Friend with (mind-blowingly good) benefits and feelings

[aurynne]

Looking for similar experiences and advice after finding myself in a lovely but a bit confusing situation.

I separated from my DH some months ago and shorty afterwards met a man who had also recently separated. Our life circumstances and reasons behind the separation are completely different, but we clicked really quickly and became good friends, and were both an amazing support for the other in low moments.

Neither of us wants to start a relationship with one another, also for different reasons: I am very comfortable on my own and want to enjoy the single life, and may decide to travel/work overseas as soon as the COVID situation allows it. My new friend desperately wants to have children, and I don't (and are too old to change my mind anyway) so would not be a suitable long-term partner for him.

Our friendship soon became physical and we were delighted to find that we sexually get on like a house on fire. I honestly had never had sex like this before, so easy, and free, and wild. From the beginning we developed a trust and comfort with each other's bodies that would normally have taken me months (or years) to develop with previous sexual partners. At the same time we agree that we are both free and can have sex with other people, and that it is likely that at some time one of us (most likely him, as he is actively looking) will find a significant other, after which obviously the physical part of our friendship will have to end. We both hope that the new partner will be open minded and happy that we remain friends, however we also recognise that not every new partner is happy with their new love sharing friendships with previous lovers.

So in summary, an amazing friendship where we can be honest with one another, share anything about ourselves, we are both great listeners and have a lot of fun doing things together. Mind-blowing sex. And a connection like we have never had with anyone before.

Obviously what had to happen happened, and I found myself feeling more emotional than I should, especially after sessions in which there is a lot of kissing and cuddling, instead of just a quickie or a passionate fuck. I realised that half of the times I was not just having sex, but making love to him, and decided that I needed to let him know and stop the sex part, because I did not want to be jealous every time he talked to another woman thinking "this can be the one and I will he crushed".

I had a chat with him letting him know all this. He was very sad that I had decided to stop the physical part of our friendship but respected my decision... but revealed that he had been feeling the same way and had been having the same thoughts. I had made my decision to stop the physical side assuming that for him sex was just sex, and I was the only one starting to have feelings, however his admission has set me in turmoil.

Despite the feelings, I still very much do not want a relationship. Even though the friendship and connection are amazing, my FWB and I are very different people with different hobbies, things we like and ideas of how to live life. I am very happy on my own. And even if he was madly in love with me and wanted to be with me, I would not want to become the obstacle between him and having children, which I know is something he is pining for and would not be happy if he didn't achieve.

So basically I am now trying to decide whether to just continue just as friends - which is easier said than done, when you have a sexual connection like this... when we are close to each other you can almost feel the static electricity flowing and we both struggle to keep our hands from each other - and risk ending up not seeing each other at all to avoid awkwardness and temptation... or to say "fuck it!", and just enjoy what we have without any expectations, risking to be heartbroken if these feelings grow and eventually one of us leaves/meets someone else.

The ideal situation would be, for me, that we continue with things as they come (erm... excuse the pun), and eventually the sex may fizzle out, or perhaps we will both reach a point when we feel ready to move on. However, the risks that he meets someone and I get hurt (or the other way around) is playing heavily on my mind. After a recent separation, I really do not need another heartbreak.

So here we go MumsNetters, what advice can you give me? Do you have any experience with particularly intense "friends with benefits" experiences, how long did it last, how did it end, were any of the parts hurt? What would you do if you were me?

(we are both in our 40s and neither has children, by the way. And we live in a country where COVID is well controlled and we can do normal life with minimal restrictions, however international travel is obviously not an option for the foreseeable future)

Thank you so much for any contributions, they will be avidly read and processed no matter the content.

You seem to be focusing a lot on the ‘what ifs’. Sounds like way too much hard work for a fwb.

I think you need to distance yourself completely, at least short term. It’s getting way too complicated

[quote aurynne]@Suzi888 I would be heartbroken, but if the woman he met actually became the mother of his child I would also be so, so genuinely happy for him. I am a midwife, and sometimes I find myself having these fantasies in which I am in the room when his wife/partner is having his baby, and just watching him holding his own baby fills my heart with happiness. Again, cheesy as fuck, I know.[/quote]
It’s not just cheesy, I think you have a lot stronger feelings for this guy than you realise.

