Any regrets with ex in laws/in laws relationship?

[wellcomegoodbye]

I just wanted to post about relationships with the in laws and not even sure if I'm on the right section on this thread while posting this.

So, I was speaking to a friend where she broke up from her ex husband a few years ago. The reason why she broke up was that her exh was cheating on her. She was telling me that she found out that her ex in laws actually knew about the ow and in fact even invited the ow to a family bbq thrown for her. Until recently, my friend was ensuring that she kept in contact with the ex in laws and still being a brilliant (ex)dil to them such as remembering their birthdays, ensuring her kids were seeing their grandparents and following up on their hospital appointments and of course when she found out she was very hurt by their betrayal. She was telling me to never trust in laws because no matter what happens, they will betray you and will never judge their darling son's wrongdoing and will never support you. She also said never give more than you think they deserve in terms of time, effort and respect and just do the bare minimum. I was shocked by this statement but it also got me thinking...

I've been married for 4 years myself and have not had any issues with my in laws so far but I have been very kind, generous and attentive towards them. I have been quite fair in terms of splitting my time with my parents and them as I have the first grandchild in both families.

My question is, have you ever been betrayed by your in laws and have you ever regretted the time and effort you have ever spent for them and if you have, what would you have done differently if you could take time back?

If you haven't been betrayed, how is your relationship with them? Do you apply my friends advice in general or do you continue with a normal relationship with them knowing that this could happen to you?

Of course people are different and this is no way a bashing thread as I'm going to be in law in the future myself (if dc grows up and settles down) so please don't get me wrong but I was just wondering if anyone has had any experience with betrayals like my friend and how would you have done/ managed the relationship differently?

After a decade with their son I finally woke up to the emotional and financial abuse and left.

He had been preparing for this by lying about me and laying the groundwork for making me out to be unstable to them for a while before I left. Perhaps even for longer than he would admit to, I never knew if I was getting the whole truth.

Despite knowing me very well by then (or so I thought) they believed everything he said, they helped him hide money so I couldn't "steal" it in the divorce and I never heard from them again.

One the one hand I understand, he is their son and they love him so why would they not believe him. I would hope for the same from my parents.
On the other hand I find it incredibly hurtful they didn't want me to get my hands on his money (anything?) in the divorce but in a way I found it even more so that they never got in touch to see how I was.

I had really liked and respected them, I thought they were good people and I thought we were family but it left me wondering whether they were really as nice as they appeared and with a realisation that to them I was never family really.

I guess when it comes to a split some people close ranks and can turn out to be quite unpleasant. In future I wouldn't be more wary as such, just more aware that it could happen.

To add:
Prior to the split ExILs were lovely, warm, welcoming and friendly. Generous with time and gifts and generally a great laugh.

When the issues with ExH became apparent MIL was keen to offer an ear if I wanted to talk
I took her up on the offer once and uncovered more ExH lies but I am glad I didn't open up and lean on her like I did my friends and family now!

Dp and I were together 14 years and up until he had a breakdown, I always thought they were nice people and we were fairly close. There were a few red flags along the way, she was very money obsessed and she was always a bit too involved in our lives at times and I had to get dp to set clear boundaries with her, nothing really serious though. When he was sectioned however she got nasty, manipulative and I will never trust her again. Ds has chosen to go nc with her which she blames me for but due to what happened he knew about it and stuck up for me very firmly. However my actual mil from my marriage 20 years ago, is the loveliest sweetest lady in the world and like another mum to me. You just don't know. In laws are always going to love their own kids more, but not all of them are horrible after a break up

IME I have never seen ILs not change and fully support xDiL after a split even if their own DS was 100% to blame. At best they withdraw and are distant and civil ..... at worst - well your friend’s experience shows you the potential.

However whenever there is lots of authentic love and loyalty on offer lap it up for you and your DCs. But don’t be anyone’s doormat or expect any extra efforts you made in the good times to be repaid if things went tits up. It’s just realist to expect a cooling or a shift of loyalties after a split. How far this goes or what your expectations were will determine if this is a “betrayal” or not.

@SnoriSnorrison thank you for sharing your experience in this and I'm sorry you had to go through this ordeal. I hope everything is well with you though. It's really hard to imagine what people are capable of because you can't imagine ever doing it to them! Since speaking to my friend, I have been slightly affected by this. In reality, I don't think most parents would ever give up on their children and they would choose to believe their children over their spouses. I can just about imagine the manipulation and the lies a their children would tell to their parents so that they could get the well needed approval from their parents to support their ugly cause. Maybe it's best to not invest in too much? If you have time and wouldn't mind, could you please also explain to me what you meant by-

"When the issues with ExH became apparent MIL was keen to offer an ear if I wanted to talk
I took her up on the offer once and uncovered more ExH lies but I am glad I didn't open up and lean on her like I did my friends and family now!"

