What do you think about this - am I right to be suspicious?

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I've been with my partner 15 years. We have a son who is coming up 10. Our relationship isn't the best, the affection has gone a bit and we argue more and have less in common these days. I feel like he's very distant with me.

I'm unsure about what to make of some things that have happened recently. My partner is quite guarded with his phone and late last year I saw a message pop up along the lines of 'well at least you made me smile'. I confronted him and he denied who it was, but eventually admitted it was a female colleague. He told me it was innocent chat as she needed someone to talk to about some personal issues.

I don't know if she likes him as more than a friend (she has a boyfriend) but I was uncomfortable and we had a big argument, I told him not to message her again. I feel like work colleagues shouldn't be messaging on their personal phones at the weekend? But ever since I've been unable to trust him and convinced he is looking elsewhere.

I found her on his Instagram and she's a lot younger and very attractive. I don't think I've let myself go at all, but we do look very different. He's also been following a lot of younger girls on there, some he seems to know and others are more like professional glamour girls and very suggestive. He likes some of these pictures, which I'm uncomfortable with as these girls are young enough to be his daughter. (He's in his mid forties)

Recently I noticed the girl he messaged before had liked a picture of his, so I found myself on her profile and realised he is liking almost all of her photographs and has been this entire time. I exploded at him as I made it clear he was to stop contacting her. He insists they don't talk anymore and doesn't think liking her photos are a problem. (They were regular photos but a lot were of her, just not like the porny accounts more of her with her friends/family, on holiday, etc)

I feel like he's coming across sleazy here, and I don't know if she's interested or he's trying to get her to notice him. I just don't think this is acceptable but he's making out like I'm overreacting massively. I feel like our relationship is over if he's continually looking for other options, but he's said that's not the case and that he's innocent.

What do you all think? What would you do?

It does sound like he is on the hunt for some excitement & liking photos of younger women is sleazy. Don’t let the cool wives club convince you that there is nothing to be concerned about. You live with him, only you can decide whether there is something he is hiding. None of it sounds like the making of a great marriage.

I have told him I want out. I don't know what to think anymore. He insists I am wrong. He doesn't want to be a part time dad. Why are relationships so complicated.

He's crossed a line OP. Tell him to give his head a wobble.

Op in the space of a few mins you’ve went from wanting it back to how it was to wanting out. You need to decide what you want.

Have you banned him from having female friends?

I can only comment on my own experience here but I would say trust your gut, if something seems off and you’ve been together for 15 years without any trust issues in the past, then there is probably something off here. I’ve just been through exactly this with my DP of 3 years, seemed interested in a much younger colleague, suddenly shady with phone, very very reluctant to let me touch it (not that I wanted to, but I tried to use it once when mine was dead and he jumped!) I don’t think you sound controlling, jealous or insecure at all, I think you sound concerned about something that he denies but you still feel is off- totally understand why you would look through all of her SM etc. and his, this continual denial to your face when you have a very strong feeling something is up makes you feel crazy. In my case (I am rational, calm, collected) the feeling got stronger, he continued to deny, I split up with him in the end because I said his behaviour was untrustworthy and I could not continue. 3 weeks later he’s in the pub showing his friends his new girlfriend (her). No doubt at all in my mind that he’d been with her for months before I ended it. I hope you don’t find yourself in this place but don’t be told you’re crazy- you’re not!

@Bluntness100

Op in the space of a few mins you’ve went from wanting it back to how it was to wanting out. You need to decide what you want.

Have you banned him from having female friends?

I just feel like it's too far gone to be how it was. It seems like he has one foot out the door. Perhaps he doesn't find me attractive anymore.

the affection has gone a bit and we argue more and have less in common these days.

This is the problem. Your relationship is not in a good place, so try and focus on that instead of trying to control who he talks do.

I just don't know if I can trust him having female friends. Especially younger work colleagues

If you can't trust him, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with him. People can have friends if all ages and they don't have to be mutual friends.

A relationship thst is miserable and lacking in affection, with arguments...is not a place many people want to be.

Things won't get back to how they used to be without effort on both sides.

This lady needs to be reassured before she feels she can trust him.

Understandable
She knows him best.

Good post from Sandy.

And he’s already reassuring her.

The fact he’s liked a colleagues bog standard face book images and a year ago she said you made me smile is really not enough to explode on him and ban him from liking pics.

The fundamental issue here is the relationship is over.

I'm sure there is more to this situation than the op has been able to convey through a short post.

The op has been with her husband for 15 years and didn't get to that point by being paranoid for the whole duration.

She obviously feels there has been a shift in the dynamics of her relationship, apart from the flimsy evidence you accuse her of, which I don't think is flimsy.

