Critical partner

[mamma1234]

I'd be grateful for some advice. I'm struggling a bit mentally with my partner. He criticises me on a daily basis really - it's all minor things - for example not doing lids up, letting food go off, not doing enough housework when I have the kids, not putting away things, eating and drinking too many things, letting milk boil over in microwave, leaving toothpaste rings on the shelf - you get the idea!

Last night he swore at me for putting hand prints on the brand new painted wall in the bathroom and tonight he also got really angry and swore at me for not coming to eat his food that he cooked promptly and it was now not hot. I tried to explain that I was in the middle of an important email but he thought that was irrelevant and I should have come back to it.

Now, if I'm honest, I am guilty of all these crimes. What I can't work out is whether it's normal to be pulled up on all of them though? I'm finding it exhausting mentally - all the nit picking. Surely we all have faults and some we just have to learn to live with!

He does have a history of depression and SAD, he does get more irritable in the winter. His parents also had a very bad relationship and I wonder whether some of that has rubbed off on him.

Sometimes I think that I just need to make more of an effort not to do things that will annoy him but then I think, well why the hell should I? I don't pull him up in the same way with all the minor things that could annoy me?

What is really worrying me is the effect on our young children. I have a young lad and he does get angry with him sometimes, ie when he spills things etc. My son also came running in when my partner had hit angry over the hand prints in the bathroom and said "Mummy you shouldn't have put your stupid hands on the wall"! It really upset me. Really that he's teaching my son to treat people like this?

I've tried talking to my partner and have suggested he get counselling but he refuses and says it's basically everyone else and if they behaved better then he wouldn't get so angry. Which seems a cop out to me.

Any advice very gratefully received on how I should handle this.

You talk very lightly about being interrogated - you've become used to it, this defending your actions. You felt you had to explain and justify why you had a snack and why you washed up. That's not a normal way to live but you've already normalised it because you're too busy being a mother and dealing with day to day life.

I'd start keeping notes on his criticisms. You can build up a solid picture then. If he really doesn't care that these constant criticisms hurt you then how can he love you?

Thanks both - I will do that!

How would you go about trying to assert yourself more?.

Ultimately mamma you need to get this man out of your day to day life. He will not change, this is who he is and he does this too because he can.

STOP accepting this from him altogether. STOP also with putting his feelings above yours and that of your child. Your child is now starting to copy his dad, is that what you want him to learn about relationships here?

I had to write OP as sadly your DH sounds like my father. He has completely bossed my mother into submission and she just avoids doing every single thing that annoys him. Every single thing in the house has to be done his way.

I feel some guilt writing this but it’s the truth: my childhood & life would have been much less stressful and much happier if I hadn’t had to live with him. Growing up hard having someone watching everything I did. Good luck OP.

*was hard

I guess many people are fed up and tetchy at the moment, tempers are shorter than usual. But he is treating you like crap - telling you off about snacks and washing up too often. People make mistakes all the time, no need for shouting and swearing. He sounds awful.