Friend with (mind-blowingly good) benefits and feelings

[aurynne]

Looking for similar experiences and advice after finding myself in a lovely but a bit confusing situation.

I separated from my DH some months ago and shorty afterwards met a man who had also recently separated. Our life circumstances and reasons behind the separation are completely different, but we clicked really quickly and became good friends, and were both an amazing support for the other in low moments.

Neither of us wants to start a relationship with one another, also for different reasons: I am very comfortable on my own and want to enjoy the single life, and may decide to travel/work overseas as soon as the COVID situation allows it. My new friend desperately wants to have children, and I don't (and are too old to change my mind anyway) so would not be a suitable long-term partner for him.

Our friendship soon became physical and we were delighted to find that we sexually get on like a house on fire. I honestly had never had sex like this before, so easy, and free, and wild. From the beginning we developed a trust and comfort with each other's bodies that would normally have taken me months (or years) to develop with previous sexual partners. At the same time we agree that we are both free and can have sex with other people, and that it is likely that at some time one of us (most likely him, as he is actively looking) will find a significant other, after which obviously the physical part of our friendship will have to end. We both hope that the new partner will be open minded and happy that we remain friends, however we also recognise that not every new partner is happy with their new love sharing friendships with previous lovers.

So in summary, an amazing friendship where we can be honest with one another, share anything about ourselves, we are both great listeners and have a lot of fun doing things together. Mind-blowing sex. And a connection like we have never had with anyone before.

Obviously what had to happen happened, and I found myself feeling more emotional than I should, especially after sessions in which there is a lot of kissing and cuddling, instead of just a quickie or a passionate fuck. I realised that half of the times I was not just having sex, but making love to him, and decided that I needed to let him know and stop the sex part, because I did not want to be jealous every time he talked to another woman thinking "this can be the one and I will he crushed".

I had a chat with him letting him know all this. He was very sad that I had decided to stop the physical part of our friendship but respected my decision... but revealed that he had been feeling the same way and had been having the same thoughts. I had made my decision to stop the physical side assuming that for him sex was just sex, and I was the only one starting to have feelings, however his admission has set me in turmoil.

Despite the feelings, I still very much do not want a relationship. Even though the friendship and connection are amazing, my FWB and I are very different people with different hobbies, things we like and ideas of how to live life. I am very happy on my own. And even if he was madly in love with me and wanted to be with me, I would not want to become the obstacle between him and having children, which I know is something he is pining for and would not be happy if he didn't achieve.

So basically I am now trying to decide whether to just continue just as friends - which is easier said than done, when you have a sexual connection like this... when we are close to each other you can almost feel the static electricity flowing and we both struggle to keep our hands from each other - and risk ending up not seeing each other at all to avoid awkwardness and temptation... or to say "fuck it!", and just enjoy what we have without any expectations, risking to be heartbroken if these feelings grow and eventually one of us leaves/meets someone else.

The ideal situation would be, for me, that we continue with things as they come (erm... excuse the pun), and eventually the sex may fizzle out, or perhaps we will both reach a point when we feel ready to move on. However, the risks that he meets someone and I get hurt (or the other way around) is playing heavily on my mind. After a recent separation, I really do not need another heartbreak.

So here we go MumsNetters, what advice can you give me? Do you have any experience with particularly intense "friends with benefits" experiences, how long did it last, how did it end, were any of the parts hurt? What would you do if you were me?

(we are both in our 40s and neither has children, by the way. And we live in a country where COVID is well controlled and we can do normal life with minimal restrictions, however international travel is obviously not an option for the foreseeable future)

Thank you so much for any contributions, they will be avidly read and processed no matter the content.

I'd just carry on if you've got something good.

Don't worry about being an 'obstacle'. He's an adult and can make his decisions on whether he wants to carry on seeing you.

Sounds like you've got the ideal setup at the moment.

I had a FWB this year with the same intense chemistry you describe. The sex was insane and I grew to adore him as he's very charismatic. I developed feelings but he didn't, he didnt want anything from me but sex. I think I hoped he would grow to like me as we seemed to have a bond and I know the sex was amazing for him too.

In September he met a girl and they are now together officially. I can't tell you the heartbreak I've suffered seeing her with him on social media, she has everything with him that I wanted. I convinced myself the reason we weren't together was because he couldnt commit to any woman. No, he just didn't want me. We don't see each other now but I miss him everyday. I cant imagine having that sexual chemistry with another man.

My advice would be to break it off. So hard I know, but when you see them with someone else its soul destroying. It sounds like you mutually like each other so I would try a proper relationship with him and see how it goes? A mutual connection is so hard to find! Good luck.

I know what you mean about the sexual chemistry.

And no future partner of his will be happy for you guys to be friends - with that chemistry going on? Come on now, be realistic.

You either need to accept your heart is going to be smashed into a million pieces when he finds a partner to have babies with and carry on, and do your crying then. Or stop contact now and have happy memories.

And this is why I strongly believe that FWB arrangement pretty much always end up with someone getting hurt. Too complicated and the worst of both worlds: not a genuine friendship and not a relationship...

