Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I been sexually assaulted?

125 replies

MollyMalone2801 · 15/11/2020 11:36

Hi,
Weird question. I was in bed with the guy I've been dating the other night and we had sex. It was really painful and I kicked him away from me because the pain was intense. He was nearing climax anyway so came back and entered me for not very long, probs 30 seconds or so, maybe a minute, just enough to finish. It was horribly painful, and I was pushing on his stomach. He told me at the end that it had been stressful for him and I actually apologised, but the more I think about it, the more I feel that it just wasn't ok. I feel really weird. I dont think he's a criminal or anything, and I get that he was caught in the moment, but he really hurt me. I can't seem to make sense of it. He's talking like I was in the wrong but if someone told me they were hurting I'd stop immediately. Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
Glumgal · 15/11/2020 17:52

Oh OP the more you post the more vile he sounds. No wonder you felt pressured. No woman should have to put up with that. His version of sex sound very much like the type portrayed in porn. Who on earth would ever want to give themselves completely to someone like that. In any relationship sex should be a natural progression coming from a place of trust, comfort and security and you didn't have that. I'm so so sorry you had to put up with that. I doubt very much any of his relationships have ever or will ever go the distance.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/11/2020 18:17

@Glumgal I think you've hit the nail on the head there. It was porn like. And pressured. His previous relationships seem to have been quite shortlived so I dont know what happened there.

OP posts:
Blossomhill4 · 15/11/2020 18:26

Ahhh I don’t know OP. I have been I. The same exact situation... although I didn’t apologise!

For me a situation like this is not clear cut from the MANS point of view some of these options are all well and good from OPs side. How would the guy know that OP didn’t want to continue.

Has this happened before OP? Did you not feel able to speak up and ask them to stop? I think as a woman it’s really important to have sex with people who you are able to communicate with.

Nikhedonia · 15/11/2020 18:31

@Blossomhill4

Ahhh I don’t know OP. I have been I. The same exact situation... although I didn’t apologise!

For me a situation like this is not clear cut from the MANS point of view some of these options are all well and good from OPs side. How would the guy know that OP didn’t want to continue.

Has this happened before OP? Did you not feel able to speak up and ask them to stop? I think as a woman it’s really important to have sex with people who you are able to communicate with.

What a load of victim blaming bollocks.
Glumgal · 15/11/2020 18:32

@Blossomhill4 I believe any man would know his partner didn't want to continue as soon as she'd pushed him away. Any decent man would then say "oh I'm sorry did I hurt you, do you need to stop?" regardless of how 'in the moment' or close to climax he might be.

Glumgal · 15/11/2020 18:36

[quote MollyMalone2801]@Glumgal I think you've hit the nail on the head there. It was porn like. And pressured. His previous relationships seem to have been quite shortlived so I dont know what happened there.[/quote]
I would put money on them having ended for the exact same reason as yours.

category12 · 15/11/2020 18:46

Please speak to Rape Crisis.

You might also look at doing the Freedom Programme and really thinking on your boundaries in relationships, as this guy blew through yours. The constant contact etc were really not normal and not OK. You might find the shark cage analogy www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/ interesting and relevant to you.

Mylittlesandwich · 15/11/2020 18:58

I've just read your thread OP. I'm so sorry you were treated like that. No what he did isn't acceptable at all and I would also say it sounds like rape to me. I absolutely understand being in the throes of passion but if your partner screams you check in with them to see what needs to change or if they want to stop. If you're kicked away then you know for sure you need to stop!
Please talk it out here more if it helps and try and get some RL support.

picklemewalnuts · 15/11/2020 19:02

I'm really struggling with people saying 'it's not so clear cut from the man's point of view'!!

So, chaps, when your partner yells in pain and pushes you out, then pushes you away as you try and penetrate her, does it not occur to you to check if she's ok, ask if you hurt her, does she need you to do anything? No? Well stick to watching porn and masturbating then, because no woman wants to be with you.

I'm absolutely disgusted that some posters think there is a grey area here. It's only grey if it's ok to hurt women while you get your jollies.
It's only grey, if your pleasure is all that matters, even if she doesn't want it.

So have a think about your boundaries and values, rape apologists!

Blossomhill4 · 15/11/2020 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/11/2020 19:14

@Blossomhill4 5 minutes earlier and I would have said I could have spoken to him about anything, but as my body started hurting pretty badly, the pain just took over and all I could focus on was pushing hard on his stomach to stop some of the penetration and just try to let it be over with quickly.

