What do you think about this - am I right to be suspicious?

[usernamechangeforthisone]

I've been with my partner 15 years. We have a son who is coming up 10. Our relationship isn't the best, the affection has gone a bit and we argue more and have less in common these days. I feel like he's very distant with me.

I'm unsure about what to make of some things that have happened recently. My partner is quite guarded with his phone and late last year I saw a message pop up along the lines of 'well at least you made me smile'. I confronted him and he denied who it was, but eventually admitted it was a female colleague. He told me it was innocent chat as she needed someone to talk to about some personal issues.

I don't know if she likes him as more than a friend (she has a boyfriend) but I was uncomfortable and we had a big argument, I told him not to message her again. I feel like work colleagues shouldn't be messaging on their personal phones at the weekend? But ever since I've been unable to trust him and convinced he is looking elsewhere.

I found her on his Instagram and she's a lot younger and very attractive. I don't think I've let myself go at all, but we do look very different. He's also been following a lot of younger girls on there, some he seems to know and others are more like professional glamour girls and very suggestive. He likes some of these pictures, which I'm uncomfortable with as these girls are young enough to be his daughter. (He's in his mid forties)

Recently I noticed the girl he messaged before had liked a picture of his, so I found myself on her profile and realised he is liking almost all of her photographs and has been this entire time. I exploded at him as I made it clear he was to stop contacting her. He insists they don't talk anymore and doesn't think liking her photos are a problem. (They were regular photos but a lot were of her, just not like the porny accounts more of her with her friends/family, on holiday, etc)

I feel like he's coming across sleazy here, and I don't know if she's interested or he's trying to get her to notice him. I just don't think this is acceptable but he's making out like I'm overreacting massively. I feel like our relationship is over if he's continually looking for other options, but he's said that's not the case and that he's innocent.

What do you all think? What would you do?

I don’t think liking innocent photos of a former colleague on SM is anything to be concerned about. When you saw the message pop up did he actually let you look at his phone to confirm what it said/ who it was from? If not, I’d be much more concerned about that than liking Instagram photos.

Again, liking Instagram models photos isn’t nice or respectful. It’s not something that I could put up with as you’re right - it just makes him look sleazy. Obviously it’s up to you if it’s a deal breaker or not but I wouldn’t consider it a sign that he’s cheating. He could just be using it instead of porn.

You sound a bit OTT and insecure but if you think he's being dodgy you know him better than us iyswim

@OverThinkingUnderDoing

I don’t think liking innocent photos of a former colleague on SM is anything to be concerned about. When you saw the message pop up did he actually let you look at his phone to confirm what it said/ who it was from? If not, I’d be much more concerned about that than liking Instagram photos.

Again, liking Instagram models photos isn’t nice or respectful. It’s not something that I could put up with as you’re right - it just makes him look sleazy. Obviously it’s up to you if it’s a deal breaker or not but I wouldn’t consider it a sign that he’s cheating. He could just be using it instead of porn.

No he didn't let me look he immediately deleted the entire chat and said he did it because I don't trust him and let him have female friends.

Says he hasn't spoken to her since but I'm not so sure. But would she really be interested in him? I don't know what to think. Just don't think I can trust him anymore. Didn't expect him to be this sleazy.

He is distant. You argue a lot. There's not much affection in the relationship. You don't trust him. You 'exploded' at him. You tell him what he can and can't do on social media. He is mid 40s and interested in women young enough to be his daughter.
What's worth hanging onto in this relationship?
Are you looking for reasons to go or stay OP?

I agree, you sound really controlling, jealous and insecure. Making it clear to him what he is and isn’t allowed to do. That’s never going to work for you op.

You need to work on your relationship or end it. I contact my male colleagues, I also chat to them personally. I’m not looking elsewhere. My husband sat playing a game on his iPad last night when I spent about an hour having a gossip to one male colleague

The difference is he trusts me. You are just worried he’s going to find someone else so your trying to control him. Dictating he’s not allowed to speak personally to his colleagues if they are female or you deem them attractive, you’re even stalking this woman on line.

You can’t continue like this. So need to seek a way forward where controlling your husband and telling him who he is allowed to speak to isn’t your go to position,

Didn't expect him to be this sleazy

It’s only sleazy to you as you are convinced he is sexually interested in her and not you. And clearly this isn’t the first time this has raised its head if he’s saying he’s not allowed female friends.

I'd stop stalking him. You either trust him or you don't. If you do then just trust him. If you don't you need to leave.

No he didn't let me look he immediately deleted the entire chat and said he did it because I don't trust him and let him have female friends.

