Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you marry him if you can’t stand his family?

63 replies

feiicia783 · 09/11/2020 23:40

My partner has one brother and one sister. His sister is so rude, she doesn’t even acknowledge me or my partner and walks right past us. But she’s really close with their brother’s wife who recently got married, and they do everything together like go shopping, go out to dinner etc. This new DIL also chooses to ignore me and my partner. My partner doesn’t have a good relationship with his siblings which explains why but these 2 girls come across really bitchy. I don’t like the idea of going into a family where I’m being left out and ignored by the girls, like who am I supposed to talk to in family get-togethers? My partner's family meet up with the extended family practically every weekend. To make it worse, the whole family and extended family are obsessed with this new DIL. On every family occasion she is the centre of attention so I can’t help but feel jealous. My MIL (to-be) is even more obsessed with her because MIL gets along so well with the new DIL’s mother. She’s the most loved by everyone, I can’t even compete. After coming out of really bad depression, I just want peace of mind over everything but I feel like I’ll always have anger and jealousy towards his family if I marry him.

I have my doubts about my partner due to his financial situation, and he has a bad temper at times but otherwise he’s very loving towards me. I told him my concerns with his family and he told me not to worry because I’m marrying him, not his family and he would move away with me if I really can’t stand them. But I worry he’ll resent me for this later down the line as he is close with his parents and extended family. I’m sure they will complain about us not visiting as often, and compare me to their amazing DIL who visits all the time, which will just make me more jealous. Also, it makes me sad that I won’t have any kind of sister in law relationship. I know if we move away I will still have to deal with them occasionally at family events so won’t really be getting away from the problem.

OP posts:
okokok000 · 09/11/2020 23:49

No. I've seen it eventually tear relationships / marriages apart on a number of occasions. Two that stick in my mind, the husbands were so happy / couldn't believe their luck cried at the wedding / it's you and me against the family (you get the drift), ultimately moves the goal posts a few years into marriage. Not saying the same will happen to you but personally I wouldn't want to take the risk. Throw in some kids and things will get trickier. Sorry.

Windmillwhirl · 09/11/2020 23:51

I have my doubts about my partner due to his financial situation

That's what you really need to be worrying about, not his infantile family

TwentyViginti · 09/11/2020 23:52

I have my doubts about my partner due to his financial situation, and he has a bad temper at times but otherwise he’s very loving towards me.

Two red flags right there, without the family issues on top.

HollowTalk · 09/11/2020 23:55

As the others have said, there are red flags all over your boyfriend. His family would make your life a complete misery anyway.

HollowTalk · 09/11/2020 23:56

Imagine having children with him and his family not speaking to you?

SandyY2K · 10/11/2020 00:10

No I wouldn't, especially ashe gas a bad temper.

SandyY2K · 10/11/2020 00:11

Typo
As he has a bad temper

Geppili · 10/11/2020 00:27

Tell us more about his bad temper. Red flag.

maryhadalittle · 10/11/2020 00:30

No op, steer clear from him. There's never a happy ending in families like this. You will always be left out, you will always be compared, your children will be left out and that will hurt you more! No sane person would be able to cope with this and truly be happy with this setting. Your partner is related to them, no matter how much he says he will be by your side, they are his family and never mind when they start manipulating him.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 10/11/2020 00:31

????? Difficult to imagine why you need to ask OP. But yes, if you need to hear it from someone else, you would be unusually foolish to marry a man with anger issues, financial issues, and a family who hates him and you.

Run, life isn't meant to be this hard.

HeddaGarbled · 10/11/2020 00:34

Bad temper, financial issues, spends every weekend with family he doesn’t get on with and who are mean to you. What’s not to like 🤷‍♀️

katy1213 · 10/11/2020 00:40

I'd be more bothered about temper/finances. I couldn't care less about sisters-in-law - but no way would I be seeing anyone's family every weekend!

TravelDreamLife · 10/11/2020 01:17

Tbh no. I married that guy. My situation was better in that DH, although financially inept, decided not to be (now works in finance lol). We've always been on the same page, had wonderful travels and trust, is equal at home (mostly), no red flags, really.

BUT I'd never have married him had I known what was waiting for me with his horrendous immediate family, which is just IL's & SIL. I might not have 'married his family' but they're ALWAYS in the picture, interfering, abusive, putting me down, ruining events & my life. They think they are just wonderful, helpful & always right. I'd have run very fast had I known. The extended family were fine. DH knows what they're like but will never reduce contact.

Marry him if he's your one. If you're even slightly unsure, don't subject yourself to a lifetime of the family.

KittCat · 10/11/2020 01:25

Bad temper, financial situation, toxic family...run!

mrssunshinexxx · 10/11/2020 01:27

No, take it from someone whose living this nightmare

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 10/11/2020 01:32

You sound jealous, who cares if they behave like this? Distance yourself and leave them to it.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/11/2020 01:38

No. If you have to ask then he's not the one for you.
Agree with the red flags re temper and money issues.
Family becomes a much bigger deal once you have kids. I used to love my in laws. Now we have fairly little contact as things are a bit sour these days.

GammyLeg · 10/11/2020 02:59

"I have my doubts about my partner due to his financial situation, and he has a bad temper at times but otherwise he’s very loving towards me."

No no no no. ANYONE can be considered a good partner if you're allowed to discount the worst parts of them!

You sound very young, leave now before there are children/ties. Or I guarantee you'll be back on this board in five years with a baby trying to extricate yourself from an even worse situation.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/11/2020 06:15

You have a chance to leave this man , take it!!!

He is enmeshed with his dysfunctional family of origin and he is the scapegoat within it. As a result you as his current partner and any children he goes onto have will be scapegoated as well. That is why you are and will continue to be ignored by these toxic people.

He is also mired in fear obligation and guilt re them and still seeks their approval, that they will never give him. There are other major red flags re this man ie poor financial management and his temper that you cannot or should not at all minimise either.

MillieVanilla · 10/11/2020 06:26

I am marrying my DP next summer (covid permitting)
He has a big family, and if I'm honest one of his sister's is an absolute cow who makes it abundantly obvious she doesn't like me.
She excludes me from everything, is downright condescending and rude and frankly, if I wasn't with her brother we would have nothing in common and wouldn't naturally be mates.
After 2 decades I don't really care anymore. I've come to realise she's like that to most people, including her own husband who is a lovely guy but must have the patience of a saint.
I just smile, nod and disregard her bullshit.
You can't let someone stop you from loving your partner. You're marrying him, not them.

RowanAlong · 10/11/2020 06:45

Oh god no - run! He doesn’t sound like a catch and having toxic family relationships will ruin your own future family ... get out now while no children involved!

user1493413286 · 10/11/2020 06:49

I think the fact that you have other doubts is important. I don’t think it’d be so bad if they only all got together a handful of times a year but how will you manage how often they get together? Would just he go or neither of you go? How would you work it with children?

Sohardtochooseausername · 10/11/2020 06:51

No

Shoxfordian · 10/11/2020 06:51

Bad temper and financial issues is enough reason not to marry him. Plus a horrible family. Run away while you still can

LauraBassi · 10/11/2020 06:56

Been there got the T-shirt. This is an issue that won’t go away. Honestly when I split with my ex I was so relieved not to have his family in my life anymore

However his bad temper is also a reason you need to walk away from this

Swipe left for the next trending thread