Any regrets with ex in laws/in laws relationship?

[wellcomegoodbye]

I just wanted to post about relationships with the in laws and not even sure if I'm on the right section on this thread while posting this.

So, I was speaking to a friend where she broke up from her ex husband a few years ago. The reason why she broke up was that her exh was cheating on her. She was telling me that she found out that her ex in laws actually knew about the ow and in fact even invited the ow to a family bbq thrown for her. Until recently, my friend was ensuring that she kept in contact with the ex in laws and still being a brilliant (ex)dil to them such as remembering their birthdays, ensuring her kids were seeing their grandparents and following up on their hospital appointments and of course when she found out she was very hurt by their betrayal. She was telling me to never trust in laws because no matter what happens, they will betray you and will never judge their darling son's wrongdoing and will never support you. She also said never give more than you think they deserve in terms of time, effort and respect and just do the bare minimum. I was shocked by this statement but it also got me thinking...

I've been married for 4 years myself and have not had any issues with my in laws so far but I have been very kind, generous and attentive towards them. I have been quite fair in terms of splitting my time with my parents and them as I have the first grandchild in both families.

My question is, have you ever been betrayed by your in laws and have you ever regretted the time and effort you have ever spent for them and if you have, what would you have done differently if you could take time back?

If you haven't been betrayed, how is your relationship with them? Do you apply my friends advice in general or do you continue with a normal relationship with them knowing that this could happen to you?

Of course people are different and this is no way a bashing thread as I'm going to be in law in the future myself (if dc grows up and settles down) so please don't get me wrong but I was just wondering if anyone has had any experience with betrayals like my friend and how would you have done/ managed the relationship differently?

My ex-PIL's have not been in touch for a year since we split up after his affair - I suspect he has not told him the truth.

If he drops dead tomorrow, I won't be facilitating any kind of relationship with them. Their loss.

It's never the man/dad having to schlep to less than welcoming IL's and be nice to his MIL

Of course it is. It's just that they don't post here.

My late husband would probably rather have been anywhere else when we visited my difficult mum. But he did the decent thing by me and our kids, and was polite, pleasant and sociable with her. And never whinged to me about going.

@winterw

Your BF is telling you who he is. He’s a man who puts money above his own wife, children and parents. He was too busy selfishly pursuing his own career to even go on holiday with his wife.

He isn’t even ashamed of how he acted and blames her.

This is how he will treat you too.

I realise that you may be attracted to his money. But money isn’t everything.

I've taken a step back from my pils.
All contact with the dgc would go through me as dp is pretty hopeless keeping in touch with them and often forgot to return calls etc so they started calling me and over the last 4/5 years we became close.
I have however realised that they take the p*ss and are manipulative.
They think the sun shines out of their sons arse and latest issue is that they were rude to other family members about me because I would not allow mil to look after my DC during lockdown ( we didn't need childcare!).
Good luck to them trying to arrange a visit from their dgc. I won't be answering the phone.
All the years I've facilitated a relationship and put up with their little manipulations while their own DS sits in the background on his throne.
Fuck that.
I'll be maintaining a polite distance.

I've decided they can

@saraclara

It's never the man/dad having to schlep to less than welcoming IL's and be nice to his MIL

Of course it is. It's just that they don't post here.

My late husband would probably rather have been anywhere else when we visited my difficult mum. But he did the decent thing by me and our kids, and was polite, pleasant and sociable with her. And never whinged to me about going.

I meant on his own.

It was in response to a PP saying her DP's previous partner didn't take the DC to the IL's and she admits that the MIL and SIL are cliquey and have conversations excluding her. And the DH was working loads but the lack of relationship with the DC was blamed on the EXW not the DH the father of the DC.

I doubt there are very many men who are expected to go alone to hostile in-laws with their DC, because the IL's deserve a relationship with the DC, despite being nasty to the father of the DC.

@S00LA

I’m confused by the women who say that if they divorced, they would still ensure that their ex PIL still saw the children.

Why would they need to do that ? That’s the job for the children’s father on his contact time.

