He's called it off. I'm gutted. How do I make this easier?

[IgorThalia]

Been seeing someone for a few months. Very lovely. Only last week we were making plans for post lockdown/Christmas etc. I've introduced him to my toddler, and we've been away for a couple of weekends together. We both have our baggage, but his has become too stressful that he just doesn't want a relationship, with anyone. I believe him and I was graceful when he told me he didn't want to continue.

Not so graceful once I got to the car. Lots of tears. Catastrophising. Don't know how I will ever find anyone as lovely as him who is as accepting of me and my toddler as he was. I'm really going to miss him.

He's the first sight of a relationship I've had since I left my abusive ex partner. I just feel horrible. It came so out of the blue.

Don't know what to do. I feel so, so shit.

I like that advice in the Salon article - 90 days of self-care fueled by anger.

What Piwlyfbicsly said.

This.

I'm so sorry this has happened near to Christmas, and with the current restrictions on social mixing, terrible timing. Is there anything you didn't like about him? I would focus on the negative points of his character if possible, he might have been out to impress, and was on his best behaviour. some people do not think a relationship is necessary in their lives, and move on quickly, but for those of us with a working heart it is so hard to move on when the OH has been a charmer. Sending best wishes, I hope the New Year brings you better luck.

That's really lovely @MzHz ❤️

You say you are medicated up to the eyeballs and have to have therapy to get through the week. I just think it might be a good idea to try and work on yourself to get yourself right and in a good place before entering any relationship. He may have picked up on your challenges and with his apparent challenges couldn't take both on? Thankfully just a few months in to the relationship so at least he was truthful to you and did not ghost you, which would have been a million times worse. Take it slowly next time and only introduce your toddler when you know its going to be long term and that could mean up to a year together before you get them to meet.

@ScouseQueen That's excellent!

I wish I'd read that when younger as I wasted far too many tears over wankers who weren't worth it.

Some of those things you want to do you can still do
Hobbies - can trying knitting, yoga, learning an instrument online. Lots of on line courses available

Try self care every day - something nice for yourself

Write down your feelings.

Also try a separate gratitude journal.
Talk to friends

Breakups are hard. Be proud of the grace you showed in front of him. That takes a strong person

You will get through this. It will take time. Best wishes

@Hailtomyteeth

He might not have. But they usually do. 'No man leaves for an empty bed'.

Not the men you know clearly. There's different types of men

Take solace in the fact he was honest with you - he didn't ghost you or cheat on you or start behaving so badly that you were forced to dump him. He sounds like a decent bloke, but, for whatever reason, the relationship wasn't right. If you've found one decent bloke, you will find others and we won't always be in lockdown.

He sounds a bit flakey and unreliable. I’m sorry you’ve had your heart broken OP

Aw I am sorry this has happened, it can feel much worse than the breakup of a LTR as that was dead in the water and this was full of hope for the future. One of 2 things will happen, either he will come back if things change for him, or he won't and you will in time meet someone else and feel better. So one way or the other you will be fine, it's just absolutely shit at the moment. Have you got family or friends you could arrange to visit in a few weeks time so at least you have something to look forward to? Or phone someone who will make you feel better? Really sorry this has happened and you are feeling so low.

@IgorThalia

All I want to do is surround myself with people, find a new hobby, go to the cinema, join a club etc but I can't because of lockdown. I just feel so lonely and isolated and alone with my thoughts. I'm scared to even try anything new in case it goes wrong. The reality is that I'm a but pathetic, completely lonely, need counselling to even get through the week, am medicated up to my eyeballs, and generally feel like a completely shit person.

Have you heard of Zoom choirs? Worth a thought. I'm sure your toddler might want to join in! There might be language classes that are running like that too.

Have you read about avoidant attachment styles, OP? People with them tend to run when things are going well.

and to add - better that it happens now rather than later down the line when you're even more invested.

OP did something in particular happen to make him end things? He must know he has hurt you surely ?

If he really has too much baggage, you're probably well out of it.
But if you've only known him for a few months - especially given current constraints - it does all seem a bit too fast and too soon.
You were lonely and you got a bit carried away; he's probably nowhere near as perfect as you've built him up in your imagination.

A few months into a relationship is too soon to meet the toddler.

A few months is subjective, because it could be anything from two to eleven months. Besides which, it’s not uncommon for a relationship to fundamentally change after you’ve each met the kids, and any relationship can end at any time.

While I think that introducing the kids straightaway is never a good idea, I’m don’t agree with this rigid thinking that it should be a year at least as some people insist. IMO a relationship can in fact be too established as a one-one relationship in a year, and the introduction of children will change all that significantly.

I don’t agree that he needs criticising though just because he has decided that a relationship is not for him. We all say on here that anyone is entitled to end a relationship at any time, and it doesn’t make him a bad person for doing so.

