Any regrets with ex in laws/in laws relationship?

[wellcomegoodbye]

I just wanted to post about relationships with the in laws and not even sure if I'm on the right section on this thread while posting this.

So, I was speaking to a friend where she broke up from her ex husband a few years ago. The reason why she broke up was that her exh was cheating on her. She was telling me that she found out that her ex in laws actually knew about the ow and in fact even invited the ow to a family bbq thrown for her. Until recently, my friend was ensuring that she kept in contact with the ex in laws and still being a brilliant (ex)dil to them such as remembering their birthdays, ensuring her kids were seeing their grandparents and following up on their hospital appointments and of course when she found out she was very hurt by their betrayal. She was telling me to never trust in laws because no matter what happens, they will betray you and will never judge their darling son's wrongdoing and will never support you. She also said never give more than you think they deserve in terms of time, effort and respect and just do the bare minimum. I was shocked by this statement but it also got me thinking...

I've been married for 4 years myself and have not had any issues with my in laws so far but I have been very kind, generous and attentive towards them. I have been quite fair in terms of splitting my time with my parents and them as I have the first grandchild in both families.

My question is, have you ever been betrayed by your in laws and have you ever regretted the time and effort you have ever spent for them and if you have, what would you have done differently if you could take time back?

If you haven't been betrayed, how is your relationship with them? Do you apply my friends advice in general or do you continue with a normal relationship with them knowing that this could happen to you?

Of course people are different and this is no way a bashing thread as I'm going to be in law in the future myself (if dc grows up and settles down) so please don't get me wrong but I was just wondering if anyone has had any experience with betrayals like my friend and how would you have done/ managed the relationship differently?

XH and l split after over 20yrs and two DC. My inlaws were disgusted by the way he treated us as he had an OW. He wasn't happy that we were staying in contact and they told him that he made his choice i.e leaving me, and they are making theirs i.e keeping in contact with me.

We have stayed in contact and do meet up
XH is marrying the OW next year and l have told my MIL that if she doesn't want to lose her son, she needs to accept the situation.

I will never forget though that he is their son and even though they treat me extremely well and with great respect, blood is thicker than water

There your DH parents so loyalty will always be with him. I have been with my DH for 20yrs and whilst I get on with his parents I am fully aware if there are any fall outs it is my fault, if he forgets to send a card its my fault, anything wrong with the DC it comes from my side, my other half is terminally ill and his mother has been a nightmare, sees me as competition and when he was in hospital for months she ignored any messages I sent, would call the hospital despite me sending updates. Our relationship has never recovered from when my DH was in hospital and I know when he dies I wont see her again. Not because I wont let her see my DC because I am not an asshole but I wont be chasing for her and FIL to see them, but there is no way she would reach out to me.

Realistically we would all expect our own parents to be on our side after a break up. So it's silly to be offended when our in-laws automatically want to see their child's point of view.

I'm not sure why that assumption should affect how much we put into our relationship with them though. Why should we not be warm, open and friendly to them?
As I said earlier, I loved my inlaws and they loved me. But I never ever discussed my relationship with my late DH with them. I didn't criticise him or tell them about any differences of opinion we had. That wouldn't be fair on either party.

So I don't know how the relationship I had with them could have come back to bite me in any way. Quite the opposite I'd have thought. The better the relationship you build with PILs, the more likely it is that you can navigate the complexities of a split with their DH without extra stress.

She was telling me that she found out that her ex in laws actually knew about the ow and in fact even invited the ow to a family bbq thrown for her

Was this before your friend and her DH broke up, or after, @wellcomegoodbye?
If after I wouldn't see it as a betrayal at all. Their son had a new partner and they would have had a difficult decision to make as to where to go with that. They could hardly refuse to see her with him. Would you if it was your child, even if they had been unfaithful?

If they invited her before your friend knew her DH was being unfaithful, of course that would be entirely different.

@saraclara hi sorry if it wasn't clear. No they invited the ow when they were still married! Of course when the parties split, people move on and you will get new partners and even new step grandchildren in the scene but this was something they did and accepted whilst their son was still married to my friend unfortunately.

I instigated the split between DD's dad and me so there was a bit of frostiness from MIL for a while. Eventually she could see we weren't suited. Ex behaved like a complete arse when his dad died and completely alienated his family. I kept contact with them and even visited ex MIL in hospital for the last few weeks of her life. Ex didn't visit her at all.

[quote wellcomegoodbye]@saraclara hi sorry if it wasn't clear. No they invited the ow when they were still married! Of course when the parties split, people move on and you will get new partners and even new step grandchildren in the scene but this was something they did and accepted whilst their son was still married to my friend unfortunately. [/quote]
Ugh. That really would be gutting.

