Critical partner

[mamma1234]

I'd be grateful for some advice. I'm struggling a bit mentally with my partner. He criticises me on a daily basis really - it's all minor things - for example not doing lids up, letting food go off, not doing enough housework when I have the kids, not putting away things, eating and drinking too many things, letting milk boil over in microwave, leaving toothpaste rings on the shelf - you get the idea!

Last night he swore at me for putting hand prints on the brand new painted wall in the bathroom and tonight he also got really angry and swore at me for not coming to eat his food that he cooked promptly and it was now not hot. I tried to explain that I was in the middle of an important email but he thought that was irrelevant and I should have come back to it.

Now, if I'm honest, I am guilty of all these crimes. What I can't work out is whether it's normal to be pulled up on all of them though? I'm finding it exhausting mentally - all the nit picking. Surely we all have faults and some we just have to learn to live with!

He does have a history of depression and SAD, he does get more irritable in the winter. His parents also had a very bad relationship and I wonder whether some of that has rubbed off on him.

Sometimes I think that I just need to make more of an effort not to do things that will annoy him but then I think, well why the hell should I? I don't pull him up in the same way with all the minor things that could annoy me?

What is really worrying me is the effect on our young children. I have a young lad and he does get angry with him sometimes, ie when he spills things etc. My son also came running in when my partner had hit angry over the hand prints in the bathroom and said "Mummy you shouldn't have put your stupid hands on the wall"! It really upset me. Really that he's teaching my son to treat people like this?

I've tried talking to my partner and have suggested he get counselling but he refuses and says it's basically everyone else and if they behaved better then he wouldn't get so angry. Which seems a cop out to me.

Any advice very gratefully received on how I should handle this.

I feel like I'm creeping around on egg shells, waiting for the next telling off.

OP this is no way to live at all, is it?

Is he the kids' dad? Just trying to gauge how much you're tied together.

Get this man out of your life mamma; he is also a poor example of a stepfather figure to your son who is also beginning to copy this man. Your son is being harmed too by seeing all this abuse from this man.

NO and thrice NO to couples counselling; do not make this your issue. This is all on him and besides which no decent counsellor would want to see the two of you in the same room. Joint counselling as well is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Your son and you were I daresay happy before this man came into your lives; make it so again. You have a choice re this man and your son does not.

He has already refused counselling so that should also make you see him for what he already is. This man wants to control you and your son; the fact he has had a shit childhood or has been depressed are no
justifications or excuses for his actions towards you and your son now. Such men too hate women, all of them.

Re yoiur comment in your initial post:-

"I've tried talking to my partner and have suggested he get counselling but he refuses and says it's basically everyone else and if they behaved better then he wouldn't get so angry"

Its always someone else's fault isn't it; never theirs. This is precisely what abusers say to their target. He targeted you as well mamma, I have no doubts at all. Men like this can target single mothers because they think they are so desperate for male company that they would put up with any old shit.

"Which seems a cop out to me".
You are correct and its more than that too. He wants to control you and in turn your son completely here. This is what abuse is about; its about power and control. He wants absolute here and he will make you become a fearful shell of your own self. "Walking on eggshells" is really code for "living in fear".

Have a look at the answers posters get when they complain about their partners doing all these things you say you do....

Criticise him back. He's not perfect.

My husband used to be like this I basically told him to bugger off (bugger off being the nicer version).

I think he just gave up in the end. Every time he’d start I would literally tell him to be quiet and get a grip.

4 years later and he doesn’t do it anymore.

His behaviour sounds angry and controlling. I would not tolerate my DP behaving like that toward me.

Your behaviour, from your own description, sounds disrespectful, inconsiderate & thoughtless. If my DP put handprints on a wall I had just painted or let a meal I had cooked for him go cold because sending an e-mail was more important, I would not be amused. At all.

