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Original poster

Step dad no longer wants to see his step child

67 replies

Dickorydockwhatthe · 15/11/2020 21:22

My friend and her partner have broken up and he no longer wants anything to do with her 4 year old daughter whom he has raised since she was 4 months old and who she calls and knows as dad. Her child always had a stronger bond with her step dad and was all for her daddy so she is really struggling with the changes as is my friend. What advice can I give her?

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 15/11/2020 21:33

Step parents are often told to keep their nose out as it's none of their business. This is the flipside of that. He's probably hurting from the split and wants to cut contact. I wouldn't fancy seeing an ex regularly unless I had to.

I don't think you can do much for your friend apart from be there for her. Maybe offer to babysit sometimes if she's lost childcare.

SandyY2K · 15/11/2020 21:34

No advice, but my heart goes out to your friend's little girl. It's very sad.

ghostmous3 · 15/11/2020 21:56

I find this so sad and this is coming from a person whose dp split from his ex when her child was young and continued to raise her as his own daughter, even having regular contact and now they are an adult still regards them as his.

Nothing you're friend can do op. Hiw sad for the little girl though

GrumpyHoonMain · 15/11/2020 21:58

@Dickorydockwhatthe

My friend and her partner have broken up and he no longer wants anything to do with her 4 year old daughter whom he has raised since she was 4 months old and who she calls and knows as dad. Her child always had a stronger bond with her step dad and was all for her daddy so she is really struggling with the changes as is my friend. What advice can I give her?
Are you sure she’s being honest with you? Most of the women I know in this situation deliberately withold contact with step-parents as a way of punishing / control.
Branleuse · 15/11/2020 22:00

Keep out of it

ancientgran · 15/11/2020 22:16

In his first marriage my husband was the step father. He was very upset about not being able to see the little one, sent birthday and Christmas presents even when a friend told him his ex would take the labels off and make out they were from her.

Step child turned up on our door 20 years later, told my husband he remembered him and he wanted to understand why he disappeared. They talked about things that had happened, DH never told him about the presents just said his ex thought it was for the best and he had respected her wishes as the child already had a father and another step father by the time they were 3 when DH came on the scene.

It upset my husband in some ways but I do think it was probably good for both of them.

He would definitely have continued contact if he could.

It is always the child that suffers whether it is the mother or step father who ends the contact.

Original poster
Dickorydockwhatthe · 15/11/2020 22:28

Really? I'm asking for advice on what she can do or how she can explain it to her child who's really upset Why don't you keep out of it if you have nothing better to say!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dickorydockwhatthe · 15/11/2020 22:28

That was aimed at Branleus

OP posts:
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 15/11/2020 22:36

I think that's really shitty of him. If you take on a baby, raise them and allow them to call you dad or mum, then you are the parent to that child and it's a lifetime commitment and independent of the relationship with the other parent. It's not the same as becoming a step parent to an older child or one that has their other biological parent in their life.
There's nothing that can be done about it. If I was your friend, I'd tell my child that daddy had to go away for a while, that he loves her very much and I would hope at 4, that she didn't have much awareness of time.
I think he's a complete turd for doing this though.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/11/2020 23:25

Presumably the little one knows he wasn’t her actual dad so a very basic explanation or story book re relationships going their own way.

Sadly it’s a risk people take when they introduce new partners in their children lives as no relationship is guaranteed to last.

BluSpider · 15/11/2020 23:29

There’s nothing your friend can do. You can’t force a father to have contact with his child, never mind a stepfather. Four is very young, the child will hardly remember him when she’s grown up. It’s easier to cut contact now than to try to maintain two relationships with two fathers.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/11/2020 23:37

I’m always amazed by people who start new relationships with such young babies.

There’s nothing she can do is there. If they’d split up and he was her actual father she couldn’t force him to have contact. The risk for the ex DP is he could try and pursue a relationship with this child and without being her dad and having no parental responsibility your friend could pull the plug at any time and there’d be nothing he could do.

