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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I too old at 54 to expect to be swept off my feet?!

53 replies

Clarecatlady · 11/11/2020 01:06

I've been in a relationship for 10 months with a man who in some ways is great. He cooks amazingly, ( massive bonus as I don't have the time or inclination!) he can be thoughtful and kind. Is good with my kids, which having come out of marriage to a bully and control freak who terrorised me and my kids, is wonderful. He can be helpful round the house when I ask. We have nice times out with friends etc!
However, he doesn't excite me! He dresses well and is nice looking but I don't fancy him! It sounds awful but I don't know if I ever did. I think in the beginning it was just lovely to be with someone 'normal', who didn't control me, who treated me well.
He's slowly moved himself in but doesn't help pay for bills and still pays rent to his landlady. I feel he's actually keeping his options open! Sex isn't very often and isn't great for me, altho he seems happy!
I just don't know if I'm expecting too much at my age (54)!!
I run my own small businesses, own my own mortgage free house and save money when I can. He's 51, rents a room in a house, has no savings, no pension and seems to spend all his money in the pub or online shopping!!
He's very happy as we are I think but I feel I'm settling! Am I too old to want to meet someone who excites me, makes my stomach churn. Someone I look forward to seeing at the end of the day. Am I stupid to give up what I have to try and find what may not exist?!!

OP posts:
laudemio · 11/11/2020 09:01

Get rid of him. Take some time on your own, a year or two at least to heal.

Ragwort · 11/11/2020 09:05

Don't settle for someone so awful.

Get rid of him and enjoy being single.

I am older than you (& married), some of my single friends have met lovely guys ... who treat them well and are respectful, decent people. (We don't talk about sex lives but from the occasional comment they seem very happy Wink). Other single friends are very happy and content to remain single. No one 'needs' a man to make them happy.

lulahloo · 11/11/2020 09:06

No. 54 is not too old to be swept off your feet but it is a long life ahead with someone who doesn’t float your boat very much.
Here’s a very useful thing to say to him if you are a bit stuck for how to broach it:
“(Insert name), I just don’t feel the way I should feel, when I want to be with someone.”
It’s suitably vague, pins no blame, saves you citing a reason, but makes it clear the feelings/spark/whatever isn’t there for you.
Good luck, once it’s done, you’ll feel massively relieved.

TiggerDatter · 11/11/2020 09:16

There’s nothing about being in your 50s or older (or younger) that makes you less deserving of love and respect than anyone else. It’s timeless.

Being ‘swept off your feet’ sounds a bit revolting to me but good sex is an absolute must as is financial independence. I’m 58. My DP stays here four nights a week and contributes £25 cash per night towards food, gin, WiFi, power etc. He cooks supper and brings me tea in the morning. We have amazing sex. And he’s nice.

This man sounds like a cocklodger OP and you sound like you need to be shot of him.

Requinblanc · 11/11/2020 09:18

Why would you stay with someone you don't even fancy/find attractive?

Get rid of him. Older women get the message that they should be grateful for the attention of any man which is of course complete rubbish. Enjoy life on your own and only date people you are truly attracted to...

LilyLongJohn · 11/11/2020 09:18

Of course you're not being unreasonable to want to be swept off your feet, we all do regardless of age.

I'm afraid it sounds like he ticked all the boxes and due to your abusive ex he seemed like a safe bet. Trouble is, you don't actually fancy him and you're realising that you also need a bit of fun and excitement to the mix. You're allowed to admit that you didn't get this right and move on.

Plus he does sound like he thinks he's into a winner with you and could easily turn out to be a cocklodger.

blueangel19 · 11/11/2020 09:35

Run a mile. You do not even like him . Also, may be he will show his true colours once you try to leave him. Good luck and do not settle for less than you want and deserve.

MrsVogon · 11/11/2020 23:15

You can do better than this. Fact is he's moved himself in within 10 months, doesn't contribute and seems to be financially immature. He might be nice, but you are the meal ticket for him!💷💷💷 How on earth did you let him move in if you don't really fancy him either 🤷‍♀️.

People get swept off their feet across all ages, but it sounds like you need more help with your self esteem. If you weren't living together, I'd say carry on dating him...but it's too late for that...he's got his feet right under your table!

Hathertonhariden · 11/11/2020 23:22

Dump him. He's a drain on your finances and knocking your self esteem. Don't settle for him, you don't know what you might be missing whilst you're in an unfulfilling relationship with him. At the end of the day far better to be single than living like this.

iluvgab · 11/11/2020 23:27

He's 51, rents a room in a house, has no savings, no pension and seems to spend all his money in the pub or online shopping!!

Get rid. He sees you as his pension in old age. He'll be hoping/assuming you have pension prevision in place. You own a mortgage free house. You have small businesses. You're a great catch and he knows it.....
He's 51 and rents a room in a house - no house of his own, no savings, no pension... FUCKING HELL....

And then you say he "moved himself in". I bet he did.
My ex has "moved himself in" with his new girlfriend (quite a lot older than him, owns own house, good job etc.). Ex is a professional cocklodger/hobosexual. He "moved himself in" with me too.
Fucking hell my blood runs cold at that phrase!!
He can "move himself out" now too.

Get rid of him ASAP. He is not good for you. He will waste all the money you have saved for your retirement down the pub and buying crap online. You are far far better off single and financially secure than with some loose cannon cocklodger sitting pretty in your house.
You don't need to be swept off your feet but you do need someone who is bringing something to the table and at your age they should be in a financially similar position to you. Sorry to be so blunt and to sound like I only care about money but it's a different scenario getting together with someone later on in life than when 2 25 year olds embark on a life together where they will build up assets and provide for their future.

Please get him gone.(Preferably before he gives notice on his rented room...)

