What's normal in terms of sharing housework when you have a young baby?

[HornbeamLane]

Hi all
I'm just wondering what I should expect. I have a 4 month old baby who's entirely breastfed. Needless to say I do all the nights.
From 6 weeks on my partner told me off for not cooking dinner in the evening which I was quite shocked about. I generally do largely all of the housework thought I previously paid a cleaner to come 2 hours once a fortnight to help.
We've since moved to a much bigger house. I have no cleaner, packed all the boxes myself and dp does nothing in the house at all.
He has a job he hates where he does the minimum and wfh most of the time due to covid.
When he cooks, he makes quick meals and is able to do them fast because he's not got the baby in hand or needing to attend to her as I have her. He also doesn't cook complex meals and leaves the more time consuming stuff to me so he just thinks everything is easy.
I've tried instilling that he does bath time and I cook (or vice versa) but this has been thrown in my face as apparently it takes ten minutes to make dinner (insinuating I'm lazy).
To be clear, if I cook I'll make a bolognaise, or maybe grilled marinaded chicken with salad, cous cous and home made tahini. Again, he thinks the chicken dish in particular is a ten minute meal... I'm not sure how but he thinks that's a "quick" meal.
We've been fighting severely as I'm at breaking point. Sunday I nearly left him at home with the baby and sobbed telling him he makes me miserable and like I want to hang myself. I know it was awful to say but I don't think he understands the level of exhaustion I'm at. Where we moved I packed all the boxes and have been slowly unpacking too. He took three days off and spent that time sourcing a tv and doing little else. I do a load of washing each day etc and have surpassed my pre baby weight already because the baby need to be walked in the buggy to nap.
I'm ruining my relationship because I'm so tired and a misery to be around because I'm depleted. Sex is also non existant for the same reasons.
We're literally on the verge of breaking up and I suppose what I'm asking is 1. What do others do with their dps, what is their routine in terms of housework where they have a young baby and 2. Am I being unreasonable to think I'm not supported?
I feel dp is diluted as he thinks i should be able to stay up in the evenings with him to watch a film and then transition the baby to bed after the film... I recently told him to piss off and for the first time she's now sleeping from 7.30 where she comes up to bed with me in a dark room with no tv. Previously dd was up until 10/11pm at times because he would refuse to turn down the lights or volume on the tv / make noise etc and says "when babies are tired, they sleep" whilst I'd grit my teeth watching a film with him to please him. Even writing this sounds mad.
Can anyone offer me some advice?

He sounds like a right shit and YANBU. My DH entirely took over cooking and some food the cleaning whilst we had a young baby. I wasn't coping with the broken sleep and couldn't have done what you're doing myself, hell no. It's a partnership. Two parents. Not one do nothing and the other everything.

He told you off? You're not there to be his housekeeper and entertainer.

It's not normal to be treated badly or to be so desperate you feel suicidal. Do you still feel that way?

The most generous interpretation here is that he's failing to pull his weight, but given that he tells you off and you end up doing things you don't want in order to appease him it seems worse than that.

What was he like before the baby? Did he pull his weight then?

It's a partnership. Two parents. Not one do nothing and the other everything.

I agree with this.

OP,

He's a nasty, selfish piece of shit.

This is NOT normal.

Have you family or friends to call on for support?

He sounds like an absolute pig.

So don't try and convince yourself that this is normal.

What he always a lazy twat or is this new?

I hope you are going back to work.

I am so sorry that such a special times has been so exhausting with zero support.

I doubt there’s one ‚normal‘ division but breastfeeding in the early months is a big chunk of time out of the day. Because of this we decided the other parent would do all the housework and cooking after work and we got the shopping delivered. We went to sleep at the same time, around 8pm, and watched TV together in the middle of the night when the baby got hungry (using a headphone splitter).

He sounds absolutely horrible OP I'm so sorry and so sorry you're going through this.

What an inconsiderate man!

DH and I split chores and he does more as I'm breastfeeding.

I don't think I've said this before in a thread but please leave him.

He sounds like a nasty, selfish shit.

There's many ways for 'normal' couples to arrange things and as long as they work for the couple then that's fine.