OP posts:
FreezerBird · 15/11/2020 19:18

Why didn’t OP tell him to stop? If she knows him so well?

She did. By crying out in pain and pushing him away. If he's not capable of understanding that meant 'stop', he's not mature enough to be having sexual relationships.

category12 · 15/11/2020 19:28

I don't understand why so many are giving him the benefit of the doubt. If you hurt someone in any other circumstances, and they push you away in pain, you wouldn't keep doing that thing, would you?

Why is sex a special circumstance where a man cannot possibly understand an interaction that he would absolutely understand in any other situation?

Glumgal · 15/11/2020 19:35

@FreezerBird

Why didn’t OP tell him to stop? If she knows him so well?

She did. By crying out in pain and pushing him away. If he's not capable of understanding that meant 'stop', he's not mature enough to be having sexual relationships.

This 100%

Plus the amount of coercion and gaslighting that had been going on prior to this particular act probably meant she felt bad for wanting him to stop. But pushing him away is a clear indication that she did.

Nikhedonia · 15/11/2020 19:35

I don't understand why so many are giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Because it's not just men who are rape apologists. Women are too.

sleepyhead1980 · 15/11/2020 19:42

So sorry this happened to you. I agree it was rape and the blow job situation sounds horrendous too. You will probably feel worse as time goes on and this sinks in. I'm glad you don't plan to see him again, you seem to have a sensible head on your shoulders and have realised how awful he is thank goodness.

StamfordHill · 15/11/2020 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

CodenameVillanelle · 15/11/2020 19:58

@Blossomhill4 you really should be ashamed of yourself. You're disgusting.

Original poster
MollyMalone2801 · 15/11/2020 20:00

@sleepyhead1980 thanks. I won't see him again. I just felt so sorry for him - his mum walked out on him when he was 8 and he didn't get on with his dad and I just saw this seemingly sorted, self assured, strong man with an insecure side. He just looked like he needed some love and my heart went out to him. It really did. But that didn't mean I felt OK with being this idealised object/woman that he occasionally saw me as. We met on an online dating app and he kept telling me how happy he was with his 'purchase'. I'm just a normal person whereas he seemed to want some ideal woman that didn't really exist. He just kept telling me how good I looked on him and under him - which I thought was a sweet thing to say at first but actually just meant that I was being objectified. I get that now.

OP posts:
Nikhedonia · 15/11/2020 20:04

It takes a truly evil person to commit the former, while conversely it would take someone with a lot of willpower to stop the latter.

I'm not sure I understand this at all.

MrsSpringfield · 15/11/2020 20:09

His behaviour all together sounds really controlling.
And yes it sounds like rape to me. And possibly assault for pushing your head down with the BJ. He was hurting you, with both. Would you consider reporting this to the police?
I would be considering it because what he did was very wrong and he sounds like he is quite obsessive and .. well, is he definitely going to leave you alone.

DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour · 15/11/2020 20:14

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP.
When you indicated to him to stop, and that he was causing you pain, and instead of listening to you he then re-entered you, that is something that no good man would do. It is rape, as PP have said.

FreezerBird · 15/11/2020 20:17

People are often loathe to lump together different extremes of the same thing into one single entity. For most people the word rape evokes a picture of forcible sex from beginning to end, of having sex with someone against their will and completely violating them.

Whereas in this case, it was more of consensual sex till almost the end, with the man pushing on for another 30 seconds or so when he was about to finish.

If it would be murder, the former is first degree murder while the latter something like third or fourth degree. It takes a truly evil person to commit the former, while conversely it would take someone with a lot of willpower to stop the latter.

That's nonsense though isn't it? We used to hear all this nonsense about how difficult it is to stop from teenage boys back in the day. They'd have stopped sharpish if their mums had walked in on them.

picklemewalnuts · 15/11/2020 20:18

Hearing my partner scream in pain would act like a cold shower, make or female.

That's no excuse.

Glumgal · 15/11/2020 20:31

@MollyMalone2801
The really sad thing is that he probably has no concept that it's really not OK to treat women like this. I wonder how much relationship education he has had with having no Mum in his life from such a young age. I feel like he's probably going to carry on treating every woman he meets in the same way and then blaming them when they don't respond in the same way that actresses in the porn industry do.