It sounds like you are quite incompatible. He needs to calm down and lighten up. You need to be more thoughtful. You both need to find a way of dealing with these issues better.

Op, it doesn’t matter if you become the Queen of clean. I feel that your partner will find anything possible to moan about.

I’m a very clean and tidy person but my god my ex could find absolutely anything to moan about. I constantly tried to up my cleaning game to his standards but he would find something new to pull me up on...like the one time I hadn’t fully wrapped the ham up in clingfilm, the one time I hadn’t quite squished the cap down on the mayonnaise, the one time I folded his jeans wrong, the one time I put the kitchen roll in the wrong place. All those ‘one’ times I got pulled up on. It was horrendous and soul destroying because it was never ending and day in and day out.

Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate all your comments.

MellowMelly, I think you've hit the nail on the head really. It does seem that he's going to find something to tell me off about, no matter how trivial.

Those of you who have commented on my behaviour being thoughtless etc, I fully take this on board. The fact is though, it's the way he deals with me when he does find something I do irritating etc that is the problem, if that makes sense?

So to illustrate, the emailing when he had made dinner - I was and accept in the wrong here, but on this occasion it was a very important and urgent email - and I was trying to help his parents with a serious financial issue. I was only a minute or two and I did try and explain to him at the time. Equally, the hand prints on the wall - I'm normally really careful, but I lost my balance. So it was a mistake and I don't think these instances warrant being sworn at angrily?

He is my child's father, not their step dad - sorry didn't make that clear.

I am concerned that even if I was the queen of clean, he would still criticise endlessly and nitpick. I'm wondering why he does this and I wonder if it is linked to depression/his mental state in any way.

I will address my behaviour and try not to be thoughtless and untidy but I will equally make it fundamentally clear that angry and controlling behaviour will not be tolerated!

I probably do similar to my DH, though not to that extent. He is very untidy and my kids are too - I partly blame that on him because he never gets them to put stuff away etc and he has worked from home for a long time, so sees them more during the week.

I do get irritated by things I've told him literally 100s of times eg don't put uncovered cooked food in the fridge.

However I know he doesn't do it to annoy me, its just how his brain works. And he can tidy up if he focuses on it. And he has many other qualities that outweigh these minor irritations!

Plus he stands up to me - or we make a joke of it. And sometimes he criticises me which helps me remember how it feels (I hate it, surprise, surprise) .

It may or may not be a deal breaker for you, but either suck it up or assert yourself and explain how you feel when he does this. And I'm sure depression would affect it - it's easy to be grumpy and minor things can become elevated to a ridiculously high status when you feel like that. Also stress could do it - the straw that breaks the camel's back type of thing.

Thanks Sundance2741, really useful to know.

Hmm. You don't do lids up? Why not? If it's something that needs shaking the next person to pick it up - oblivious of this pathetic lack of lid-tightening - will get a splashed up mess to deal with. If you have arthritic hands I might forgive you otherwise just tighten it properly it's not rocket science.

That's interesting what Lucy said and how hers stopped. Mine can be a bit like this but I think it is mainly a kind of anxiety / OCD. His dad is not a healthy role model. (not an excuse I know but can pick up this stuff from parents)

I started laughing it off and / or as Lucy said and mine kind of stopped too. Or if he does I just don;t take much notice, recognising it is their problem. I tell them to stop being so dramatic and to get a grip. If they were angry and got aggressive at hearing that, that would concern me more.

Talking to your partner about his controlling behaviour will be a waste of time. He does this also because he can, this is learnt behaviour and such behaviour too is abusive in nature. Its not linked to depression and even if he was depressed it still does not give him a pass or right to treat you and his child like you are. My guess too is that he is all sweetness and light to those in the outside world; it is for you that this ill treatment is directed at.

This is no way for you or your son to live either and he is slowly but surely learning to act like his dad does.

Also yes as Sundance mentioned I started criticising things back. I also do this kind of eyes raised look if it starts which stops it!