If he has significant baggage, is it possible he’s been compartmentalising? Something which will have been easy to do during lockdown because relationship time is limited, and it’s not yet a reality. Now the end of lockdown may be approaching and he suddenly feels the pressure of having to manage a more real relationship and whatever else it is he has going on at the same time, and he just can’t do it.

It hurts now, but at least he’s had the decency to end things rather than just disappearing. That would be so much worse. You can put him to rest rather than always wondering if he’s going to come back.

Oh and ignore those posters who delight in insisting that he’s moved on to someone else etc. If posters think that all men are just waiting for the next one to come along, I assume that they are bitter towards all men and are probably single as a result....

I’m so sorry for you OP. I’ve been where you are.

I read here once, ‘time moves slowly for the broken hearted’ - it’s true. It’s particularly hard at the moment. Cope as best as you can just get through the days. The sun will come out for you and one day you will be advising someone on here with the compassion that comes from your own life experience.

It’s amazing the amount of women I know who handled their marriage breakdown ok, but the end of a subsequent casual relationship really knocked them over. Me included!

It’s a loss of hope, OP. Not the loss of this specific man. There is nothing wrong with you, you are not ‘doomed’ to be alone. I promise you, you’ll barely remember his name in 3 months’ time.

Keep posting if you are lonely - we are here to hold your hand.

There was a thread on here some time ago about women who have been dumped out of the blue and the classic ‘revenge’ moments - by revenge, I mean when the man next saw them they looked/felt incredible (one was in a Tesco carpark looking hot,getting out of her new hot boyfriend’s hot car). Another involved riding past him on a horse .

When you are over the shock, do the 90 days is self improvement fuelled with anger..... it works to make you feel better

Definitely the loss of hope. The pain is unbearable when you have taken the risk to show vulnerabilty when you’ve been hurt before.

Sorry so many typos

I think it's totally natural to feel like shit when this happens. We've all been there! I vote you endulge in the tears and then QUICKLY pick yourself up again. I think the thing that could be damaging for your child is to see and feel that you are upset. The most important thing at the moment is that your toddler is okay and happy.

@IgorThalia

All I want to do is surround myself with people, find a new hobby, go to the cinema, join a club etc but I can't because of lockdown. I just feel so lonely and isolated and alone with my thoughts. I'm scared to even try anything new in case it goes wrong. The reality is that I'm a but pathetic, completely lonely, need counselling to even get through the week, am medicated up to my eyeballs, and generally feel like a completely shit person.

Sorry op. I know you feel terrible right now but I think this was a blessing in disguise. It doesn’t sound like you’re in the best place to be starting a serious relationship. It sounds like you both got caught up in a whirlwind and now reality is hitting him. He wasn’t the man for you. I understand it’s hard with lockdown, but try and do things to take your focus off it. Go for walk, find a decent show to get into, find a hobby to start at home. Is there anyone you can meet for a social distanced walk? If you have Facebook there are quite a lot of local support groups on there.

Most importantly, remember that even though it feels really shit right now, it won’t always feel like this. It will get better.

Hey OP, I’m in a similar position except we both kind of ended it. I’ve been stuck in a cycle of on-off for a few weeks but it culminated a couple of days ago.

Some ideas to help:

• Make a document of ALL the things that annoyed you about him. Even small things. Give him clay feet. Remind yourself of the things that irritated you & savour the peace.

• Find your anger. How dare he leave you when you were making Christmas plans!

• Surround yourself with people in other ways: phone calls, emails, Messenger, WhatsApp. Keep yourself busy. Fill your day with calls & texts so you don’t feel lonely or isolated.

• Rekindle old friendships. Check in with siblings. Speak to your neighbours. All those people around you. Maybe you were too busy with him to notice them before.

• You can still meet one other person outdoors. Can you find another friend & go for walks? I’ve picked one uber positive friend and she even texts me little pick-me-ups through the day & introduced me to 2 of her friends (all strong women). I also have 1 wide, older, male friend and we’ve agreed to form a bubble so hang out in each other’s company, cook together, etc.

• Books and films. Plenty of Netflix. Find recommendations on here, there are a couple if threads about uplifting films. Talk to friends above about them.

• I set my Instagram to sending me philosophical quotes about breakdowns so I don’t see too much misery and read positive things

• Zoom and online courses

• Identify the times of day that are worst & post on here. We will hold your hand!

• You need to get out of calling yourself “pathetic, completely lonely”. So you are having counselling and meds? This is a STRENGTH. You are working on you! Think how stronger you will be in your next relationship! And even before you get there, you will be able to cut through other people’s bullshit! Think if it as strengthening yourself and building up armour. Keep a journal if you can.

This is long, but you are not alone!