Critical partner

[mamma1234]

I'd be grateful for some advice. I'm struggling a bit mentally with my partner. He criticises me on a daily basis really - it's all minor things - for example not doing lids up, letting food go off, not doing enough housework when I have the kids, not putting away things, eating and drinking too many things, letting milk boil over in microwave, leaving toothpaste rings on the shelf - you get the idea!

Last night he swore at me for putting hand prints on the brand new painted wall in the bathroom and tonight he also got really angry and swore at me for not coming to eat his food that he cooked promptly and it was now not hot. I tried to explain that I was in the middle of an important email but he thought that was irrelevant and I should have come back to it.

Now, if I'm honest, I am guilty of all these crimes. What I can't work out is whether it's normal to be pulled up on all of them though? I'm finding it exhausting mentally - all the nit picking. Surely we all have faults and some we just have to learn to live with!

He does have a history of depression and SAD, he does get more irritable in the winter. His parents also had a very bad relationship and I wonder whether some of that has rubbed off on him.

Sometimes I think that I just need to make more of an effort not to do things that will annoy him but then I think, well why the hell should I? I don't pull him up in the same way with all the minor things that could annoy me?

What is really worrying me is the effect on our young children. I have a young lad and he does get angry with him sometimes, ie when he spills things etc. My son also came running in when my partner had hit angry over the hand prints in the bathroom and said "Mummy you shouldn't have put your stupid hands on the wall"! It really upset me. Really that he's teaching my son to treat people like this?

I've tried talking to my partner and have suggested he get counselling but he refuses and says it's basically everyone else and if they behaved better then he wouldn't get so angry. Which seems a cop out to me.

Any advice very gratefully received on how I should handle this.

Tell him to bore off your in your home not in the forces.

I can see why he's frustrated but you might just not be compatible living together

I would leave him to live spotlessly on his own.
They are not crimes.

Oh OP, this is really not OK at all. You are not guilty of any ‘crimes’. You’re being treated appallingly and yes, your son is learning that that’s an OK way to talk to you. Take a stand and put your foot down, for your happiness and your son’s. This is no way to live your one life on Earth. Depression and SAD are not excuses to be cruel to others. If you were a friend of mine in real life, I’d be suggesting that if he refuses to treat you better, you consider finishing this relationship and giving yourself a chance to meet someone who will treat you properly with affection and love and kindness.

I don’t see why any of those things are reasons to lose your temper with someone over!! Yes we all find others annoying and on the odd occasion may have a go over one of these things. But every little thing... he’s got a big problem. Do you want your kids copying him? I’m guessing not as you’re already identifying it’s rubbing off on them. Honestly time to consider your options if he’s not willing to even acknowledge he could be in the wrong even some of the time!!

He sounds mean and controlling. This is no way to live. Sorry OP

Coercive control is a crime. None of your supposed failings are.

Look up the Freedom Programme for yourself.

This is not a normal way to live and it's not fair on children to force them to live like this. It will break all of you.

Tbh I’d find some of those things annoying - particularly leaving handprints and not coming to eat dinner because you were sending an email. Swearing and shouting is unacceptable though - if it’s something that annoys either of you that much then you need to leave the relationship.

None of us are perfect, if he has different things that he feels are important than you do then you may just be incompatible. All you can do is haves proper grown up discussion about what you expect from a relationship/ housemate and if you can’t agree then it’s simply not going to work unless one of you is willing to change.

The flip side is you are annoying to live with and he has had enough... Hands on fresh walls would annoy me. Emailing instead of a family meal would also..

He sounds horrible.

However, that post would normally be written the other way around with the woman complaining about the mess, and her partner not bothering to come promptly for dinner.

(He has no business telling you how much housework you should be doing though. He's not your boss.)

You both sound miserable and fed up. Do you want to be together? You both need to think about some serious work on your relationship and how you treat each other if so.

A lot of this sounds a bit like that apocryphal story of the man who starts off by saying his wife divorced him because he left a dirty mug on the kitchen counter; and then of course the fuller story is that the dirty mug is emblematic of all the small acts of disrespect and lack of care which add up and become an enormous problem.

I can sympathise with your OH, because DP does many of the things you say you do and I’ve considered asking him to move out over it because it really bothers me. They might not sound dreadful individually; but living with somebody who persistently makes a mess and doesn’t clear up after themselves, or breaks things through carelessness, or dirties something new or just cleaned (even more so if they weren’t the one to buy or clean it) again through carelessness is maddening.

TBH all the things you list would really annoy me. And I'm assuming that these are just examples from today/yesterday, rather than the only annoying things you've done during the whole relationship.

If these kind of things were normal behaviour from you, over many years, I'd probably have reached shouting point too.

Maybe time for a bit of self reflection?

He sounds abusive.

Gosh I could have written this. I am guilty of similar crimes but if I stopped to point his out I would never stop.