Surely it’s only if their husband died that it would be necessary for the woman to do that.

From my personal point of view, if my MIL wanted to see DC on occasion during my time I'd be happy to accommodate that. She does love my DC, I'd also ensure to extend invites to school plays etc to her, but probably with DH's agreement.

That's if I were the RP. If it were fifty:fifty (or if DH were RP), it would completely be down to DH to facilitate contact with his mum and dad during his time with our DC.

I'd hope to remain civil with my IL's though, and be able to remain in contact with them to talk about the DC if the need ever arose. But that's because I like them.

@S00LA

winterw

Your BF is telling you who he is. He’s a man who puts money above his own wife, children and parents. He was too busy selfishly pursuing his own career to even go on holiday with his wife.

I couldn't agree more.

Nobody is too busy to facilitate a relationship between their DC and GPs. What he's effectively saying, is that he himself did not have time to see them with any kind of regularity, otherwise he would have taken the DC with him. Or he simply couldn't be bothered and prefers to blame his Ex.

Its just amazing how future partners buy into the story.

Simply put...if you want your children to have a relationship with your parents, then it's your responsibility to put the effort it.

"Why would they need to do that ? That’s the job for the children’s father on his contact time. " because sometimes that father's time can be short and maybe he want to spend time with his kids since he doesn't get to see them everyday. Personally, I think Grandparents should stay in contact with her grandkids and communicate with either parents if she would like to take them out somewhere in her own time (not the father's time)

My nephew was not able to spend time his father during Father's Time. My nephew's father always dropped my nephew to his mother because his mother wanted to see him a lot. It was the only time she got to see him. If my sister just worked it out with her exMIL, she could set up an arrangement for her and my nephew. But my sister was like "not my problem"

When I divorced I also divorced my laws. Have nothing to do with them and couldn't be happier in that regard.

My ex mother in law is lovely, shes the closest ‘thing’ I have to a parent, she’ll always be my sons Grandma. We don’t spend huge amounts of time together as she isn’t local, but we would usually visit around once a month and stay over. We tend to go on a holiday together in the UK once a year.

@Blueberries0112

My nephew was not able to spend time his father during Father's Time. My nephew's father always dropped my nephew to his mother because his mother wanted to see him a lot. It was the only time she got to see him. If my sister just worked it out with her exMIL, she could set up an arrangement for her and my nephew. But my sister was like "not my problem"

Why doesn’t his dad also spend time with his son and mother, or spend time with his son and occasionally take him to his mother. Surely the father should prioritise his time with his child, that’s more important than his mother having time with her grandchild.

Sounds like he can’t be bothered with his son but it’s a good way to demonise the mother.

Mine have been lovely but I'm under no illusions, the minute their one and only is unhappy, my days will be well and truly numbered.

@winterw - so does your BF not work anymore as he now has the time to take HIS own DCs to see his own DPs? What did he do with his DCs in the 2 years since he has been separated? Did he have access or care for them then? Or did he not have enough time (seems he has found enough time to date though)

Do you have your own DC? Are you younger than your DP?

Your FIL is a judgemental misogynistic pig.

Know that.

I’m confused by the women who say that if they divorced, they would still ensure that their ex PIL still saw the children.

*Why would they need to do that ? That’s the job for the children’s father on his contact time.
*

I’m more confused by the women who seem to divide family relationships according to who has the children and when. The children’s grandparents on their dad’s side don’t stop being their grandparents just because it isn’t their father’s contact time, and if they and the children have a positive relationship why shouldn’t the ex partner facilitate a relationship with them?

My ex ILs are in fact lovely people. For the first couple of years after me and eXH split I took a step back because I didn’t expect anything of them. Then one day they wanted DS to spend a weekend there and the best way to do that was for me to drop him off on my way to my own parents. So we chatted, met up at a railway station in the middle of my journey, had a coffee together, and since then I have only ever had positive communication with them.

I am the RP and once MIL said that she was so grateful that I had never stopped her from seeing DS as I so easily could have. But why would I? Who exactly would that have benefited?

