What do you think about this - am I right to be suspicious?

[usernamechangeforthisone]

I've been with my partner 15 years. We have a son who is coming up 10. Our relationship isn't the best, the affection has gone a bit and we argue more and have less in common these days. I feel like he's very distant with me.

I'm unsure about what to make of some things that have happened recently. My partner is quite guarded with his phone and late last year I saw a message pop up along the lines of 'well at least you made me smile'. I confronted him and he denied who it was, but eventually admitted it was a female colleague. He told me it was innocent chat as she needed someone to talk to about some personal issues.

I don't know if she likes him as more than a friend (she has a boyfriend) but I was uncomfortable and we had a big argument, I told him not to message her again. I feel like work colleagues shouldn't be messaging on their personal phones at the weekend? But ever since I've been unable to trust him and convinced he is looking elsewhere.

I found her on his Instagram and she's a lot younger and very attractive. I don't think I've let myself go at all, but we do look very different. He's also been following a lot of younger girls on there, some he seems to know and others are more like professional glamour girls and very suggestive. He likes some of these pictures, which I'm uncomfortable with as these girls are young enough to be his daughter. (He's in his mid forties)

Recently I noticed the girl he messaged before had liked a picture of his, so I found myself on her profile and realised he is liking almost all of her photographs and has been this entire time. I exploded at him as I made it clear he was to stop contacting her. He insists they don't talk anymore and doesn't think liking her photos are a problem. (They were regular photos but a lot were of her, just not like the porny accounts more of her with her friends/family, on holiday, etc)

I feel like he's coming across sleazy here, and I don't know if she's interested or he's trying to get her to notice him. I just don't think this is acceptable but he's making out like I'm overreacting massively. I feel like our relationship is over if he's continually looking for other options, but he's said that's not the case and that he's innocent.

What do you all think? What would you do?

He needs to give you his phone. If he doesn't then assume that he's guilty of something. I think this sounds creepy. More like an ego boost/midlife longing but he needs to get a grip.

If he’s telling the truth and they haven’t spoken since “late last year” or after your suspicions were aroused, then are you expected to believe that he has been silently “liking” her posts for the best part of a year with no other ongoing friendship/communication? And she has liked just one of his over the same timespan? (If I’ve understood correctly)

So he’s either lying to you in terms of the contact they have had since then... OR he’s a creeping gollum lurking silently on her SM liking everything with zero - except one pity(?) like - in return for the best part of a year?!

If the latter, I think that’s weird and one sided - like he likes her and is trying to continue contact when there is zero communication. I wouldn’t like that it’s disrespectful to your relationship; as if he’s pining or something.

If the former then he may be lying to you purely because he’s unwilling to stop talking to her on principal (as is his right) rather than anything untoward.

It is your right to decide if you are happy to be in a relationship where your partner is either lying to you in order to continue a purportedly inconsequential friendship, or silently but visibly pining on SM for this colleague with his quivering digits poised...

I can understand why you’re uncomfortable though OP

@ThirteenOClock

If he’s telling the truth and they haven’t spoken since “late last year” or after your suspicions were aroused, then are you expected to believe that he has been silently “liking” her posts for the best part of a year with no other ongoing friendship/communication? And she has liked just one of his over the same timespan? (If I’ve understood correctly)

So he’s either lying to you in terms of the contact they have had since then... OR he’s a creeping gollum lurking silently on her SM liking everything with zero - except one pity(?) like - in return for the best part of a year?!

If the latter, I think that’s weird and one sided - like he likes her and is trying to continue contact when there is zero communication. I wouldn’t like that it’s disrespectful to your relationship; as if he’s pining or something.

If the former then he may be lying to you purely because he’s unwilling to stop talking to her on principal (as is his right) rather than anything untoward.

It is your right to decide if you are happy to be in a relationship where your partner is either lying to you in order to continue a purportedly inconsequential friendship, or silently but visibly pining on SM for this colleague with his quivering digits poised...

I can understand why you’re uncomfortable though OP

She has liked a fair few of his posts too tbh. So I don't know if that means friendship or she's actually into him..

No he didn't let me look he immediately deleted the entire chat and said he did it because I don't trust him and let him have female friends.

Do you think he would have immediately deleted the friendly chat he had with Derek from accounts?

OMG! Liking a post means just that and nothing else. Have you always been a bit insecure?
I'd be hiding stuff from you if you'd exploded at me.
Sounds like a miserable relationship, he's in it for your son, and your in it because you might not find someone else at your age - does there have to be someone, that you need to cling onto? Clinging on so tight is a way to lose somebody.
Another thought is hormones if all this clingy, jealous, stalkery behaviour is new for you, perimenopause can make us behave in mysterious ways.
TBH, I don't see your DP has done much to get so rattled about. Why not concentrate on trying to enjoy doing things together than spying on him.

I would listen to your gut. It is telling you that your relationship is in trouble and needs both of your attention. I dont think that the contact with women should be the main focus. If you approach him in a non confrontational way and express that your reaction to his contact with this woman has made you realise that you need to do a relationship 'check in'. How are you both feeling about your individual lives is important. Are there things going on for you individually that are putting stressors on your relationship? If you are fulfilled outside of your relationship, what would you like to see more of in your relationship? Have things gotten stale? After 15 years together I can imagine it must be difficult to keep that spark that reminds you of why you picked them. Shared history is not a good enough (healthy) reason to stay in a relationship. If you can both have an open, non accusatory conversation, working out what is lacking for you both...you are in a position to work on those things...if either of you doesnt try, then you have your answer. The opposite of love isnt hate, it's apathy. A couples counsellor could help you with this process if you are both willing to talk but need someone to keep it constructive. Good luck x

Additionally, if you do decide to split, I'd still recommend a couples therapist. As you said, your son doesnt do well with change. A therapist will help you through any resentments and learn how to co parent kindly and effectively. Specifically how you split your time, agree how you manage care of your son when he is sick (if you both are working), boundary setting, etc