Wow, the two first replies and complete opposite advice! Thank you so much for replying

@LucyLocketsPocket when I mention he really wants to have children, it is with an intensity I have seldom seen in any man or woman before. He loves kids, is great with them and, without going into detail to respect his privacy, has suffered greatly trying to have them with his exDW, life was very cruel to them. I could not be happy knowing that being with me would mean he could never have them, he is mid 40s and even though he is a man, the window of opportunity is small, he does not want to be a geriatric dad. However I appreciate your "just see where it goes" advice, it is what I had been considering, but it is so hard when so much is at stake.

@Mermaidwaves I am so sorry to read what you're going through. It is exactly my nightmare situation, although my FWB at least is more considerate than yours, does not only want me for sex. We talk for hours, we hug, kiss and cuddle, we meet for movies, dinners and hiking, not only for sex, we keep in touch every day by messenger and tell each other about our days, joke and tease each other. We both make an effort to make time for one another. Still, if the same thing happened and he became besotted with another woman I would be crushed... however I would also know in my heart that it's the best for him. I would so really really want to see him achieve his dream and hold his own baby, that I think it would make heartbreak worthwhile.

Stop now, while it's good and you have good memories.

The only way to limit your hurt will be to cut all contact.

@category12 "And no future partner of his will be happy for you guys to be friends - with that chemistry going on? Come on now, be realistic."

I know right? It is indeed a tad unrealistic. Unless the new person was fine with an open relationship. Now, THAT would be fucking awesome. And even more unrealistic... oh well...

@Requinblanc I agree that it is likely it will end in tears for at least one of us. However it is a real friendship, and what i am trying to decide is whether or not the amazingness of what we have now will be worthwhile even if there is heartbreak. Thanks for your words :)

@fitzbilly

Stop now, while it's good and you have good memories.

The only way to limit your hurt will be to cut all contact.

Sadly I agree with this. There isn’t going to be a really “happy” end to this. But this way you know you’re doing the right thing by him and his life goals. And it’s in your control.

(Totally disagree that FWB is never a good idea though. I think the perfect scenario though is someone who you enjoy fucking but isn’t so brilliant as to hypnotise you, and is lovely but not completely compatible with you. Otherwise you’re just kidding yourself it isn’t a relationship.)

@aurynne I think as you have such a lovely bond it would be harder to let him go, I thought I would be OK if mine found someone else as I knew the terms. Its hit me like a truck and I'm jealous because I feel like he was mine first if that makes sense, even though he was never really mine. I will never do FWB again as it hurts too much when they meet 'the one'.

@Mermaidwaves I so, so hear you. It is so unfair. If only making the right decision was so easy when the heart is involved. How long ago did this happen? Do you have friends you can talk to about this?

@WitchWife and @fitzbilly thank you for your honesty. I am trying to talk and spend more time with my other good friends (without benefits) so I am not so focused only on him. It is hard because everything we do together, not only sex, is so easy and fun. And actually feeling free, that I can look at other guys myself and still live alone in my lovely house adds to the amazingness. The feelings I have are not love yet, but it could get there. But then also, this could be the only (Southern Hemisphere) Summer we are together and there are so many things I'd love to do with him, camping, hiking, explore this country before one or both of us leave it. And then of course ther is the "what if we break up completely and then neither of us find anyone else in months and we could have just been enjoying each other, blah blah blah" which I know is my heart talking but also has logic that is hard to go against. ARGH!

We talk for hours, we hug, kiss and cuddle, we meet for movies, dinners and hiking, not only for sex, we keep in touch every day by messenger and tell each other about our days, joke and tease each other. We both make an effort to make time for one another.

How does this differ from a relationship?

@ThePlantsitter only in that we are still both free to look elsewhere, we don't live together, we are not invested in what the other person likes to do when they are not with us, there are no expectations or commitments. And neither of us wants it to become a long-term "formal" relationship.

It is definitely a relationship of sorts, only one which does not have a proper name

I know it sounds very complicated, but it actually works really easily, anything goes. Defining it is the hardest part!

I think you need a clean break. As you now have feelings, he is no longer just a FWB and the only way this will end for you is heartbreak. I've been in exactly your shoes, although slightly different circumstances. You aren't what he really wants in the long term (and nor is he want you want) so as soon as one of you finds that, the other will be left out. Better to move on now. Hard as that is.

@HJ40 the funny thing is, we both know, and have shared with each other, that we are not what we want long term. I can see perfectly how, if we actually started a formal relationship, we would be quite incompatible. For instance, he is fanatic of a sport I have zero interest in, he plays and coaches it and spends many evenings and weekends immersed in it, which doesn't bother me at all as a FWB (I went to see him play once and was bored out of my mind) but would be a pain in the arse as his partner. His ideal life is almost a nomadic one, travelling and living in tents, home-schooling his potential children and letting nature teach them. I like nature, but that kind of life is not what i would want, I would grow tired of it in 2 weeks and miss my comfortable house and bed. I love to travel and work in the countries i travel in, but prefer to stay at an actual house, flat or hotel, thanks very much, and have lovely food inn restaurant from time to time - he is very much into always growing and cooking your own food, etc etc. All that without counting the massive issue with desire for children. There is no doubt in any of our minds that we are not made for each other long term. That is the reason i think sometimes, that if we just let things develop naturally, eventually sex will not be so new and exciting anymore, and feelings will also fizzle, and we will reach a point in some months when we are both ready to move on.