There's no excuse for that, but I wouldn't let that colour my attitude to relationships with PILs in general. I don't think there are many who would do that, especially if their DIL had built a warm relationship with them. I think your friend's PILs are outliers in that regard.

One day I might be a mil and I think even though my son is closer to me (btw he is 20 months lol) if he does something to split the family union up, I wouldn't protect him nor will I ever support him. I would still want to be close to my grandchildren's mother because at the end of the day, she was part of our family and also gave life to my grandchildren. Of course my son and my ex dil will move on which would change the dynamics but to me, she will still be part of my family. This of course depends on the relationship but if my dil has the same type of relationship as I do with my in laws such as caring and putting effort in, this is how I would feel anyway and feel as if it would be my duty especially as a grandmother to keep the relationship on good terms. Btw, not because I want access to the grandchildren but because she is family and is my grandchildren's mother.

I would also feel very embarrassed and angry at my son if he ever ruins his family especially if he has kids and won't forgive him for a long time. Of course people shouldn't be in unhappy marriages, but there's always a decent and civil way to end things appropriately without ruining your partners dignity.

Sorry still continuing..

If my son ever does end his marriage like my friends husband did or some of the experiences shared on this thread, this would also haunt me as I would think that I have failed as a parent myself. Plus, I wouldn't want my grandchildren to be affected in anyway or see their own mother go through such a horrendous thing, I will never support this. I've been brought up in a broken toxic family caused by my own grandmother and I can remember the times where my mum would secretly cry in the kitchen, any decent human who loves their grandchildren simply wouldn't support the side that causes this suffering.

@WindblowingSW

I'm not going over old ground far too much water under the bridge -more like an ocean. What did I learn?

Don't trust them. The apple didn't fall far from the tree. He lied. They lie.
Never invest. Cards, birthday presents etc -would all be my DP's responsbility -I'll do my family -you do yours. Any if my DP's mother or anyone gave me a hard time for not remembering her birthday -she'd get an ear full. Not my monkey not my circus.
Pleasant but nope -not staying over or here -stay in the hotel nearby by all means. But if you are coming here -my DP is doing all the cooking and cleaning NOT me. This is my home -be a good guest or go home.

This sounds harsh but it’s actually very realistic and good advice.

I think of in-laws more as colleagues than my family. So you get on with them as well as you can, while you have a joint interest. But as soon as you move onto another job you probably won’t see each other as you don’t have things in common. You might send the off text or Christmas card but that’s it.

No one wants to think that separation and divorce will happen to them. But we know that there’s a 1:3 or higher chance it will and it will be just like the OPs friend said. So don’t invest your time and energy in them . They are not your family and they will drop you like a hot potato the day your split up with your husband, if not sooner.

You don’t have to split your time equally with your own family. You need to spend as much time and energy with your in-laws as your husband does with his.

You need to spend as much time and energy with your in-laws as your husband does with his.

So you let your husband set the tone for IL relationships? Why does his behaviour have to dictate yours? And surely it depends on your inlaws?

I wouldn't expect my DH to spend as much time with my difficult mother as I chose to spend with his wonderful one. And I would have been cutting off my nose to spite my face if I'd spent less time with MIL as I'd expect him to spend with my DM.

@S00LA I totally do see the realistic side to @WindblowingSW 's advice/approach and I'm starting to see the bigger picture. The apple didn't fall far from the tree is so accurate.

Ex outlaws were horrible to me whilst I was married and worse still when I got divorced. I was always very polite and courteous to them and never said or did anything to upset or hurt them. They were really nasty to me and to my DC.
I have no contact with them and neither do my DC.

Current IL’s are lovely people and I try and maintain a good relationship with them.

I am conscious that they are not my family and the ties are by marriage. If DH and I were to part, I’d try and ensure IL’s continued to see DC & I’d maintain a cordial relationship with them. But I wouldn’t expect IL’s to take my side over their own DC’s if we parted.
But I don’t let that affect my current relationship with them. They are lovely people and have treated me and mine like family from the beginning and I reciprocate that.

But I’d never bad mouth DH to them or tell them anything overly personal.

It’s difficult to explain. We have a good relationship I think.

I wouldn’t expect them to kick their son out of the fold if we split up tho, or to shun future partners because DH once married me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Sssloou

@winterw - v odd set up you have got entangled with. Sounds v toxic.

Why did your BF not lead and encourage the RS of HIS children with HIS parents?

Why was this the sole responsibility of “the crazy xDiL?

I agree with these points.

IME a lot of men are lazy in keeping in touch with their own families...then their families conveniently blame the woman.

My kids are closer to my family than DHs. It's because he doesn't put the effort into it. If we were ever to split, I very much doubt they would see Uncles and Aunts in his side of the family.