Thank you for your time and sharing this.

@calamityjam thank you for sharing your experience. I hope everything is all good with you and your family. It's awful that she changed the minute she was meant to be more supportive to you and your DS and be undivided. I can't ever imagine causing this to anyone let alone to my sons wife and grandchild, no wonder why your DS has chosen to go nc with her.

It's true. They will always stand behind their child

This also means if you ever have to go to court, they will use anything you say or do against you to help their child.

I am neutral around my in-laws , I make them feel part of the family but at the same time, I also make sure they don't know too much of my business

@Sssloou thank you for your realistic advice. I think you have pretty much summed up my friend in a much more diplomatic and softer way or at least that's how I have looked at it anyway. In my opinion, I don't really expect the relationship to be ever the same again but when there is a wrongdoing committed by their son (although they might never see that) and their grandchildren involved in the dynamic, I think I might expect the time and effort I have spent all these years building the relationship to somehow be paid back by them caring for me and being fair instead of greeting their sons mistress with open arms behind my back or helping their son to hide our assets (hypothetically speaking).

@Blueberries0112 it is so hard to maintain such a neutral relationship. I have never ever thought about the court case and using anything you say against you! How would you not reveal too much about your family life if your husband constantly updates them with every detail even what he has had for dinner?

I'm not an in law as such but I have children with grandchildren to ex-partners.
I have witnessed the antics of both sets of parents, and seen manipulative behaviour and downright horrible behaviour again from both sides.
People have confided in me and complained to me, and when I have stepped in to help/mediate it has ended up with me getting the blame so these days I stay out of things.
I will say though, that even though my own children have been out of order at times I am still their mother and while I do not condone hurtful or stupid behaviour I am still there to support them all (both sides) but have been blamed for doing that and accused of taking sides.

Sometimes you just can't win.

Just like to put another side to this with regards IL
I have a partner and we have been together for over 2yrs.
My partner has just been through a very messy divorce it finalised this year but took around 2yrs through ExW being very difficult she still is !
From what I was told by my Partner his Parents and Sister the ExW never had a very close relationship with all of them if anything she always made a point of not bothering with them they were together for around 19yrs they had 2 DC now older teenagers.
I was told when they were invited to Christmas dinners or family get togethers they would only stay for the dinner and then she would want to go so they would make there excuses His mum also said when they would come over which was very rare to there house with my partner she would insist on leaving the grandchildren at home!
His parents told me she never encouraged there children to have a close relationship with them at all and his DC do really have a bad attitude with regards my partners parents which has be encouraged through ExW which I think is terrible !
This parents have actually said they have seen more of my partner and his children these past 2yrs then the past 19yrs he was married to ExW !
It seems ExW just didn't like his parents and I been told her FIL hates her but MIL just was nice or tried to keep the peace !
This year when the ExW got the divorce she got in touch with her ILs and said do you know we are now divorced have you been told ! she basically said she still wanted to be friends with them and keep in touch with them basically trying to imply she still wants to be part of the family! as they are still the grandparents to her DC she also got I touch with the SIL to say more or less the same how she wants to still know how her Ex Niece and Nephew is she is still interested they actually thought it was very weird as they had never been close plus she has never had a good word to say about the niece either ?
Months went by and ExW messaged his parents and SIL saying I thought we was going to keep in touch they said to me it's all very bizarre as there relationship before there split was never like that at all and we are not going to start doing it now but if she messages we will be polite and answer .
What did bug me though was his Mum saying to me quote ' well I suppose she will always be my DIL ' I though this was very insensitive saying this too me ? as my partner is now divorced from her not only that all the hassle she causes even now doubt anyone would be calling her that! as my family would be calling her the pain in the arse Ex simple as that !
I was also thinking well what happens then or if me and my partner might decided to marry ? What will she be classed as the still the DIL. ?
I just find the situation with the ExW and my partners ILs all very bizarre!

[quote wellcomegoodbye]@Blueberries0112 it is so hard to maintain such a neutral relationship. I have never ever thought about the court case and using anything you say against you! How would you not reveal too much about your family life if your husband constantly updates them with every detail even what he has had for dinner? [/quote]
Yeah, that his choice . If he is telling your in-laws anything too personal , I would have a talk with him. But don't worry about him, he is considered a third party in court if it about you. They will help him get full custody so I am always careful what I say around them

@winterw - v odd set up you have got entangled with. Sounds v toxic.

Why did your BF not lead and encourage the RS of HIS children with HIS parents?

Why was this the sole responsibility of “the crazy xDiL?