What he wants isn't normal. You deserve better.

You both pitch in and do what you can around the baby because they're fucking hard work. That, with a few arguments about who is most tired, and letting standards slip massively.

When my first was really young I felt like I should have done something with my day, something productive, I was used to ticking off tasks at work and felt like I wasnt achieving anything. I always remember my husband saying 'your job is to keep the baby alive. We will figure out everything else when I get home'. He would come home and empty the dishwasher, and take the baby while I cooked (I like cooking and it made me feel 'normal' again). He would do bath time. He would tidy up and wash up etc while I did the cluster feeding. If the sleep was bad he would sometimes get up and walk the baby around the streets in a sling to give me a bit of a break from feeding. We had a cleaner and that didnt change even though I was at home. When the baby was in more of a routine I'd gradually take on more housework and jobs when she napped in the day.
I dont know if it was normal but it felt fair - we were both about equal in how knackered we were and how much free time we had. We both stopped going out / hobbies for a few months until we had a bit more of a routine and bed time wasnt a soul destroying 1.5 hours of cluster feeding and repeated attempts at putting the baby down.

I think him getting annoyed about housework shows that a. He thinks it's a mothers job to do housework rather than a fathers or everyones job and b. He actually has no idea what is involved in looking after a young baby because if he did he would not expect a dinner and c. He thinks that he is in charge (telling you off for not cooking dinner). None of these bode well really. Does he ever look after the baby for extended periods of time, bar the feeding? You could try this? It might help him see that you cant cook a restaurant quality meal while looking after a baby but I'm not sure it will stop the misogyny or superiority complex. How does he think things will change when you go back to work? Is he suddenly going to step up and do half again? Would he consider couples counselling?

He is disgustingly lazy. A sexist pain in the arse. Make a list of all the things you do - give him that list. He may or may not choose to read it but at least you'll have set it all out. Depending on his actions, take it from there.

The fact he told you off for not making dinner says it all. Who does he think he is? Think very carefully about staying with this kind of man if he doesn't commit to change. This type will run you into the ground and your relationship with him will be a misery.

Life's too short for some things and people. You weren't born with him, you'd survive without him. Cleaner house and less to do too, even with baby.

Advice?

Leave him. This is not normal and it won’t get any better. Leave now.

Absolutely look at leaving this situation. He's abusive. It never gets better, I speak from bitter experience.

This isn’t normal. He’s telling you off for not making a home made meal in the evening!? If he wants one, he can do it - particularly given that you’ve lost so much weight. You sound utterly exhausted; if you’re walking miles a day, breastfeeding and doing everything in a big house coupled with feeling massive resentment towards the one person who should be helping and supporting you no wonder you’re at breaking point. Why does he expect you to sit and watch a film in the evening? Also, I agree at 4 months it’s good to start getting your DD into a routine of going to bed around 7.30 into a dark quiet room. It worked for both of mine. Time to start setting some boundaries with your DH.

God this is horrific. Does he actually do anything for/with the baby? Does he make you feel loved or supported in any way? I'm afraid I would be thinking whether I would be better off on my own. Can't believe he's expecting you to make his dinner when you have a newborn.

What a piece of shit he is. I didn't bf my children and we still divided all household/ baby tasks. Took turns in making dinner. The person not on dinner duty sorted out bottle washing and making up bottles for next day. We took turns in doing night feeds. I did all the laundry, but he did garden, bins etc and we both blitzed house cleaning at weekends.

Housework division is not your problem, being stuck with an arsehole is! See and solicitor and plan your exit strategy

@wirldsgonemad

Housework division is not your problem, being stuck with an arsehole is! See and solicitor and plan your exit strategy

She called him "partner" so looks like she's unmarried unfortunately and therefore no marital rights to speak of that would need a solicitor. Hopefully she has her name on the house or she may be seeing herself and baby made homeless soon by her boyfriend.

