Am I over reacting?

[Eidak]

I need your advice.
I am currently 7 months pregnant, this is my second pregnancy and I am really struggling with SPD, swollen feet, sore back and just general pregnancy.

I have a 4 year old who currently goes to nursery 3 afternoons a week and I am working full time currently from home. I am the main earner my partner has been our child main carer but since lock down i feel like i am being taken for a fool.

My partner wakes up about 10.30 on the days that our son goes to nursery but stays in bed until 1PM on the days that our son stays home. My working hours are 8.30 til 6 mon to fri which means I am struggling to do my job as well as look after our child.

My partner doesn't like me working downstairs when he is awake and doesnt like me working upstairs when he is asleep and gets moody if I haven't moved my work space as soon as he gets up.

He spends most of his time out side smoking so even when he is awake our son is upstairs with me whilst I am trying work (his fag breaks are on average an hour at a time)

I have tried to tell him that I am in pain and struggling with this pregnancy but he just ignores me or tells me that I keep going on. My feet are really swollen some nights so.much so that its painful I have asked if he would rub them to relieve the pain and I literally cannot reach them myself and he refuses.i have told him that I feel lonely and we spend no time together but nothing changes.

After a full days work I then have to cook tea for the three of us I also have to keep on top of the housework else it just doesn't get done (most days I am too tired soni leave it until I really have to do it) I feel like I have all of the responsibility of running the house (financially and physically) whilst being heavily pregnant, working full time and looking after our son.

I pay all if our house hold Bill's minus the broadband out of my wage we are entitled to UC and from that I ask for about 10% to help towards the house etc. He feels that me taking a small amount of the money is unfair to him and cannot see my side of the story!

I have a good job but my salary only just pays for the 3 of us to live in our home when all of our Bill's, food shopping and rent is paid I have very little left over. My dad gave me some money to buy myself a second hand car as the one I have is unreliable and too small but my partner keeps trying to get me to buy a van which is not what I want so he is saving up for a van himself but doesnt understand why I get annoyed that he can save money for a van but I have to think twice before buying some second hand maternity Jean's!

I feel like he blames me for not being able to work although I have told him so many times that I will give up work to provide childcare so that he can work but he says that he will not be on the same salary so there is no point, I have said that I could go part time so I can be there for school run and we would need to pay for childcare for our new baby for a year or so but he is not happy with that either.

Am I being stupid staying in this relationship? Am I over reacting? Is he just a man being a man?

Help?!

Is he the father of the 4yr old and the baby you are carrying?

Sorry, re-read OP and he is.

It doesn't sound like he does anything and is effectively another child, and a selfish entitled overgrown one at that. If he stopped smoking, he could get his own van.

He’s a waste of space. He won’t change, so make plans to be rid of him. It’s easier to do everything yourself if there isn’t a lazy git watching and not helping.

It is great that you are questioning this and perhaps it is lockdown that has brought it into sharp relief, but you need to seriously rejig your expectation of a supportive and equal relationship because this is not it.

You are not overreacting, you are being thoroughly taken advantage of and I think you need to rethink what you want and whether this man lives up to those expectations.

You are currently carrying all three of you plus baby, with no financial or practical support and it is not normal or fair. More immediately, are there friends or family you could call on for moral support?

Cocklodger extreme. He does fuck all by the sound of it!! Bet you buy his fags too. Get rid!!

I really dont think he sees how unhelpful he is, which I am not sure makes it worse!
He has started helping out with out sons bedtime but this is done on his time no regard to the routine that I am trying to get into. He puts the bins out and cleans up the garden after our dog but I dont thing that makes up for all I do. I loose my temper when it alm gets too much and his response is single mums cope fine! Sadly I think you might me right and things are not going to change

What did I just read???
Why are you supporting a man who is so totally useless? And why are you having a second child with him?
There is a word for a man like that - a cocklodger.
Not sure why you are doing all the child caring, household chores and cooking. What exactly does HE do these days other than smoking?

So - no, you are not being unreasonable. Maybe only to yourself - for allowing him to use you this way.

He sounds like an absolute prick. No, he is not just Bern a man. He is more like a vile teenager. Surely you'd be better off alone. It's really, really bad, op!

So he is the child's main carer except that he's not actually doing any caring for the child? And he's not working either? It's totally unaccetapbel that he is not doing his "job" which is looking after your DC while you work.

I'm sorry OP. I am not normally a default LTB poster, but in this case, I don't see what else you can do. Something someone said to me recently has really stuck with me, "I feel like if he left my life would not be in the slightest bit harder, probably easier in fact" because her "D"P is like yours. Barely contributes financially, does bare minimum of childcare and housekeeping etc.

Sorry but he knows deep down that he's not helping at all, but he knows he can get away with it. Any human being with half an ounce of sense and empathy would say "you're working full time while heavily pregnant, taking care of a 4 year old while simultaneously working from home, and you're the the main/only earner? Gosh, that is a lot and you probably need some help."

The absolute bare minimum he could do (if he was unsure) is ask you what you need.

Staying in bed until 1pm while you are working/performing childcare/cooking/cleaning/being pregnant and then having the audacity to be annoyed at your work annoying him while you pay all his bills... that is not clueless "I didn't realise", that is malicious.

He has started helping out
He's supposed to be your child's main carer. He's a househusband, yet you are doing everything.

Oh OP this is not an equal relationship, you are doing everything! Parenting, providing and 7 months pregnant. He is taking the piss and you and your children deserve much better. I think you should be making moves to be a single parent, which effectively you already are, but at the moment it's for 2 kids and 1 on the way.....

You have a serious problem here. You MUST turn things around soon.

What maternity leave have you got planned?

If you split, he could claim to be main carer for the DCs, and get main custody and maintenance from you.

I'd suggest getting some advice before this situation gets even worse. Use your mat leave to make sure you are main carer, and ditch the useless man.

Hes got one thing right, you will cope much better being a single parent, and will very likely be better off financially.

Do you own your house or rent? Is it joint?

I am taking 9 months leave starting 4th January 2021

We are renting privately, both of our names are on the tenancy.

He sounds like a useless waste of space.

I would look into either moving to your own rented accommodation or getting him out of the house.

He sounds completely useless
He objects to you working when he's not even contributing. Dump the loser

I think lock down has made me see it more, it's hard being in the situation and trying to figure out what is just emotions running high and what is an actual problem. I do have friends and family around but I know that they are not impartial so I have not spoken to anyone about what is going on

Get a grip and tell him to leave, you won't be worse off and a least you can please yourself

What a lazy sod, tell him to get a job or to start being the main homemaker! don't do everything for him. You're not overreacting

Christ OP I read that with my mouth hanging open agog!! What the hell is he doing staying in bed until 1pm? I was expecting you to then say he works nights or something which would explain it but apparently not??!?

I think you need to sit down with him, he either pulls up his socks and starts fully playing his part (by which I mean getting up either with your DC or before you start work and actually being the main carer, pulling his weight with household stuff, not being a knob) etc or you're gone.

As for you working from home then you set up and work wherever is best for YOU and he gets on with life elsewhere in the house.

I really dont want to be the silly girl that stays in stagnant relationship and I dont want to get to 60 and think wow I really wasted my life but we have been in our relationship for 13 years! Part of me thinks that when I am on mat leave he will need to pull his finger out as my income etc will not be what it is now and that will be the big test but deep down I know that it is ridiculous to put up with it for that long!

He treats you like shit.

Somebody who actually cared about you would not treat you like this.

There are coercive control flags here too.

You and perhaps more importantly your children deserve a better life than this.