Hard as it is (phwoarrr) the baby thing is a complete dealbreaker. You have to let him go now, friendship and all, so he has the head and heartspace to find a baby maker. Keep the ecstatic memories but move on.

@aurynne we were seeing each other for 6 months and it ended in September when he met his girl. I'm still not over him and I cant forget him, even though I'm trying desperately to move on. Ive tried dating other men but none invoke the feelings I have for him. He in the meanwhile is blissfully happy, going by social media and I doubt I ever cross his mind now.

@TiggerDatter

Hard as it is (phwoarrr) the baby thing is a complete dealbreaker. You have to let him go now, friendship and all, so he has the head and heartspace to find a baby maker. Keep the ecstatic memories but move on.

^^ this. When he meets a baby maker you will get dumped I would imagine, if that’s going to hurt you I’d finish things now/when you travel.

Unfortunately, seeing as he wants children and you don't, I don't see how this would work out long term. You've just shoring up more pain for yourselves if you throw yourself headlong into something with no future.

That's how I personally would look at it.

@TiggerDatter thank you. You speak wise words. There is one reason I am not doing exactly what you suggest, and the reason is, he is still not over his exDW, he still has issues to deal with and also needs to move on from that. He does say that the friendship we have is helping him immensely with this (we do talk for hours about our exes and how to deal with old feelings and conflict), so in a way, and if this worked perfectly (in an ideal World), our "FWB relationship" could potentially help both of us move on from our separations and be ready for our true love, whoever that is and whenever that happens (I know, I know, disgustingly cheesy...).

Or this could all be just bullshit to try to convince myself to keep seeing him. Also very much aware of that possibility. Sigh.

That is the reason i think sometimes, that if we just let things develop naturally, eventually sex will not be so new and exciting anymore, and feelings will also fizzle, and we will reach a point in some months when we are both ready to move on.

It might work. But the experience I have with the kind of sexual chemistry you describe is that it doesn't quit.

I think when the sex is amazing amazing, it’s REALLY DIFFICULT to realise it doesn’t actually “mean” anything, it’s not a sign from the heavens that your relationship outside the bedroom is worthwhile. With all the differences you’ve described, if he were a crap shag would you be spending so much time on his emotional problems and chatting etc?

[quote aurynne]@HJ40 the funny thing is, we both know, and have shared with each other, that we are not what we want long term. I can see perfectly how, if we actually started a formal relationship, we would be quite incompatible. For instance, he is fanatic of a sport I have zero interest in, he plays and coaches it and spends many evenings and weekends immersed in it, which doesn't bother me at all as a FWB (I went to see him play once and was bored out of my mind) but would be a pain in the arse as his partner. His ideal life is almost a nomadic one, travelling and living in tents, home-schooling his potential children and letting nature teach them. I like nature, but that kind of life is not what i would want, I would grow tired of it in 2 weeks and miss my comfortable house and bed. I love to travel and work in the countries i travel in, but prefer to stay at an actual house, flat or hotel, thanks very much, and have lovely food inn restaurant from time to time - he is very much into always growing and cooking your own food, etc etc. All that without counting the massive issue with desire for children. There is no doubt in any of our minds that we are not made for each other long term. That is the reason i think sometimes, that if we just let things develop naturally, eventually sex will not be so new and exciting anymore, and feelings will also fizzle, and we will reach a point in some months when we are both ready to move on.[/quote]
I actually think the only way out of this for you is to write down a list of all these potential relationship issues and concentrate on them. Stop seeing him (keep in touch by message if you want) and focus on this stuff. Otherwise I can easily see this turning into a medium term relationship that ends when he gets to 50 and realises he’s blown his chance of kids and is furious with you and himself.

I had a similar FWB situation before I met DP and had kids. We were young, carefree and the sex was still the best I’ve ever had (sorry DP). It did however get messy, I loved him like a best friend however the lines were blurred and I felt myself getting jealous over him and him getting jealous over me. We both still knew we wouldn’t be compatible as a proper relationship however that didn’t stop us still ending up together at least 3x w week. The only reason it ended was that he moved back to his home country. I still look back in fondness at that relationship and I’m glad we cut it off before it got severely emotionally messy. If I was you, I’d cut the relationship now to save the future heartbreak, at least now it would be easier than say 6 months down the line. If kids really is a dealbreaker then it’s the kindest thing to do.

@Suzi888 I would be heartbroken, but if the woman he met actually became the mother of his child I would also be so, so genuinely happy for him. I am a midwife, and sometimes I find myself having these fantasies in which I am in the room when his wife/partner is having his baby, and just watching him holding his own baby fills my heart with happiness. Again, cheesy as fuck, I know.