If you believe that, I have a bridge you may be interested in buying...

She doesn't sound interested but he definitely sounds embarrassingly sleazy. He might be looking to bang elsewhere - or as a PP said, he might just be looking for free wank material.

I suppose it depends if you can overlook him being a cringey lech. Is the relationship otherwise good?

The relationship isn't great, intimacy is less,you argue a lot, he's distant, you're insecure.

Colleague or no colleague it doesn't sound good does it? It's probably not a good life to live either.

You could try couple's therapy but that will only work if he's willing to put the work in and wants the relationship to get back on track.

Also wondering what my chances are of finding someone in my mid forties as a single mum.

Surprised so many seem to think he's innocent here - If he hadn't lied perhaps I'd feel less suspicious of the whole thing. He guards his phone like a hawk and just seems so checked out of us.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

No he didn't let me look he immediately deleted the entire chat and said he did it because I don't trust him and let him have female friends.

If you believe that, I have a bridge you may be interested in buying...

She doesn't sound interested but he definitely sounds embarrassingly sleazy. He might be looking to bang elsewhere - or as a PP said, he might just be looking for free wank material.

I suppose it depends if you can overlook him being a cringey lech. Is the relationship otherwise good?

Blimey, calm yourself, bit of a reach there isn’t it? 😂

If he hadn't lied perhaps I'd feel less suspicious of the whole thing

I think perhaps not, don’t you?

Op, look there is nothing to say there is anything to this. Of course he could be sleazing, or he might just be chatting to a work mate, and also talks to male ones.

Stalking her social media is a concern. If the relationship isn’t working any more and you’re reduced to this, stalking any woman he talks to, exploding at him, demanding, your relationship can’t last.

So you both need to sit down and talk.

I'm a bit shocked that your only thought about the relationship ending is that you might not find someone else.

It doesnt matter if you dont but it shouldnt be your 1st reason not to end a relationship.

A man should enhance your life not be your life and there is nothing wrong with neing single

Honestly I’d be more concerned about the lack of affection and the arguments.

Seems like the love and the interest between you two is fading which unfortunately will make one seek affection/attention/validation/haven with someone else. If that’s the case here. So you have to get to the root of what’s going on in your relationship.

@SortingItOut

I'm a bit shocked that your only thought about the relationship ending is that you might not find someone else.

It doesnt matter if you dont but it shouldnt be your 1st reason not to end a relationship.

A man should enhance your life not be your life and there is nothing wrong with neing single

It's not my only thought but it does cross my mind. I feel too old to start again. But that's not to say I'd be rushing to find someone else. I haven't even thought about any of it to be honest. I just want things to be how they used to be but I don't think that'll ever return.

I agree with OP, i wouldn't like my DP liking pics of a younger female work colleague on SM. It seems he is on the look out for a side piece.

I’m not sure if he’s up to no good or not, but I am sure your relationship sounds like an utterly miserable mess. Would it not be better just to call it a day?
You sound jealous, paranoid and aggressive, and he sounds underhand and a bit.. sleazy.
FWIW I’m messaging three of my (ex) colleagues right now. All men, two married and one engaged. They’re my friends, no more and no less. I’m married too.

But op, you understand you can’t shout and bully him into making like it used to be. Right?

People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

@Bluetrews25

People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

That’s not true. If my husband asked to go through my phone I’d tell him to fuck off and I’ve nothing to hide.

I would find the liking pics obsessively uncomfortable/sleazy, and the deleting the convo very suspicious. As a PP says, he'd have no reason to do that if he wasn't doing anything dodgy.

@usernamechangeforthisone Have you banned him from having female friends? Or is that just an inaccurate excuse he's using for hiding the convo?

@SoulofanAggron

I would find the liking pics obsessively uncomfortable/sleazy, and the deleting the convo very suspicious. As a PP says, he'd have no reason to do that if he wasn't doing anything dodgy.

@usernamechangeforthisone Have you banned him from having female friends? Or is that just an inaccurate excuse he's using for hiding the convo?

I just don't know if I can trust him having female friends. Especially younger work colleagues. Mutual friends is fine.

That’s not true. If my husband asked to go through my phone I’d tell him to fuck off and I’ve nothing to hide.

@Bluntness100 It's not like there'd be no reason though, OP spotted a potentially dodgy-sounding message.

I just don't know if I can trust him having female friends.

@usernamechangeforthisone Do you have some reason not to trust him?

I’d ask to look at his phone. If he doesn’t hand it over straight away you r got your answer.

Been there got the t-shirt