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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have I been sexually assaulted?

125 replies

MollyMalone2801 · 15/11/2020 11:36

Hi,
Weird question. I was in bed with the guy I've been dating the other night and we had sex. It was really painful and I kicked him away from me because the pain was intense. He was nearing climax anyway so came back and entered me for not very long, probs 30 seconds or so, maybe a minute, just enough to finish. It was horribly painful, and I was pushing on his stomach. He told me at the end that it had been stressful for him and I actually apologised, but the more I think about it, the more I feel that it just wasn't ok. I feel really weird. I dont think he's a criminal or anything, and I get that he was caught in the moment, but he really hurt me. I can't seem to make sense of it. He's talking like I was in the wrong but if someone told me they were hurting I'd stop immediately. Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:

Luckymummy21 · 15/11/2020 20:46

I hope you’re okay! I’ve just been through something very similar and ended up in hospital with internal injuries! I reported to the police and although they were certain he would be convicted, the cps have refused to prosecute!
The system is so so unfair and is why men like him get away with it! There must be thousands! You should have a local rape crisis centre near you, who have been amazing! I have had counselling and so much support from an ISVA. Look after yourself 😘 xx

StamfordHill · 15/11/2020 20:50

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Nikhedonia · 15/11/2020 20:57

I'm not in any way excusing anything you are and it's quite bizarre that you can't see that this...

" while not stopping seconds before coming is more of a momentary lapse of judgement "

... is excusing it. Labelling rape as a momentary lapse of judgement is probably one of the most disgusting things I've read on here in quite some time.

Nikhedonia · 15/11/2020 21:01

merely pointing out what happened was at the lower end of the spectrum.

Oh I see, it wasn't violent enough for you.

Rape by definition is violent. Entering a woman without her enthusiastic consent is violent. No spectrum. HTH.

category12 · 15/11/2020 21:07

If it would be murder, the former is first degree murder while the latter something like third or fourth degree. It takes a truly evil person to commit the former, while conversely it would take someone with a lot of willpower to stop the latter.

Bullshit. She kicked him off her and he then held her down and raped her. Consensual sex ended the moment she pushed him off her.

Original poster

MollyMalone2801 · 15/11/2020 21:27

@Luckymummy21 ah no. I'm so sorry to hear this. So sorry. That's horrendous 😔 and I'm sorry you didn't get the outcome you deserved. I'm not going to do anything about it - I just can't. You were so brave to do that.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 15/11/2020 21:31

You don't have to do anything Molly. Just get yourself some help and some support. One day you may decide to tell the police, so they have the information. That's entirely up to you.

goldenharvest · 15/11/2020 21:34

I'm pleased you have dumped him. He sound an angry domineering man who had plenty o& red flags. You are well rid.

Nikhedonia · 15/11/2020 21:42

[quote MollyMalone2801]@Luckymummy21 ah no. I'm so sorry to hear this. So sorry. That's horrendous 😔 and I'm sorry you didn't get the outcome you deserved. I'm not going to do anything about it - I just can't. You were so brave to do that.[/quote]
You don't have to do anything.

I was raped when I was 16, I didn't do anything about it then. I was confused and scared.

I'm glad you aren't going to see him again.

If you can face it, it might be an idea to speak to a charity that specialises in this area.

I personally found counselling helped hugely. I got to piece together what had happened, how I felt about it. Prior to counselling I regularly had flashbacks to what happened to me.

JKRisagryff · 15/11/2020 21:52

Agree with PPs, OP you don’t have to ‘do’ anything. Something was done to you. It’s not your responsibility in any way. You should deal with it in whatever way helps you come to terms with it. That includes calling it whatever you want, telling or not telling whoever you want. Just be kind to yourself and please, please ignore the victim blaming comments on here, those people couldn’t be more ignorant.

Original poster

MollyMalone2801 · 15/11/2020 21:52

@goldenharvest I think he was just insecure and it spilled over into needing reassurance and to have control. I would have done whatever he needed to make him more secure, but being in physical pain like that was crossing a line 😔

OP posts:

Original poster

MollyMalone2801 · 15/11/2020 21:56

@Nikhedonia so sorry 😔 I'm glad that counselling helped. X

OP posts:

Luckymummyto1 · 15/11/2020 22:19

Thank you. As much as I’d like to say different, I wouldn’t recommend going through the stress of reporting it :( it’s such a sad reflection on our justice system! But there is lots of support out there if you need it, like pp said counselling helped and I detest talking about my feelings.
Definitely don’t feel like you’re in the wrong or being too sensitive!! It’s a horrible feeling and you definitely don’t deserve it xx