@purplesky18 your FWB resolution is close to the ideal I was hoping for with mine. Many parallels, and also one of the likely outcomes in ours is that either him or I leave the country. I would be sad to see him go, or to go myself (it is always easier to be the one who leaves to a new, exciting place though), and then if he or I met someone it wouldn't feel that bad because we would not be right there watching.

You're on a hiding to nothing. I agree with PP - the baby thing renders you completely incompatible. If he's talking to you about babies he's mentally been there for a long time - this has a very short shelf life. I would knock it on the head now before you get hurt.

@Zoolally "It’s not just cheesy, I think you have a lot stronger feelings for this guy than you realise."

I hear you. That is definitely another likely possibility. Oh well.

I am so grateful for all your contributions, the honesty and the directness. It's bedtime where I live but please keep writing, I will read everything tomorrow afternoon (work in the morning).

FWB and I had a conversation last Saturday when I told him about my decision to stop the physical side of the friendship, so that's where we're at. We are meeting tomorrow (Tuesday) after work, after giving each other some days to reflect, to see where we're at. Seeing that this thread is rising some interest, I will come back and let you know how the convo goes. I will definitely be including some of your points.

You say he is actively looking , are you? It sounds to me as though the way things are suit you just fine - and I agree with pp that you probably are more invested than you realise or are willing to admit to yourself .

This is a very difficult situation. None of the lifestyle or interest things to me are an absolute dealbreaker. The baby thing however.... definitely is. I think either you need to reconsider the no kids decision (if it really is a decision and there arent health barriers -donor egg probably given ages) or entirely stop seeing him because you are going to get very, very hurt otherwise. You already love him.

@WitchWife "With all the differences you’ve described, if he were a crap shag would you be spending so much time on his emotional problems and chatting etc?"

Absolutely, the friendship started before the benefits and we spent hours talking about our separation and our emotional issues before we shagged the first time. If it had been shit we probably wouldn't have tried again and kept talking :)

If the relationship is amazing, could you see yourself with him when old and grey? Would you look into whether you can have a child (a friend just had her first at 47 no ivf)?

I do get what you mean about meeting someone and the chemistry because it happened to me, the difference is we both had adult kids and also we wanted to be together, a year on it's still amazing

It's obvious that you want to keep it going OP. But it's also really obvious you love him.

The question is whether you are right about how much he wants kids, and I would suggest you don't get to make that decision for him. You do get to decide if you want to take a risk on it though, and if you don't, you have to get out now I'm afraid.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing. He needs to have this time to find the right woman to have children with. You've also seen big problems down the road in how you both want to live your lives, plus his passion or fixation on this sport would mean conversations might eventually dry up if you lived together. He spends so much time doing it, it's bound to.

But even if aurynne changed her mind in having children (huge if!) then she doesn't agree with dragging them around (the outback?) 'educating' them organically.

You both want different things in life- it can't work long term- one or both of you will be deeply unhappy, having compromised what you want and believe in.

I'm sorry aurynne as it sounds wonderful

This is a difficult situation for you, OP - mainly because, from what i can see, of the children issue. otherwise, I don't think you need to call this 'not' a relationship. relationships can take lots of different forms, and just because you have your independence from each other, and don't heap expectations on each other when you're apart...I don't think that means we have to view it as not a 'proper' relationship. If it's the relationship model you want, then that's all that matters.

Obviously, what's a problem, is that you're concerned it's not the relationship model he wants, long term at least. And this risks heartbreak. I suppose from my perspective, as @category12 pointed out, you can choose to end it now, or you can wait until he meets someone else. for me, personally, I would probably choose to stay and wait until he met someone else, and enjoy it for what it was - but that's my own mindset and way of living my life and romantic relationships.

You joke about an open relationship...they do exist, and if you think you can handle any jealousy (you suggested earlier in this thread that you might find that a struggle), having a relationship with someone who already has a 'primary' partner, or is interested in the type of relationship model you propose (i.e. one that doesn't make expectations on you, but equally is interested in an emotional connection and commitment) might be a good fit for you, and perhaps it would be worth dating on that basis.

From my perspective, all relationships can end - even ones that don't seem to have predefined time limits on like this one. And if what you want is what you're getting, then I don't think it necessarily makes sense to end it - it's not like you want this to turn into more than it currently is. But perhaps exploring these types of connections with other people might also be a sensible route for you? It still hurts when a relationship ends, even when you have other partners, but it may help you feel more secure, knowing that this FWB isn't your 'only' chance of the type of relationship your'e currently looking for?

