What's normal in terms of sharing housework when you have a young baby?

[HornbeamLane]

Hi all
I'm just wondering what I should expect. I have a 4 month old baby who's entirely breastfed. Needless to say I do all the nights.
From 6 weeks on my partner told me off for not cooking dinner in the evening which I was quite shocked about. I generally do largely all of the housework thought I previously paid a cleaner to come 2 hours once a fortnight to help.
We've since moved to a much bigger house. I have no cleaner, packed all the boxes myself and dp does nothing in the house at all.
He has a job he hates where he does the minimum and wfh most of the time due to covid.
When he cooks, he makes quick meals and is able to do them fast because he's not got the baby in hand or needing to attend to her as I have her. He also doesn't cook complex meals and leaves the more time consuming stuff to me so he just thinks everything is easy.
I've tried instilling that he does bath time and I cook (or vice versa) but this has been thrown in my face as apparently it takes ten minutes to make dinner (insinuating I'm lazy).
To be clear, if I cook I'll make a bolognaise, or maybe grilled marinaded chicken with salad, cous cous and home made tahini. Again, he thinks the chicken dish in particular is a ten minute meal... I'm not sure how but he thinks that's a "quick" meal.
We've been fighting severely as I'm at breaking point. Sunday I nearly left him at home with the baby and sobbed telling him he makes me miserable and like I want to hang myself. I know it was awful to say but I don't think he understands the level of exhaustion I'm at. Where we moved I packed all the boxes and have been slowly unpacking too. He took three days off and spent that time sourcing a tv and doing little else. I do a load of washing each day etc and have surpassed my pre baby weight already because the baby need to be walked in the buggy to nap.
I'm ruining my relationship because I'm so tired and a misery to be around because I'm depleted. Sex is also non existant for the same reasons.
We're literally on the verge of breaking up and I suppose what I'm asking is 1. What do others do with their dps, what is their routine in terms of housework where they have a young baby and 2. Am I being unreasonable to think I'm not supported?
I feel dp is diluted as he thinks i should be able to stay up in the evenings with him to watch a film and then transition the baby to bed after the film... I recently told him to piss off and for the first time she's now sleeping from 7.30 where she comes up to bed with me in a dark room with no tv. Previously dd was up until 10/11pm at times because he would refuse to turn down the lights or volume on the tv / make noise etc and says "when babies are tired, they sleep" whilst I'd grit my teeth watching a film with him to please him. Even writing this sounds mad.
Can anyone offer me some advice?

*unsalvageable

We already did counselling and it just cost me a fortune. I paid about £1k in all. There was so much ground to cover that it felt it would be endless and dp generally overtook the sessions where he would say XYZ and I was so exhausted I couldn't event recollect to argue his point. I did later have my own session though alone and that was more productive so I may do that to stop this type of relationship repeating in the future
Me and dp have spoken calmly this morning and he seems to feel my explosive behaviour is what's ruining our relationship. I've explained that I'd actually be better off if I was single and that it is telling about how things have been so far. I think he's seen my point. Trouble is when you're that exhausted you will explode, no matter how sad it is, I think I've done it over being pregnant and knackered with the newborn to the extent of ruining my relationship

No.
He has ruined the relationship by continually ignoring the desperate requests from the mother of his child that he pull his weight looking after his.own.child.

I am also on a mainly male cycling forum where someone recently asked for advice, as a soon-to-be-Dad.
"Get stuck in, and, if in doubt, do what your partner wants - because giving birth and feeding a baby is insanely hard", was the consensus. They would have some harsh words for your partner I'm afraid.

OP,

He has desperately let down both his child and it's mother at a critical time when breastfeeding can be hugely beneficial but a right exhausting dose for the feeding mother.
Constant breastfeeding was a dose for ME.
I certainly couldn't have donevit if I had an abusive, selfish, nasty little shit shit of a husband expecting a spotless house and beautifully cooked meal.

What a selfish prick.

Get the hell out of there and tell EVERYONE about his expectations.

He deserves to be lynched.

Protect yourself.
Reach out for support IRL.

You have not ruined your relationship, he has.
And better your child grows up with separated parents than seeing you being treated like dirt

Please stop thinking this is you, it really isn’t.

He’s being useless! My partner could be out the house for 14-15 hours a day when I was pregnant or on maternity and would just crack on and do everything I didn’t do all day when he got home if I couldn’t get anything done.

We shared. We both kept going until everything was done, then we sat down together. Caring for a baby or toddler is harder than going to work. Luckily dh understood that as after maternity leave I went back to a 12 hour Saturday shift whilst he had sole charge. I came home to mayhem on Saturday night. But he never expected a meal on the table or not to help when he got home from work.

he sounds like an absolute piece of shit. Unfortunately men like this often don't show their true colours until the baby has arrived.
Stand your ground, he needs to do the cooking or starve. Lazy twat.

