Am I too old at 54 to expect to be swept off my feet?!

[Clarecatlady]

I've been in a relationship for 10 months with a man who in some ways is great. He cooks amazingly, ( massive bonus as I don't have the time or inclination!) he can be thoughtful and kind. Is good with my kids, which having come out of marriage to a bully and control freak who terrorised me and my kids, is wonderful. He can be helpful round the house when I ask. We have nice times out with friends etc!
However, he doesn't excite me! He dresses well and is nice looking but I don't fancy him! It sounds awful but I don't know if I ever did. I think in the beginning it was just lovely to be with someone 'normal', who didn't control me, who treated me well.
He's slowly moved himself in but doesn't help pay for bills and still pays rent to his landlady. I feel he's actually keeping his options open! Sex isn't very often and isn't great for me, altho he seems happy!
I just don't know if I'm expecting too much at my age (54)!!
I run my own small businesses, own my own mortgage free house and save money when I can. He's 51, rents a room in a house, has no savings, no pension and seems to spend all his money in the pub or online shopping!!
He's very happy as we are I think but I feel I'm settling! Am I too old to want to meet someone who excites me, makes my stomach churn. Someone I look forward to seeing at the end of the day. Am I stupid to give up what I have to try and find what may not exist?!!

He's a cocklodger op. What do you mean he moved himself in?
Get rid. You can be single you know. Your options are not either the cocklodger or 'being swept off your feet'!

@Clarecatlady

I've been in a relationship for 10 months with a man who in some ways is great. He cooks amazingly, ( massive bonus as I don't have the time or inclination!) he can be thoughtful and kind. Is good with my kids, which having come out of marriage to a bully and control freak who terrorised me and my kids, is wonderful. He can be helpful round the house when I ask. We have nice times out with friends etc! However, he doesn't excite me! He dresses well and is nice looking but I don't fancy him! It sounds awful but I don't know if I ever did. I think in the beginning it was just lovely to be with someone 'normal', who didn't control me, who treated me well. He's slowly moved himself in but doesn't help pay for bills and still pays rent to his landlady. I feel he's actually keeping his options open! Sex isn't very often and isn't great for me, altho he seems happy! I just don't know if I'm expecting too much at my age (54)!! I run my own small businesses, own my own mortgage free house and save money when I can. He's 51, rents a room in a house, has no savings, no pension and seems to spend all his money in the pub or online shopping!! He's very happy as we are I think but I feel I'm settling! Am I too old to want to meet someone who excites me, makes my stomach churn. Someone I look forward to seeing at the end of the day. Am I stupid to give up what I have to try and find what may not exist?!!

Oh dear. He isn't going to support you either !

Cynical old me will say that in my experience far too many people of both sexes have a massive selfish streak running through them without even realising it. It is in my opinion one of the most common faults in humans.

As for being swept off your feet at 54, I am a little older than that and am still waiting. Looking back I put up with and wasted far too many years with the wrong men. Happily single now and I am staying that way.

So no OP it is not too late to be swept off your feet and treated as you deserve to be and I do hope you find that happiness!

"He cooks amazingly, ( massive bonus as I don't have the time or inclination!)"
You can get the same result with Uber eats. You deserve better.

First poster has it, he's a cocklodger

He's 51, rents a room in a house, has no savings, no pension and seems to spend all his money in the pub or online shopping!!

^

Sounds like quite the catch

Doesn't sound great, TBH.

I think you deserve more.

He's a skilled cocklodger. I have no doubt you aren't the first woman to fall for his superficial "charm."

Give your head a wobble and get rid.

Hmmmm. I'm sorry, I think the first poster has nailed it.

Not "feeling it" is one thing when he is financially secure.

Cooking meals isn't enough.

At nearly 50 and with a failed, abusive marriage behind me I'm much more interested in being with someone who is a really superb human and a great partner in life, than I am in movie-style sweptoffmyfeetness and great passion/romance/drama. But it doesn't sound like you've got either from this fella.

Reading it like you've posted does make him sound like a freeloader. Do you give him money? Has he had problems in the past money wise? Has he ever treated you? Even to a bar of chocolate? 54 is in no way too old to start a new relationship, if you don't fancy him tell him gently and if he's a reasonable person hopefully it won't be too hard

He sounds awful and I bet when you try to get rid of him, he doesn't go quietly into the night back to his room.

Oh no get rid.

He's having a great time at your expense OP? When he cooks does he buy the food ?

Does he buy anything? If you keep this man you don't even fancy you will end up paying for everything and he will let you.

My Aunt, lost her Hubby in 1995, 20 years later BOOM! Shes 81 now and her partner is an incredible 96. YOLO
Preston, Lancs🇬🇧

You've been a bit daft letting him move in by stealth. You realise in a normal relationship you discuss and agree relationship shifts? It's likely because you're out of an abusive relationship that this seems OK to you - your boundaries are fucked up. That's not your fault, but you need to work on them and rebuild them better.

You've only known him 10 months and he's moved in with you and the kids? That's crazy.

Of course he thinks everything is great, he's swapped a room in a shared house for the comforts of a family home and paying nothing towards it.

You're subsidising a grown man. That's money directly out of your kids pockets.

Tell him he's rushed things and he needs to be staying back at his own place. Date him if you must, but send him home to live. He has foisted himself on you, your kids and your home, like a cuckoo in the nest, and you don't even like him that much.

Errrr no. He sounds the complete opposite of a ‘lovely man’. Get him gone.

@grassisjeweled

He's 51, rents a room in a house, has no savings, no pension and seems to spend all his money in the pub or online shopping!!

^

Sounds like quite the catch

This

He's moved himself in but doesn't contribute or excite you. Sex is bland for you - what is in it for you here? Get rid and learn to be single. You have to be single to meet the right person you know! Good luck OP get out while you can x

As PP have said your poor kids. Learn to recreate boundaries and spend your money and time on them, they deserve it after what you've all been through rather than having this cocklodger take your time and money!

He's slowly moved himself in but doesn't help pay for bills

The rest is bad, but this is awful. He is actually costing you money. For bad sex.

There's a HUGE gap between what you have & being swept off your feet!

I'm your age & no it's not like when you're 18 with no responsibilities & no life experience, but sex is good, stomach still flips when he calls, but it also comes with the appreciation of him being 'a good man' which is a much quieter, but important, feeling. You don't have either.

Sadly, time to move on, you deserve more than this, but you won't get it while you're tied to him.

Bloody hell OP get rid, and fast

You are NOWHERE NEAR too old to find what you’re looking for, good luck to you 💐

Just get rid of him and be single.

I think it’s unlikely you’ll be swept off your feet again but there’s no point settling for someone who makes your life worse.

‘Moved himself in’? When you don’t even find him sexually attractive or enjoy sex with him!

Dump and don’t date again until you’ve worked on your recovery from your past relationship and ‘boundaries’.