New partner drinks a lot.

[Sad78]

I’m looking for some advice please, I met my partner online 18 months ago.
We are both 40’s, divorced with teenage/ adult children & I also have an 8 year old child with severe learning and physical disabilities.

It was a first relationship for both of us after divorce. He is genuinely a nice guy, kind and generous.

We agreed in the beginning, we’d take things slowly and kids came first. I met his kids after a year, he has them 3 nights PW & id stay a couple of nights when he was free.
He has never stayed in mine because my older kids are still living at home and he wouldn’t feel comfortable. They’ve met him and are fine with us.

I take my youngest child with me, their dad isn’t involved and we don’t get respite. He’s really good with my little girl and helps me with her when I’m there. It is a struggle to pack up all their meds & equipment etc. But I don’t complain because I like to spend time with him.

I’ve noticed over time he drinks a Lot. We went away for a weekend and I was shocked at the amount he drank in the hotel room, I woke a couple of times during night and he was sitting in bed with a glass of wine. He drank 5 bottles over the two nights/days but more in hotel bar and pubs etc.

He is very loving and complimentary etc, but he’s very jealous and insecure. (his ex wife had an affair, so in beginning I made excuses for his possessiveness) he constantly accuses me of cheating on him, always tells me I’m beautiful and could do better than him etc. He’s very insecure and he also texts constantly throughout the day.

I was on the way to his yesterday at 5pm (20km away )I rang him, he was slurring his words and I asked was he drunk? He said he’d only had the 1 glass. I turned my car around & went home. It had taken me ages to get my child ready etc. So I was very annoyed.

We’ve had many arguments over his drinking, he completely denies it.

I’ve finished with him now. I can’t see a future long term. He’s completely devastated. Texting and calling all day. Not apologising, just making excuses, he’s not a bad drunk, loves me & misses me. I’m overreacting etc etc

I feel like a bitch, I love him but hate when he drinks!

Sorry if this is all over the place, I’ve spent the day in tears.

(Due to me being a single parent with a vulnerable child im allowed to bubble up with one other household so we aren’t breaking lockdown rules)

Keep him blocked OP. You deserve better and you know it!

You're well rid of him. Anybody would be well rid, but you have quite enough to deal with in your life without this.

Not just an alcoholic but also jealous and controlling. Definitely better off without him.

Good for you! This man will not change, he will always drink and then blame others for it. To be accused of straying is horrendous and although it is preposterous, his drink addled mind will always believe you've done him wrong. He can then drink and blame you. Block, block, block!

You've done absolutely the right thing, however much it hurts now. This man is an alcoholic, the victim complex, denial and neediness are all part of it. As the daughter of an alcoholic and wife of a recovering drug addict those signs are all too familiar.
Take a deep breath, give yourself time to feel sad and grieve the end of the relationship but do not go back.

I think you did the right thing but it must feel miserable at the moment . As pointythings says upthread, someone far better suited will come along in due course. You sound great - really switched on and decisive and protective of your children, all of which are very attractive qualities.

@Chicchicchicchiclana

I think you did the right thing but it must feel miserable at the moment . As pointythings says upthread, someone far better suited will come along in due course. You sound great - really switched on and decisive and protective of your children, all of which are very attractive qualities.

Thank you so much for your lovely words. I woke this morn to several texts from his work phone, he knows I’m with someone else, why else would I end it so suddenly. Why can’t I be honest, he misses my little girl around the place. I’ve blocked him again.

He was always saying I’m a great mother to all of my children but I don’t get a break. (My older children wouldn’t feel comfortable looking after LO If I wasn’t there, they’re fine to look after her if I need a shower or nap etc.) so where am I supposed to have time to meet someone else?

He’s deluded.

You dumped him mainly because he's a drunk. So what does he do? Spends the day drinking.

Says it all.

It really doesn't matter what he thinks you're doing now. None of his business.

Keep him blocked.

