Am I over reacting?

[Eidak]

I need your advice.
I am currently 7 months pregnant, this is my second pregnancy and I am really struggling with SPD, swollen feet, sore back and just general pregnancy.

I have a 4 year old who currently goes to nursery 3 afternoons a week and I am working full time currently from home. I am the main earner my partner has been our child main carer but since lock down i feel like i am being taken for a fool.

My partner wakes up about 10.30 on the days that our son goes to nursery but stays in bed until 1PM on the days that our son stays home. My working hours are 8.30 til 6 mon to fri which means I am struggling to do my job as well as look after our child.

My partner doesn't like me working downstairs when he is awake and doesnt like me working upstairs when he is asleep and gets moody if I haven't moved my work space as soon as he gets up.

He spends most of his time out side smoking so even when he is awake our son is upstairs with me whilst I am trying work (his fag breaks are on average an hour at a time)

I have tried to tell him that I am in pain and struggling with this pregnancy but he just ignores me or tells me that I keep going on. My feet are really swollen some nights so.much so that its painful I have asked if he would rub them to relieve the pain and I literally cannot reach them myself and he refuses.i have told him that I feel lonely and we spend no time together but nothing changes.

After a full days work I then have to cook tea for the three of us I also have to keep on top of the housework else it just doesn't get done (most days I am too tired soni leave it until I really have to do it) I feel like I have all of the responsibility of running the house (financially and physically) whilst being heavily pregnant, working full time and looking after our son.

I pay all if our house hold Bill's minus the broadband out of my wage we are entitled to UC and from that I ask for about 10% to help towards the house etc. He feels that me taking a small amount of the money is unfair to him and cannot see my side of the story!

I have a good job but my salary only just pays for the 3 of us to live in our home when all of our Bill's, food shopping and rent is paid I have very little left over. My dad gave me some money to buy myself a second hand car as the one I have is unreliable and too small but my partner keeps trying to get me to buy a van which is not what I want so he is saving up for a van himself but doesnt understand why I get annoyed that he can save money for a van but I have to think twice before buying some second hand maternity Jean's!

I feel like he blames me for not being able to work although I have told him so many times that I will give up work to provide childcare so that he can work but he says that he will not be on the same salary so there is no point, I have said that I could go part time so I can be there for school run and we would need to pay for childcare for our new baby for a year or so but he is not happy with that either.

Am I being stupid staying in this relationship? Am I over reacting? Is he just a man being a man?

Help?!

God what a loser. You are almost a single mum anyway. In fact, you would probably be financially better off if you were. What exactly is the point of him?

From what you've said OP imagine he'd use your mat leave as an excuse to do even less, given that you'll be around all the time with no work, or is the plan for him to find work while you're off?

Sorry if this comes across as horrible bit I really don’t understand why you would have another child with a guy like this!? These type of men will never change because they get away with doing the bare minimum

Is being on your own so much worse than being with a grown kid? You already have to look after 2 kids you don’t need the extra weight.

Please think of the example he is setting your kids for their future and think of your life that you’re wasting away on him.

He is 'self employed' but he hasn't really managed to get his business off the ground, the plan is for him to start working so that when I go back to work we can pay for our second child to go to nursery until her free hours kick in.

This is grim! OP he's a complete waste of space? He brings nothing to the table by the sound of things. It's going to get immeasurably harder once a second baby comes along. A second child can test the strongest partnerships - never mind this sorry excuse of one.

Please start planning for single parenthood. You're doing it already. At least he might be an actual proper dad every other weekend and you'll get a break.

Sorry you're dealing with this loser

Is he depressed? If so he needs to ask the GP for help. Otherwise he need to find somewhere else to live so you can get on with working and raising your DC without him adding to your workload.

Is he smoking cannabis? I can't imagine why you'd not be up at a reasonable time to look after your child and spend time with your partner, especially given all you've said about your health. Cannabis or not, he's a lazy entitled arse. And a sexist get too- you're being treated like a badly paid maid.
And on another note, why is putting bins out a man's job? I've managed it for over 30 years and it's had no effect on on my gender

He needs a dose of reality op. What's the point of him? Either get him to go stay elsewhere or create a schedule of tasks to complete each day. He is the main carer

It is not acceptable for him to stay in bed late, never mind all morning. Tell him what needs doing and if he doesn't tow the line then he can't stay. And you need more of the UC! This is not acceptable. He sounds cruel and is taking advantage. He doesn't even care enough to rub your ankles FFS!

I wouldn't want to leave my children in his care and I shudder to think about your DS's day when you were out at work.

Wow. What have I just read?
Reading MN could put me off men for life. You need to raise your bar OP. You chose to have a 2nd child with this waste of space?
He won't get better. Why would he? If he gave a shit, he'd be up at 8am caring for his child and doing housework. He isn't. You are being taken for a huge mug. Don't kid yourself any longer. Cannabis smoker?

He did suffer with depression last year and went to a dr and seemed to be doing better. He doesnt smoke cannabis from what I am aware, the real problem started when we went in to lock down, I feel like he saw me home and in his head thought I was there to help out rather than carry on working!

Good grief, op. Get rid of this cocklodging waster. He adds absolutely no value to your life. You know what needs to be done so do it.

Why on earth are you with him OP! Surely you deserve better!

You are not overreacting. He is not a partner to you is he - parenting and supporting the family is a joint responsibility but he is doing little towards it! I think you’re better off on your own

You've been with him 13 years to long please get rid of him.

I was going to ask, why doesnt he have a job? Isn't he embarrassed to be poncing off his pregnant girlfriend? Most decent men would be.

Honestly, lovely, give him the boot. You're already a single mum, at least this way you wont have him being nasty and taking money off you and the kids all the time.

How did he manage childcare and the home when you were out at work?

If he says that single parents manage fine then reply with, off the fuck you go then, and mean it, because at least you won’t have the burden of him to drag you down.

My god, I'm speechless! Don't give him a minute longer, he is of no practical use but drains you of any small amount of energy you have. Get rid.

Two words: GET RID.

OP you need to dig deep and find a bit more respect for yourself, your wee boy and your unborn baby!
You KNOW this guy is absolutely toxic for your family and you KNOW you can do it better on your own.
Please talk to your friends & family and plan either to ask him to leave & speak to your landlord about getting him of lease, or plan for you and your children to live elsewhere, even if it’s with your parents for a bit, but please don’t stay with him any longer. He’s a money grubbing, lazy arsehole.

He's taking the piss....why are you with this waste of space

He is a waster. He will drag you down. Dont waste your life.

Wait!

You are taking care of a 4 year old BY YOURSELF.
You are taking care of the entire house BY YOURSELF.
You are supporting the house financially BY YOURSELF.
You are living your life BY YOURSELF.

Why do you need this man????
He is clearly a piece of garbage that you should just throw out!!!!
This is outrageous, I got so angry just by reading this...

Why are you allowing this! He sounds absolutely vile and a lazy man. You and your children deserve better!

Op I'd be very concerned about the "care" he's supposedly been providing for your oldest child. I suspect he's pretty much been doing the same as now - plonking littlun in front of telly in a bouncer then snoozing on the settee or having countless "breaks" outside setting fire to your money and giving your child the gift of secondhand smoke.

This so-called man adds nothing to the life of your child, nor to yours. I would strongly suggest getting rid before your 2nd arrives. He will be far more hindrance than help.

You need to put your foot down or leave. Honestly I would leave.

If you think you can make it work then he needs to take over childcare.

You would be better off as a single mum. And happier.