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Original poster

Is he having his cake & eating it ?

85 replies

beansbaked · 13/11/2020 12:28

Thank you for clicking on my post .I'll get straight to the problem .My dp and I have been living together 2years .Blending families didn't come without teething problem ,but settled down now .He has now announced he wants to still have a relationship with me ,but move out into his own place .Part of me is ok & the other part feels he's being a cf.Can someone please shred some light on my side thoughts .Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
beansbaked · 13/11/2020 17:58

There isn't another woman .. the job he is taking on is a life changing experience for him .It's that that makes me think why the decision to move out .So he can give it 100% .Its whether I can agree to his terms .

OP posts:
Lobsterquadrille2 · 13/11/2020 18:20

The needing to move out for a 30 minute commute is very strange. That's a pretty short commute by most people's standards. Has he always worked from home or been a five minute walk from his office?

TheTeenageYears · 13/11/2020 18:25

How old are your DC and how old are his? Is it possible that while his were younger and still needed to be parented it was convenient to live with you and he could put up with being around your DC while his still needed him. Now his are older and don't really need him or the home provided he doesn't want to be around your DC as his are more off his hands and the prospect of being child free is greater than staying with you and your DC?

Dontbeme · 13/11/2020 18:33

OP if you decide to try keeping with the relationship I would go to his and be hosted by him to start with, you do not want to create a dynamic where he has moved out and pops back for his dinner when it suits him. Let him put the effort into caring for you. I'm sorry things have turned out like this for you, it must be so confusing that he is saying one thing but his actions are saying otherwise. A word of warning though, don't waste too much time trying to figure him out, focus on you and what you need.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2020 18:34

Op that makes no sense, his work is thirty mins away, most folk have a commute of an hour of more. Thirty mins is a relatively short commute.

aSofaNearYou · 13/11/2020 18:42

I think you're kind of asking the wrong question - couples can and do live apart and are happy, but I think you should be focusing on why he wants to and whether you can live with whatever the answer is. It might make you feel better about it if it isn't something that's a reflection on his feelings for you, for instance. Are there any issues around yours or his children that could be causing his decision?

goldenharvest · 13/11/2020 18:50

He wants to move out because he is not committed to you and the relationship. Id dump him.

goldenharvest · 13/11/2020 18:50

He wants his cake with you and I suspect, other women

XmasIsSoon · 13/11/2020 18:55

You are not progressing as a couple it sounds like things are going backwards. Let him move out and then end it.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/11/2020 19:00

It sounds to me like he is breaking up with you by stealth.

No matter what his reasons it doesn’t sound like it’s what you want. Focus on that. You are entitled to and deserve a relationship that meets your needs and that makes you happy. If this doesn’t then I’d end it

Original poster
beansbaked · 13/11/2020 19:08

Well we've had a chat , but I've taken time out to process what's been said .Push comes to shove he doesn't want to move out .He's worried he's taken/taking to much on & it will effect our relationship in the long run .So at best he's trying to protect it .

OP posts:
Susanwouldntlikeit · 13/11/2020 19:10

would go to his and be hosted by him
Completely agree with this.
Date him at his place with him hosting )I would love this scenario 😀)
If he is fizzling it out -will fizzle fast. But you do not provide the comforts -he makes the effort.

Dery · 13/11/2020 19:11

Sorry you’re in this position, OP. As PP have said, a 30 minute commute is not a reason to move house. He’s made clear that he’s not that fussed about preserving your relationship - that’s why he’s said he’s moving out and you can end it if you want to. If he was committed in the way you want him to be he would not be moving out to avoid a 30-min commute and would not be creating a big get-out clause for you. Sounds like for him, your relationship as you knew it has run its course but he’s either quite happy to have you as a fallback for as long as it suits him or he wants you to be the one to end it.

SoloMummy · 13/11/2020 19:12

@beansbaked
Tbh it sounds as though the children are of an independent age and he doesn't need you anymore to facilitate this and not wanting to end things when they were around.

