What's normal in terms of sharing housework when you have a young baby?

[HornbeamLane]

Hi all
I'm just wondering what I should expect. I have a 4 month old baby who's entirely breastfed. Needless to say I do all the nights.
From 6 weeks on my partner told me off for not cooking dinner in the evening which I was quite shocked about. I generally do largely all of the housework thought I previously paid a cleaner to come 2 hours once a fortnight to help.
We've since moved to a much bigger house. I have no cleaner, packed all the boxes myself and dp does nothing in the house at all.
He has a job he hates where he does the minimum and wfh most of the time due to covid.
When he cooks, he makes quick meals and is able to do them fast because he's not got the baby in hand or needing to attend to her as I have her. He also doesn't cook complex meals and leaves the more time consuming stuff to me so he just thinks everything is easy.
I've tried instilling that he does bath time and I cook (or vice versa) but this has been thrown in my face as apparently it takes ten minutes to make dinner (insinuating I'm lazy).
To be clear, if I cook I'll make a bolognaise, or maybe grilled marinaded chicken with salad, cous cous and home made tahini. Again, he thinks the chicken dish in particular is a ten minute meal... I'm not sure how but he thinks that's a "quick" meal.
We've been fighting severely as I'm at breaking point. Sunday I nearly left him at home with the baby and sobbed telling him he makes me miserable and like I want to hang myself. I know it was awful to say but I don't think he understands the level of exhaustion I'm at. Where we moved I packed all the boxes and have been slowly unpacking too. He took three days off and spent that time sourcing a tv and doing little else. I do a load of washing each day etc and have surpassed my pre baby weight already because the baby need to be walked in the buggy to nap.
I'm ruining my relationship because I'm so tired and a misery to be around because I'm depleted. Sex is also non existant for the same reasons.
We're literally on the verge of breaking up and I suppose what I'm asking is 1. What do others do with their dps, what is their routine in terms of housework where they have a young baby and 2. Am I being unreasonable to think I'm not supported?
I feel dp is diluted as he thinks i should be able to stay up in the evenings with him to watch a film and then transition the baby to bed after the film... I recently told him to piss off and for the first time she's now sleeping from 7.30 where she comes up to bed with me in a dark room with no tv. Previously dd was up until 10/11pm at times because he would refuse to turn down the lights or volume on the tv / make noise etc and says "when babies are tired, they sleep" whilst I'd grit my teeth watching a film with him to please him. Even writing this sounds mad.
Can anyone offer me some advice?

I'm so sorry you're in this position OP and you're quite right that it's not acceptable and that you need to call him out on it.

BF can be exhausting and relentless, especially when you're still doing regular night feeds.

It doesn't of course mean you can't do anything else, but at the same time a loving partner would/should want to help with at least a good proportion of the domestic tasks.

As a pp said it's a partnership and there are times when one of you needs more support than the other and vice versa. Other times you'll find an equal balance.

A partner isn't someone who does the bare minimum and offers criticism of everything else - that's a selfish bugger.

I think a lot of women get gaslighted into believing this is normal after having a child - the man works and she should do everything else and it sets a tone for the rest of the relationship.

So you're absolutely right to put your foot down now.

@DeRigueurMortis im so sorry to hear this. That must be so painful, particularly where you've done everything for them all this time. Having him now swoop in and take them half the time must be really soul destroyingly hard. I wish I could give you a big hug and make it better. Equally perhaps it will give you more time for you, and mean when you have them, you will have such lovely quality time that they'll love you all the more for it?

DP today didnt help me with DD. But Mum is over tomorrow so he will take her for a couple of hours then. Also TBF to him, he did actually spend 20 minutes sterilising and trying to get her to take a bottle. He started by asking me to do all the prep but I refused as he would need to do it without me and he actually did the sterilising and tried to give her a bottle. First attempt failed as he tried to feed her when she was crying to be fed, but he later tried when she was all chirpy and she started chewing the teet and taking a bit of it so I think in time she will take it in time if he persists.

We had a brief chat today again which largely went the same as on other days. He thinks I'm crazy (due to having lost my marbles as mentioned in the original post) and I told him I think he's lazy. We both want it to work but whether it will is unknown because as @billy1966 said, live fades quickly in this environment.

Im also finding myself daydreaming of the life I'd have being alone. It'd largely be what I have now, minus the man child. Though equally when I have soppy moments I do love him. I just wish he wasn't such a selfish shit.

@billy1966 you're spot on in what you said. He has always been like this but it became an issue when I fell pregnant.

Being quite candid about it I think he think he's actually doing quite a lot. Before he met me he used to get a takeaway largely everyday, lived in his fathers home rent free (a house his father bought for the family), lived in his overdraft and went out every night to pubs. I'm obviously not painting a great picture, but I think that's why he thinks he's such a saint now. He didn't even have any cooking equipment in the house. He used to get all his clothes dry cleaned and had no one in his home because it was a state.

Writing this makes me really wonder what an idiot I was to think he wouldn't be as lazy as he is.... I feel so stupid. However I'm determined that my DD will not grow up with this as if I tolerate it, so will she