I’ve been where you are myself, and this has no good end. You either have to commit to a relationship with him, or cut it dead before it gets very messy emotionally for you.
IME men do move on very quickly if they find someone else, and all that you have will suddenly become meaningless once he does, it won’t matter how amazing the sex is, or how deep the chats. It is unlikely his attention will be kept by you once his focus has shifted, or that a new partner will be happy with you in the sidelines.
From your posts you seem to be falling in love with him, end it or commit. There isn’t a happy medium.

I’m in a very slightly similar set up but for different reasons I’m going to see him tonight and am beaming allready but it’s been going on a year and have that sick feeling thinking this morning what if he meets someone else soon it’s so hard

@aurynne “I am a midwife, and sometimes I find myself having these fantasies in which I am in the room when his wife/partner is having his baby”,

If I were his wife and you were his ex fwb that would be my worst nightmare! I don’t think I could handle my DH keeping in touch with an ex.
(Sorry, you seem very nice by the way). You both seem to like each other very much, but you don’t want the same things in life. I don’t see how it can work unless one of you change what you want from life.
I have some past experience where a partner desperately wanted children and I didn’t and we loved each other very much. He said it didn’t matter to him, but ultimately I ended the relationship as I couldn’t live with the guilt. I knew what a great father he would be and that he would meet someone one day who ticked all the boxes.
Good luck with your conversation, hope all goes well.

I think these things are easier for men to separate than women usually because of the ole madonna/whore complex.

In your case i think just end it now and save yourself the heartache. If you don't want a relationship, you don't want a relationship. And you don't know whether he's just saying he has feelings to keep you around. Anything that crazy tends to mean you're not thinking clearly. Take a break and try to get an objective picture.

OP, purely from a selfish perspective I would stop this relationship. You are falling for him, it would either end with you getting together as a couple and him suffering because you won't give him a child or him even finding a partner and you going through a very painful breakup

Live these days to the fullest. I wouldn't walk from something mind blowing and amazing as that because I am worried about next year. Go week by week and cross the separation bridge when one of you is ready?

I would say that if you carry on with this relationship you could be harming his chances of finding happiness with someone else including children. He has feelings for you too so as long as he is with you whatever the arrangement he won’t be able in the right mindset to find someone else and create a future with them. What you have together now will hold him back. If you care about him that much I would let him go.

I'm with PP - you've been very clear, and for good sensible reasons, that you don't want a relationship and your priorities and lifestyles are incompatible even if you did. Your choices are functionally to accept/agree that you're together together, or take a biiiiiig old step back. And since you've ruled out the former on sensible grounds, I think you really need to do the latter, and have minimal to no contact for a while so you can get over him and you two can redraw boundaries, and have a shot at a lovely friendship and fond memories in future, instead of recriminations, a dead friendship and a world of heartbreak.

Look at it this way: you say he really really wants kids and you know well he won't be having them with you, so the most loving thing you can do for him as a friend is to step back and give him space and time to meet the future mother of his child. This means not meeting in person for some time. At all. Cause all it's going to take is an impulse or lowered inhibitions on one of your parts, and you know you're going to end up fucking again.

I’m 48 and had my DS just over a year ago via an egg donor. I have a DD (using my own egg). I would be a massive advocate for egg donation - the fact that DS is not genetically mine makes absolutely no difference. I also found my pregnancy/birth via csection far easier than 10years ago with DD. Have you fully decided not to have children?

If it weren't for him wanting children I would say go for it and try a relationship.

This situation has to end at some point, either now or when he finds a girlfriend and drops you and I think the latter would be more painful so I'd stop it now.

A slightly different situation but when I met DP, we were sort of FWB. Sleeping together but not in a relationship and not exclusive and I grew feelings too and put a stop to things after a few months as I was too jealous about the idea of him seeing other people. Turns out he felt the same and we became exclusive. We have now been together 4 years and have a baby on the way

He always said he didn't want any children and I know I did in the future so I wasn't sure what would happen but he changed his mind

The reason the sex is so good is you don’t have all the usual resentments you would get in a relationship that eventually carry over into the bedroom. With a FWB you can really open yourself up and be sexually vulnerable in a way that you aren’t in a relationship - no judgements from a fwb. Still means you can be fond of each other but keep telling yourself (and them) it’s just sex!