Equally, this could be a nest empty mid life crisis scenario re the new job and trying to live the life he feels he hasn't had...

And the fact you state you've got to decide whether to luce by his terms, rather than the job and the move having been a part of a joint discussion moving in the direction of your latter year plans. But this sounds like that's not the case.

Original poster
beansbaked · 13/11/2020 19:15

@SoloMummy .Yes this is exactly it .He is having an empty nest mid life crisis hence the new job which will allow him not to cater to his grown up children .

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 13/11/2020 19:17

Don’t keep thinking about him, does this work for you? If not, then say goodbye. If you aren’t sure/think it might do, give it a try. As long as you aren’t being taken advantage of in any way. But keep your needs and wishes top of the agenda, because he is looking after no. 1.

RuthTopp · 13/11/2020 19:21

Sorry op but I still think from your last post / chat with him - he is talking bollocks and bullshit and stringing you along.
I believe if you disappeared from your post today , you'd be posting again in a few months with an update that he did infact see you less and less with stories of him being too busy / stressed with the new workload and unable to see you.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/11/2020 19:24

Push comes to shove he doesn't want to move out

I'm sorry op but I don't think he means that. If he didn't want to move out then this simply wouldn't have occurred to him in the first place.

I take it his new job has punishing hours, will involve lots of studying, or have frequent trips away? Has he said anything about the practicalities involved? This should be something to discuss and tackle together. Not for him to go "I won't be around so much any more so I may as well move out" - that's just nonsense.

SoloMummy · 13/11/2020 19:43

[quote beansbaked]@SoloMummy .Yes this is exactly it .He is having an empty nest mid life crisis hence the new job which will allow him not to cater to his grown up children .[/quote]
In which case, I cannot see how this will be good for you. It may fill his needs short term, but you don't sound like an integral part of his longterm future.

LilyLongJohn · 13/11/2020 20:13

He says he still wants me & the relationship, but it's up to me if I want to carry it on when he moves out

This to me sounds like he can take or leave his relationship with you, he doesn't sound massively committed.

litterbird · 13/11/2020 20:18

Gosh this is a tricky one. For what I can read he failed to sit down with you when he chose to go for this other job and list how this would impact you as a couple re: longer commute, more time involved with the job and maybe more stress. He obviously didn't discuss with you how you could work together to overcome these situations and failed to discuss that he was thinking of moving away to deal with these issues even short term? I think you now have your answer as its only now you are discussing this as he has dropped a bombshell on you without prior knowledge. This isn't a man who sees you longterm, its run its course from his perspective but is taking a cowardly way out. This is horrible for you OP to be given the "oh if you don't want to continue the relationship then let me know" kinda thing. Just a kick in the teeth for you and your time together. How insensitive he is. Sorry OP.

Zenithbear · 13/11/2020 20:43

I believe that he hasn't found anyone... so far.
That's why he's is not letting go of you completely just yet.
But by leaving he is putting himself in a place where he can withdraw from you in an instant.
By doing this he runs the risk of of you finishing with him but he's willing to take that chance because he is not bothered.
He's being sneaky.

Original poster
beansbaked · 13/11/2020 21:49

@litterbird .You have said it all in a nutshell .Yes everything you have written is all true .So where do I go from here?

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 13/11/2020 22:32

@beansbaked

Well we've had a chat , but I've taken time out to process what's been said .Push comes to shove he doesn't want to move out .He's worried he's taken/taking to much on & it will effect our relationship in the long run .So at best he's trying to protect it .
How very noble of him.

I can't think of a job that requires someone to end a 5 year relationship, of which 2 years have been living together in the same home.

Who the hell is he?

Demand some honesty from him.
These are rediculous statements he's coming out with.

Non sensical
Just ask him... Have you used me?

Original poster
beansbaked · 13/11/2020 23:18

My head is telling me that he has been using me , but my heart is saying no .I would hate my worst enemy to have to deal with this .We've talked ( very heated) but I feel nothing had been resolved

OP posts:
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