AcrossthePond55 · 11/11/2020 23:38

He's a cocklodger, no wonder you don't feel 'swept off your feet'! Now, sweep him out the door.

As far as one's age and being 'swept off your feet', I think it would have a different meaning to me at 56 than it did at 26. At 56 I think it would have more to do with feeling secure, respected as a person, and relaxed about who someone is rather than 'stars and fireworks' and a tingling in the pit of my stomach.

HollowTalk · 11/11/2020 23:38

Yet another cocklodger. Get rid.

MinxyMay · 11/11/2020 23:40

Having no pension?

Why does having no pensiont go against someone Confused? Or no savings for that matter. Some people are just poor. There is nothing wrong with renting a room at 51 - you can have had a hard life, and be 'full of life' but dealt some blows.

But - first base - he doesn't sound great OP, you're not feeling it, so .... ta-ra I guess it is.

MinxyMay · 11/11/2020 23:43

But your headline "swept off your feet" question - OP - I can't answer that I'm afraid. Maybe Pond55 has a point ...? I wish I knew!

closetalker · 11/11/2020 23:47

He's slowly moved himself in but doesn't help pay for bills and still pays rent to his landlady. I feel he's actually keeping his options open! Sex isn't very often and isn't great for me, altho he seems happy!

He hasn't just moved himself in. You've been passive and allowed him too! You are with someone you feel isn't committed to you. You are with someone who you don't connect with sexually!

Stop being passive and take control of your future. This man isn't going to make you happy long term. He isn't even making you happy now...

MinxyMay · 11/11/2020 23:55

V good advice close

iluvgab · 11/11/2020 23:57

Why does having no pensiont go against someone confused? Or no savings for that matter. Some people are just poor. There is nothing wrong with renting a room at 51 - you can have had a hard life, and be 'full of life' but dealt some blows.

Because they are completely mismatched financially.
Because he's taking the piss by moving himself in and then not contributing to bills etc.
Because the OP will permanently be subsidizing him.

MinxyMay · 12/11/2020 00:12

Not necessarily iluv. I haven't got a pension, or savings. Does that make me a shit person? Just pointing that out.

"Mismatched financially" - what does that mean? It could mean a number of things. Doesn't have to mean subsidising, though it could.

The cocklodger thing I get, obviously. He doesn't sound great (the pub, the lack of sexual attraction).

MinxyMay · 12/11/2020 00:14

I think its more the "whole" person. And maybe OP is not ultimately that enamoured, though she is trying to convince herself perhaps ...

Opentooffers · 12/11/2020 00:15

You've been seeing him 10 months! He's not slowly moved in, he's slipped in quickly while you weren't looking for some reason. I think you bar was set to just someone who doesn't appear to control me - which is too low, that's a given from the off, not where your settings should stop at. I think you will find that, he's not even meeting your low bar though, as moving in by stealth, without asking, is showing a form of control, he's not asking you what you want. He's not paying his way either, likely why he didn't ask, as that would make it formal, then there'd be expectation that he'd have to dip his hand in.
Attraction isn't just physical, it's about feeling respect and admiration for the things they do. There's a bit of a reasonable list of behaviour there that a lot of people would find unattractive, don't you think that might be a cause? It would put me right off, no matter how physically appealing - which won't last if he spends hours down the pub, he'll age quickly.

katy1213 · 12/11/2020 00:43

He's 51, has no home of his own, no financial security, spends his money in the pub and he's no good in bed ...
No wonder he's happy. You are WAY out of his league!
Even if it is unlikely that you'll be swept off your feet, you don't have to settle for what's there, or for what no-one else wants.

katy1213 · 12/11/2020 00:47

PS For the future, don't let anyone leave as much as a toothbrush in your bathroom.

iluvgab · 12/11/2020 08:56

Not necessarily iluv. I haven't got a pension, or savings. Does that make me a shit person? Just pointing that out.

No and nobody is saying you are a shit person.
Not everyone who has no pension and no savings "moves themself in" with some woman they've known for only a few months and then doesn't contribute towards bills etc.
The guy in question is an opportunist cocklodger who has seen the OP coming and thought this is a great way to secure his financial future in retirement - she has her own mortgage-free home, businesses, savings and a pension and he has nothing to bring to the table.
So yes, they are financially mismatched and he is a user.

Having had two exes like this and being in a very stable financial situation myself, there is no way I would live with anyone again who is not in a similar financial position. Sorry if that offends. It doesn't mean I think that someone is a shit person if they have little or nothing.
There are unfortunately a lot of people around, male and female, who see someone else as a meal ticket... especially those in their 50s early 60s who might realize their retirement is not going to be that great because of lack of financial planning or unfortunate events in their lives.
Disclaimer.... I know that not everyone is like that!!! but if you are a woman with property and savings behind you, you have to be hyper-aware of being used.

lilybetsy · 12/11/2020 11:14

I'm 55 and in a similar position to you; own my house and have a decent pension. I'm single and as someone said upthread would not be interested in a relationship with anyone who is not in a similar financial position to me.
Been there, done that and got very burned
he's a user, would you move into someone's home and offer NO financial help ? Thought not, so dont let him. .....
The sex is crap for you ? he really has no purpose does he...
get rid !

TopOfTheCliff · 12/11/2020 15:25

I’m not going to comment on the Cocklodger because others have already given you advice.
My experience starting again at 50 has been lovely. I met a very kind decent man and after 3 years together we bought a house. After 6 we got married. Now I am battling with breast cancer and a broken leg and he is keeping me fed and clean and without him I would be stuffed! He makes me laugh even with everything that is going on and he is gorgeous. I am happier at 60 than ever despite everything.
Don’t settle for less. You are young enough to have high standards. Hell everybody should at any age,
Sending hugs