Glumgal · 15/11/2020 23:23

@Luckymummyto1
Such a sad reflection on our justice system. It's crazy that the CPS hold so much power on what does or doesn't go to court when the police have presented their evidence to them. I'm glad you have had support to help you process and deal with what happened to you. The only good thing to come out of you reporting it is that your complaint will be on file and may help in case he does the same thing to someone else 💐

Shutupyoutart · 16/11/2020 00:28

Op im so sorry this has happened to you. Echoing what others have said that it is rape. You dont need to vocalise consent when it is that clear that you dont give it. You screamed in pain and pushed him away and he still continued and then blamed you for ruining his experience. Hes a scumbag and hope he gets his come uppance one day. I understand that it might be difficult to get your head around it when its someone you liked and trusted. Be kind to yourself op, you have done nothing wrong. please seek some counselling to help you through this. If you dont feel ready to go to the police that is absolutely your call.maybe you will someday or maybe you won't thats your call to make. I hope you are doing ok and again im so sorry this has happened to you. Xxx

IdblowJonSnow · 16/11/2020 08:57

@StamfordHill
Your comment is horrible, incorrect and offensive. Attitudes like yours are part of the problem.
OP I hope you're ok. There are thousands of men like this sadly. Ultimately they think their pleasure is more important than women's feelings.

goldenharvest · 16/11/2020 11:09

It's not your job to reassure this awful man, but his duty not to hurt or distress you.
This is technically rape, but I seriously don't think this would get anywhere in court, as he will say he wasn't aware of you pushing him away briefly and you said nothing, and in the heat of the moment he was unaware of your distress. I hate saying that because he is a scumbag, but with so few rape cases with much stronger evidence failing, putting yourself through the emotional turmoil just to be labelled a liar at the end, would not be something I would put myself through. I know this is a defeatist attitude and allows men like this to carry on getting away with it, but I would be thinking more of self preservation than the greater good. I know this is the wrong attitude but when women are saying they feel raped for a second time by the court process, it's where my feeling lies.

You should contact rape crisis for someone to talk to though, and get some counselling. Admitting to yourself this was rape and getting help is more important than contacting the police in my view, although I know I'll get flamed for saying it.

lovemenot · 16/11/2020 12:38

Came across this quote this morning "Women are not rehabilitation centers for damaged men".

I'm sorry this happened to you, he did not need to penetrate you again to ejaculate, once you cried out in pain he should have immediately stopped. End of.

StamfordHill · 16/11/2020 20:25

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Nikhedonia · 16/11/2020 21:50

You still cannot fathom how offensive what you said was, can you?

Do you think there is recognised spectrum, in law, for rape?

Or are you just trying to minimise rape which isn't violent enough on your scale?

Glumgal · 16/11/2020 23:11

@StamfordHill

I think it can be really dangerous to minimise how damaging rape from a supposedly loving partner can actually be. Regardless of whether or not the act began consensually, to be forced by someone who you trust implicitly into a position that is physically painful for you and then to be re-penetrated and held onto in such a way that you cannot escape would in my opinion be no less traumatic than being raped by a stranger. That's probably why we don't have degrees of rape in our legal system. This was not a momentary lapse of judgement. This was a man continuing to do what he wanted irrespective of his partner's wishes simply because he could.

StamfordHill · 17/11/2020 00:30

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category12 · 17/11/2020 07:12

Being raped by someone who claims to love and care about you, who you trust and believe in, is really fucking damaging, StamfordHill.

It's not the rape olympics and trying to talk about degrees of rape and ranking them by your personal opinion of what's worse is really grim.

Glumgal · 17/11/2020 07:26

@StamfordHill

I think we can definitely agree to disagree that this was "a man who doesn't stop mid coitus, seconds from completion". It was so much more than that. Please go back and read all of the OP's posts as you definitely are minimising her experience.

I don't think it's helpful at all to make comparisons with scenarios that include abduction and fear of death as opposed to 'just' rape. I think all rapes are equally difficult to come to terms with for different reasons.

I'm not going to reply any more on the matter because it's derailing the thread.

OP I hope you get the support you need 💐

JurassicParkAha · 17/11/2020 10:12

We met on an online dating app and he kept telling me how happy he was with his 'purchase'.

Wtf! This man think women are objects, no wonder he had no regard for your boundaries or comfort. And what he did was definitely rape - forcibly entering you against your will. He had to hold your hips so you couldn't move, that is not consensual sex.

I can understand if you don't want to report him. Very good that you've blocked him though. I would also report him on the dating app you met, so other women can be warned that he's capable of forcing sex on them. Even bullying you into swallowing during the BJ is reprehensible. Please report him. It will be anonymous, and you will protect other women from this experience.

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