Have I been sexually assaulted?

[MollyMalone2801]

Hi,
Weird question. I was in bed with the guy I've been dating the other night and we had sex. It was really painful and I kicked him away from me because the pain was intense. He was nearing climax anyway so came back and entered me for not very long, probs 30 seconds or so, maybe a minute, just enough to finish. It was horribly painful, and I was pushing on his stomach. He told me at the end that it had been stressful for him and I actually apologised, but the more I think about it, the more I feel that it just wasn't ok. I feel really weird. I dont think he's a criminal or anything, and I get that he was caught in the moment, but he really hurt me. I can't seem to make sense of it. He's talking like I was in the wrong but if someone told me they were hurting I'd stop immediately. Am I being too sensitive?

He should’ve stopped once he could see you were in pain. He’s a selfish dick for carrying on. I’m not apologising for him, but he sounds like he is a wanker.

I’ve been in that situation before and I’ve asked them to stop and they have.

Have you spoken to him about it since?

And here comes the pile on just because I asked a question.

@Beentherefonethat

And here comes the pile on just because I asked a question.

Your question is offensive and irrelevant. HTH.

[quote Beentherefonethat]@CodenameVillanelle there’s a difference to him just being a dick and rape, that’s a big leap.[/quote]
Here's a handy cheat sheet - if the person you are penetrating with your penis screams and kicks you away and you carry on penetrating them then that's rape. HTH.

Why did it hurt? Because he was rough with you?
H sounds awful. I am sorry this has happened to you . I hope you are ok

You were both in the moment but that doesn’t excuse it.

I was just trying to find out if you had actually said stop as I’ve been in that situation myself and I could not hand on my heart say it was rape. Had you said stop and he carried on that’s a different story.

I hope you’re ok and that I haven’t offended you.

@Beentherefonethat do you think you’d still be in the moment if your partner screamed in pain and pushed you away? Would you not be asking them if they are ok, what was wrong? Or would you go straight back to penetrating them because you were nearly there???? Just asking a question!

@Beentherefonethat thanks, you haven't offended me. I'm just looking for clarity and feedback. I should have shouted stop, but I guess I didnt want to make a scene maybe. That sounds horrendous, and it is, but he wasn't some stranger - I deeply cared about him. Sorry about what happened in 2014, thats terrible 😞

OP, how are you feeling about what happened now?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you

FWIW I think it is probably rape yes. This man is thoroughly vile ,He is putting himself and his needs way above your pain and distress .I would report him, as even when you dump him ,he could do it to someone else as well! Honestly WTF is wrong with him!

@ballsdeep in retrospect it hurt because I felt tense and he was reaching my cervix. And I was tense because he'd wanted a blow job which was fine and I'd done that before, but this time he was pushing my head down and saying deeper to me, and I was practically gagging. So I felt a bit uncomfortable anyway. My stomach felt tight.

[quote MollyMalone2801]@ballsdeep in retrospect it hurt because I felt tense and he was reaching my cervix. And I was tense because he'd wanted a blow job which was fine and I'd done that before, but this time he was pushing my head down and saying deeper to me, and I was practically gagging. So I felt a bit uncomfortable anyway. My stomach felt tight.[/quote]
Omg that's horrific. Op I am so sorry for you. Xxc

So Sorry to hear this op
Yes that is rape
If you feel strong enough report that bastard to the police
Even if he done they convicted it will scare the hell out of him

Sorry that happened to you

@Lollypop701 I’d absolutely stop.

@MollyMalone2801

The bit about the blow job, christ he’s vile.

Are you in Ireland?

He is a criminal OP, he’s a rapist. Sorry. Please don’t feel bad. He is the one who has done wrong, not you.

@Beentherefonethat

You were both in the moment but that doesn’t excuse it.

I was just trying to find out if you had actually said stop as I’ve been in that situation myself and I could not hand on my heart say it was rape. Had you said stop and he carried on that’s a different story.

I hope you’re ok and that I haven’t offended you.

You do realise that saying the word "stop" is not the yardstick by which we judge whether an act is rape or not, don't you?

I think the kicking away and screaming in pain, for example, might negate this man's ability to argue convincingly that he could reasonably believe that the OP was consenting.

OP, I'm sorry this happened. It is absolutely not anything you should be feeling guilty about or apologising to him for.

I’m so sorry you went through that.
This man was completely in the wrong. As someone said he is a sexual bully. A sexual relationship needs two equal adults. You both have to feel comfortable with it and his being in the moment as you put it doesn’t top your discomfort and pain.

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross yes, I do realise that. I was raped, I know what rape is.

I have been in the same situation as op before and I couldn’t call it rape which is why I asked the question I did. Had op said stop and he carried on then it was absolutely rape, no question and she’d have a definitive answer.

that sounds awful - you are in full control of your body and he should respect that.. he sounds horrible and selfish..

i'm sorry to hear you experienced this :( stay strong and never have anything to do with him again - tell him why.

Op, if you’re in Ireland you can approach rape crisis, they were fabulous with me after my attack in 2014. I actually rand the AIDS helpline for advice and the help I got started there.

@Beentherefonethat I'm Irish but I live in the UK. Yeah, the blow job stuff was not nice. He made me feel like it was me in the wrong afterwards, like other women would be ok with it and I was just being a prude. But I'm absolutely not. That's why I asked my exes about it, because I've never been accused of being prudish before

[quote Beentherefonethat]@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross yes, I do realise that. I was raped, I know what rape is.

I have been in the same situation as op before and I couldn’t call it rape which is why I asked the question I did. Had op said stop and he carried on then it was absolutely rape, no question and she’d have a definitive answer.[/quote]
I'm sorry this happened to you. You're projecting your own experiences and reactions onto the OP. She doesn't need to have said stop for it to have been rape.

I’m afraid it was rape OP - the responsibility is on the man to ensure enthusiastic consent. Yelling out in pain and kicking away would indicate a problem to even the most Neanderthal of men... at that point surely anyone would say “ are you ok? Shall we stop?” Or “ can I carry on?” But he didn’t. However, the fact it was rape doesn’t mean you have to go to police... you don’t need to do anything you don’t want to. There are definitely advantages in going sooner rather than later if you think you want to. You can certainly access some emotional support if you feel like you’d like to talk it through with
an independent person though. I hope you can work through it ok.

@CodenameVillanelle I’m not projecting anything onto the op.