing · 16/11/2020 18:21

Also - why did she accuse him of jealousy? This does now sound like two friends co-parenting.

Isthisnothing · 16/11/2020 18:21

*not sound like

Original poster

Marioodd · 16/11/2020 19:02

She basically said he was stalking her social media and made a few passing comments about her dating other men.

The advice you’ve given me has really helped I suppose I’ve been too wrapped up in our relationship to see it clearly. I’m so in love with him it’s so hard to separate myself

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 16/11/2020 19:59

It all sounds too complicated IMO. The minute I knew he had a baby on the way, I would have taken it any further.

Newwayofthinking · 16/11/2020 20:04

I bet she knows nothing of you

Sundance2741 · 16/11/2020 20:15

If he didn't want a relationship with her, presumably he wasn't happy that she had his baby? Or did he particularly want one and agree to be a co-parent? Just seems like an odd set up to me. I can see she would value the support but it wouldn't be easy for them to work together on this, not ever having had much of a relationship. Unless he's not telling the truth about their relationship. Also do you want the baby in your life? Because if things are as you say, it will be in the future. It does seem to complicate matters for you.

spidermomma · 16/11/2020 20:17

My dh speaks to his dd mum most days (not so much now as she's a lot older and has her own phone) but when she was younger she was always ringing, they went out for tea etc I didn't feel comfy as it started out of the blue but their wasn't anything to it. Me and her now talk and they mostly all message me instead of him lol! Guess a newborn would be a lot harder ! Xx

tinyvulture · 16/11/2020 20:17

My daughter’s dad and I are very close - we have a child together after all. He was a shit husband but I’m lucky that he is a great co-parent. We message every day, mostly about dd, but also discuss other aspects of our lives too because these impact on dd.

The red flag here for me is that your boyfriend’s dc’s mum doesn’t seem to know about you. My dd’s Dad and I are very open with each other about our relationships. Why wouldn’t we be? We don’t want to be together any more, but we love each other as friends, and want what is best for each other/our child. So to me, our romantic relationships have to be on the table and open for discussion.

It would certainly worry me if that this isn’t the case here. To me that is the only worrying factor.

Original poster

Marioodd · 16/11/2020 20:26

I know he wasn’t thrilled that she was pregnant but went along with what she wanted. I personally think now that something else has gone on with them. It’s just all a bit too convenient.

The biggest red flag is the fact they were arguing about things that had nothing to do with their baby. I’ve been talking to my friend and she thinks they had been together this whole time, then she’s found out about me ? Or something along those lines. Why would they go out for meals with a newish baby? Baby has no clue. Why would they chat and send good morning and good night messages.

I’ve told him we need to talk and I’m going to send her a message too to let her know

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/11/2020 20:32

Wait you're going to message the mother of his baby too?! Is that what you mean?

spidermomma · 16/11/2020 20:34

I do guess the meals and a newborn don't make much sence but if you've messaged her hopefully you will get some answers from the horses mouth" as they say!

TwentyViginti · 16/11/2020 20:37

@Marioodd

She basically said he was stalking her social media and made a few passing comments about her dating other men.

The advice you’ve given me has really helped I suppose I’ve been too wrapped up in our relationship to see it clearly. I’m so in love with him it’s so hard to separate myself

He wants a harem. He's allowed to date and shag others but she isn't (not that I think she has the time or inclination to as a new mum!)

You're in love eh. Oh dear.

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