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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you marry him if you can’t stand his family?

63 replies

feiicia783 · 09/11/2020 23:40

My partner has one brother and one sister. His sister is so rude, she doesn’t even acknowledge me or my partner and walks right past us. But she’s really close with their brother’s wife who recently got married, and they do everything together like go shopping, go out to dinner etc. This new DIL also chooses to ignore me and my partner. My partner doesn’t have a good relationship with his siblings which explains why but these 2 girls come across really bitchy. I don’t like the idea of going into a family where I’m being left out and ignored by the girls, like who am I supposed to talk to in family get-togethers? My partner's family meet up with the extended family practically every weekend. To make it worse, the whole family and extended family are obsessed with this new DIL. On every family occasion she is the centre of attention so I can’t help but feel jealous. My MIL (to-be) is even more obsessed with her because MIL gets along so well with the new DIL’s mother. She’s the most loved by everyone, I can’t even compete. After coming out of really bad depression, I just want peace of mind over everything but I feel like I’ll always have anger and jealousy towards his family if I marry him.

I have my doubts about my partner due to his financial situation, and he has a bad temper at times but otherwise he’s very loving towards me. I told him my concerns with his family and he told me not to worry because I’m marrying him, not his family and he would move away with me if I really can’t stand them. But I worry he’ll resent me for this later down the line as he is close with his parents and extended family. I’m sure they will complain about us not visiting as often, and compare me to their amazing DIL who visits all the time, which will just make me more jealous. Also, it makes me sad that I won’t have any kind of sister in law relationship. I know if we move away I will still have to deal with them occasionally at family events so won’t really be getting away from the problem.

OP posts:

Windmillwhirl · 10/11/2020 07:01

A man with a bad temper and money problems and a family that likely revel in leaving you out and seeing you upset. It's not a life I'd sign up to.

Bury your head in the sand if you want, but none of that is going to just go away.

readingismycardio · 10/11/2020 07:12

I did marry him even if I don't stand his family, but they're far away and my husband is the most amazing man ever! He is handsome, kind, caring and he has a great financial situation. So do I, I definitely did not marry for money or crap like that but I'd sure as hell never marry a guy who expects me to support him financially.

Run, OP.

BreatheAndFocus · 10/11/2020 07:15

The bitchy girls wouldn’t worry me as much as his temper, the fact he sees his family every weekend, and his financial crapness.

The combination of those three things makes him sound very like my ex - a spoilt man-baby who’s never grown up. Ignore the sister and think very carefully about him. What’s he really like? Trust your gut and think forensically about him.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 10/11/2020 07:16

Financial issues , anger problems and batshit family does not make for a long happy marriage . Sorry .

Shinyletsbebadguys · 10/11/2020 07:19

Excluding the bad temper which would be a no anyway. I won't say I regret marrying exdh because I wouldn't have my DC. However if I had had an inkling as to how bad his family were before I married him I would have run for the hills.

One of my arguments with exdh when it all came to a head and he said the same thing, that I hadn't married his family but I had married him (in fairness he was no bloody prize in the end anyway) , I agreed. It was his behaviour about his family that caused the divorce. His inability to speak for himself or me and set any boundaries made me lose respect for him. His inability to cut the apron strings made me see him as less of an adult. His inability to protect me when his mother became batshit psycho from hell when I had ds1.

He was right ,I married him, and he failed to prevent his family make him behave like less of a partner.

If you have the option to run....run now.

Monty27 · 10/11/2020 07:20

OP maybe they don't want to get close to you as they know he's a wrong 'un.
Or they don't like him for some reason unknown to you.

Techway · 10/11/2020 08:18

What you describe is a very unhealthy family dynamic, golden child and scapegoat. Your partner hasn't dealt with his family issues himself and I doubt he would move away as he has to instigate a move not because of you.

I married into a toxic family, outwardly very nice, middle class but completely dysfunctional. Ex kept his distance but it had already impacted him since he had grown up in that environment. It is hard to imagine how much a child suffers (it is likely to be how you are experiencing) but it leaves a mark on them and it often causes anger later on..which is what you are seeing now. I would leave, as sad as you might feel it is the right thing to do. Your partner may make promises to you but he can't change his emotional reactions as they have been conditioned from his childhood.

Many of us who ignored these flags, because we didn't know any better, regret it deeply. I have my children but they are still exposed to their Dad's anger and his toxic family...if you find it tough can you imagine how any children of yours will feel?

JillofTrades · 10/11/2020 08:21

Run while you can. This is bad news all over. You do realise that he will always be willing to overlook their nastiness while you will be forced to deal with it.
Imagine having kids??

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 10/11/2020 08:33

I did. I liked his mum and dad and sisters well enough but his brothers are.obnoxious twerps, one of whom tried it on with me and another of whom has always been unpleasant towards me for no reason I can work out, other than DH's lifestyle changing when he met me and stopped going out drinking to excess every weekend. DH had little to do with his family anyway as there had been abuse at a young age and his siblings were very different to him, so it didn't really make much difference. My family became his family and although when he died, his lot acted heartbroken and were nice to me for a while, I've not seen hide nor hair of them for a year.