I'm so sick of it that I just ignore him most of the time - it's awful really - but I hate the way I worry if there's an unwashed mug left on my desk etc.

You have my every sympathy. It's an awful way to live.

Also you're right about your kids. It's horrible to be shouty and critical in front of them. And it's giving them awful messages. How petty and nasty he sounds. I used to have a DP like him. Critical over the smallest things. It broke me. I now have a lovely DP and we are so kind to each other. We might occasionally say 'hey, come and have dinner while it's hot' for example, but there's never any need to be nasty. He's using it as an excuse to be nasty and potentially abusive.

I agree with pp s saying you just don't sound compatible. Him shouting and swearing and criticising sounds very unpleasant. But all the stuff you do sounds so annoying - messy careless and thoughtless. My kids are pretty wild but I have managed to train them to pick up after themselves and not ruin nice stuff I have just spent money on. I just couldn't cope with it.

This sounds awful, must really wear you down. Is he a bit OCD?

If you love him and want things to work, could you perhaps suggest couples counselling? I would sit him down when you’re both relaxed and say that you would like you to both work as a team- both make an effort to improve things, it’s you and him against the world, not you and him against each other.

My DH is extremely clean and tidy, openly admits he has a touch of OCD, he went through a stage of making jokey little digs, nipped it in the bud, told him he needed to stop but then I also made little changes that would make him feel appreciated. He does pull his weight with the children and the house so not complaining, I’ll do a quick whip around before leaving for work, otherwise if he’s home before me everything is done before I’m back.

Like PP’s have said, your DH shouldn’t get angry and sweary with you, getting angry about you eating sounds abusive and really not a healthy environment for your DC’s if they’re picking up on it. I’ve made some major f-ups (breaking electricals and bumping cars) DH is so laid back and has always seen the funny side.

Has there been a change recently or has it always been like this? Is it constant?

Thank you so much everyone.

Stinkerbells, it is pretty constant really. I think couples counselling is a great idea and will suggest this.

I will really try and make much more of an effort not be messy and annoying which I'm sure I am - but I'm concerned that he needs to bring everything slightest thing to my attention and get so angry with it.

I wouldn't dream of sweating at him if he accidentally put finger marks on the wall on one occasion, yes I might gently ask whether he would avoid doing that, but not get so angry about it? To tell me off about leaving toothpaste rings on the shelf too seems a little odd, he does this too and I'm usually the one who cleans it up!

I feel like I'm creeping around on egg shells, waiting for the next telling off.

It is literally everything - if I don't screw a lid up properly he will insist on showing me the offending item, rather than just realising this was a mistake and doing it up, which is what I'd do.

Last week he broke one of my bowls and instead of apologising - he inferred this was my fault because the mixing bowl was placed near the front of the washing up pile and so it fell off when he trying to get something underneath. This may well be true but if the boot was on the other foot you can bet your bottom dollar I would have been blamed for breaking it!

BurbageBrook, thank you - yes this is exactly it - it's the nastiness that feels wrong.

Furrycat1978, thank you so much. Yes, I think I should put my foot down. Otherwise I think I'm guilty of letting him treat me like this.

Op, your post has made my feel panicky because it reminded me of how I felt during my marriage. It was not a healthy marriage and I'm out now. Thank goodness. You'll be walking on egg shells more and more and his anger will get worse and worse over more minor things. Your story about one of your bowls breaking happened to me exactly. He broke it, but it was all my fault because it was too near the edge of the kitchen top. His rage about it was so over the top. And because I didn't apologise he turned into raging bull. Never hit me but looked like he wanted to. The angry glares and silent treatment and door slamming etc. Urgh. It's hard being alone and a single parent, but you've reminded me why I left and I'm sooo glad I did. I couldn't live like that permanently. There was no love or respect or genuine care. I hope you get out x

Last week he broke one of my bowls and instead of apologising - he inferred this was my fault because the mixing bowl was placed near the front of the washing up pile and so it fell off when he trying to get something underneath. This may well be true but if the boot was on the other foot you can bet your bottom dollar I would have been blamed for breaking it!

Apologies - didn't mean to repeat that last paragraph!

You're kidding yourself if you think the caveman you're with is going to agree to go to counseling and transform into an evolved human being. Cut your losses and leave the bastard critic in your rear view mirror

I wouldn’t want to live like this

Lately I'm beginning to believe any piece of shit man can get a decent woman. What a world. OP there's no purpose in wasting days of your one life with an ignorant bully. The only 'prize' is years of misery and becoming so tense that your nerves are shot to pieces. & Then you'll be old and crying. Do yourself and your child a favour and get rid of him. He is unneccessary baggage.

My ex was like this, always shouting at me for every little wrong doing. I have adhd so I'm quite messy and he has OCD. It was a match made in hell. I ended up really depressed and when getting counselling for my depression my counsellor basically said as long as I was in a coercive control relationship, I would probably stay depressed. He was right, took me a few months but I LTB. Much happier now, good luck op