Is he having his cake & eating it ?

[beansbaked]

Thank you for clicking on my post .I'll get straight to the problem .My dp and I have been living together 2years .Blending families didn't come without teething problem ,but settled down now .He has now announced he wants to still have a relationship with me ,but move out into his own place .Part of me is ok & the other part feels he's being a cf.Can someone please shred some light on my side thoughts .Thank you

Sounds ideal to me. I like having my space and freedom.

Did he discuss this new job before applying for it?

Also kind of curious what the job is.

So, i know you love him but this man is looking for a new life. New job, new home, less commitment. Of course he wants to keep you in the background so he can scuttle back to you if the grass isnt greener, you are his plan b for the future.
Please respect yourself and tell him to go on. Just dont let him have the benefits of a live in partner
Don't clean, cook or pay for him. Don't let him pop by on a whim, with a key. If he has his private home, you do too. If you continue to date him, stay at his mostly and let him take you out and spoil you properly. Dont allow him his bachelor pad AND the family home.

@beansbaked...."where do I go from here?"....the 100 million dollar question. This is where the pain is as he has now sneakily put the future of how this relationship moves forward in your hands, which quite frankly is appalling. He absolutely 100% knows exactly what he is doing and how this will affect your relationship. He simply doesn't have the balls to say, "I have had a wonderful few years but I want to live a different life alone. I know this is going to hurt you but I have decided to move away and start afresh. I am sorry this is not what you want and I never intended to hurt you like this."....or words to that effect.....blah blah....You could take a deep breath and give the new life a go but I think deep down you know this is an exit plan not a future strategy plan. The best thing to do (looking as an outsider) would be to do a complete 180...help pack his bags, wish him all the best and please can I have the front door key back. It will hurt you like buggery for some time but it will be his time for a short, sharp shock. You can grieve and move on and he can hole himself up in his Batchelor pad and enjoy microwave meals and a bottle of beer each night. Do not let him back in to your life ( he will be back in touch) until he is over his crisis or he comes to his senses pretty quick. You then call the shots.

Sorry, He’s just not that into you.

If you want to save this relationship you need to shock him into realising that he is going to lose a good thing by doing this. I would act super confident like I didn’t need him and he will realise he may have something to lose here.

Hard to explain but I had a similar situation. He moved out and I realised he was having the best of both worlds and it didn’t make me feel loved. I got into a good place mentally, made my life shit hot (Wasn’t easy but I faked it until I made it). He was shocked at how this had backfired on him - he thought he was having the cake and easing it.

I still loved him and we got on brilliantly. - just my love for myself /self esteem had grown.

He then asked me to get married and move together to a new place. But by then I realised I deserved better and this kind of strategic positioning
from me shouldn’t be necessary if someone loves you.

I have no regrets and I feel good about it. He’d still take me back any day (we get on well and I remain close to step DCs) but he really showed his true selfish self when he decided to move out. It will always be a hard no from me to get back together.

I would love a set up like he’s proposing too but that is irrelevant, the point is you don’t. If he’s saying it’s up to you if you want to carry on the relationship, I would say to him that you want the full living together commitment type of relationship and that’s not going to work for you but you wish him well. You deserve to be happy.

I would not say he’s been using you but the job thing is a bullshit excuse. Unless he’s joining the military or the clergy he doesn’t need to live on his own to do it nor does he need to live closer, thirty mins is a normal commute. People don’t go live on their own because they have a new job thirty mins away.

I wouldn’t say he was using you because I would assume the relationship was good and he was happy. Past tense. But now he no longer wishes to be living with you so it’s run it’s course and he’s using the job as a reason to get out.

So now he has no need for a child friendly home, & deal with DC on the w/e etc.
He is moving to do his dream job, 30 mins away, (Wow big deal)
& can just move on (or "out "in this case), into his child free dream life.
You are just an accessory, & maybe if he has time to spare on the w/e he will get you to drive over to basically shag.
Its like putting an an old comfortable jumper to the back of the cupboard to use when he's gardening, & getting new expensive gear for his working week

He may be acting like you are an old comfortable jumper.... but, OP, you are the finest cashmere and silk - you are a prize. Act like the high value knit you are and he’ll will be proudly wearing you every day

What do you do now? Help him pack and wave a cheery bye-bye.
As difficult as it is, let him go. Very easy for me to say, sat behind anonymous keyboard. I am not in love with a man who seems to have accepted the possible end of the relationship so easily.
Just don't be too available!! He can cook his own meals, do his own shopping and clean his new house. That is what it means, moving out.
I hope it all works out well for you Op. Maybe you will start dating each other again or enjoy weekends at his(see @Dontbeme above)