Would you marry him if you can’t stand his family?

[feiicia783]

My partner has one brother and one sister. His sister is so rude, she doesn’t even acknowledge me or my partner and walks right past us. But she’s really close with their brother’s wife who recently got married, and they do everything together like go shopping, go out to dinner etc. This new DIL also chooses to ignore me and my partner. My partner doesn’t have a good relationship with his siblings which explains why but these 2 girls come across really bitchy. I don’t like the idea of going into a family where I’m being left out and ignored by the girls, like who am I supposed to talk to in family get-togethers? My partner's family meet up with the extended family practically every weekend. To make it worse, the whole family and extended family are obsessed with this new DIL. On every family occasion she is the centre of attention so I can’t help but feel jealous. My MIL (to-be) is even more obsessed with her because MIL gets along so well with the new DIL’s mother. She’s the most loved by everyone, I can’t even compete. After coming out of really bad depression, I just want peace of mind over everything but I feel like I’ll always have anger and jealousy towards his family if I marry him.

I have my doubts about my partner due to his financial situation, and he has a bad temper at times but otherwise he’s very loving towards me. I told him my concerns with his family and he told me not to worry because I’m marrying him, not his family and he would move away with me if I really can’t stand them. But I worry he’ll resent me for this later down the line as he is close with his parents and extended family. I’m sure they will complain about us not visiting as often, and compare me to their amazing DIL who visits all the time, which will just make me more jealous. Also, it makes me sad that I won’t have any kind of sister in law relationship. I know if we move away I will still have to deal with them occasionally at family events so won’t really be getting away from the problem.

Would you want to marry him given his financial problems and bad temper let alone his family of origin?. No.

The OP is not the problem here; her partner's family are. They are dysfunctional and he is the scapegoat within it. His sisters are the more favoured golden children and its a toxic family dynamic that started long before the OP arrived on the scene. He is enmeshed with them and seeks their approval even now hence the visits every weekend.

You are marrying his family though and while it is not too bad when it is just you and him (ignoring for a moment the other problems with him) add kids into the mix and it becomes horrible. These are your children’s aunts, uncles and grandparents. The situation is unlikely to resolve itself and more likely to get worse. The best you can hope for is that you can go no contact and even that is a depressing double edged sword as you are left feeling sad that your children don’t have that relationship. Why don’t you ask him if he is prepared to stand up for you against them now? it will tell you a lot about how your life would be.

There’s nothing to be gained by staying. You can’t find the magic words that will turn any of them into decent human beings.

If you stay and have children with him, they will treat your children with contempt too.

If you have kids and then split up, you’ll have to hand the kids over to him and his toxic family for contact and to be treated as second best compared to their cousins.

You deserve better. In fact I’d say being single would be much, much better than being ignored and trimester badly every weekend. Never mind the anger issues in the mean time.

Trimester = treated

“If you are on here questioning your relationship, and, given the issues you've mentioned, I would say that you are probably looking for approval that it's OK to call it a day and leave him.”

This. It sounds like there is too much wrong here.

If he has a bad temper , his family’s shitty attitude is the least of your problems , trust me on this . Keep on walking

I did. My DHs family is a train wreck. Married and within a year moved hundreds of miles away and we haven’t looked back. He’s much happier without them.

No. He has financial issues, a bad temper and a horrible family. Trust your instincts and end the relationship.

No - 3 red flags say it all.

Er...I suspect the bad temper is a reason behind him not being on good terms with his own siblings. Remember you're only a newcomer on the block here and there's a vast amount of family history/relationships which you don't know, and that that you do 'know' would be through the lens and biases of your boyfriend. I think there's much more to the story that you're not aware of. With a bad temper, why on earth are you even concerned about his family?? Get the heck out of there! ANYONE with a bad temper always takes it out on their spouses/partners sooner or later.

As PPs say, setting aside other issues much depends on how your DP speaks and acts as regards his family - including how he treats you and deals with family mistreatment of you.

Eg I know a couple each with difficult family. They discuss it, support and challenge each other, set boundaries as individuals and together etc. With some disagreements! That works. Much, much harder if the person (or both people) with problem family don’t ‘see’ it and prioritises not rocking the boat over their relationship with their partner.

Your DP seems to have some other big drawbacks.
Wouldn’t assume the bad temper would get better - far, far more likely to get worse!

Agree with PP. my x in-laws made me unwelcome from day 1. I think it would have been the same with any woman he brought home. I eventually stopped having anything to do with them. xDH didn’t like it which meant he was supporting them not me so it was doomed to fail and it did. Relationships come with their own work without the added problems of horrible in-Laws. However I also agree that this is not the only issue. You’ve mentioned 2 huge red flags which on their own are reason to end it. Angry men do not make good husbands and you haven’t added the inevitable stress of children to the mix yet! Children should never witness Adult temper tantrums, it’s terrifying for them. Believe me, I know! Walk away ASAP.

OP, I've been in your shoes. If i met any of my ex's family on holiday, i would have run a mile. Also, maybe in a work situation I would have to put up with the ringleader, if I worked alongside them, but only long enough to secure another job ! Why should you have to endure their company just because your partner seeks their approval? It's your life, and if you don't want them in it, run !