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Original poster

Is he having his cake & eating it ?

85 replies

beansbaked · 13/11/2020 12:28

Thank you for clicking on my post .I'll get straight to the problem .My dp and I have been living together 2years .Blending families didn't come without teething problem ,but settled down now .He has now announced he wants to still have a relationship with me ,but move out into his own place .Part of me is ok & the other part feels he's being a cf.Can someone please shred some light on my side thoughts .Thank you

OP posts:
onlyk · 13/11/2020 15:08

Agree with the above. He doesn’t need free childcare anymore, probably finds your kids an annoyance, wants his own space.

You no longer fit in with his needs and wants but probably doesn’t want to dump you yet til he finds a replacement.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 13/11/2020 15:09

Agree it’s really important to focus on what you want, rather than trying to understand him.

Original poster
beansbaked · 13/11/2020 15:10

Maybe I'm blinded by it all .You might be right , but we've spoken about this in the past & then lock down happened .We get on great as a couple .Happy with each other's company .It's just I need to approach him later about how this has made me feel & where to go from here .

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/11/2020 15:10

He’s been “living together Material” for two years.

Op, you know no one moves out if they are happy. He doesn’t wish to live with you or be with you full time any more and at best reduce it to a couple of times a week.

He will fizzle it out, I’m sorry, he’s just doing it gently, he will start well then start making himself unavailable. He’s just not got the balls to tell you.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2020 15:16

Thinking about it, has his behaviour changed? Is there a chance he’s met someone else?

Original poster
beansbaked · 13/11/2020 15:16

He says he still wants me & the relationship, but it's up to me if I want to carry it on when he moves out .

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/11/2020 15:17

@beansbaked

He says he still wants me & the relationship, but it's up to me if I want to carry it on when he moves out .
Yeah, ok, so it’s as we guessed, he doesn’t have the balls to say it. He’s making you do it.

I would assume he’s met someone else op and wants to be free to explore a relationship with them.

BeaMends · 13/11/2020 15:18

@beansbaked

I suppose what I'm trying to converse is have I got anything to loose if I agree to this set up ? I hear couples do live apart & it works .It's just I have a niggle in the back of my head that's saying ,but he's not showing me commitment .
What have you got to lose?

How much does he financially contribute to the household bills?

How much in the way of general chores, shopping, cooking, laundry does he do?

How much will you miss his presence if he's not living there any more?

User74575762 · 13/11/2020 15:25

Bollocks to this.
A few weeks ago I was sleeping on the sofa for a few nights because there were mice in the attic (gone now !) and my OH clearly missed me EVEN THOUGH WE WERE IN THE SAME HOUSE 24/7.
So I would say if he's moving out there could well be an aspect of "He's just not that into you" and surely it would be better to find someone who, yanknow.... Is?

wishywashywoowoo70 · 13/11/2020 15:28

Yes moving out after you've lived together 2 years? That's taking a massive step backwards. Most people would be thinking about a greater commitment now. I'd bin him off he doesn't want to be with you.

Original poster
beansbaked · 13/11/2020 15:33

Just took a big sigh out .It's hard to read , but you're all saying the same thing .so really hard not to listen .The job he's taking on is his dream job which will take him away partly from me anyway .So you could say there's someone else , but it's a thing rather then a person .

OP posts:
wantmorenow · 13/11/2020 15:33

Would suit me merrrily. Wouldn't have to compromise on my home, my rules etc. Kids get more attention and I get to stay at his house as guest and be spoiled. More than one way to have a relationship. I love my DP but would hate to live with his kids so can get it. Not necessarily a reaction on you.

Dontbeme · 13/11/2020 15:35

He is a coward OP and is easing himself into a new life but wants to keep you in the background in case it doesn't work out. I am sorry, you deserve so much better than what he's offering.

TwentyViginti · 13/11/2020 15:44

Yes he's going to use you as backup woman. Now his kids don't need him so much, he's off to pastures new.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2020 15:49

What do you mean? It’s a thirty min commute, perfectly normal. It’s nothing.

