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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to get over the "one" ?

62 replies

fuckedandbombed · 05/11/2020 21:13

I am struggling to get over the man I thought was the love of my life.

We were together 5 years. I absolutely adored this man . The connection was powerful and all consuming but he wasn't quite all there . Moody . Difficult. Childlike. No empathy. No sympathy.
We had a still born child . He abandoned me. The relationship was often abusive . (On his part ) and yet I would have died for him.

I left . I was t ready to leave but it was making us both ill. But I had no closure. It's been a year and I still ache for him. I can't imagine ever loving anyone else . I've been on a dozen dates . All terrible. I'm ok alone but all my motivation has gone . I spend weekends in bed . I cannot be arsed to do anything anymore. I dream of my ex. I can't get him out of my head . He is with someone else now but he still used me for sex for a while despite being in a new relationship. I saw the light after a few times . I called him a few choice names and he didn't like that so now we don't talk. But I recently saw him with his new partner. She has a child that would have been same age as ours had she lived . They were stood in a kitchen I painted. In a house we chose together with our baby in mind . A few ki tha ago he asked me round . I went . He showed me where his new family sleep. Told me his new partner found my decor a bit dark . (He chose it I just bought it ). Then he laughed with embarrassment when I started to cry . This is a man who changed his will to spite me after an argument. A man who abandoned me after I had his baby who died . A man who sneered and treated me with utter contempt. And yet I still break my heart every day. He was all I wanted . He didn't want me however and I did take the hi t after 5 years. No o W I know had still been pining for someone a year down the line - I've tried dating , I've tried not dating , I've got animals to preoccupy me , I'm a key worker so no time at home alone . How do you get over feeling like the only man you ever loved and felt comfortable sexually with is gone and the prospect of finding the same again is nil . I live alone . Have for a year . I have a routine that involves work and dog walks and I've friends but I just feel empty and sad and bereft . I take anti depressants . There is no joy in anything anymore. I'm late 40s , alone and destitute stay that way . I've got friends, grown up children, a great friend in ex husband, lots of friends , and yet this last year I've felt empty , bereft, lonely , and at times felt there is no escape. I can't seem to get over this man . I loved him but he didn't love me . He moved on so fast ! Shacked up with his second date from an online site . I've had dozens of dates and nothing feels remotely right . I'm becoming a bitter old cow knowing he has this new family set up while I'm totally isolated. I was the bubbly warm out going one ! He was the miserable introverted morbid misery and he gets his happy ever after. How do I move on because it feels like I'm stuck in this rut .

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/11/2020 21:17

You need therapy, and I think you should investigate how peri-menopause might be impacting your emotional state. Dealing with loss and disappointment + peri is a perfect storm.

fuckedandbombed · 05/11/2020 21:24

I'm having counselling but I need some face to face stuff and due to the lovely covid everything is by phone . Apparently I need edmr? Or edmr ? Lots of reasons for that .

I just cannot seem to move on . It's been a bloody year and I'm still messaging him. He plays me . Sometimes he throws me a few crumbs. For now he isn't . He spat the dummy when I called him out in using me for sex while seeing his "real" girlfriend.

My counsellor told me that while my rational brain may be telling me all I need to know - that oxytocin and dopamine may be overiding my rational brain and that may be why I'm feeling how I am with no control over my feelings.

OP posts:
category12 · 05/11/2020 21:25

Do you think obsessing over him might be partially displacement for the grief of your loss of your baby and the family life you could have had? I'm so sorry your child died. Flowers

You really need to stop all contact with him as it's no good for you. Abusive relationship cause trauma bonds that are hard to break, but it can be done.

I think you need to try counselling or other therapy. (If you're already with a counsellor and not making much progress, it might be time to look at a different kind of therapy or different counsellor). It would be good to find someone with expertise in domestic abuse.

category12 · 05/11/2020 21:26

Cross-posted. EMDR is supposed to be quite effective.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/11/2020 21:27

Block him, op. Right now. Sadly, you are currently the maker of your own misery.

Eckhart · 05/11/2020 21:34

If you want to move on from him, move on from him, rather than continuing to engage.

Cut him out of your life, and find other things to do. Just do lots of stuff, learn stuff, read stuff, attend stuff (online probably, mostly atm) It doesn't matter if you enjoy it. Just grin and bear it, and after a little while, you'll have had a million new experiences and met a bunch of new people, and the key part is that HE ISN'T IN ANY OF IT.

You have to make a life for yourself without him in it, otherwise you will have a life with him in it.

And you loved him so much, and you'll never find such love again, yet he was abusive? You can find much better love than that. But the question is, why do you feel you need to? What's wrong with being single?

fuckedandbombed · 05/11/2020 21:35

Aqua
I know . I just torture myself. We've currently blocked each other and yet even tonight I emailed asking if he was around . I'm absolutely pathetic. He won't answer anyway. There are times I just want him so much . I remember the good times unfortunately, and the good was good. The butterflies. The way he made me feel when he held me . I used to be so happy to wake up next to him. I used to just reach out to touch him , him being there was all I wanted. Sometimes when I wake up I still reach out. Then I remember. I cry most days . It's futile . I know . It's a year down the line ! He's
Moved on. He doesn't give a shiny shite about me . He didn't when we were together. I just can't seem to get my act together.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 05/11/2020 21:35

Sadly, you are currently the maker of your own misery

This. You barely see him, yet he's in your every waking minute. That's your choice, not his.

Usernamenumber999 · 05/11/2020 21:37

Time OP. I’m two years on from a similar relationship and I still think about him every day.

fuckedandbombed · 05/11/2020 21:38

Eckhart
I know but I can't seem to stop it .

