Step dad no longer wants to see his step child

[Dickorydockwhatthe]

My friend and her partner have broken up and he no longer wants anything to do with her 4 year old daughter whom he has raised since she was 4 months old and who she calls and knows as dad. Her child always had a stronger bond with her step dad and was all for her daddy so she is really struggling with the changes as is my friend. What advice can I give her?

I started seeing my ex husband when my eldest was a baby old - we'd known each other since school. He was never encouraged to think of him as 'daddy'. When he started school, he asked about his daddy (his father has never shown any interest- son is 22 and still no contact ever). We explained that my partner wasn't his dad but was 'like a dad'. He asked of he could call him daddy and my now ex I deliberated extensively and considered what it would mean for my son.

Anyway, we split when son was 13. My ex paid maintenance for him until he turned 18 and they still have a father/son relationship now. But we took it very slowly. Your friend was asking for trouble when she allowed this to happen in the first place. The responsibility for her daughter's feeling on this are her responsibility and her doing - not his.

I'd suggest directing her to child bereavement UK. She can choose some books to read to learn about how to respond to questions, what to volunteer and how all of this will be impacting on how the little girl thinks about the world etc.

I once dated a man with a small child for a couple of years, her mum was useless and the child clung to me. But what could I do when we broke up? I had no legal right to see the child. He wasn’t going to hand his child to me for contact when we had no legal connection. I couldn’t see him letting me take her out with my new boyfriend. And even if he did let me see her, he could stop that on a whim because I had no legal rights. If he let every ex girlfriend have access to his child she’d end up with about five mothers by the time she was grown up! It seemed sensible to make a clean break with a four year old who wouldn’t even remember me. She’s in her 20s now, I recognised her in town a couple of years ago but she didn’t recognise me. Kids forget, you just say the person had to go away and then don’t mention it again.

Kids forget, you just say the person had to go away and then don’t mention it again. My husband's 4 year old step son didn't forget.

Ah that poor little girl. Your friend can't have been with this man long at all when she allowed him to take on the role of 'daddy' and start raising a four month old, I'm quite shocked at that.

I don't even know how you'd start explaining this to a now four year old, given that they've not attempted to previously explain that he's not her real dad.

If I were your friend I'd be looking for some advice from and booking a couple of sessions with a child/family therapist.

Your friend needs to learn that parenting is a lifetime commitment and to not allow her child to call or view anybody "daddy" until that person has made a lifetime parenting commitment to the child.

Too late now, she's played games and allowed her ex to play games with the child's perception and emotions, now the child will suffer.

The child needs therapy and your friend needs to put her kids needs first.

That's so sad. The child will feel no different than a child who'd been suddenly abandoned by their bio dad

I think @BluSpider makes an important point.

I had no legal right to see the child. He wasn’t going to hand his child to me for contact when we had no legal connection. I couldn’t see him letting me take her out with my new boyfriend. And even if he did let me see her, he could stop that on a whim because I had no legal rights. If he let every ex girlfriend have access to his child she’d end up with about five mothers by the time she was grown up!

Step parents don't have rights and a lot of people have multiple relationships over the years. If your friend meets a new partner and he objects to, what to him will be some guy who isn't even the kids father hanging around all the time is she really going to prioritise contact with an ex step-dad?

Step-parents aren't parents but are often expected to act like them when it suits but then step back and disappear when their presence is no longer convenient. That is not a reasonable expectation.

It might still be worth speaking to a solicitor though. Although he isn’t the biological father, he could be deemed to have accepted parental responsibility for the child, seeing as he married her mother, lived with her for years and contributed towards supporting her financially. A judge could order him to pay child support on the basis that he had taken on the role of father and the child would be disadvantaged by having that support removed.

I feel really sorry for your friends daughter. It must be terribly confusing.

But I do have sympathy for your friends ex too. It's very difficult imo to genuinely continue a step parent relationship post break up. It relies so heavily on the actual parent allowing it to continue. You have absolutely no rights over the child, could he ever go on to have a relationship with someone else, would your friend stop him from seeing her daughter if he did? If they argue will she pull the plug on the relationship?

It isn't the same as being a parent no matter how you wish to dress it up. Having legal parental responsibility is important. It allows parents to carry on seeing their children even when things may be acrimonious with the other. Your friends ex would not be able to do the same if your friend ever changed her mind. I can understand why he might feel it easier to walk away now because, in my opinion, the likelihood is that will happen at some point.

