New partner drinks a lot.

[Sad78]

I’m looking for some advice please, I met my partner online 18 months ago.
We are both 40’s, divorced with teenage/ adult children & I also have an 8 year old child with severe learning and physical disabilities.

It was a first relationship for both of us after divorce. He is genuinely a nice guy, kind and generous.

We agreed in the beginning, we’d take things slowly and kids came first. I met his kids after a year, he has them 3 nights PW & id stay a couple of nights when he was free.
He has never stayed in mine because my older kids are still living at home and he wouldn’t feel comfortable. They’ve met him and are fine with us.

I take my youngest child with me, their dad isn’t involved and we don’t get respite. He’s really good with my little girl and helps me with her when I’m there. It is a struggle to pack up all their meds & equipment etc. But I don’t complain because I like to spend time with him.

I’ve noticed over time he drinks a Lot. We went away for a weekend and I was shocked at the amount he drank in the hotel room, I woke a couple of times during night and he was sitting in bed with a glass of wine. He drank 5 bottles over the two nights/days but more in hotel bar and pubs etc.

He is very loving and complimentary etc, but he’s very jealous and insecure. (his ex wife had an affair, so in beginning I made excuses for his possessiveness) he constantly accuses me of cheating on him, always tells me I’m beautiful and could do better than him etc. He’s very insecure and he also texts constantly throughout the day.

I was on the way to his yesterday at 5pm (20km away )I rang him, he was slurring his words and I asked was he drunk? He said he’d only had the 1 glass. I turned my car around & went home. It had taken me ages to get my child ready etc. So I was very annoyed.

We’ve had many arguments over his drinking, he completely denies it.

I’ve finished with him now. I can’t see a future long term. He’s completely devastated. Texting and calling all day. Not apologising, just making excuses, he’s not a bad drunk, loves me & misses me. I’m overreacting etc etc

I feel like a bitch, I love him but hate when he drinks!

Sorry if this is all over the place, I’ve spent the day in tears.

(Due to me being a single parent with a vulnerable child im allowed to bubble up with one other household so we aren’t breaking lockdown rules)

@Nanny0gg

I know it's unlikely because of Covid, right now, but is there any chance of respite care for your little girl?

I have a friend with a severely disabled child and she goes to a couple of different places for respite.

Thanks Nanny, no unfortunately not. Where we are the at home respite (funded by a charity) stops when the child is 4. She does attend a special school when she’s well & that is the only break I’d get. There is respite available from her school but only from age 13, her name is on the list (she’s just turned 8)

He never called me names or was abusive, he started off saying things like why is someone as beautiful as you with me? Often joked if I didn’t answer phone, I was with my other bloke etc. Then as time went on, every argument we’d have which was always related to alcohol, he’d blame it on me having found someone better etc.

I can’t believe this has happened to me, I’m the most independent person, I’ve never had to rely on anyone, My XH couldn’t deal with LO disabilities and we spilt, there were no real problems before that. We were married for years. He left and I got on with caring for our daughter myself.

Two years ago I decided to try OLD after my sister met a lovely guy and for 6 months I chatted to a few men but once they heard about my LO they backed off. XP was the first date I actually went on.

Today I’ve felt quite lonely, He’d ring & text a lot usually. My LO is off school sick so I’m probably just tired and emotional.

I do have good family and friends but I'm too embarrassed to let anyone know yet.

A moan and laugh about him with your friends can be a wonderful tonic for the soul.

Hang in there, it’s tough but the worry you if you had stayed with him, is he on a bender is horrific I’ve been there, for four years I told no one that my ex would vanish every six months, when my boss was told by me she couldn’t believe I’d kept it quiet that long, the drink is always some one else’s fault. They are emotional vampires they wear you down. Hugs.

You've done the right thing x

Flowers and an apology card were dropped in my porch earlier.. I heard the doorbell and saw him on cctv. I didn’t answer. He left after half an hour.
Both my older children were here with lectures on line. How embarrassing.

Well done for resisting the temptation to respond to his pathetic attempts to reel you back in.

You are worth SO much more than he can offer and your lovely DD is not a reason to lower your bar EVER.

Hold your head high and reach out to your friends and family. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You judged him by your own high standards and he can't reach them

He is hoovering. Resist.

Well done ignoring him. Make sure he stays dumped. You sound sad but resolute - you're handling this perfectly.

Throw the card and flowers in bin as you do remember the worry the put downs as you do it hugs

My ex was jealous and accused me of flirting with others all the time etc etc.
Eventually I cheated on him

I was accused of it all the time. His sister's husband, the guy that had a vegetable round, my neighbour's friend. It was boring and stupid.

In the end, when I was tempted I was unfaithful, cos why not? May as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Maybe that is why his ex had an affair. If you are being continually being accused of it - eventually there doesn't seem to be any point in staying faithful.