New partner drinks a lot.

[Sad78]

I’m looking for some advice please, I met my partner online 18 months ago.
We are both 40’s, divorced with teenage/ adult children & I also have an 8 year old child with severe learning and physical disabilities.

It was a first relationship for both of us after divorce. He is genuinely a nice guy, kind and generous.

We agreed in the beginning, we’d take things slowly and kids came first. I met his kids after a year, he has them 3 nights PW & id stay a couple of nights when he was free.
He has never stayed in mine because my older kids are still living at home and he wouldn’t feel comfortable. They’ve met him and are fine with us.

I take my youngest child with me, their dad isn’t involved and we don’t get respite. He’s really good with my little girl and helps me with her when I’m there. It is a struggle to pack up all their meds & equipment etc. But I don’t complain because I like to spend time with him.

I’ve noticed over time he drinks a Lot. We went away for a weekend and I was shocked at the amount he drank in the hotel room, I woke a couple of times during night and he was sitting in bed with a glass of wine. He drank 5 bottles over the two nights/days but more in hotel bar and pubs etc.

He is very loving and complimentary etc, but he’s very jealous and insecure. (his ex wife had an affair, so in beginning I made excuses for his possessiveness) he constantly accuses me of cheating on him, always tells me I’m beautiful and could do better than him etc. He’s very insecure and he also texts constantly throughout the day.

I was on the way to his yesterday at 5pm (20km away )I rang him, he was slurring his words and I asked was he drunk? He said he’d only had the 1 glass. I turned my car around & went home. It had taken me ages to get my child ready etc. So I was very annoyed.

We’ve had many arguments over his drinking, he completely denies it.

I’ve finished with him now. I can’t see a future long term. He’s completely devastated. Texting and calling all day. Not apologising, just making excuses, he’s not a bad drunk, loves me & misses me. I’m overreacting etc etc

I feel like a bitch, I love him but hate when he drinks!

Sorry if this is all over the place, I’ve spent the day in tears.

(Due to me being a single parent with a vulnerable child im allowed to bubble up with one other household so we aren’t breaking lockdown rules)

Poor you OP. You've made the right decision for you and for your child who is involved. I wouldn't like that either and you shouldn't have to put up with the jealously either. It might be different if he said he wanted a chance to change things but I don't think he is willing. Take care of yourself, you're going to feel heartbroken for your own reasons

He's a drunk, insecure, and jealous. Red flags awaving! There is nothing good that come out from any of those 3 things. Nothing! Cry, mourn, move on.

The jealousy is enough, more than enough, to drop him like a stone. It cannot be accepted ever.

@Thingsdogetbetter

He's a drunk, insecure, and jealous. Red flags awaving! There is nothing good that come out from any of those 3 things. Nothing! Cry, mourn, move on.

Yes he’s all of those. It’s quite ridiculous to be accused of cheating when I get no break at all from my daughter. He’s the 1st man I’ve been with since I met my XH as a teenager. Thanks for replies.

However hard it is, you've done the right thing and you've done it in the early stages. Well done - you have great instincts and great boundaries. With this much insight into what makes a good partner, you will meet someone who is right for you. Be kind to yourself, take a deep breath and start over.

Widow of an alcoholic, btw.

He's controlling alcoholic and you have a vulnerable child to care for. He's not the one to be in your lives. You've had a lucky escape.

Good decision. This man is not for you, and most likely not for anyone once you scratch the surface of the "nice guy" persona

You know you've made the right decision. Thank god you have your head screwed on straight. Now you need to block him and stop all communication. It's over so let it be over.

Well done, you've dodged one hell of a bullet. Do NOT let him reel you back in, no matter what he promises/threatens.

I feel for you - it is so hard being a single parent to a child with special needs. But the jealousy and insecurity would be the deal breaker for me. My ex was quick to those type of accusations.When you know you havent done anything to warrant that it becomes a bit much.

The constant communication would also be a red flag for me. I think you are better off stepping away.

"I feel like a bitch"
You have nothing to feel guilty about op. It's not your fault hes an alcoholic. Well done for getting out

You’ve just saved yourself from years of hell now block him and ignore. Hugs you’ll get there.

Thanks, I have blocked him. I can’t listen to his pity party today. He blames me for upsetting him and causing him to drink and not see his kids. He knows I’ve strayed etc.
I’d rather be single, my life is complicated enough.

He is one sorry loser. Bullet dodged, indeed.

Made him drink ? Fuck me, that is some pathetic shit.

Keep him blocked. You cannot afford to have this abusive alcoholic in your life under any circumstances.

It may also be an idea now to look at the Freedom programme.

Bloody hell. You've absolutely done the right thing. Block him on everything.

@Sad78

Thanks, I have blocked him. I can’t listen to his pity party today. He blames me for upsetting him and causing him to drink and not see his kids. He knows I’ve strayed etc. I’d rather be single, my life is complicated enough.

That's right - he "knows you've strayed". Of course you have - looking after at least 2 DC, one of whom is highly dependent. What a dick!

Add to that "not see his kids" - but you've met them. So he has seen his kids!??

Abusive men will never own their own behaviour. They always blame someone else. Perhaps you've not heard anything directly from the mum of his DC but I bet she was pleased to get rid!!

Sorry you are upset - but that is when someone we trusted lets us down. You will be OK.

Sorry I meant he hasn’t seen his kids today. He cancelled dinner with them because I dumped him and he spent the day drinking instead..

I think that you've done the right thing for you and your family. I was married to a drunk for 11 years. He was kind generous funny intelligent. But I had lots of little and big hints that I chose to ignore- getting back late from work after popping into the bar - for a "meeting" turning up for appointments late and half drunk, letting people down because he'd had to "see someone at the pub" inviting friends round and falling into a drunken sleep.

I became good at compartmentalising my life in home and work, I held down a professional job - I was kidding no one though. everyone knew. I wore myself out doing everything and trying to cope with his drinking and keep my head above water. I told him I was leaving and out came his excuses and justifications for his drinking. Then he got cancer so I stayed til he died 9 months later.

I've had to literally rebuild my life up again and it was a struggle to get where I am now. So don't be like me, too trusting and more. Keep strong - drunks can be charming and manipulative- hold onto your reasons why you can't stay with him

You really don’t need it.

Didn’t want to read and run @Sad78 but my goodness GOOD FOR YOU.

You have done the right thing. He’s never going to change and things will only get worse. Look at what he’s said to you today. You’re so much better than this and I’m so glad you’ve seen the light and ended things now.

Terrible

Sorry this is bad
You are strong to stay out of it and never go back

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Keep him blocked. You cannot afford to have this abusive alcoholic in your life under any circumstances.

It may also be an idea now to look at the Freedom programme.

Thanks, I will look into it.

You've done completely the right thing OP. Stay well clear of him!

You have done the right thing for your daughter. People who are alcohol dependent are selfish arses (I am one) but h sounds on a whole another level