We chat regularly, she rings DS on his own mobile and will ring me on mine for a chat. We exchange Christmas and birthday presents, and last year when I was in hospital they travelled specifically to visit me.

I have never talked about my divorce from eXH to them and they have never brought it up. He is their son and has his own relationship with them, I am not a part of that, but being divorced from him doesn’t mean I shouldn’t retain a relationship with them. They’re still decent and lovely people even if we aren’t related by marriage any more. If I’d never married eXH I probably would still have thought they were lovely people. Divorce hasn’t changed that for me.

He does spend time with his mom. Just that my nephew love his grandma very much

@AlternativePerspective that's really nice to read.

My brother's ex-wife still has a good relationship with my family. We as a family were under no illusions when it came to DB and knew he was to blame for the split. It was honestly a miracle she put up with him as long as she did. They have one daughter. My dad visits regularly to see his grand-daughter and my children (born after the divorce) refer to ex-SIL as their Auntie, she often babysits for them. She went on to have another child with a now ex DP and my parents treat that child as if she is another grandchild.

Ex SIL is the mother of my much loved niece. Even if I didn't like her I couldn't imagine just not speaking to her at all. I do find it a bit bizarre when people cut in-laws out of their lives when there are children involved.

I do find it a bit bizarre when people cut in-laws out of their lives when there are children involved

But it can be done. Why would I facilitate a relationship when my exH has my DD half the time? It's a bit different if there's more of a "main" parent as I see it with my DSC. But when it's 50/50 you can have absolutely no ties and it doesn't affect the children at all.

@Sssloou

Since his Separation / Divorce he has seemed to put all his attention on the DC they are older Teenagers btw so contact is when they want to see him which is quite regular.
He has admitted he didn't seem to have much time for them or make efforts like he should have when he was in the marriage so he seems to be trying to make up for loss time now by us either going to see GP with DC the relationship is getting better as they seem to be getting more used to each other and I can see GP have missed out a lot with them as they do seem to have affection towards them even though that's not forth coming from the DGC you can see they hate it just going over to see them
I do have a DC of my own she is over 18 don't live with me she has a very close relationship with her GP from either side we was never married btw his own dad made efforts with that and I never got involved in his family but if I ever saw them there was never any bad feeling we would have a good chat when we saw each other as they has know me for years my DD lost her untie and her Nan in the same year so there is only her cousin and dad left in that side of her family
As for my relationship now with my DP I'm getting hints that his DM could be a tad interfering as she likes to voice her opinion but my DP seems to want to involve them in a lot of things now don't know if this is because of past history of not seeing them much.

Why would I facilitate a relationship when my exH has my DD half the time?

Well, why wouldn’t you? Obviously if you all and the ILs live in the same place then it stands to reason that the DSC would probably see them when they’re with their dad, but even then there are variables e.g. if it’s one of the grandparents’ birthday for instance, would you say no to the DC seeing them on their birthday because it’s not their dad’s time?

If the ILs didn’t live locally would you refuse to allow the DC to see them if they came up at a time which wasn’t your eXH’s time with them?

How many dads facilitate contact with the mums family during their contact time ? I don’t know any. Most of them can barely organise to see their own parents, let alone their ex in laws.

@AlternativePerspective neither of our parents live locally. When they come and stay for prolonged periods of time we just arrange our days accordingly. I have no dealings with my ex in laws. At most we might arrange a phone call for their birthdays but that's it (again neither set live locally, so that's how it is for us).

@S00LA

I’m confused by the women who say that if they divorced, they would still ensure that their ex PIL still saw the children.

Why would they need to do that ? That’s the job for the children’s father on his contact time.

Surely it’s only if their husband died that it would be necessary for the woman to do that.

because if the man isnt doing it,and they often don't, then the kids would be missing out on the grandparents.

It's all very well to look at the principle that men should do this work, but I'm not willing to sacrifice a loving and caring relationship between kids and the ex-ILs just because Ex ought to be doing it and isn't.

Family matters. Sometimes you have to step away because there's abuse, or the relationship is so weak or one-sided that you drift away, but where there's love it's silly not to keep the relationship going.