By being supportive maybe the op will feel she can open up and disclose more instead of having to try to defend herself.

Someone in a happy relationship doesn't need to keep looking at other women's profiles and liking them. He's not happy, and neither are you. I think both of you need to rethink the relationship

Given the context you have provided, I think it is inappropriate for him to be liking this woman's photos.
Can you think back to when this behaviour started? Did something trigger it? Or are we (yet again) talking about a male mid-life crisis, albeit somewhat early in this case.

I'm not sure when it first started. I feel pathetic for fixating on this one girl. I just wish I knew the status of their friendship/relationship.. he denies they message anymore. That may be true or may not, and if it's friendship he feels the need to lie to me about messaging her. Maybe because of my reaction, maybe because there is more to it.

Part of me wants to message her and ask if she speaks to him and how close they are. Is that crazy behaviour?

Yes the monitoring isn't great but I guess I can't turn off this suspicion. Neither of us are as happy as we were that's for sure, but we are parents and DS doesn't cope well with change, and we have these uncertain times on top.

I don't know what to do to be honest. Some of the comments have made me feel like I've pushed him to this which hurts. I just don't understand the friendship with younger girls thing and it does ring alarm bells for me. But what would she want with him? My head is just spinning.

OP, I can recognise the frustration and despair in your posts because I have experienced similar. Firstly, it doesn't serve your purpose to figure out what she wants from him (if anything). There could be a host of scenarios and you won't ever get the truth unless you can get inside her head. So, forget about that aspect.
Secondly, and more importantly, your husband is getting something from this relationship. You need to figure out what that is. Older men can be flattered by the attention of younger women. Perhaps that is it?

I really don't think liking a work colleague's social media pictures is anything unusual. It depends on the sort of workplace I suppose, and the kinds of relationships you have with your colleagues. At my workplace we're all pretty friendly and I would think nothing of liking my male colleagues' pictures on Instagram - in fact I usually do, and I'm pretty sure they don't think I'm "stalking" their social media or trying to give them the come-on (which I am not!). As for the "you made me smile" comment, again, nothing too worrying there. Liking younger women's pictures could be interpreted as a bit desperate and sleazy, but equally could be pretty mindless... just a throwaway way of expressing admiration, which isn't ideal I grant you but hardly a dumping offence in my book.

I agree with others that it's the broader context that is more concerning, the fact that you clearly don't trust him 100% and don't feel that the relationship is going well. To me this is a clear indicator to try and work on it, rather than end it. If he's not receptive to that or feels that things are fine between you then you may have a bigger problem, but I would try not to let your thoughts spiral too much based purely on his interaction with this colleague.

Op, please don’t message her, that is just never going to be good for you.

She is his colleague, she likely wants nothing from him and the same him to her, it’s perfectly normal to be friendly with your colleagues. Do you not work, have you never worked snd formed friendships with folks?

Of course there could be more to it, but from what you’ve posted it just seems they are good mates and colleagues.

I’d also point out I’m friends with lots of my colleagues on both Instagram and face book. I always like their pics and rhem mine. Some are younger, some are older, nearly all are male. I also gossip to them on the phone and habe been out with them

It genuinely has never occured to me they would have a partner in the back ground who thought it anything more than work mates. Because that’s all it is.

Honestly, stay away from social media for your own well-being. Not a good idea to contact her asking what she wants from your DP. I think it may make you look a bit unhinged as it doesn't seem as if this is anything other than a friendship from her perspective. Your DP may have built up a different scenario in his head but that isn't really her problem to solve.

I would not be happy with his behaviour tbh.

My ex P had ‘innocent’ friendships with 2 work colleagues. I accepted this. Turns out he was sleeping with both of them. So I don’t think you’re being OTT to be suspicious.

I didn’t really enjoy your comment about single mothers in their 40s. I’m one and it’s not as bad as living with someone who cheats on you and tells lies.

When my ex husband started spending a lot of time looking at pics online of nubile young women in latex catsuits and the like I just thought it was innocent and ignored it because it's just looking right, but he started growing away from me quite quickly and the next thing he's got a collar and lead on and he's moved in with his mistress abandoning me very suddenly.
We'd been married for 20 years.

I didn’t really enjoy your comment about single mothers in their 40s. I’m one and it’s not as bad as living with someone who cheats on you and tells lies

Well yes, it’s also better than living with one who is abusive, or has bad body odour, but there is no indication this man is cheating and lying or anything else.

@Bluntness100 like I said, I totally took ex P’s friendships with female colleagues at face value till I got told by their angry husbands that he was screwing them. There is no evidence but there is also no smoke without fire.