As for advice for your friend, there is nothing she really can do. She can't force contact with him anymore than she can with the girls biological father.

It's a shit situation.

@BluSpider where has the OP said that this is a married couple ?

I would tell your friend to tell her daughter that relationships don’t always last, and because both she and her ex boyfriend are very sad about that, they think it will be better if they don’t see him, because it will make everyone more sad if they have to miss him when he goes.

If he’s got any decency, he’ll give the girl a chance to say goodbye though.

@BluSpider
I can't believe this comment. This is about the emotional well being of the youngster and your just thinking about screwing for an extra buck.
Honestly , I hope your comment gets deleted, because it just seems like proof for those sickos you call women gold diggers.

It’s really shitty. When I broke up with my recent partner, who had been a part of DD’s life for a couple of years, I am not ashamed to say that I pursued him quite hard (was probably emotionally manipulative in fact) to maintain a relationship with her (he wouldn’t have bothered). It actually turned out she didn’t want it in the end (which was fine too).

I think if your friend has tried everything and the man is resolute, all she can do is potentially leave the door open if he changes his mind, IF at that point it’s what her daughter wants.....

How sad. COuld your friend write to the ex and ask if he would do a gradual leaving from the kid? So keep seeing the child but gradually reduce contact?

This is what we did when my son lost his grandfather this way - ie. my mother in law broke up with her husband who was not my husbands father - he had been a lovely committed step grandad and of course my kids saw him as a real grandad - but he wasn't going to keep seeing them realistically.

I think it's very sad for the kid but also - the ex partner probably does realistically need to break that bond and move on - however it could be done in a gradual way. He could take the kid out once a week, then once a fortnight etc - if he cares about the child perhaps being presented in this way would work rather than lots of pressure to keep being a father?

I do however on an emotional level find it hard to understand how a man could do that to a child.

BluSpider they won't issue a liability order if she's only four.

i never saw any of my father’s subsequent wives after he divorced them. Nor did he see the ex’s dc.

It’s the norm, not the exception.

@Dickorydockwhatthe

No relationship with her real dad she's never met him, which is what makes it so sad. She's now lost two fathers in a way. So how do you help a child overcome this 😔. She doesn't really understand he's not her real dad still too young to completely understand.

At four she is old enough to be told he isn’t her dad but a close friend of mums. It needed to have been clear from the start and then there wouldn’t be the confusion for the child now.

I’d say it’s the exception not the norm to maintain contact with an ex partners children. It’s why many keep their dating life separate so the children aren’t caught up in the adults dating life.

@Handsoffisback

I feel so sorry for all these children that lose fathers/mothers/decent step parents not one, but two, three times over in some cases. Some people are so selfish to play with children’s lives like this. Children don’t forget.

This.

Except for the fact you've written step-parent. The vast majority I see on here are boyfriends and girlfriends like the couple in the OP.

All you can do is give the child time. You see real dads just walking away and its probably harder for the step dad because he has no rights. Or he was really only in the relationship for your friend and he cannot separate the two. I would advise your friend to keep relationships and her child separate otherwise this could hsoorn again

Unless a partner adopts th e child, it is best that they are not referred to as daddy. He should have only been called by his name. That's not say the child wouldn't have become attached, but it gives a certain degree of distance.

BluSpider I can't believe this comment. This is about the emotional well being of the youngster and your just thinking about screwing for an extra buck
No, it’s not about screwing for an extra buck. It’s about the child’s wellbeing. He supported the child for four years and it’s possible he may be required to continue doing so. It was his choice to take on the role of father and start financially supporting the child in the first place. I would find it perfectly reasonable if he wasn’t allowed to disadvantage the child by changing his mind.

I went through something similar when my ds was that age. It was very very sad at the time but I think cutting ties was best for everyone. In my case his bio dad (who I split with when he was a baby) was and is still on the scene so to throw an ex stepdad into the mix would get really confusing as the years go by. Especially when new partners and families are added to the mix.
Ds is 9 now and occasionally mentions the ex in a fond way but he doesn't miss him and he isn't sad about it anymore.
Although this is a very upsetting time it will get better.