Step dad no longer wants to see his step child

[Dickorydockwhatthe]

My friend and her partner have broken up and he no longer wants anything to do with her 4 year old daughter whom he has raised since she was 4 months old and who she calls and knows as dad. Her child always had a stronger bond with her step dad and was all for her daddy so she is really struggling with the changes as is my friend. What advice can I give her?

This is the danger of these kind of relationships.

All I can say is that your friend should use this time to grow her bond with her daughter. There is nothing she can do about her ex's choice.

It is easy to say that the ex-partner is being shitty here, but it is pretty obvious that many women would see a man who was still entangled with his ex and her child as someone to avoid in terms of a relationship. Many on MN would be running the red flag up the pole at that.

My DP was in this situation. He believed that his step father was his real dad until he was about 7 or 8. He never knew his biological father who left when he was a baby and never made any attempt to contact him.

When his mum split up with his step father he secretly kept in contact with him as she wasn't keen although when she did find out she didn't stop him from seeing him.

She remarried and he hated his new step father. He was really screwed up emotionally by what happened to him. This is obviously more extreme that your friend's situation but she shouldn't underestimate the effect it will have on her daughter.

I also agree that some family counselling might be helpful. It must be very difficult to explain this type of situation to a four year old but if it is not dealt with sensitively it could result in lasting emotional damage.

I have friends whos fathers are not their real dads but are all they have known and whose parents have split but still maintain a relationship with them. Granted they have may have split when older so the children have had more of a say in keeping contact. She wasn't married but they were engaged, living together and she thought they were going to stay together. They were even trying for another child. Although I agree the daddy status was early.

@BluSpider

It might still be worth speaking to a solicitor though. Although he isn’t the biological father, he could be deemed to have accepted parental responsibility for the child, seeing as he married her mother, lived with her for years and contributed towards supporting her financially. A judge could order him to pay child support on the basis that he had taken on the role of father and the child would be disadvantaged by having that support removed.

Bluspidef, , if he’s liable for his stepdaughter, are n’t you liable for yours ?

It might still be worth speaking to a solicitor though. Although he isn’t the biological father, he could be deemed to have accepted parental responsibility for the child, seeing as he married her mother, lived with her for years and contributed towards supporting her financially. A judge could order him to pay child support on the basis that he had taken on the role of father and the child would be disadvantaged by having that support removed.

@bluspider OP said partner, not husband so no dice. I accept that this is a possibility in some divorces, but I think it is quite rare.

He must be an awful person. If the child has favoured him and he doesn’t feel enough to still see her. How can he be happy just walking away? Disgusting

This is such binary thinking. How do you know that he was just happy to walk away? I imagine he’s likely to be feeling conflicted on this. As PPs have stated, it’s not that easy to maintain the relationship in the longer term with a step child as the mother could terminate the contact any minute. Though it’s hard , it’s best it happens now. This is unfortunately a risk you take of introducing new partners to young children.

It's very sad for the child, but realistically your friend can't expect her ex to keep playing the daddy role now they have split - what happens when they both get new partners possibly multiple new partners over the years. This could get very complicated if there are a number of step dads in the picture.

Like a pp I too wonder about how people start relationships with such small babies. At 4 months post partum I was still recovering from childbirth and my baby took up so much of my time that there wouldn't have been any room for dating!

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, the child isn’t his. She’s lucky he was so involved with her from such a young age but it doesn’t mean he has to take on parental responsibility now they have split. Was the biological father pushed out in favour of the step dad who stepped in? My husbands ex did this with his step son, used DH to make the childs father jealous and angry and try and push him out. The whole family told him he was the child’s father. Even changed his surname to DHs name. Since they split DH DSS doesn’t bother with him at all. He's an adult now, changed his name to his biological fathers and favours him and his mothers new partner. Despite DH raising him from a baby until he was 16.

@Justbecause88

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, the child isn’t his. She’s lucky he was so involved with her from such a young age but it doesn’t mean he has to take on parental responsibility now they have split. Was the biological father pushed out in favour of the step dad who stepped in? My husbands ex did this with his step son, used DH to make the childs father jealous and angry and try and push him out. The whole family told him he was the child’s father. Even changed his surname to DHs name. Since they split DH DSS doesn’t bother with him at all. He's an adult now, changed his name to his biological fathers and favours him and his mothers new partner. Despite DH raising him from a baby until he was 16.

That must really hurt.

@Porcupineinwaiting

I think it's a bit much to expect an ex partner to love and care for a child that they have no legal connection with. And risky too, as their parent can turn round and cut contact any time they like. Your friend may want him in her child'sife now OP but what about when she meets someone new? Will she want him to have contact then? What about when he starts a new relationship or has children of his own?

This. Men who are good and take on a child like their own are often burned and burnt badly in breakups.

There can be a lot of automatic man blaming on these boards but if I was in his position I would do the same no matter how much I loved the child. He can't win because when this woman moves on, she would most likely want the new man to play father to her daughter and this original man who's been stepdad since near birth, would in time be readily cut out and sidelined as he has no legal responsibility for her. The pain of this for both her and him would only increase the longer he remained in contact with the girl.

Quite odd in the first place that she got so involved in a new relationship when her child was only a few months old. Sounds like she may be someone who gets codependent on men. Feel so sorry for the little girl in the situation. Hopefully the mother will only allow another man to take on a father like responsibility when they're both ready to commit to each other via marriage.

If possible, and the man is willing, reconnecting her with her actual dad should be the priority instead of a future potential succession of men in and out of her life which is most likely going to lead to abandonment issues when she's older.

@Handsoffisback

I feel so sorry for all these children that lose fathers/mothers/decent step parents not one, but two, three times over in some cases. Some people are so selfish to play with children’s lives like this. Children don’t forget.

This 100%

It's no wonder that so many children have so many issues :(

Even at four years old, the emotions of feeling abandoned and having someone who was your father figure just permanently disappear will remain with you.

The mother should be strongly advised to stop letting men take on father like involvement when the two adults themselves are not even legally committed to each other. Those of us who have gone through these situations as children know how horribly damaging this is for her daughter.

Sorry this is sad for the 4 year old but nothing you can do

I will never understand why people insist on their kids calling stepdads Dad. Now in addition to learning that her dad has left she has to learn that he wasn't even her dad

I feel so sorry for all these children that lose fathers/mothers/decent step parents not one, but two, three times over in some cases. Some people are so selfish to play with children’s lives like this. Children don’t forget.

It's the fault of the parent allowing men and women into their livesand effectively giving them a parent role during the relationship.

Sometimes the step parent wants to stay involved, but the mum/dad will not allow it.

In cases where the child was a baby or very young, women seem happy to let the child believe the stepdad/partner is their father, because it's easier for them.

This just leads the kids to be messed up and confused.

@Handsoffisback

I feel so sorry for all these children that lose fathers/mothers/decent step parents not one, but two, three times over in some cases. Some people are so selfish to play with children’s lives like this. Children don’t forget.

Well said Handsoffisback.

A man I know's mother changed partners repeatedly when he was young, finally settling on one abusive and unpleasant chap.

Anyway, jump forward 45+ years, and the mother died earlier this year. The thing that struck me was that he was more upset when his dog died last year.