OP, on a practical level, I know he does no housework now but he's (I assume) contributing financially (and you don't need to be doing his share of washing etc if you're utterly exhausted) so things are not actually going to get better practically if you leave him. If you're indeed unmarried, you're in a vulnerable situation and depending on your maternity plans, things could be very dire for you financially since the only thing he would be obligated to pay in any split is CMS (and it's fairly easy for men to get out of paying it). Have you requested for you and him to go for couples counselling ? This is the most stressful time for couples and is worth seeing whether he will change his behaviour with the involvement of a third party, before pulling the plug on family life.

To be honest I've not gone quietly. I've thrown every insult possible at him now to try and get him to help which I know is wrong and according to him I've ruined our relationship. He says he used to love me but can't understand the person ive become.
I've just been so tired I've ended up shouting insults and yelling him about how little he does. I also threaten our relationship weekly in a bid to get him to take me seriously.
Since our last argument at the weekend he says he now wants to leave but is wanting to stay in the house together to co raise our child whilst we lead separate lives... ive said no and that he should move out until house is sold. However he's said he won't move out, and he won't let me go with our dd.
We're not married, own the house 50/50
I earn more than he does by quite a long way at the moment so I could support myself financially.
It's just sad because it's never what I've wanted and I feel I've made our relationship a toxic one from my retaliation to his behaviour. He's never apologised for a single thing (he seems to have a complex over that) and has hugely unrealistic expectations and he doesn't see how he's crippled me or caused any issue at all. He literally thinks he's done nothing wrong and thinks he's a stand up supportive partner.
Last week he cooked twice and took the baby for 5 hours on Sunday when I was a sobbing mess and things he's superman for it. He also used a new leaf blower he bought to clear leaves in the garden, and again, wants a pat on the back but yet won't do any housework.
It feels like I'm going mad.

@LilyWater this is what I'm thinking; when I do it alone it'll be just as hard but at least I'd only have to pick up / do things for myself and if he has dd then I'd have whole free days to catch up with things in which case overall my life would be easier?
I know he would only pay csa and at the moment would want an equal split with baby so presumably he wold have to contribute 50/50 to nursery when I go back, or does that lie with me as her mother?

It makes me feel so much better hearing that others have so much help and that mine isn't very supportive. Equally it's so sad because I don't think he will ever see the issue here and so it sounds like I really have no choice but to leave. I never wanted this for my dd and it makes me so, so sad. I came from a broken home and never wanted this for her and I don't think he will make it easy for me...

However he's said he won't move out, and he won't let me go with our dd.

He doesn't have a choice. You're her primary carer and the relationship is ending. He's not going to do 50/50 op and you can't take a breast fed baby 50/50 anyway. You need legal advice.

At that age, DP did cooking, got me cups of tea, spent hours with DS in the bath (my only break - DS wasn't a great baby!), did the occasional nappy, worried about me being exhausted to the extent of once sitting there with a pre-made bottle of milk absolutely paralysed with indecision around whether to give it to the baby or wake me up to feed him, because he knew I wanted to solely breastfeed, but also could see I was so tired I needed the sleep.

When it came to housework, it was just the bare minimum from either of us.

I think the key difference was that he wouldn't have dreamed of having a go at me for not cooking/cleaning/whatever! That's what stands out to me.

And yes, he really doesn't get to tell you what you can and can't do with a breast-fed baby. If you want to leave, you can leave.

Was he this lazy with housework before you got pregnant?

whose idea was it to buy the house?

My XH did ziltch, a big fat zero. He was extremely resentful of DD (who he wanted and was planned).

@IFwithloadsofchocolate

However he's said he won't move out, and he won't let me go with our dd.

He doesn't have a choice. You're her primary carer and the relationship is ending. He's not going to do 50/50 op and you can't take a breast fed baby 50/50 anyway. You need legal advice.

The thing is they own the house 50/50 and they're unmarried. It's just as much his house as hers so she has no more rights to stay over him (no legal recourse as there is in marriage), child or not. She can offer to buy him out of his share if she has the money to do so, but if he refuses then I assume the only solution would be for the house to be sold and the proceeds divided in half and they both find somewhere else to live.

The relationship doesn't sound unsalveable though. Being completely exhausted as the OP understandably is, makes any arguments 10x worse. I would really suggest counselling.