Original poster
beansbaked · 13/11/2020 15:52

I know I deserve better .I'm so confused by the situation.

OP posts:
VKBlue · 13/11/2020 15:55

Personally that type of relationship would suit me down to the ground. However may be difficult to accept after living together for 2 years. Not everyone wants that intense living together bit as let’s face it, much of the time is spent ignoring each other whilst on phones! However I guess it’s not for everyone. You need to decide what YOU want, not agree with what he wants unless it’s really what you want too. Going backwards is unusual though and often the sign of a looming split.

anonnnnni · 13/11/2020 15:56

I think some of these responses are a bit off the mark. I lived with someone for 18 months (we moved in together far too quickly) and the living situation just wasn’t making me happy for a few reasons: long commute, not many mates near by.

I suggested I moved out to my then-boyfriend so I could be closer to work. He blew a gasket saying it was a step back in our relationship. So much so that I didn’t move out and we ended up splitting anyway further down the tracks! The resentment I felt at our living arrangement definitely played its part in that happening. I think/know I would have been happier in my own space without having a live-in relationship. Perhaps I was trying to distance myself and that could be what your partner is doing. However, back then I just wanted to be in a better and more sociable living environment. I viewed it as a way to enhance the relationship by going back to dating and having fun instead of domestic drudgery.

So in short, him moving out could give your relationship a boost providing it’s something you’re both happy with. Also pretty important that this doesn’t screw you over financially.

I would listen carefully to his reasons for wanting to do so and see if that’s something you can support. Otherwise, you may need to call him out on eating cake...

S00LA · 13/11/2020 16:05

I would be quite happy not living with a man and just dating ( pre Covid of course ). But I don’t think that’s what he is proposing.

I think the OP is confused by the discrepancy between his words and his actions. His actions say he’s dumping her. His words say he doesn’t mind still seeing her when he’s got a spare moment.

Which she hears as “ yes I still want to be your partner”. And everyone in this thread hears as “ yes I want to keep you as back up as you still have some uses for me “.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2020 16:13

I lived with someone for 18 months (we moved in together far too quickly) and the living situation just wasn’t making me happy for a few reasons: long commute, not many mates near by

I think it’s a given he’s moving out because he’s not happy, but he doesn’t have a long commute and they didn’t move in quickly, they’d been together three years.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2020 16:16

Which she hears as “ yes I still want to be your partner”. And everyone in this thread hears as “ yes I want to keep you as back up as you still have some uses for me

Agree, what we are hearing is, I’m moving out, I’ll see you occasionally, if you want to end it crack on but I’m out.

What the op is hearing is I love you desperately and want to be with you.

MedusasBadHairDay · 13/11/2020 16:19

@beansbaked

He says he still wants me & the relationship, but it's up to me if I want to carry it on when he moves out .
Honestly, "you can carry the relationship on if you want to" sounds like he wants you to end it. It's not exactly enthusiastic is it?
anonnnnni · 13/11/2020 16:56

^^I think it’s a given he’s moving out because he’s not happy, but he doesn’t have a long commute and they didn’t move in quickly, they’d been together three years.

My situation might have differed to his, but he still might have the intention of maintaining the relationship/status quo. Just my tuppence worth.

Maze76 · 13/11/2020 17:39

A 30 minute commute is nothing! Sorry Op, your emotions must be all over the place, he’s just sprung this on you, but he must have been planning this for a while. It’s a cowardly way to end your relationship, it sucks, it’s hurts.. let him get on with it. But just be prepared that another woman may well ‘ appear’ on the scene. 💐

Feminem · 13/11/2020 17:55

It sounds like he's decided whatever OP. Really it's up to you. It might be nice to have 2 places and "date" rather than live with him. It might put the spark back. Maybe try it and see. If it doesn't work, move on. Is it for a financial reason? He wants to invest his money in something that will provide a return/inheritance?

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