He's called it off. I'm gutted. How do I make this easier?

[IgorThalia]

Been seeing someone for a few months. Very lovely. Only last week we were making plans for post lockdown/Christmas etc. I've introduced him to my toddler, and we've been away for a couple of weekends together. We both have our baggage, but his has become too stressful that he just doesn't want a relationship, with anyone. I believe him and I was graceful when he told me he didn't want to continue.

Not so graceful once I got to the car. Lots of tears. Catastrophising. Don't know how I will ever find anyone as lovely as him who is as accepting of me and my toddler as he was. I'm really going to miss him.

He's the first sight of a relationship I've had since I left my abusive ex partner. I just feel horrible. It came so out of the blue.

Don't know what to do. I feel so, so shit.

He's found someone he likes better. Not worth your tears.

@hailtomyteeth he really hasn't.

He might not have. But they usually do. 'No man leaves for an empty bed'.

@hailtomyteeth that's nonsense. Men and women end relationships for all kinds of reasons. He hasn't met anyone else.

So sorry to hear this op. Everything is going to be ok, he just wasn’t the one for you.

@Hailtomyteeth

He's found someone he likes better. Not worth your tears.

Fucking hell. What a harsh, unnecessary and massive assumption. And probably totally inaccurate.

Op, I guess this is one of those situations that are unavoidable, sadly. It's horrible but at least you weren't 5 years in to it. He's been honest with you now. And in 5 years time from now you'll look back and think, who? Oh that you!

Talk to your real life friends, get that support. Good luck.

*oh that guy

I swear so many things in my life have gone to shit, and now I'm stuck at home with my toddler trying to get over a breakup and can't even go and see my friends. I'm so fucking lonely.

Yep it's ridiculous to just jump to the assumption that every man who has ever left a women did so because they found someone better.

It feels horrible now as you are in the epicentre of what's happening. But we all know that time heals. He is not the first. He's not the last. No one is irreplaceable, accept children or parents. There are other nice guys in the world.

"No man leaves for an empty bed" what a load of bullshit.
I have many male friends, some married, some single and I've seen them leave relationships and be alone for a considerable time afterwards. Not all men are weak and unable to be alone.

*except

@Hailtomyteeth

He's found someone he likes better. Not worth your tears.

Whoa. Could it be that he’s simply telling the truth? Are you projecting your own unfortunate experience or delighting in being harsh? @IgorThalia is asking for support about how to handle things not asking for wild speculation about why it’s happened!

As above, try and see friends and put things in the diary and keep up a bit of momentum (tricky right now). Try not to take it too personally; it sounds like the timing isn’t right for him, sad for you but probably better he owns up to it.

It’s crappy but be glad of time you had together. If he’s in a bad places put the boundaries in place so you don’t become the sounding board yet get none of the other parts of the relationships.

I just feel so shit. I'm so tired of constantly trying to change things and make them work when I'm constantly hit with a brick wall. Every good thing I try and do ends up hurting me.

I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusions that a PP did, but something doesn't add up here. Baggage or no baggage, people don't tend to end relationships that are going well out of the blue for no reason. Whatever his background, presumably his issues were already there when he met you? So why wouldn't he want you there as a support to help him through a difficult time, instead of being on his own struggling with it?

Also, not the point of your thread, but if you've only known him for a few months, this is something to think about in future before introducing your child to any new partners. This man hasn't turned out to be who you thought he was; your expectations of what the future was going to look like have changed in an instant. It's worth being really sure of where you stand with someone before introducing them to your child, particularly as they get older and are more aware, so that they don't get hurt as well as you.

Read this many years ago now but it's still good breakup advice for your type of breakup. Third letter down.
www.salon.com/1998/07/29/nc_28keil/

The upside to things for you is that it was still relatively new. You can get over this. Better now than actually over Christmas. And don't imagine there aren't any more nice guys out there. There are.

All I want to do is surround myself with people, find a new hobby, go to the cinema, join a club etc but I can't because of lockdown. I just feel so lonely and isolated and alone with my thoughts. I'm scared to even try anything new in case it goes wrong. The reality is that I'm a but pathetic, completely lonely, need counselling to even get through the week, am medicated up to my eyeballs, and generally feel like a completely shit person.

I agree with @rottiemum88. It seems very odd that last week you were planning a future and this week it's over. Was it you planning the future and he got cold feet?

It does feel a bit instafamily - way too soon to be introducing him to your toddler.

I'm sorry he hasn't turned out to be who you thought he was but I guess better to find out sooner rather than later before your lives became enmeshed.

Love that advice
@ScouseQueen

It's a bit quick with your toddler OP I get it though, it hurts more when theyve met your children.
It hurts like fuck today, but itll get better OP. You sound like you've had a rough ride and survived already. You know you can do this.
Are you crafty or into creative stuff? Something to keep you focused and achieve when your toddler is in bed?

Sending hugs and 💐. You've lost the man you thought you had a future with but you still have your toddler. Focus on them, get out and about to the park or feed the ducks. Life can be cruel. I've split with my partner this week too, its so tough but try and look at what you have. I hope thing get better for you.

I’m another one saying it sounds like you were lonely and have totally jumped the gun, particularly with a young child involved.

You need to slow down - I get you’re lonely, but you really get to know someone properly before bringing in the stress of introducing him to your kids, planning futures etc... I can’t see how you could possibly really know someone well enough to take the steps you have within a few months.

If you don’t learn to slow down and evaluate relationships with both your head and your heart, I can see that history is likely to repeat itself.

@Hailtomyteeth

He's found someone he likes better. Not worth your tears.

Are you trying to male her feel shit!

OP I’m sorry you’re so upset. I would honestly see this as confirmation that not all men are bastards.

You’re on the BEGINNING of a journey

Each relationship you have now that you’re out of the abusive one is a lesson. It’s not The One. You’re not ready for The One yet.

What you’ve learned with this man is to trust again

What he’s shown you is that if a relationship isn’t right, for any reason, for either side, it’s not right and it’s ok to end it.

You will need to learn to do this too

Like you will need to decide what are deal breakers and what are not.

Please don’t lose faith.

Of course you’re sad, a sad thing has happened, but this was the lesson you were supposed to learn, if you hang onto that one, you won’t get to the next.

Trust me, your time will come. Keep on keeping on