My MIL has a habit of rewriting history to suit her narrative. My DH does the same. It drives him nuts when his Mum does it, so when I catch him out, I call him by his Mum’s name... “You’re doing a MIL again!”

@Sssloou My BF says he was at work all of the time he is a high earner has a very responsible job so the childcare came down to her so his DC while in her care never went to see the grandparents and they didn't feel welcome at his house he says it was a timing factor he was busy work wise so could not encourage a good relationship with his DC with his parents

I don't want to take all the credit but since I came on to the scene there has been much better improvement with regards contact with his DC and there GP think because my partner has found it easier with me as his GF and being able to go around there and getting along with his Parent's
The FIL hates her because he says she never worked in her life and she and her family have reaped all the benefits of there sons hard work he thinks she is lazy and taken the pee it seems she was always away on expensive holidays not with him but with either her mother or a friend very rarely with the DC the FIL calls her a parasite!
The negative opinion that the Grandchildren have of the GPS comes from the ExW and as they say why would they not believe what she says as she is there mother !

Yes they have negative opinions and my partner thinks the same as them he says he wish he never married her and calls her difficult.
As a whole I find the family ok in small doses I can see in some ways why the ExW didn't like the ExMil she can be a tad interfering. Also the ExMil and SIL are close so I get the feeling she felt a little left out as can be clicky where that sort of thing just goes over my head and don't bother me .

OP I just mean that with hindsight I'm not entirely sure her intentions were really to be a friendly ear at all.

If there is a split it's heartbreaking for everyone. When my brother split with his wife I was devastated and tried to stay friends with her and her family as we were so close but it just can't happen if it's not an amicable split. I had to listen to awful things about my brother which I took on the chin as he wasn't innocent in the break up but it was painful to hear such things. We drifted apart and I still feel sad about it even tho it was 10 years ago now!

When we divorced our oldest dc 7 was court agreed he didn't have to see his df due to violence.. Younger 2 did. Ils never even asked after him. They never contacted me at all once I moved out.. Dc still has therapy for his treatment from all his df's side.. Has caused a divide between my dc tbh.

My BF says he was at work all of the time he is a high earner has a very responsible job so the childcare came down to her so his DC while in her care never went to see the grandparents and they didn't feel welcome at his house he says it was a timing factor he was busy work wise so could not encourage a good relationship with his DC with his parents

This is simply an excuse. He can't have been at work all the time to the point he didn't or couldn't have visited his parents and taken the children with him, even if he is a high earner.

It seems it's just easier to blame his Ex. She may be a lot if things, but if his kids don't have a good relationship with their GPs....it's more likely because he himself isn't that close to them.

High earner or not, it's an excuse because he The Prime minister and

I've noticed how the wife/mother is expected to maintain and facilitate the relationship between the children and IL's, and the wife is also supposed to maintain a relationship with the IL's and remember to send card/gifts on all occasions to them.

It's never the man/dad having to schlep to less than welcoming IL's and be nice to his MIL whilst she makes thinly veiled barbed comments about his parenting and has cosy cliquey conversations withy her own DS deliberately excluding the SIL.

I do not go to my IL's on my own with my DC, if we visit we all go, DH could go on his own, I'm not bothered, he prefers us to visit as a family. They're not my family ties to go over and above to maintain, I'm not cutting them off but I'm not putting myself out for my IL's.

Although I would for MIL and I invite her and SIL around as much as I can, as my DC love them. But if they were unkind to me I'd make no effort whatsoever.

So winterw, if you weren't around to do the wifework, your P just wouldn't bother taking his DC to visit his parents then?
Be careful, if you have DC with your P you will be the one who is expected to do all the work, and if you break up, you will be the evil, gold digging, rude exDIL.

I think regardless of circumstance, family will always look out for their own, even when they are in the wrong.

Sadly karma came a calling when mil could no longer deny her ds was a violent bully - when he tried to punch her in the face on her own doorstep a decade after I left him..
Ils disowned him.
Was apparently OK he terrorised his dw and dc though.

All I can say is watch how they treat/talk about others. Once the shit hits the fan, that's how they'll be with you.

My ex MIL played the "look how much I contribute to the community" game but really she was a bitch. So to the outside world she's a pillar of the community, split up with her son and she turns into a cold-hearted, lying, snidy megacunt. She gives me the creeps with her evil side.

Needless to say, I'm looking for a man with a warm, kind mum. No Medusa mums.

I’m confused by the women who say that if they divorced, they would still ensure that their ex PIL still saw the children.

Why would they need to do that ? That’s the job for the children’s father on his contact time.

Surely it’s only if their husband died that it would be necessary for the woman to do that.