I think if DH had been less inclined to leave his family to it, and had tried to maintain a close relationship which meant that I felt excluded or unwelcome by his family, I would have struggled because it would suggest that he didn't see me as family in the same way, but he thought they were pretty toxic and didn't want to bother with them after his parents died.

Longwhiskers14 · 10/11/2020 08:38

How much of a financial mess is he is and what happens when he loses his temper – does he threaten you directly or does he rant and rage at the world in general? (Not that the latter is fine either, tbh.) Those two things would alarm me far more than a couple of bitchy in-laws.

Alys20 · 10/11/2020 08:43

omg no! Get your Nikes on. Doesn't matter how far away you two move, they are toxic and he'll feel a sense of obligation to them.

How dare they ignore you?!

Mylittlepony374 · 10/11/2020 08:51

No. I married my husband before I realized his sisters were like this. It's causing all sorts of issues. We had kids and it got worse. They constantly interfered, telling him what I was doing was wrong. Now they totally ignore me. To the point where at their Dads 60th recently they got family photos with everyone but me. Don't do it.

MadCatLady71 · 10/11/2020 09:14

I think if you are planning to spend THE ENTIRE REST OF YOUR LIFE with someone you’re best going into that without any doubts at all. You’ll definitely run up against problems and challenges along the way, but ideally you’d be starting out with confidence and hope. You’re already worried about his temper, his approach to finances and his family - none of those issues are going to magically go away.

dottiedodah · 10/11/2020 09:23

Isnt there a saying "You marry someone and their whole family as well" or something like that? I would be very wary TBH. You say DP has a terrible temper as well! I would be making plans to leave ASAP .If you ever have DC they will probably be left out as well .This would be harder still to cope with I think!

Murmurur · 10/11/2020 09:28

Depends where his head is at with it, and whether you would be a team. Nothing you've written suggests to me that he would have your back. It seems he tolerates being blanked and just comes back for more, it doesn't sound very healthy to me and if he tolerates this from others, what is to stop him thinking it's an acceptable way for him to treat you, down the line?

VettiyaIruken · 10/11/2020 09:30

Not in a million years. It is simply not worth it.

Princessposie · 10/11/2020 09:31

Definitely not.

ChickensMightFly · 10/11/2020 09:43

Ignoring the bad temper and financial issues which would be an issue. I did marry into a toxic family but it works because me and dh both take a dim view of their attitudes and now live at the other end of the country. We see them infrequently and when we do we support each other, put a brave face on for the sake of the kids and breathe a sigh of relief when it's over, and on a couple of occasions he has had a word with them to tell them they are out of order over something.
If I was having to compete against them for his affections, was being told I'm imagining things when they are rude, or was having to spend a lot of time with people who, let's face it, I wouldn't have in my life by choice... That would be a no, because ultimately those things would show that my dh didn't value the same standards of care and behaviour or me enough.

NeonGenesis · 10/11/2020 09:45

Bad temper. Financial problems. Spends lots of time with his family who treat you badly.

Why would you marry him?

PumpkinCheater · 10/11/2020 09:46

Normally I would say that it depends how your fiance feels and behaves towards them. If he shares your opinions and will stand up to his family effectively, then yes.

But your situation is different. Sounds like your fiance has a lot of problems regardless of his family. Also sounds like you have a bit of a strange, competitive attitude towards your potential SIL. So basically I wouldn't touch this with a bargepole.

user115632569541 · 10/11/2020 09:53

I have my doubts about my partner due to his financial situation, and he has a bad temper at times

The kind of temper where he "loses control" when you're not doing what he wants, but is oh so "loving" when you're compliant and everything is on his terms?

Scaryprospects · 10/11/2020 09:58

14 years later here and going through an awful divorce. His family destroyed us.

GameSetMatch · 10/11/2020 10:22

I’m not a fan of my husbands family and I’m sure they feel the same towards me , we only see them three or four times a year at most, everybody is polite and it works fine. I don’t know why you need to see them more than that anyway? Your husband can visit his parents without you some times it doesn’t need to be a big deal.

I’d be more concerned about his temper though.

JamminDoughnuts · 10/11/2020 10:25

do you like the DIL?
why are you jealous?

LittleBlueToday · 10/11/2020 10:33

This really depends on how he handles and interacts with his family. Does he support you? Properly? Has he ever stood up for you, and defended you?

My ex's family were like this. He also had financial issues. It was the finances that broke us up in the end. But I cannot tell you how fucking relieved I am to never, ever have to deal with his toxic family ever again.

If you are on here questioning your relationship, and, given the issues you've mentioned, I would say that you are probably looking for approval that it's OK to call it a day and leave him.

Life is infinitely better without toxic in laws. You'll be fine on your own, I promise.

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