I've been single for a year . I rent . I'm financially fucked . Right now - single is ok . But I'm lonely. I crave what I had . It makes me sad it's gone . It took me half a century to feel like that about anyone and it's gone and I have tried dating and I decided I'd rather be alone !

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/11/2020 21:47

I know but I can't seem to stop it.

I'm very sorry you're hurting op, but stop with the excuses. You can stop, you just won't, and I think it's because you need to fuel your misery, to be able to feel justified about being so hurt by this man. You can't move on If you are still throwing yourself at his feet. You're better than that. Just stop.

ironage · 05/11/2020 22:01

I'm so sorry too xx Praying for you

MotherOfDragons85 · 05/11/2020 22:03

The very first thing you need to do is to stop referring to him as “the one” he’s definitely not your “one” if he was, you’d still be together right now. From what you’ve said it was toxic and abusive anyway, possible trauma bonding? OP I really think you need therapy to help you past this, please think about looking into this.

fuckedandbombed · 05/11/2020 22:07

I'm having therapy. I'll ask about trauma bonding. I do feel attached to him in a way I've never felt with anyone else.

OP posts:
Krazynights34 · 05/11/2020 22:17

OP I’m guessing the loss of your baby has played a part in how you feel (whether you know it or not). I stayed with my husband after I lost our DD at full term. It felt like she was just mine and he got over it in days. I felt I had to have him around because otherwise she’d be really gone too.
Try really hard not to actively think of him. Every time you start a pattern get up and drink a glass of water and think each sip is another washing away of him, wear an elastic band and snap it when you start to think of him or whatever works for you

Stonecrop · 05/11/2020 22:19

Try the little shaman’s podcast re his behaviour. Sorry for your loss

Saggyoldsofa · 05/11/2020 23:02

I'm so sorry for you.

I've been through something similar but not the absolute heartbreak of having a stillborn baby Flowers.

With my obsession, I really wanted him to love me and be different for me, to prove I was loveable and to prove my self worth.... I could make someone change.... he did not. Will not. Could it be something similar with you?

It's hard and those saying to just stop mean well but... well, it wont happen unless you choose it for yourself.

All the best.

And why do good women end up pining over these dickheads? We are worth more than that.

firesong · 06/11/2020 15:57

If you need to get over him, he is definitely not "the one". There are loads of people who will be better for you. Do not message and just give yourself all the love you had for him. Take care of yourself

firesong · 06/11/2020 15:58

And I'm so sorry about your baby Thanks

Lorry123 · 06/11/2020 16:03

most likely you ex is on the narcissitic personality disorder spectrum. You think you are with your perfect soulmate but then the mask slips and you see the real character - no empathy being one of the key traits as is moving on quickly to the next partner. It feels impossible to move on but honestly you have had a lucky escape as they can devastate lives. I too had EMDR to help me deal with the fall out of being married to a narc - it was a nightmare and took me 3 or 4 years to get over

Glitterb · 06/11/2020 16:12

But OP, this man was not ‘the one’ and I think you know that. You will never move on from him if you are in contact and going round to his house, he is still present in your life and you are fantasising about a non reality. He isn’t the man you have created, he is a horrible arse who will treat the new girlfriend just the same. You have dodged a bullet.
I have been in a relationship like this, he was game player and lifelong cheat. For months after we split I just wanted him back, I idolised him for all the wrong reasons. I look back now and wonder what made my brain obsess about him, but I think it was the emotional abuse.

I am so sorry about your little girl, this is utterly devastated for anyone. Could you speak to someone about how you feel? I think this is an important step in healing from this.

fuckedandbombed · 06/11/2020 17:20

Light bulb moment re trauma bonding.

I had a very abusive dysfunctional childhood . I'd even told my counsellor being with him felt familiar.

What an eye opener. I'd told my counsellor I felt he had narcissistic traits and she had agreed (she is a qualified psychotherapist).

I've realised my mother treated me the same , and I bent over backwards to try and gain her love and approval, whilst she allowed her husband (my step father) to abuse me daily .

I could never understand why I was so absolutely hooked on this relationship with a man who was so often abusive . I could never do right . What a revelation. I'll be speaking to my counsellor about this . I love mn . Thank you.

OP posts:
Lalotai47 · 06/11/2020 18:15

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby.

There is no such thing as "The One" and this man sounds pretty awful. You deserve better but you won't find it if you keep obsessing over this person. I think you should go cold turkey and have no contact with him for at least 30 days initially. Allow yourself a set time, maybe 30 minutes, to think of him each day but that's it. Throw yourself into self-care. I recommend French Kiss Life podcast. Good luck x

Lovestoned · 06/11/2020 18:38

The way you describe him, there are quite a few red flags for narcissistic personality disorder, so you need to read up on that. It's very hard to get over such an intense relationship as with NPD, you feel indeed like he was your soulmate, even if you started to see through him, the feelings were just too intense. I know exactly what you're going through. When they do the discard there is simply no closure, no rational reason or understanding for what happened and the lack of empathy is so cruel especially after losing your baby. Big hug from me sweetheart. Agree with a previous poster, time will help, I am 2 years down and feeling better now. Think about making a positive change to improve your life in some way, can you rent a nicer place, move, change jobs, plan something you always wanted to do, any major change will help you see a brighter future. Even if you don't 100% feel like it just yet, keep it in mind.

fuckedandbombed · 06/11/2020 18:48

It ended after 5 years on the stupidest whim . No closure. He never answers my questions. He always says " you know why " or "I've answered this " when he hasn't . I've come to realise I won't get answers.

OP posts:
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