Where’s the real dad? Has he never had contact?

jimmyjammy001 · 15/11/2020 23:37

As everyone else has said there is nothing you can do and you need to explain that to her, she and her children come as a package and either he sees both of you or neither of you. She will need to accept in the future that if blokes have anything to do with her children and they break up then the her children lose out as well.

TicTacTwo · 15/11/2020 23:51

There's nothing that she can do.

Even though the girl called her stepdad Dad, I'm assuming that she knows that she has another Dad?

SandyY2K · 16/11/2020 00:01

That was aimed at Branleus

OP, there are also posters who say nonsense like that...just ignore them. Sometimes if you have nothing useful to say, it's best to move on to another thread....but they never do.

ghostmous3 · 16/11/2020 00:03

She might not have done tictac

My dp child didnt find out that he wasnt thier real dad until they were 7 and that's only because they split up.
The biological dad has never been on the scene, at all. Doesn't know child exists.

That's why it's such a shitty thing for the op friends ex to do that to a child who calls him dad.

Luckily dp and ex have always been amicable but not everyone is I know

Floralnomad · 16/11/2020 00:13

I assume he hasn’t legally adopted the child , maybe he thinks if he maintains contact that the ex will have some come back to get ongoing maintenance .

Porcupineinwaiting · 16/11/2020 00:13

I think it's a bit much to expect an ex partner to love and care for a child that they have no legal connection with. And risky too, as their parent can turn round and cut contact any time they like. Your friend may want him in her child'sife now OP but what about when she meets someone new? Will she want him to have contact then? What about when he starts a new relationship or has children of his own?

AIMD · 16/11/2020 00:19

Oh I feel so sorry for this little girl. Does she know he was her step/dad or think he is her biological dad? Does she have a relationship with her biological dad too?

I think all your friend can do is give her daughter space and opportunity to share to her feelings. And respond to any questions she has in a truthful but loving and age appropriate way. Maybe telling the school what has happened would be useful so they can go gentle of the little girl and be aware she might be affected by the break up.

even though she is only 4, if she had a loving and close relationship with her step dad (I’m assuming they lived together) then his sudden and complete departure is going to be noticed and going to have some level of impact on her.

OldChinaJug · 16/11/2020 07:15

I'm asking for advice on what she can do

Theres nothing she can do. That's the point. It's entirely his decision and he's free to make it.

As for how to explain it to the child, at that age, there's not a lot you can say that's going to make it ok.

Maybe liken it to her falling out with her friends? It's going to hurt but, at 4, she will bounce back quickly.

Branleuse · 16/11/2020 07:21

Im sorry, it is shitty of him, but theres nothing you can do if he wants a clean break and doesnt have parental responsibility. At 4, the child will usually adapt and move on quite quickly. Just remind her that its not her fault and she did nothing wrong. Tell her that he had to move away.

Muchadoaboutlife · 16/11/2020 07:39

He must be an awful person. If the child has favoured him and he doesn’t feel enough to still see her. How can he be happy just walking away? Disgusting. I think you just need to be there to listen and support your friend. There’s nothing you can do. If he’s like that it’s best they move on without him

Cabinfever10 · 16/11/2020 07:52

Your friend needs to tell her daughter the truth and maybe try and establish a relationship with her real dad.
This will be heart breaking for her daughter and honesty it was a shitty thing for both her mum and ex to do her, he should of never been introduced to her as dad or allowed to call him dad

Original poster
Dickorydockwhatthe · 16/11/2020 08:31

No relationship with her real dad she's never met him, which is what makes it so sad. She's now lost two fathers in a way. So how do you help a child overcome this 😔. She doesn't really understand he's not her real dad still too young to completely understand.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 16/11/2020 08:35

Porcupine is right. The step father-step daughter relationship would have broken down at some point, maybe it’s better it happens now.

Would your friend really have allowed her ex to see the child regularly, have her over night ?

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