You have put yourself & your children first

You have made the right decision

Stay strong

Oh god - so glad you turned the car around and left him! Wtf - your post gave me a flash back to an ex boyfriend from a good few years back who used to show up at my work to make sure I was actually there!! Ask me who various male friends were on Facebook and why I had to have them on there - he got himself into a drunken fight one night and it was my fault because I hadn’t answered his phone call!!

You are so much better off away from him :)

Look after yourself and your daughter x

I can’t believe I’m here again,
I’ve set the bar really low because I didn’t think I’d get anyone better with such a sick child.
He actually said I drink just as much as he does!! I never drink at home and I’d have 2 bottles of beer at his. I’m up a lot during night with my daughter as she is peg fed & has epilepsy so I can’t drink to excess!

My older two are at university so don’t need me as much. I’m going to concentrate more on myself now.

Dear OP, well done on being so strong and for recognising the manipulation of this man.

You are still at a tough stage with your DD but I would urge you to join a support group and get some access to respite so that you can spend time on self care - this is essential for carers and you need to be well yourself in order to be responsible 24/7 for someone else. A support group will have some people as members who can advise you of what you can access.

Spend all the time you spent with him on doing nice things for you and I hope in time you find the person you deserve.

I don't have anything to add that others haven't said, but just wanted to say well done you. You've made such a difficult but necessary decision and you sound like a fantastic mum.

This would be a red flag for me. I don't mind people who have a drink when going out but having to live with someone who drinks to excess is a complete no no. Save yourself a lot of heartache by ending this now.

In the back of my mind I would frankly be questioning whether the ex-wife really did have an affair, tbh. Not that it's relevant at this point, but I guess what I'm saying is, just because he has a particular narrative - one where you're doing terrible things to him - you don't actually have to be swayed by that.

Yes right thing. I would tell him by text it’s over, just sorry it’s not working for you, maybe mention the drinking. Say it’s best he does not contact you any further? Just so that you are giving a clear message. Esp if he starts harassing you. He’s clearly not just a drunk but other issues. Keep firm.

Setting the bar low? An
Understandable response for many struggling single mothers, esp with added issues. I doubt very much you will again though, so you can focus on that positive outcome. The respite application encouraged by PP sounds good idea too

I was so glad to get to the end of your OP and read you have already dumped him! Well done and stay strong. This man is not only unhealthy but hideously jealous and controlling, it would never end well.

Best of luck

I can tell you now, at his age you won't have any influence on his drinking. It may even escalate. The jealousy and accusing you of cheating is a huge red flag and personally I would walk away.

His reaction proves that you've done the right thing.

You made the right decision. Well done.

Good on you. He was controlling and paranoid and guarantee that would have turned into abuse. The drinking was just the sprinkles on the icing on the 7 layered cake of his issues.

Keep him blocked. He can think what he likes, it's over and who and what you do is no longer his buisness anyway. Dont be goaded into response. Might be wise to read up on narcissistic hoovering tactics (things they do to try con you into coming back to them) so that you can be on the lookout for that shit.

The drinking was just the sprinkles on the icing on the 7 layered cake of his issues

Bunny what a way with words you have and how true.

And the boyfriend blaming the OP for his “ruined” day on top of everything, how old is he, 4?

You have some priorities wrong. He accused you of cheating on him but you didn't dump him there and then. Yes the drinking is a dumpable offence but accusations of you being a liar and of bad character were dumpable long before that.

Sure he says his ex cheated on him, just like he will tell everyone you were sleeping around and left him for your fancy man. Pfft. Crazy ex stories should always be taken with a pinch of salt. Especially when spun by jealous drinkers.

Anyway, the ex could have been sleeping with every man she met and still it would be 100% dumpable for him to accuse you of cheating on him.

Bad behaviour is bad behaviour irrespective of the culprit's history. Have more respect for yourself.

Date calls you a dirty slag -> Exit -> Immediately.
Ignore stories about the other dirty slags who made him decide all women are dirty slags. You don't need a man who thinks like that about women, specifically not one who thinks like that about you.

I know it's unlikely because of Covid, right now, but is there any chance of respite care for your little girl?

I have a friend with a severely disabled child and she goes to a couple of different places for respite.