You've written about him before and sadly for you not much has changed. It has not improved since then.

Tolerating this from him just gives him permission to continue and it
further makes him despise you.

Whatifitallgoesright, I do generally do lids up but on the odd occasion I am guilty of not screwing them up tightly. But this is really only on the odd occasion, not systematically all the time! So my point is - if my partner were to do this on the odd occasion, I wouldn't think anything of it, I would just tighten it up - no big deal. Last night he left the chicken meal I'd made out and forgot to put it in the fridge. I just accepted this was a mistake and put it back this morning. This is the kind of thing I'd expect him to do?

Attila, thank you - you've been so helpful before and now! You may be right and the situation isn't improving. I guess I may have to assert myself more?!

When I'm critical of my partner (he does lids properly now) it's generally when I'm feeling shit anyway and I realise I'm projecting if I catch it in time or I think these things until I'm a ball of seething unsaid venom. Does he work from home? Does he think you're not 'pulling your weight' enough re housework?

(You realise this thread will now be derailed by posters horrified you haven't thrown that chicken into the bin due to its being contaminated by air and stuff.)

I know the things he is criticizing seem trivial and fixable if only you could change yourself, but the underlying problem is that your partner is controlling and abusive. Constant criticism is like the constant drip of water that wears down a stone. It will eventually break you. Counselling won't help, he behaves like this because he can and it works for him. I am sure he is delightful to other people and well thought of, these sort of men usually present a very different face to the outside world.

You will eventually leave, and regret having wasted so much of your life with him. My ex was like this, and after 30 years of living with this sort of behaviour from him I was nearly destroyed as a person. I should have left decades ago.

It is funny, but I was always concerned my daughters would end up in abusive relationships. Ironically they have, but they are both abusive to their partners. The thing I never realised was that children model themselves on the abusive parent because they have learned that it is better to be a bully than a doormat.

Whatifitallgoesright - thank you, yes - he could be projecting. He does think I don't pull my weight re housework, we have a young baby too so it's difficult sometimes for me to do it all the time.

Re chicken, ah yes - that is right, meal is now in bin!

You have a young baby? Do what you want then. Fuck him the moody bastard. Also
you are; "eating and drinking too many things". What exactly does that mean? Initially I was with him on the lids and maybe toothpaste rings but the criticising your eating and taking you and showing you what you've done wrong, there's something a bit sinister about this, a bit calculated.

Please list his errors so we can assess. He sounds perfect though.

Fussy bint. Nothing wrong with a bit of aired chicken. Hoik it out of the bin and heat it up (lamely) for his tea.

Haha, oh yes I should do that. Well, he sometimes comments if he thinks I'm snacking too much for example. I'm tandem feeding so I get really hungry, but I don't think he really accepts that. So when I'm making the food for the kids he sometimes will tell me off if he catches me having a snack at the same time - saying no wonder I sometimes don't need an evening meal.

He like everyone has his faults, but I like most people live with them and accept them. I guess his greatest fault to me is just being so critical. We could all focus on stuff we don't like about the other person but generally it's not healthy to do that all the time? Yes by all means it's right to be open and honest if there are issues but to criticise endlessly about every single minor grievance is just exhausting and I think potentially emotionally abusive really.

The other day he got angry with me for doing some more washing up after he had done a large load of washing up. Apparently I was wasting water as there wasn't much additional stuff to wash up. I tried to explain that I wanted to clear everything and also have some water to wash cooking stuff up whilst I was making dinner, but he just rants away. That is weird surely? To get so angry that I've done a second load of washing up and want to clear away everything so it's tidy?? There is just no winning with the guy.

I could not live like this when life is so short and should be happy.

If my bloke criticised me like this I would be down his throat every single time he pulled me on petty little things. If he does not like it then clean it up especially when you have a baby for goodness' sake !

Man up and deal with him if you want it all to stop, or think about alternatives.