Why do they say that they have seen their grandchildren the most in the past two years because of YOU - where are the actions of the children’s father?

Why does the FIL “hate his DiL” - the mother of his grandchildren?

Why have the grandchildren a negative opinion of their grandparents?

Seems that the FIL / MiL and SIL have strong negative opinions - however what does your BF think?

This has all the hallmarks of a toxic family - all the main players seem to be in character down to the “peace keeping MiL”.

I’m very close with my mil but I’m aware that if me and DH were to split then her allegiances of course are with DH and that we wouldn’t realistically be able to maintain our current closeness. I’d facilitate her seeing the kids as much as possible and send birthday cards etc but I’m aware that my DH would have future partners and it would be unfair and difficult to try to maintain our current closeness as I can imagine my lovely mil would feel very caught between everyone.
My DH has an older DC and my pil have continued a friendly relationship with her mum quite well but it’s very difficult for pil when they are drawn into arguments between DH and DSDs mum so I’d never want to put them in that position.

I think I put a bit too much effort in with my ILs than I should have, I regret not spending a bit more time with my own parents. But PIL enjoyed my DC when they were young and my parents didn’t, so 🤷‍♀️

When I split with XH, he left it to me to tell my by-then widowed FIL who was very sad indeed. I gradually reduced contact with FIL but send him birthday and Christmas cards. He sends me flowers 💐. Losing that close relationship with FIL is just about the only thing I regret, but it couldn’t continue once XH had a new partner - too confusing for the old man. Losing all the rest of his family though - brilliant!!!

So IME they don’t always cut you off. Partly it depends on the circumstances of the split - ours was mutual and amicable.

Just don’t be a martyr to them, or anyone else.

I have learnt the hard way to keep MIL at more than arms length because she proved during an earlier temporary break up with DH that she has zero loyalty to me and no true respect for me. So the feeling is now mutual.
Not having to see her again would actually be a massive bonus if we were ever to divorce.
FIL I like very much and respect. I put a lot of effort in, as does he. I enjoy spending time with him (and his new family) so I don't mind putting my energy in to a friendship there.

I always had a great relationship with my ex in laws, but I felt a huge betrayal when I found out that they knew all along about the hidden camera but ex h hid in my house (after we had split by the way) for a whole year, and when I confronted her about it all she did was make excuses for his behaviour and basically said it was warranted because he was hurt and angry by me leaving him. (I'd left him because I was at an all time low after years of being lied to and gaslighted and let down by him, and also found out that he had put a hidden camera in our house to watch me years before.

I'm very lucky in my Outlaws (ex-inlaws)

The marriage was always difficult and when we finally, thank God, split, it was cool and rather spiky for a while. She can be one hell of a steamroller and opens her mouth far too wide.

But we kept contact and they still help with their grandchildren and now the relationship is a little different, but warm again, 18 months on.

I'm under no illusions that grandma can't see any wrong that her son's done, but I've kept some things from her and don't expect her to side with me. But what we do have is real, I think, and if she needs help I'll be there for her, as she has been in the past for us when there was real need.

I loved my inlaws, and still adore my MIl even though the shell of her that's left doesn't know who I am.

I can't imagine how it would pan out if DH and I had split. They loved me too, and though I hope they'd put their son first (surely we should all do that?) I think splitting from them too would have been really hard.

I suppose that we could have easily ended up as the subject of one of those "My new partner's parents are still friends with his ex" threads!

@SeaEagleFeather that's a lovely post. I think my PILs and I would have been there for each other too.

My MIL's friend had problems seeing her grandkids after her son split from his wife. I remember MIL saying to me "If you and P ever split up, we would all still see each other wouldn't we? You wouldn't even keep the children away?" I was so sad that she even thought she needed to worry about that. I reassured her of course.

even=ever

I invested a lot of effort into my relationship with ils. When I got pregnant even more so.
When sil had a dc a year later they dumped me and ds..
Wish I hadn't bothered.
Funnily enough as adults they managed to rewrite history and have convinced ds they were great!!

I'm not going over old ground far too much water under the bridge -more like an ocean. What did I learn?

Don't trust them. The apple didn't fall far from the tree. He lied. They lie.
Never invest. Cards, birthday presents etc -would all be my DP's responsbility -I'll do my family -you do yours. Any if my DP's mother or anyone gave me a hard time for not remembering her birthday -she'd get an ear full. Not my monkey not my circus.
Pleasant but nope -not staying over or here -stay in the hotel nearby by all means. But if you are coming here -my DP is doing all the cooking and cleaning NOT me. This is my home -be a good guest or go home.

My in laws had a habit of calling in unannounced and banging on about shite for hours. I tolerated it when we split never saw them again. I'll never get involved with in laws again sadly