I have an 11 week old FF baby, DP does from whenever I go to bed/want free time in the evening to 1, then I get up at 4 and have DD til he's home from work when one of us sorts out DD and one does dinner/peripheral chores. I generally do all washing and cleaning like bathroom in the day unless DD has been particularly awful. Some days one of us will be tired/not in the mood and so the other will step in and take DD. DP does hoovering/lawn etc at weekends, and cooks.
So that's one example where I'm not even breastfeeding, if I were then he'd be doing more housework if I was doing all the night feeds. You haven't ruined the relationship, he has. Sleep deprivation is an absolute bitch and can make you feel desperate and on edge-he should be able to recognise this and at the least make allowances for you and at best bloody help you out. It almost sounds like he's gaslighting you making out it's all your fault when you're making it patently clear he isn't doing enough, and it's destroying you. If he were to admit he is in the wrong then he'd have to do more, and he finds it easier to blame you. I would leave with the baby and stay with family if you can, and contact a women's charity to see if you can get some legal advice re house and custody. for you-life won't be like this forever.

Threads like this make me so bloody angry. I know how you feel OP, my ex promised if I kept the baby (was unplanned) he would help me do everything, he said he would do 50 /50 childcare, housework etc. When it came down to it he did absolutely sod all, and couldn't understand why I was so resentful. Why the hell are so many women left to do absolutely everything after having a baby? I remember feeling like nothing but a slave, whist his life hardly changed at all. He got a full nights sleep each night and went off with his mates during the day. Splitting up was the best thing i ever did, it removed the pressure of having someone expecting so much from me. And it also meant he took DC once a fortnight so I could eventually get a small break, he would never ever look after them when we were together!

Sleep deprivation may be affecting how your anger manifests itself but it is NOT the reason you are angry - him being a total useless and uncaring and selfish father and partner is what's making you angry and that is completely justified! His behaviour is the root problem NOT your reactions to it. Please please don't blame yourself. Maybe you should show him this thread!

The thing is they own the house 50/50 and they're unmarried. It's just as much his house as hers so she has no more rights to stay over him (no legal recourse as there is in marriage), child or not. She can offer to buy him out of his share if she has the money to do so, but if he refuses then I assume the only solution would be for the house to be sold and the proceeds divided in half and they both find somewhere else to live.

I meant he can't stop her from leaving. She can leave whenever she pleases. With the baby.

I really understand how you are feeling. I have DD coming 3 in Jan and DS 19mo and i work 25hrs a week as a nurse. My husband doesnt do 1 thing to help. He had a go at me on sat because I was too tired to cook after 8pm and he ordered a pizza and said that he had to order a pizza because I was too lazy to cook. I've just had enough. I havent cooked for him since sat and let him do his own washing etc. Hes from Romania and his family (his mum) thinks that a wife should wait hand and foot on her family and man just works. I've just had enough now, I'm so exhausted but feel I could cope on my own as I'm practically doing it anyway. Financially not sure how I'm going to be able to cope, but I need away from this toxic relationship.

You're working, looking after the toddler, pregnant and he wants dinner on the table at the weekend when presumably he's not working?
Does he do anything at all? Either in the house, with the kids? Does he work?

Oh I'm not pregnant I have 2 toddlers 1yr old and 2yr old. Yes he works and that's his reasoning to why he shouldnt have to do anything. Hes the provider and I'm the wife and mother!!! He plays a bit with the kids but doesnt do anything like really caring for them I do mostly everything. He earns good money and he thinks thats his bit for the family. I start work at either 7.30 or 8am and he has to get up 2 mornings a week and get them ready for my mum to lift them and take to nursery and put them to bed on a fri night when I work late and hes exhausted having to do that. I'm truly at the end of my tether. I told him last night that it looks like divorce is on the cards cos he cant see what he does as wrong.

@ACJD he forgets that in Romania you would have a huge support network of female relatives to help though.

Traditionally women may have done the house/children but they had a much bigger support from family, and they didnt bring in any cash

It seems many men seem to want to have the benefits of a traditional system, but expect the woman to do it all alone, and ALSO bring in a wage.

This sounds like an awful situation OP. I think it is such a shame that it got to the point where you have joined him in verbal slanging matches and the sense of being a team is now completely gone on both sides. As you have tried counselling and you still don't respect each other or communicate well I think it is time to end the relationship for everyone's sake.

Absolutely lots of support. Only support we have is my parents and that is it, so it's pretty tough.

@ACJD

He has shown you who he is.

Well done for stopping doing anything for him.

He sounds deeply unpleasant.

Don't hesitate to contact the police if he is in anyway abusive.

[quote billy1966]@ACJD

He has shown you who he is.

Well done for stopping doing anything for him.

He sounds deeply unpleasant.

Don't hesitate to contact the police if he is in anyway abusive.

[/quote]
Yeah pretty much. I dont see any happy future with him and tbh I'd rather get out now when my kids are small and dont really remember us as a family unit. So fed up of being treated like a dogsbody. I havent had 1 lie in since the day my daughter was born almost 3yrs ago. I literally do everything, outside work included. Just cant take it no more.

to co raise our child whilst we lead separate lives

He wants to co-parent and have separate lives? Well, that means he does half the childcare, and you get to stop doing things for him.

One day of each weekend he's now the primary parent. Can you express milk? If so, you can transition onto mixed feeding, and you'll be able to go out for half a day every weekend.

He can also do half the overnights (or at least do an expressed feed for half of the overnight feeds if your boobs would otherwise complain).

Split up the days of the week - he's now responsible for baby in the evening on Tuesdays and Thursdays, incl getting her to sleep (which I'm sure he'll find easy since babies sleep when they're tired.... ).

Obviously you won't be cooking for him anymore at all, but on Tues and Thurs you'll be able to cook for yourself without holding the baby!

So after a terrible week of fighting to the point if me b'asking dp to leave, dp took dd out for a walk for 1h30 during the day, hoovered and cleared up the kitchen and lounge... he's also letting me have a lie in by taking her tomorrow morning (I had her this morning, having both agreed at the W/e we should each get one lay-in) and I'm going to leave him with her again tomorrow for an hour or two to pick up some baby stuff with my mum.
Conversely, Im making a point if cooking dinner each night but am using slow cooker / one pot meals where I can to make it easier... I'm also doing pretty much everything else but this is certainly a step in the right direction, and it getting a lot easier now that I've unpacked the boxes from our moving house...
Perhaps there is hope after all..!
Has anyone had experiences if this type of thing ie dp being pretty crap and turning it around?
We had words this morning as he had used up all the loo roll and not replaced it, cleared the plates away from dinner and washed them (but left all the rest if the plates and glasses out, including the dinner I made which meant it bloody went off in the heat overnight ) but I guess I can see he's made an effort at the very least

That's a start and I hope it continues but he'll only keep it up if he has genuinely heard you and understands how this relationship needs to change. Otherwise as soon as he thinks you've "calmed down" both of you will revert to type I fear and be in the same place.

OP, it really is up to him.

He sounds like a very lazy selfish person.
He has happily left you to struggle with a new baby for months.

It really takes a particularly awful type of man to do that.

Things will only improve if he is prepared to contribute to the work involved with a baby and home.

Thank goodness you sound like a strong woman who isn't prepared to take being treated like shit lying down.

I hope you have a job to return to.

I would make sure you have support IRL and I would make sure your contraception is bullet proof.....though how you'd want someone like that hear you is hard to imagine!

I am sure he could change if he wanted to, but I suppose it really is a matter of trust.

I just wouldn't ever really trust someone so selfish to ever really have my back.

He just sounds so awful.
He sounds as if he doesn't really care about anyone but himself.

Lazy in his job.
Lazy in his home.
Lazy as a father.

I presume he was always like this and you have done everything but now it has become an issue because you have had a baby with him?

If this is the case I doubt he will change much.

He will always be this way, best case scenario he will do the very least he can get away with.

Love fades quickly in this environment.

Hope for the best, but definitely start preparing for the worst.

I would cease doing any cooking or laundry or anything at all that makes his life comfortable.

Also start detaching emotionally from him, this will show him you are serious about not tolerating his behaviour.

Get quietly organised in your head for being a single parent because the truth is it can be easier to do it alone than carrying a waster.

I apologise if I sound unduly negative.
Maybe someone more positive will come along soon.

Protect yourself OP.
You need to have your back.
Because he surely doesn't.

I could have written this post 4 years ago. Lazy partner, totally self absorbed, unwilling to do his part with child, now children. We have been on the rocks for years. I have finally made the decision to leave yesterday because he just will not pull his weight in the house and is not involved with myself or the kids.
He is now demanding 50:50 time with the kids even though he has barely spent 5 mins a day with them for the past year.
I wish I had pushed him harder to sort himself out earlier. I would suggest pushing him to do more now. Now he is doing some hoovering etc. Praise him and tell him you need him to. Get him doing a certain Child activity every day, bath time is a nice one. I could never get my partner to even clean the kids teeth let alone take the time to bath them. We are past the point of no return now where I do not love him at all anymore and it's all very sad and painful because he is now taking the children half the time even though I have pretty much had them 24/7 as basically a single parent, it's just awful. I hope you don't end up like me. Try to amend things now if you can. Best of luck